What in the hell does *he* have to be angry about?

[farsk]

My ex-husband and I got divorced just over three years ago after being separated nearly a year. Shortly after we separated, he moved to Iowa to be with his OW. November of the next year, he married his OW (who had left her husband and had three children of her own). This past April, he and OW had a daughter together. He intermittently comes to see Ellen, and it becomes more obvious every day that he now has his replacement family, including his replacement daughter. On the outside, it seems like things are going well for him - brand new mustang, home in the suburbs, wife, loving step-children, and a daughter of his own.

So why does he still seem so angry at *me*????

I'm not the one who had an affair.

I'm not the one who left him.

I'm not the one who abandoned our daughter.

I'm not the one who never comes to visit her.

I'm not the one who got a month behind in child support.

I'm not the one refusing to pay for any extra activities.

I really don't get it. I don't ask him for anything. NOT ONE THING. Ellen goes to see his parents every Tuesday and spends at least two nights with them a month. I take her from my family gatherings to his side of the family gatherings, in spite of the fact that he's not there - he's in IOWA.

I'm as nice to him as I know how to be. How he can be angry at me boggles the mind. Any one know?

[schums]

:hug: :hug: :hug:

No BTDT, but my guess is he's feeling VERY VERY guilty. And doesn't know what to do about it, so he takes it out on you. Perhaps life isn't as great as he makes it out to be. Maybe his family is laying on the guilt. Maybe he actually grew a conscience. But I'd bet dollars to donuts this is how he's dealing with his guilt.

And BTW, you're a GREAT mom. I don't know that I'd work as hard as you have to maintain a relationship with his family, especially since it doesn't seem very important to him!

[gatorsmom]

I totally agree with Sarah. He's feeling guilty or overwhelmed. And he's taking it out on you. Of COURSE he spins things to make it sound like his life is hunky dory but nobody's life is ever perfect. And I"d bet that the more he spins a happy tale, the less he's actually happy. And he's taking all that negativity out on you. Doesn't make any sense, but I've seen that behavior before.

And you absolutely ARE doing a wonderful job. Your daughter has a fantastic role model.

[KpbS]

:hug: :hug: :hug:

No BTDT, but my guess is he's feeling VERY VERY guilty. !

:yeahthat:

[caleymama]

I agree with everything the PPs have said. I'm sure it's not lost on him that you are handling things as well as possible and are moving on with your life.

Lots and lots of :hug: to you.

[lisams]

I'm guessing he's mad at himself and that he isn't man enough to admit he has done this to himself. so he redirects his anger at you. It's so much easier for him to do that than deal with the internal struggle he has created.

I'm so sorry. Your DD is so lucky to have such a strong mommy.

[saschalicks]

:hug: :hug: :hug:

And BTW, you're a GREAT mom. I don't know that I'd work as hard as you have to maintain a relationship with his family, especially since it doesn't seem very important to him!
:yeahthat: I can't agree more. He's an angry man, don't let him taint what a wonderful loving mother you are.

[farsk]

What I want to know more than anything is this: Does he know he messed up his life but still wants to be angry at me or does he not know?

It doesn't really matter. I'd just be happy to know he knows he messed up. I don't want him back and wouldn't take him if he tried.

[kedss]

I personally wouldn't spend 2 more seconds wondering about him-

[Melbel]

My guess is that the honeymoon phase is over with the OW and that the realities of life with a newborn have him feeling overwhelmed. He is not happy and he has unfortunately chosen to take it out on you. Perhaps he feels guilty for abandoning his wife and child as suggested by PP now that he has come to realize that the grass wasn't really greener after all. I admire the way you are handling the situation. Continue to take the high road and it will pay off both for you and your daughter. :grouphug:

[kijip]

I personally wouldn't spend 2 more seconds wondering about him-

:yeahthat:

He is so not worth your time and energy.

[gatorsmom]

My guess is that the honeymoon phase is over with the OW and that the realities of life with a newborn have him feeling overwhelmed.

