How do you handle money when relative stays with you?

[blisstwins]

We had our 11 yo cousin come to stay with us for a week and it was very expensive. We did many activities, of course, and since she is super picky and we were out we ate out a lot. Her mom sent money along with her, but it felt weird and wrong to take money from a child, especially since she would ask "do I have to pay for my food or will you pay that?" Her mom is very selfish and I feel a little taken advantage of. But I love the child and hope she will come again. DO I just suck it up or do I let her pay for some stuff? I really feel like the mother should send the money to me (give this to X) as opposed to leaving it in the child's hands. Grrr.

[vludmilla]

I don't know your relative so I can't say what her motives are or if she is selfish but I can tell you about an experience I had recently. My 9 year old nephew who usually lives in Brazil stayed with us. His father (my BIL) is a professor/researcher who lives in Brazil and NYC part-time. His father is a good guy but a little clueless. When we took his son, he gave him a little money but he always gave it to his son. He also let us know that he had given his son the money so that we wouldn't have to buy food/tickets for him. Sometimes it wasn't quite enough money and a couple of times, he forgot to give the money, but all in all, I think he meant well. So, take that for what it's worth. Not everyone thinks of giving the money to the adults, even when they mean well.

[SnuggleBuggles]

I would expect to pay in that case.

I used to go and stay with cousins and my parents would give me spending money for things like souvenirs or candy at the movies. If I were to guess she most likely gave the parents money to cover my expenses, at least as much as she estimated. I think that way of doing things works well if you are the parent of the child going to stay somewhere else.

Like I said, as the host I would be happy with some extra money for the child's expenses but I wouldn't worry about it. It would be hard in your case to tell the child that they had to use their money for things like food and stuff. In that case I may have said that she should use that money for admission to things but that you would cover meals. Sorry, I'm thinking and typing at the same time. Lay out ahead of time what her money will be for. Like meals will be covered by you but extras wouldn't be (snacks, admissions,...) or tweak that based on how far you realistically think the money will go so she doesn't feel like she won't have enough. She shouldn't be worried if her mom didn't give her enough $.

Beth

[Georgia]

If I were hosting a child I would expect to take on their expenses while they were with me. Any money the child had brought would be their own spending money so they could buy souvenirs or something. If it was my child going to someone else's house I would offer to buy any big-ticket items, like a trip to an amusement park if that was the point of the visit, as well as make sure they had their own pocket money but not expect to pay room-and-board.

When I have a party I don't expect guests to chip in for the food, and this seems to me to be in the same category. You've invited her, right? If they've asked you to babysit and that's why she's there, then that's different.

[blisstwins]

You guys are right and I did expect to pay. I was just annoyed this morning. I bought this child jeans, a piece to work on at the ceramics studio, boat ride, amusement park, ice skating, 2 plays...it goes on and it was my pleasure. She paid for an ice cream treat once and for a video game I thought a waste. She spent $12. We went to an event yesterday and I "borrowed" $7 from her money because I ran out of cash. This morning she asked my mother if she had the $7 that I owed her and then told me I should just pay my mother back. I should have used it as a teaching opportunity, but I missed the boat. Her mom is a mooch and this child has a lot of potential, but she is learning from the mom. Seriously, she said she wanted to go to the bookstore after a library trip. I said I would buy her a book. She picked 3 hardcovers. I asked her if she really liked them and was really going to read them. She said "probably not." I asked her why she was getting them and she said I said I would treat for a book so she thought getting them was a good idea. I made her put them back and find 1 book she really would read. Then I paid for that. Her family thinks mine is rich and I feel a little taken advantage of, hence my post this morning. Grr again.

[SnuggleBuggles]

Yikes!! Good for you on the book front! I am not used to hosting a child with that attitude. I can see your dilemma! I'd just write it off though and enjoy the visit. And look for as many teaching moments as possible. :)

Beth

[sidmand]

That's a tricky one, especially because she is pretty young. I know my DH wasn't happy a few years ago when we took my cousin to Universal Studios. He was a student (or just graduated, I guess) and didn't have a ton of money so we totallly expected to pay for the tickets (because we really wanted to go). But he bought himself coffee and didn't even offer to buy some for us and that was the thing that bugged DH the most! We paid for the amusement park tickets and some big dinners and knew going in that he couldn't afford those and that was fine. But I guess we kind of expected him then (through my aunt too) to treat for coffee or maybe one meal or something.

If I sent my DCs somewhere, I would send enough money to cover any big expenses. If it was something you wanted to treat to and did (ice cream, McDonald's, etc.) I wouldn't expect to pay, but the rest I kind of would. Just because you asked her to visit (if that's what happened) you weren't absolving her parents of any upkeep for the week!

If you offered to pay for a book or jeans, yes, totally that's in your court. But I actually think her parents should have sent the money to cover her for a week.

[ZeeBaby]

This was an interesting post to me. My nephews come and stay with me at least one week for every summer, sometimes they even come during school breaks as well. I love, love having them stay with me and would never think (or expect) their parents to send any money. I just figure that when the times come they will reciprocate with my children. I do set boundaries with them in terms of how much they can spend on souvenirs if I am buying and how much they eat out when they are with me. We typically take food whenever we can or eat before or after the activity. There aren't usually that many times that we eat out, because that can definitely get costly.

[lizajane]

If I were hosting a child I would expect to take on their expenses while they were with me. Any money the child had brought would be their own spending money so they could buy souvenirs or something. If it was my child going to someone else's house I would offer to buy any big-ticket items, like a trip to an amusement park if that was the point of the visit, as well as make sure they had their own pocket money but not expect to pay room-and-board.

When I have a party I don't expect guests to chip in for the food, and this seems to me to be in the same category. You've invited her, right? If they've asked you to babysit and that's why she's there, then that's different.

i feel the same way. as the hostess, you get to make the choices on where to go. you can go to the park for free, or to a pool or have a few friends over for popcorn, juice and water play in the backyard. i would honestly be offended if my sister sent money to me to cover expenses of having her son at my house. he is only a year old, so he has not yet been to visit. but i did tell her to bring him to me as soon as she and her DH are ready to go on a "date" vacation trip for a few days/week. i would expect her to pack his clothes, diapers and toys. and if he ran out of diapers, i wouldn't ask her to reimburse me. (of course, i would actually just use my cloth dipes.)

[kijip]

i feel the same way. as the hostess, you get to make the choices on where to go. you can go to the park for free, or to a pool or have a few friends over for popcorn, juice and water play in the backyard. i would honestly be offended if my sister sent money to me to cover expenses of having her son at my house. he is only a year old, so he has not yet been to visit. but i did tell her to bring him to me as soon as she and her DH are ready to go on a "date" vacation trip for a few days/week. i would expect her to pack his clothes, diapers and toys. and if he ran out of diapers, i wouldn't ask her to reimburse me. (of course, i would actually just use my cloth dipes.)

I agree with Liza. I expect to set most of the agenda with a visiting young person and that can be at any price level.

It sounds like this is colored by a rude mother and a learning to be rude child. I totally understand why the OP would be frustrated in this situation.

[ha98ed14]

I agree that YOU are the adult and the host and YOU are setting the agenda about where you go and how much to spend. It sounds like your guest does have a healthy case of the "gimmes," but by your activities and actions (offers to buy her things) you are feeding that.

Suggestions for inexpensive and fun things to do:
Slip n Slide/ hose/ sprinker
Rent 2 kid moves and do a "double feature" at home with popcorn and m&ms
Go to the park or swimming and get ice cream from the truck (kids love that)
Femo/ Sculpy/ home made play doh with food coloring and bake their creations in the oven
Let the kids plan and cook a meal
Play restaurant, let the kids take your order and prepare simple foods
Bake cookies

[kijip]

Her family thinks mine is rich and I feel a little taken advantage of, hence my post this morning. Grr again.
That makes it extra hard- when there is a undercurrent of resentment or jealousy. We actually do have considerable more money than a lot of my relatives, but most of what we have is only afforded due to frugality in areas that drives the ones that declare we are rich bonkers- like line drying clothes and eating a lot of homemade soup:ROTFLMAO:. One relative can't eat dinner with us without declaring that something that I am serving is "poor people's food". Dude, for the last time, I grew up poor and if you don't like greens, you don't need to eat them. I long ago came to the conclusion that most of my relatives that see us as rich would feel just as strapped with our income as they do with theirs because they would spend it all really fast.

