Having difficulty with financial dependency on DH (sorry this is long!)

[sfmom]

Sorry this is a bit long...but it's been building up for a while, and I don't really have any where else to vent, b/c I run the risk of it getting back to DH that I complain...

So it all goes something like this...a few months ago, we had to relocate for DH's work. This is the second time in 5 years that I've had to quit a job that I was good at and had worked hard to get in order to relocate for his work. With the understanding that since he makes and is likely to make more money than I am, this appeared the right thing to do. So with the most recent move, in an effort to be positive about it (which I generally admittedly am not), I focused on being excited about staying at home with my DD who was turning 1. It didn't make sense - at the time - for me to look for a new job in this economy, which I assumed would take at least 6-8 mnths under the best scenario, and then try to get pregnant a year later. So I'm currently a SAHM, which hasn't been the easiest thing for me. I swing between being totally exhausted by DD to feeling totally bored.

But THAT hasn't been the real problem, the problem has been my financial dependency on DH, which has caused almost weekly arguments. For years he has been telling me that there was no pressure for me to work or find a job when I had a problem doing so. But he has been on my case for the past couple of months over how much I spend. I promise you, I'm not a big spender. I don't buy expensive shoes, clothes, purses, nothing. Sometimes, I (used to) get a pedicure. It's just that things cost money. And b/c he never paid for it before (we had separate bank accounts and credit cards) he didn't know how much things cost. So, DD's daycare, mommy and me classes, food, etc., have added up. He keeps encouraging me to spend money on myself, but then when I do, he's like "How did you spend all this money?" The only thing I "splurged" on the past 6 months was registering to take a financial exam that together with the study material costs $1000 or so. All the other "splurges" were related to DD or even our car insurance, which was on my credit card.

And the problem is that b/c of this financial dependency I feel I've lost my individual identity. When we get into arguments I don't even bother to argue back anymore, b/c I feel "What's the point? What ground do I have to stand on? He has the power." I've become very paranoid about spending money.

I mean, we have a lot of issues. But this issue makes me feel like I'm disappearing. Like I'm invisible. And the clincher in all this, is that even though I really want to work, I can't right now b/c we thought it would be "smart" to have another DC since I was out of work. I'm expecting again in 5 months.

Sorry this was so long. It's just been building up and I feel very alone.

[niccig]

Hugs...I've got to run, but I'll be back later. I understand some of what you are dealing with...so you're not alone with this.

[KBecks]

In a partnership, it's not he who makes the money has the power. The money is both of yours. Get a joint account. Car insurance is not a "want". You are both adjusting to different circumstances -- that is OK.

You and he should talk about this and agree that weekly arguments over money are not good for your relationship -- so it sounds like you need to communicate about what the needs and expenses are -- it sounds like all of these costs are a surprise to him since he has never dealt with them before, so maybe you two can plan together what comes in and goes out.

Right now our family is cutting back on our spending and it's a joint effort. I don't tell my DH every bit of money I spend, and I don't ask permission to go to Target or whatever, but we both know we are keeping it reasonable. I self-monitor. But running through your expenses together and getting a handle on what's reasonable will give you an easier place to know whether spending $X or $Y weekly and on what kind of things works for both of you.

Good luck!

[jal]

You should NOT be feeling "financially dependant"... you are married. In a marriage, there isn't (supposed to be) "HIS" money and "HER" money. It should all be "OUR" money regardless of the source. After all, as a SHAM, you are still providing for your family. It might not be in the form of a paycheck, but you put as much into caring for the "family" as he does. It's just in a different way. After all, who is it that is feeding and clothing the kid(s). Who goes buy the cloths for them, and likely does much of the grocery shopping.

IMHO, the only way you should feel "financially dependant" is if you sit on your @$$ all day long and he is the one earning a pay check, feeding and clothing the kids, doing all the cooking, cleaning, etc, etc...

Now I'll admit that what I'm about to say is going to sound overly simplistic... but to an extent, the solution to your money matters is one of simply budgeting. Now I'll admit that I'm getting this from Dave Ramsey... but based on what you are venting about, it sounds like you need one step that Dave Ramsey teaches in his money talks... A BUDGET.

Basically, a budget is simply taking the time at the start of "EACH" month do decide how you are going to spend money for the month. (I love the way Dave explains it, for those that have ever seen his seminar). After all, unless ya'll are going (more?) into debit every month, your spending can not exceed your income. So you have to budget where the money is going to go (don't forget to put aside money for those bi-annual or annual expenses each month) and stick to it.

As Dave puts it, you have to each month, spend some time working on the budget. At first it will likely be a task that will take hours to get organized and negotiate where the money is going. It doesn't have to be perfect, but if you go back to the budget at the start of every month, you will eventually hone the budget and it will be a task that only takes a few minutes each month.

Now I'll admit that "budget" has all sorts of negative connitations, and I wish I could relay this in the motovaional way that Dave can (for I hated the notion of budgets before listening to him) rather than this rambling I'm going on with. But the bottom line is that if the two of you make up a budget each month, than stick to the budget, then no one has anything to complain about who is spending how much on what.

Now I'll admit that what I'm saying is a bit overly simplistic. But the fact remains that IF your family can begin living on a budget, the problem you currently are talking about WILL go away. But then again, I'll have to admit that I might not be the perfect person for giving marrital financial advice. Money is one subject that DW and I have NEVER argued about (oh, there's been plenty of other topics that have caused friction between us... money has just never been one of them).

[citymama]

Big hugs, that must be a very stressful situation to be in. I don't understand how your DD's expenses (daycare, classes, diapers!) would be *your* expenses and not his. Salon visits, OK, but daycare? Come on. I wonder if there's a financial adviser type person you can talk to - a woman preferably. I'm sure many families face this kind of situation these days. Although it sounds to me like a couples counselor might be a better resource...someone who can help you discuss this sensitive issue as you sit down with DH. It sounds like there are a number of things going on.

Are you in the Bay Area? I could discreetly ask on some of the mom's lists about a potential resource person, if you want to go this route.

Please feel free to vent or ask for help here anytime! All the best with sorting things out with your DH, and with the pregnancy.

[StantonHyde]

There really is a big identity piece in what you are talking about. More so than just the money. It was very hard for me to give up as much as I did when DS was born. My priorities were crystal clear, but it was still difficult. And I would have a really tough time being a SAHM. I get my self-actualization and identity affirmation by WOHM. (I found this out by "failing" at being an SAHM :love-retry:) So not only have you uprooted yourself and taken away a peer group and your work, you are now adding 2 kids.


As for the money, I truly understand. It was very difficult for me when I married DH. He earned about 5-6x what I was earning and people assumed I was "spending his money". um, no, it's our money. We did joint accounts right away so we have a different situation. I have a friend who does what you did--he paid for the house and living expenses she paid for DC costs etc. Obviously, I could never do that due to the income disparity. And now I work PT.


I would highly recommend that you find a therapist to talk this through. There's a lot going on for you right now. :hug:

[niccig]

I couldn't work for 2 years while going through green card process and I have some serious money issues about being dependent on anyone. Like you, DH earns more than I do. Simply speaking, you did need to work out how to get over that. The fact is, that only your DH is working, but it's not HIS money it's YOUR money, as in you the family. I tend to be more frugal than my DH is, and I question what he spends his money on. We've talked about this, and I do need to lighten up a little as it's not fair to always be on him about it. Six years of marriage and we're still trying to find middle ground.

I do suggest like others, that the two of you need to talk about the financial issues. I think you need to list all costs.

DH and I have talked about each of us having a set amount of money a month for "other expenses", so I won't question what he buys as long as it's within his "other" amount. ..but we're still trying to figure out what would be included in "other".

DH is very resistant to a budget. I read an idea in Money magazine. You have 3 buckets. Bucket 1 is for savings, Bucket 2 is for expenses like mortgage/insurance/utilities. Bucket 3 is what's left over that you can spend on eating out/clothes/entertainment/travel. This idea might work for you and DH.

