birthday party etiquette question

[sariana]

DS's 5th birthday party is this Friday morning at a park. We expect 15 guests plus parents. I was thinking DS should not open gifts at the party (he has done so in the past and some guests are repeats). I can think of only one party DS has attended at which the gifts were opened during the party. Is there a guideline for this?

TIA!

[infomama]

DS's 5th birthday party is this Friday morning at a park. We expect 15 guests plus parents. I was thinking DS should not open gifts at the party (he has done so in the past and some guests are repeats). I can think of only one party DS has attended at which the gifts were opened during the party. Is there a guideline for this?

TIA!
We always open presents at birthday parties when the guests are still there.

[SnuggleBuggles]

Another one who opens gifts at the party, even when there are repeat guests. At age 5 the kids- both the b-day child and guests- usually love it. I know my ds loves to see the gift he thoughtfully chose be opened in front of him. It's weird to me when people pack up the gifts and take them home w/o opening them. Seems anticlimatic. It stinks even more if they only send a generic thank you (or none at all).

Ds1 just had his b-day party recently and the kids had so much fun during the gift opening. Lots of "oohs and ahhs", it was so cute. :)

A reminder of manners before hand is a good idea. B-day excitement can sometimes make them forgetful.

It's a personal choice though. If you don't want to do the gifts at the party you don't have to. Lots of guests that I know like having it done at the party, ime. I think it must vary by region and culture what the trend is. No guidelines that I know of...and I have read about a dozzen books about kids b-day party planning. :)

Beth

[shoxie]

We do NOT open gifts. As in your experience, I've only attended one party at which gifts were opened. But my oldest is only 3, so maybe things will change as she gets older. My primary motivation for not opening gifts was to not have anyone feel bad - we have friends from very mixed socioeconomic backgrounds, so I didn't want anyone to feel bad for not spending crazy money when others went overboard. Don't know if this is a good reason, but I really didn't want anyone to feel uncomfortable - I think when DD reaches 5 or so, maybe we'll change that, though I'm not sure.

[sidmand]

I hate opening gifts at parties. I was never brought up to do that and although it is done at a lot of the parties we go to, I try to avoid it if possible!

Most of DS's parties have been somewhere else so I've been able to avoid it that way (we only have a set amount of time and so I don't want to use the playing/eating time for opening gifts).

But I really have no interest in seeing the gifts at someone else's party either. It's kind of boring for me...I guess I don't *get* it. But I know some people really enjoy it.

I think it must be a regional/cultural thing though, not so much an etiquette thing.

[kristenk]

Of the eight 5th bday parties that DD has experienced (including her own), presents were opened at the party at five of them. I think it's perfectly acceptable to open them or to open them at home. Do whichever is easier for you.

[TwinFoxes]

We do NOT open gifts. As in your experience, I've only attended one party at which gifts were opened. But my oldest is only 3, so maybe things will change as she gets older. My primary motivation for not opening gifts was to not have anyone feel bad - we have friends from very mixed socioeconomic backgrounds, so I didn't want anyone to feel bad for not spending crazy money when others went overboard. Don't know if this is a good reason, but I really didn't want anyone to feel uncomfortable - I think when DD reaches 5 or so, maybe we'll change that, though I'm not sure.

This was my thought too, but my DH's family opens gifts for EVERYTHING. His mom is Polish-American and there's some term for the party on the day after your wedding where you open all the wedding gifts. I refused, I didn't want people to feel bad, plus in our social circle, people shipped the gifts to us before/after the ceremony.

Back to the original point, :rolleye0014: we opened birthday gifts for our girls because we had the party at Grandma's. Some of DH's relatives went way overboard (in particular the two sets of adult twins), and I felt kind of bad for the ones who bought more modest gifts.

[shoxie]

His mom is Polish-American and there's some term for the party on the day after your wedding where you open all the wedding gifts.

That's funny - I'm Polish, too, but I haven't experienced this...I'll have to ask my parents about it as I was born here, so am probably not privy to all the customs.

[pinkmomagain]

We usually do not open presents at parties....although my oldest has started to (she is turning 13 yo) as it seems to be the trend with her friends. She doesn't have a big party though, usually just has a few close friends together for manicures, pizza, etc.

My main reasons for not openning gifts is to avoid any possible hurt feelings of guests (if they feel their gift is not as great as another guest's, or if dd makes a faux pas commenting on a present ie. "Oh, I already have one.").

[TwinFoxes]

That's funny - I'm Polish, too, but I haven't experienced this...I'll have to ask my parents about it as I was born here, so am probably not privy to all the customs.

Ok, after much Googling trying to figure out how it's spelled, it's called a "poprawiny". Poh-pra-vee-nee is how they pronounce it. My MIL was born here so I don't know if that's correct.

[shoxie]

Ok, after much Googling trying to figure out how it's spelled, it's called a "poprawiny". Poh-pra-vee-nee is how they pronounce it. My MIL was born here so I don't know if that's correct.

Cool, thank you, TwinFoxes - I will definitely ask my parents about it! The root of the word comes from "to fix," so I can see how it would fit. Seems like a mix of fixing and birthday or something - very interesting! :)

[SnuggleBuggles]

r if dd makes a faux pas commenting on a present ie. "Oh, I already have one.").

Ds1 did this at his party but made an awesome, quick recovery in saying how he loved building it so much (Lego set) that he was really excited to get to build it again and was really happy with it. Some fast thinking!

Beth

[alien_host]

We haven't really opened gifts during DD's parties, she's only 4 and this is the first year she expressed interest in opening at the party. It was a family party so she did open gifts.

If she had a large kid party this year we probably wouldn't have opened gifts either. I find it difficult to keep track of who gave what with a dozen preschoolers around (some trying to help open), it seems so chaotic. And it's important to me to send a thank you note and mention the item specifically and not have to say "thanks for the gift".

Another benefit to waiting and opening later is that if duplicates are received you can put it aside and try to exchange it or regift. If it's opened infront of other kids, the kids often want to open up the toy and then you have no choice but to keep it.

We also haven't been to many parties where the gifts have been opened during the party. Some were at a My Gym type place and to me that makes sense since you have limited time there. Some were at people's homes and they still didn't open gifts.

I think it's a personal preference. I'd do what you feel comfortable with.

[o_mom]

We always open at the party, but so far have only done family parties. I think for small children (say 3-4 or younger) there is something to be said for not opening at the party because they are many times too young to understand that they are not theirs, etc. Around age 4-5 and older, I think there is great value to both the birthday child and guests in opening them at the party. I think it's a great opportunity for them to learn how to graciously give and accept gifts - plenty of teaching moments even when the little slip-ups occur.

[Corie]

I think for small children (say 3-4 or younger) there is something to be said for not opening at the party because they are many times too young to understand that they are not theirs, etc. Around age 4-5 and older, I think there is great value to both the birthday child and guests in opening them at the party. I think it's a great opportunity for them to learn how to graciously give and accept gifts - plenty of teaching moments even when the little slip-ups occur.


I completely agree with your statement. This is how I feel as well.

[toby]

I have had the same question/concern! In the past, we have not opened gifts at the party since it has been at the Little Gym and have had limited time. Rather than taking 1/2 hour to open presents, I wanted the kids to have extra play time. That being said, I do feel funny packing up the presents and worry that others might think that it is rude. If we had it at our house, I think that I would probably open the presents (but not at the park).

[hellokitty]

The only time we do not open gifts in front of others at a party is if it is at a bday party place where there is a time limit (ie: Chuck E Cheese, carrousel, both which give you only a 2 hr limit from beginning to end, which includes packing up your stuff). So, usually, there is not enough time to open gifts, kwim? However, if you are doing it at a park/home or some place w/o a time limitation, I think it would be perfectly ok to open gifts in front of guests and most would probably expect it.

[sariana]

Thanks for your replies!

I should mention that the reason the party is so large is that DS is in a special ed preschool. He has two classes with only a few overlaps, and we invited everyone from both classes. I thought more people would be out of town because of the holiday....

My current thought is to open gifts at the very end of the time frame (party is 10-noon, so just before noon). I found some ideas for making it an activity. I think we might do "musical gifts." Each child starts with the gift s/he brought. As the music plays, gifts are passed around the circle. When the music stops, DS opens the gift he has.

If people don't want to stay for this part, they can leave knowing that the allotted party time is over. By making it an activity, we can keep it somewhat organized.

I should also mention that most of the parties DS has been to have been at those places with a time limit. So that might be why gifts were not opened. At one Chuck E. Cheese party the birthday boy did open the gifts, and I thought it was kind of awkward. There definitely was a wide range of prices.

As for manners and such, these children all have difficulties with social interactions. So I could say, "Let's avoid problems by not opening gifts." Or I could say, "Let's use this as a learning opportunity to teach proper gratitude and such." Which puts me right back where I started. To open or not to open? :confused:

[hellokitty]

If you think that opening gifts would make it challenging for some kids to behave, then I think you should go with your gut feeling NOT to open gifts at the party. I've been to a few parties where the other kids started getting into with the birthday child over the gifts once they were open, b/c THEY wanted to play with it. In situations like that (where the parents don't step in or the kids just don't know any better), I think it's better to just wait until you get home to open gifts.

[specialp]

This doesn't help you, but it seems to vary from region to region. Where I'm at, I've never been to or heard of any birthday party where gifts were NOT opened. . . no matter the age of the person. So it would be odd around here not to do it at the party in front of the guests. With that said, I really would love it if more people left the gift opening at home.

[ourbabygirl]

I agree with this last person; every party I've been to, they open the gifts. My perspective, too, as an aunt, cousin, friend, whatever- is that I've put a lot of time and thought into the gift I've bought/ made, and I want to see the kid or their parents open it. I usually try to do something personalized or at least creative and particular for that kid/ person, so I get enjoyment out of watching them open it and smile :p.

[bubbaray]

I loathe opening gifts at parties, I just think its tacky. However, most of the parties we've been to in the past 5 yrs, the child does open the present at the party....

[egoldber]

I was just at a party over the weekend where the gifts were opened and it just reinforced to me why it so often isn't any fun. The birthday girl was opening them while parents were arriving to pick up. The mom was seeing guests off to the door during the process, other kids were opening the gifts and playing with them, the gifts were getting trampled and in disarray. The mom asked me several times if *I* remembered who the gifts were from. One little girl in particular (not the birthday child) was rude about the gifts ("I have that and it's no fun...."). Sarah was upset because her gift kept getting pushed the back of the line by other pushier kids. Sigh.

I don't open gifts at the party and it is not typical. The mom only did it this time because the activity she wanted to do instead did not work (mechanical difficulties) so it was a desperation activity on her part.

[hillview]

We do not open presents and have never been to a party where presents are opened.
/hillary

[egoldber]

. My perspective, too, as an aunt, cousin, friend, whatever- is that I've put a lot of time and thought into the gift I've bought/ made, and I want to see the kid or their parents open it.

I just wanted to add that I think kid parties with mainly family and lots of adults in attendance are very different from kid parties where the only guests are kids. It's a whole different dynamic.

It's one thing to manage a party with 3-4 kids and a large ratio of adults to kids. It's a whole different ballgame to manage a 10-20 kid party with virtually no other adults.

[pinkmomagain]

My current thought is to open gifts at the very end of the time frame (party is 10-noon, so just before noon). I found some ideas for making it an activity. I think we might do "musical gifts." Each child starts with the gift s/he brought. As the music plays, gifts are passed around the circle. When the music stops, DS opens the gift he has.

I've never seen this done before and it sounds cute in theory, but my concerns would be: cards/labels falling off presents from being handled so much & not knowing who a gift is from; in the off chance there is a fragile gift, it could get broken; putting gifts in the hands of children who can't open/keep them.

[egoldber]

Oh golly I missed the musical gifts. Can I just gently say I went to a party where this was done once and it was seriously torture. For the kids and the parents who were there. It also took FOREVER.

[infocrazy]

Personally, I think that if you are not going to open the presents at the party, it should be a no gifts party. DS1 is always excited to pick something, help me wrap, draw a card...etc. He would be sad if he didn't get to see the reaction of his friend.

[kijip]

This year we did not because there simply was not time in the context of the party we were throwing and it would have been a logistical nightmare. There was 1hr+ jumping on the bouncers and then 1 hour in the party room. 1 hour was pretty much exactly enough time for people to sit down and eat lunch and sing and then cut the cake and have T pass it around to all the guests. After the cake was eaten it was time to start passing out favors and saying goodbye or we would have gone over. Also, there were a lot of presents and my son is not one to rip open gift after gift and get it over with- he takes a lot of time (think Bert for your old Sesame fans) to unwrap it and then he often wants to look at it for a bit before moving onto to the next gift. We brought them home and he opened them over a few hours in the back yard (stopping to play). When his parties are smaller and he is older, we will open them at the party if it is doable. At family parties, we open the gifts but then there are three of them or so and not 25.

[kijip]

Oh golly I missed the musical gifts. Can I just gently say I went to a party where this was done once and it was seriously torture. For the kids and the parents who were there. It also took FOREVER.

Word. If there are more than 6 guests, it takes a long time and is dull.

[tiapam]

Thanks for your replies!

I should mention that the reason the party is so large is that DS is in a special ed preschool. He has two classes with only a few overlaps, and we invited everyone from both classes. I thought more people would be out of town because of the holiday....

My current thought is to open gifts at the very end of the time frame (party is 10-noon, so just before noon). I found some ideas for making it an activity. I think we might do "musical gifts." Each child starts with the gift s/he brought. As the music plays, gifts are passed around the circle. When the music stops, DS opens the gift he has.

If people don't want to stay for this part, they can leave knowing that the allotted party time is over. By making it an activity, we can keep it somewhat organized.

I should also mention that most of the parties DS has been to have been at those places with a time limit. So that might be why gifts were not opened. At one Chuck E. Cheese party the birthday boy did open the gifts, and I thought it was kind of awkward. There definitely was a wide range of prices.

As for manners and such, these children all have difficulties with social interactions. So I could say, "Let's avoid problems by not opening gifts." Or I could say, "Let's use this as a learning opportunity to teach proper gratitude and such." Which puts me right back where I started. To open or not to open? :confused:

For such a large party, I would probably not open the gifts at the party. I would definitely not do musical gifts either. To me that is too close to Pass the Parcel, which is a party game where all the kids actually get a present/prize. The most we have at DD's parties was 7 or 8 kids, and we did open then. Although I did not really plan on it, she insisted. The first time we did it at the end. The next time she opened presents as guests arrived. I think it started when her first guest came and was just so excited they wanted her to open it right now. Of course she obliged! It actually wasn't a bad way to go. No less chaotic than at the end, but still in front of each guest, just not in front of all at once. The only other problem with this is if they get some great gift they really want to play with right now. But if you redirect quickly to the next gift, and remind about playtime and cake coming up, it is doable. I think this approach also validates the excitement of the giver and receiver. It is so great they both can't wait!

[neeleymartin]

We do NOT open gifts. As in your experience, I've only attended one party at which gifts were opened. But my oldest is only 3, so maybe things will change as she gets older. My primary motivation for not opening gifts was to not have anyone feel bad - we have friends from very mixed socioeconomic backgrounds, so I didn't want anyone to feel bad for not spending crazy money when others went overboard. Don't know if this is a good reason, but I really didn't want anyone to feel uncomfortable - I think when DD reaches 5 or so, maybe we'll change that, though I'm not sure.

:yeahthat:

[jacksmomtobe]

Ds's last (5th) Birthday party was the only one where we did not open gifts at the party. That was more due to the fact that the party was at a Community Center and with all the activities planned plus the fact that we had a tight time frame to clean up we just didn't have time. Otherwise I always have my child open the gifts as some of the other posters mentioned I think the gift givers enjoy seeing the gift recipients reaction. DS is always the boy at every party that wants the Birthday child to open his gift.

[mom2binsd]

DD has been to many parties and at her two friend parties (age 5 and 6) we opened gifts, guests were spellbound and oohed and ahed at all the gifts. It was not a long production and was scheduled after games before cake.

This year we had each little girl hand their gift to DD and I snapped a photo which we included in the thank you (along with a group photo of the girls too).

Around here (IL) and back home in Ontario I have never heard of children (over age 3) not opening presents at a party.

[Toba]

I'm also another person that lives in a region where gifts are always opened at the party, no matter what age (even for great grandmas! my son has two!). The only "party" that I can think of around here where presents do not get opened is at a wedding.

Reading your second post though ... I think you have a very valid (not that you need one) reason to take the gifts home. It's obviously your choice, but I think you're probably going to get at least one or two, "Are we going to open gifts yet?"

[Toba]

This year we had each little girl hand their gift to DD and I snapped a photo which we included in the thank you (along with a group photo of the girls too).

I love that idea!! Very thoughtful! :)

[kransden]

In my experience 4-6 yr olds can be taught manners. (I am not being snarky) I told dd to thank everyone and not say she already had it or didn't like it. We did some serious role playing every year. If the child asked if she loved it, and she hated it. She was to reply "I think it's great for you to think of me!" She does understand her friends want her to be happy, and she shouldn't make them feel bad. All the kids want to know she liked her present from them. Plus they love seeing the stuff too.

At 4 they all were too excited and it didn't matter. They could have wrapped up chewed bubble gum lol! The 5th and 6th were fine. As for economics, they typically aren't aware costs yet. One of dd's favorite gifts was from the dollar store. The little boy picked it out himself -costume jewelry with sparkling hearts.

Some people notice you spent $$$ money on a present and will remember what you spent on another child or will tit-for-tat you at a later party. I am glad they have a hobby, but I am busy having fun. ;) So we always open the presents because we want to.

I think sometime we forget the party is about the child, not the adults.

[sariana]

Thank you all for the advice and examples.

I think we will skip the gifts simply because of the sheer number of kids who are coming. DS is actually pretty good about being excited; I don't think he'd poo-poo any gift. But I think all the other kids would get too many wiggles waiting for him to open 15 (well, fewer b/c some guests are siblings, but still) presents.

Several of the guests are those who did not open gifts at their parties. So I don't think anyone will feel offended if we save it for later.

If people seem bored, we may do it. But that is unlikely since the party is at a playground which was recently renovated and has some really cool stuff now. It's also across the street from the library, in case we get really desperate. (j/k!) I hope the games I have planned will fill the time sufficiently.

Thanks again for all your comments!