[blisstwins]

We live in the city and she lives in the country, so although I do do a lot of inexpesive things with my children and I did bikes, free night at the museum, and parks with her, we did a lot of special stuff for her to have the experience. I also want to clarify that I offered to buy her books she originally said she loved after a prior visit to the library. The jeans were "back to school" bought by me because she needed them for our ice skating trip.

I was honestly venting this morning. I absolutely did not expect her to pay her way and I hosted her with pleasure. I just got a little twisted at the end when she asked my mother for the $7 I "owed" her. I can't stand entitlement or being taken advantage of.

Her mother never even called me to discuss the week (her gma made the arrangements) and I don't ever expect reciprocity. This child told me that she was going to give the money back to her mother (when I suggested that she save it) and when she asked for the money from my mom I thought that the mom giving the money to the child was a way of making sure I paid for everything. Which I would have done--I just don't like feeling taken advantage of.

All in all, it was a very good week and I would do it again. I just have no experience with this and the attitude seemed a bit much this morning.

[jgenie]

My best friend's son came to spend a week with us a couple of summers ago. I think he was 9 at the time. His mom sent money with him, and wanted him to use it to cover some of his expenses. She wanted him to get a feel for what things cost and what it was like to use his own money to pay for things. We covered all of his expenses the first few days until we realized his money was burning a hole in his pocket. We then let him pay for some of his expenses since he was spending his money on other things anyway. Once his money was being used he no longer "needed" the things he wanted at the beginning of the trip. It worked great for all of us. We were prepared to cover his expenses, but having him pay for some items made him more aware.

[kboyle]

This was an interesting post to me. My nephews come and stay with me at least one week for every summer, sometimes they even come during school breaks as well. I love, love having them stay with me and would never think (or expect) their parents to send any money. I just figure that when the times come they will reciprocate with my children. I do set boundaries with them in terms of how much they can spend on souvenirs if I am buying and how much they eat out when they are with me. We typically take food whenever we can or eat before or after the activity. There aren't usually that many times that we eat out, because that can definitely get costly.

when we host a child (or any guest for that matter) we take on the responsibility of the expenses. also, from the time i was 8-13 i stayed EVERY summer break/xmas break/spring break with my cousins and i'm pretty sure that my parents never gave them $$, and i never had $$.

if you feel taken advantage of i'd say something if this is going to effect the relationship/communication with the mom. if you can just "let it go" i'd do that if you are ok with it. then, next time she stays with you make ground rules from the get go and also let her mom know before sending her to your house, that way if there are things she wants to buy/do mom can send the $$.

[o_mom]

My niece came for a week when she was 13. We got the ticket for her with FF miles. Her mom sent money, but we paid all the admissions, meals, etc., and just let her use the money for stuff she wanted at gift shops, etc. We didn't have the "gimme" situation, but I think if you do it again, you should decide up front what you are going to pay for. The bookstore situation sounds like one where it should be her expense. If she needs something to read while there, the library is free. :)

[blisstwins]

I feel awful. It's not the money I begrudge. I love the girl and her grandmother and spent on her gladly. It was just the fact that she asked my mother for the money I OWED her after I was so generous for a week that put me out. I will get over it...

[o_mom]

I feel awful. It's not the money I begrudge. I love the girl and her grandmother and spent on her gladly. It was just the fact that she asked my mother for the money I OWED her after I was so generous for a week that put me out. I will get over it...

Yes, that is tough. :hug: