View Full Version : well meaning in-laws
08-06-2002, 10:06 AM
I am about to be a first time mom, and have received so much great advice from the readers of these boards I feel very prepared as far a product selections etc.. Now I have a problem my mother-inlw wants to come visit for a week, about one week after the baby is born. she has never visited us before as we live far away. I don't know how to get her to put it off for at least three weeks so I can recover, any ideas. Also my husband is likely to feel offended! thanks
08-06-2002, 12:20 PM
If you know she intends to be helpful (not just camp out and be entertained) jump on her offer! Caring for a newborn is HARD WORK and a 24/7 job. I can't imagine how anyone goes it alone. My husband stayed home for a week and did all the cooking, and after he went back to work my mom moved in for another week, and I was still exhausted (I was breastfeeding + pumping). Having Grandma just watch the baby for an hour while you take a precious nap, or work the "night shift", can be the greatest gift she can bring!
twins r fun
08-06-2002, 12:38 PM
I can understand why you wouldn't want your mother in law there right away-I definitely wouldn't want mine there so soon. I guess there's a point to having someone to help, but someone there 24 hours a day is pretty intrusive help-it's a stressful time already. My friend had a similar problem-her mother and her mother in law BOTH wanted to come stay with her right away! She told them she wanted some time to get to know her baby, allow the father to have an active role (instead of being pushed aside by 3 women), and figure out how to care for the baby in her own way. Her moms responded well, but I guess it depends on the person. It is definitely not unreasonable to ask her to wait, though.
08-06-2002, 12:38 PM
I agree with the above post. Unless you and your MIL HATE each other, take her up on her offer. My MIL (who drives me CRAZY, but is well meaning) came and stayed for 3 weeks after Sarah was born. I honestly don't know what I would have done without her and I consider myself to be a very capable, independent person. The way we worked it was I took care of the baby and she did EVERYTHING else. She cooked, cleaned, shopped, painted the nursery, helped us unpack (we had just moved) etc. She still drove me crazy, but those first few weeks are so hectic that I couldn't have done without her.
Now, if you think your MIL will not be supportive, will demean you or want to be waited on hand and foot, then try to put it off. But if the only reason is that you think that you will want time to recover first, then seriously reconsider. Having that extra help is really invaluable.
08-06-2002, 02:04 PM
My brother and his wife made it clear to both sets of parents that they wanted to be alone with their baby for a while before anyone came to visit. I think they said they wanted 2 weeks. My parents were chomping at the bit, but they gave them the time that they asked for. It's not an unreasonable request, and you can tell your husband that you want time to be alone as a family.
08-06-2002, 06:47 PM
Like the others said, I don't know what I would have done without my mom coming to stay for that first week. DH had to return to work 2 days after the baby was born and nobody told me what a rollercoaster your hormones do. Even though DD did a lot of sleeping, I napped a lot better knowing that my mom was there to take care of her and wake me up when I needed to feed her. Otherwise just as I would be drifting off, I would bolt upright imagining the baby was crying (sometimes I still "hear" her crying). And how wonderful when my mom would cook and clean and fold laundry and I could just sit there.
But my mom did kind of view it as her rite of passage into grandmotherhood -- after all, her mom came when each of us were born and shouldered the housework while my mom recovered. Do whatever will enable you to get the most rest (mentally and physically). No matter what they tell you in childbirth classes and what you learn here, you won't really understand fatigue until you're there :). Take care of YOURSELF.
08-11-2002, 05:51 PM
I never understood why people kept asking who was going to be here with us after the birth, and began to even get insulted as if we could not care for our own baby, after all, we had taken ALL the classes. ;) Anyway, after the little one got here after no sleep for two days in labor & he had a completely upside-down (sleep all day, awake all night) schedule, I UNDERSTOOD! Dh was home for the first three months due to lack of employment, I never thought I would find that to be such a blessing, but it was Heaven. Even with both of us home it was really hard at first. If your husband can't be there 24/7 (or even if he can) and you can STAND your MIL, I would accept her help. However, that whole getting to know your baby time is wonderful. Maybe you could ask her to plan on coming when your baby is one week old. You will probably be glad for the time to sleep. I think that's when the exhaustion came to a peak for us.
Mommy to Jonah
08-19-2002, 11:52 PM
Okay, this is going to the other side, but I LOVE my MIL and she didn't help a bit. My mom couldn't come and help (she's in a wheelchair and is limited both mentally and physically as the result of a stroke)and I asked my MIL to come a few days after the baby was born to help out. She said she would, but then got strep and couldn't come for a couple of weeks. When she did arrive she had brought my FIL with her. I was sooo unconfortable - DD and I were still getting the hang of nursing and I didn't want to nurse in front of my FIL. They spent most of the time filming my DH and I taking care of the baby. They did hold her, quite a bit actually, but we ended up ordering a lot of take out because they didn't do anything but hold her. I actually slept a lot less because I didn't feel comfortable sleeping with "company". I know that's a bit ridiculous but that is what happened.
Having said that I will say that NOW my MIL is a gift. My husband gets deployed a lot with the Air Force and is gone for 6 weeks at a time. I can go to her house and stay for awhile and she will pamper me and send me out for "alone time".
I guess it really depends a lot on you and your MIL. If you really don't want her there then you will be uncomfortable and resentful the entire time. I would suggest that you tell your husband that you would like some "family bonding time" but you aren't sure how long that will last. That gives you a little leeway to put off her visit for a few weeks after the child is born or to call her up at midnight the day after the hospital releases you and ask her why she isn't there NOW to hold HER grandchild!
In any case I wish you the best of luck, being a Mom is soooo much better than being pregnant!
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