I agree with this. I don't think there is any way the new wife could possibly give him the amount of attention that drew him away in the first place. With the newborn AND the stepkids in the way, I"d be willing to bet that he's already looking for a replacement for his replacement family. And forget about hearing him apologizing. He's probably too proud and would never put himself in a position to hear, "I told you so." My guess is, he knows you were right and it pisses him off to think it. Thus, he treats you bad.

You have every right to feel smug when you think about him. And hopefully you won't do that too often anymore. He's not worth it.

[farsk]

Funny thing is I don't.....

He left me on New Years Eve 2004-2005. The last several years, I've spent the entire month of December depressed because of it (found out about his affair on 12/6).

This year. I stunned myself by letting both "anniversaries" escape virtually unnoticed. I was entirely too busy focusing on Ellen, Chris, and his daughter; making our New Years Eve party fabulous, getting tickled at our girls dancing, and being kissed by the most interesting, attractive, and sexy man I have ever known. ;)

[mama2g03]

Yay, you! Sounds like you are moving on. Hope it's a great year for you and Ellen and Chris and his DD. It's been good to see you back here and hear that you guys are doing well. Good luck!

[KBecks]

Good for you! I remember reading when you were in the dark times and so happy to hear you're doing great now.

[saschalicks]

Funny thing is I don't.....

He left me on New Years Eve 2004-2005. The last several years, I've spent the entire month of December depressed because of it (found out about his affair on 12/6).

This year. I stunned myself by letting both "anniversaries" escape virtually unnoticed. I was entirely too busy focusing on Ellen, Chris, and his daughter; making our New Years Eve party fabulous, getting tickled at our girls dancing, and being kissed by the most interesting, attractive, and sexy man I have ever known. ;)

Here's the thing the best revenge is that you don't care anymore. My guess is he's angry b/c you are actually happy and he isn't.

Good for you! I'm so happy to hear it all. You deserve it!

[KpbS]

Funny thing is I don't.....

He left me on New Years Eve 2004-2005. The last several years, I've spent the entire month of December depressed because of it (found out about his affair on 12/6).

This year. I stunned myself by letting both "anniversaries" escape virtually unnoticed. I was entirely too busy focusing on Ellen, Chris, and his daughter; making our New Years Eve party fabulous, getting tickled at our girls dancing, and being kissed by the most interesting, attractive, and sexy man I have ever known. ;)


Yea for you!!! That's awesome :)

[bubbaray]

Yeah you -- congrats on moving on to a better place! :)

Don't waste a minute of your new fabulous life thinking about him. He's so not worth it.

[maestramommy]

He left me on New Years Eve 2004-2005. The last several years, I've spent the entire month of December depressed because of it (found out about his affair on 12/6).

This year. I stunned myself by letting both "anniversaries" escape virtually unnoticed. I was entirely too busy focusing on Ellen, Chris, and his daughter; making our New Years Eve party fabulous, getting tickled at our girls dancing, and being kissed by the most interesting, attractive, and sexy man I have ever known. ;)

Well, I remember my Dh once told me "the best revenge is living well." So there you are:jammin: Good for you!

[kransden]

Hmmm... let's see
1. You have moved on with your life
2. Your child has a replacement father
3. Your child has a "sister"
4. You have a replacement man
5. You see his mother every week, and she knows how horrible he is
6. You try to do the right thing for your dd and HIS family - they know it too!
He had a dirty little affair and...
7. His family probably despises him
8. Hot lustful sex is a thing of the past
9. 2 a.m. feedings and dirty diapers
10. step children - fun fun fun!
11. Child support- plus supporting a new family

Of course he is angry with you - you are a constant reminder of what a total @#$% he is. Maybe if he wouldn't have bought that car, he would have money for child support!

I'm glad you are doing well, too bad he can't be an adult about it.

[jal]

Here's the thing the best revenge is that you don't care anymore. My guess is he's angry b/c you are actually happy and he isn't.

Good for you! I'm so happy to hear it all. You deserve it!

It sort of sounds like he though the grass was greener on the other side of the fence... but once he climbed into the other yard, found out it was just winter weeds.

[maestramommy]

It sort of sounds like he though the grass was greener on the other side of the fence... but once he climbed into the other yard, found out it was just winter weeds.

:hysterical: