What's the most tactful way to ask for no gifts or a donation?

[kali]

I am drafting the invitation to DS' 4th birthday party. My preferences for gifts are as follows:

No gift
A charitable donation
Toys or whatever (a distant third)

He has way too much stuff as it is (we literally don't have the space for more), and I really want him to start learning about giving to charitable causes.

Please give me advice on how to say "please don't bring any gifts, but if you can't resist, write a check to XYZ charity" without sounding hypocritical or like you're trying to guilt people into donating $$.

[lorien_ca]

well, here is what i did... it worked, kinda...

in small print at the bottom of the invite, i put: "in lieu of gifts, please consider bringing canned goods for the (our city) food pantry."

the good news - everyone cleaned out their pantries and just with our small party of family and a few friends we filled 7 large mall type shopping bags.

the bad news - everyone did both. they brought cans AND a gift for sam. i peeked and put a few aside that were appropriate unopened and donated those as well.

lori

[Pennylane]

My friend had a Diego themed party and asked in Lieu of gifts, a $5.00 donation be made to the local Animal Rescue Center. I thought it was a great way to tie the donation into the party and it was honestly the first time I have been to a party where no one brought a gift.

I think if you can do it in a way that specifies a place the $ is going to people or more likely to comply. She also had picked up info from the charity (coloring books for the kids, info for adults) to hand out.

I'd put it on the invitation, although I would not put " if you can't resist". I would just put " In lieu of gifts , please bring a donation to XYZ charity" . The worst that happens is your dc gets a few gifts.

Ann

[Bean606]

Don't know whether it was tactful or not, but I put the following in an invitation (but for an adult's party, not a child's). "Please, no gifts. We really mean it! For those of you who can't resist, please make a donation to the charity of your choice instead." We got no gifts, and a few people wrote in the card they gave that they had made a donation to xyz charity. Don't know if anyone else did or not.

[sidmand]

I'd love to hear the responses because we tried for DS's 2nd birthday and the few people who didn't bring gifts felt bad because some people brought gifts, some brought gifts but kind of hid them in case other people brought gifts and in the end I decided it didn't work all that well!

I was brought up to NOT open the gifts at the party anyway and that doesn't seem to be the norm around here.

At three, DS understands that he'll be getting birthday presents, but I still don't think he cares what they are. I'm not going to bother this time (people seem to really enjoy buying gifts and I don't want to take that away!) but will probably donate most of the toys to a charity. We really don't need any more toys (and everyone knows that!) so hopefully we don't get too many anyway.

We're also having the party at a bounce house place and only have 1/2 hour for anything other than bouncing, so we might be able to do it this year...your presence is our present? I wouldn't put in the part about if you feel it's necessary to bring a gift because then people will think they should--IYKWIM?

[egoldber]

I did no gifts for Sarah's 2nd and 3rd birthday parties (I didn't know any better for her first birthday...). I just put "No gifts please" at the bottom of the invite and reiterated it when people RSVP'd. A few people still brought gifts, but most complied. A couple people who didn't bring gifts expressed their dismay upon seeing a couple gifts (I tried to hide them but not quickly enough) and I tried to reassure them that it was fine.

But at age 4 there was no way I could have done a no gifts party. Sarah was totally into the whole present thing at that age. And also now that she is older she enjoys picking out gifts for her friends.

[mom2binsd]

I went a child's party and instead of gift the invite asked for a favorite book so that a donation of books could be made to a local shelter...DD had fun picking out a book to give...I don't think she even realized it wasn't for the boy having the birthday.

[rlu]

We simply put "no gifts please" for DS's 2nd b-day. Two of three guests brought gifts anyway - the one who didn't had just had her "no gifts" b-day party the month before which we complied with, so we were "even" if you will.

DS understood about presents when he turned 3 so we just removed toys from the various areas around the house that year. Now he's old enough to notice missing items so before his 4th b-day we had him sort through his toys and give up some "for kids who don't have any". He didn't do it in one fell swoop but as he comes across unwanted toys he'll hand them to me and tell me it's for the boy who doesn't have one.

[mamabelle]

Dd's preschool has a relationship with a community center that serves a low income neighborhood. They have a birthday books program that has a little slip that goes in with the invite and explains the program and asks to bring a book instead of a gift. Also, they give book plate stickers with a spot for who gave the book and the name of the birthday child. There might be a similar program in your area. Dd loves picking out the books for this program and actually asked if we could do birthday books for a few nights of Hannukah. Sometimes people bring a gift too but at least you are not overwhelmed with stuff and your dc learns a great lesson. Dd loved bringing the books to the children's room at the community center. We got a wonderful welcome and dd spent time with the kids there. We have actually gone back several times for other volunteer opportunities.

[nov04]

We put "best wishes only please" for dd1's baptism. About a third brought them anyway, we just put them in a bedroom and opened them after the party.

We routinely weed out surplus stuff anyway and give to Sally Ann. dd1 doesn't particpate in this yet as she's not aware of chariable stuff.

[SnuggleBuggles]

How does he feel about things? Just honestly curious. You could always have him make a donation (a toy he gets, $ he gets, a toy he picks out at a store) rather than have the guests donate.

But, to answer your actual q, I would just say, "no gifts please. Ds's loves animals so a donation to the animal rescue league would be great though" (or whatever charity).

Beth

[kali]

How does he feel about things? Just honestly curious. You could always have him make a donation (a toy he gets, $ he gets, a toy he picks out at a store) rather than have the guests donate.

For his previous birthdays, we opened the gifts and doled them out to him over time. He got big presents from close relatives, but I think he was too young to get the whole "It's my birthday, shower me with gifts" thing. And we want to keep it that way. He enjoys picking out gifts for his friends, but I don't think he expects to get a big pile of stuff at his party. We really keep him pretty well supplied with toys and books throughout the year.

The suggestions have been great--thanks everyone. We actually have a cause in mind--a public charter school that DS will be attending in the fall, so in a sense a donation to the school IS a gift for him.

[shelikesmorningglories]

I can see this idea working for an infant but a four year old is going to be aware of the concept of birthday=gifts.I wouldn't go down that road.Simply let the guests bring what they will:)

[mamaoftwins]

kali, I am so happy that you posted this - I have been trying to figure out how to get the no gifts thing to work for the boys' baptism, and now I have some great ideas!

Thanks, everyone - BBB is the best!! :)