[sfmom]

Thank you so much for the support. There is definitely an identity issue at play both in transitioning into being a SAHM and in not earning my own salary. I never had a rigid budget, simply b/c I always spent significantly less than I earned (which was never very much) and saved quite a bit. It's just very weird after having worked and paid for my "stuff" for SO long, suddenly not to.

[gatorsmom]

There is definitely a mental transition that you go through from having your own income to depending on someone else's income. I know because I made it too. Your husband is going through a transition too, and being the sole bread winner in the family probably has him freaked out a bit which is why he wobbles between "spend more $ on yourself" and "why are you spending so much $?" I'd try a joint account. And then try to create a budget or do the bucket idea. That'll help you create goals you can both agree with and should help with the arguing. And then try to understand that the job of a SAHP is equally as hard and valuable as a WOHP. If you had to pay someone to do all the jobs a SAHP does (with the same care and concern of a parent), it would be very expensive.

I wouldn't rule out a therapist if you are still having a hard time with this.

[ThreeofUs]

Boy, do I know what you mean. I am (or, I suppose, was) an extremely independent person. Making the transition to marriage was easy - we talked about our goals, decided all monies would be jointly held, and that was that.

And then we had two DSs. And I can barely get a contract done in my consulting business. And I hate being the "spender" with DH the "earner". Even though it's all "ours", if I think about it too much, I get really unhappy and anxious.

That said, we still talk about money and goals, and try to keep to a budget. It takes a lot of communication.

It's VERY very hard to give up independence and identity - don't feel bad that you're having trouble. If you don't feel you have the communication or the empathy going between you and your DH, can you sit down with your DH and work through all the money issues? If you need a financial adviser or therapist to do so, I wouldn't hesitate.

Good luck.

[cuca_]

Thank you so much for the support. There is definitely an identity issue at play both in transitioning into being a SAHM and in not earning my own salary. I never had a rigid budget, simply b/c I always spent significantly less than I earned (which was never very much) and saved quite a bit. It's just very weird after having worked and paid for my "stuff" for SO long, suddenly not to.

Hugs to you. This was the worst part of transitioning into being a SAHM. I've been at home for over 6 years, and while it's almost a non-issue now, like Ivy said, if I think about it it bothers me a bit. My husband has never questioned my spending, but it was a hard change to be totally financially dependent on him after being independent for a long time.

[gobadgers]

Just want to say that you are not alone.

Although I chose to be a SAHM, for a long time I also had trouble with the idea of not contributing *financially* to the household. I still do occasionally. But remember that the work you are doing is so important to you and your kids, and it is a vital contribution.

We had a long and tough transition with our budget. Our income and spending habits changed so much after our daughter was born, and to top it off, we had never had a serious budget before because we spent less than we made with two salaries.

After DD was born, it got to the point where I felt like I had to justify every little purchase to DH ("DD really needs another set of PJ's dear!"). In retrospect, he was just anxious about the budget in general (as I suspect your DH may be?), and it started to look like an attack on my spending habits because I do it all. So, I agree with other posters, that sitting down and spelling out your budget together helps to clear the air. DH had a better appreciation for how much it costs to run a household, and it really changed both of our perspectives

By the way - I think I'm going to start adding a line in our budget for each of us to do something silly or indulgent for ourselves each month - a modest amount, but required spending. So neither of us feels guilty about buying an occasional CD or whatever. And after all, EVERYONE is happier if mom gets an occasional pedicure!

[MamaMolly]

Another one who has also had to make the shift to being a SAHM. Thanks to my very controlling father, I have BIG financial dependency issues. Tonight we had *another* talk about it. I appreciate the other posters who have been able to offer advice (since I'm mostly just here for moral support ;) ).

Good luck, and I really hope you guys can work through it soon. Big hugs!

[AngelaS]

Before we were married, our pastor told us during counselling that we needed to set up ONE bank account because in marriage, the money is shared. I consider that some of the best advice we got.

To make the spending more 'fair', DH and I each get a weekly allowance. That's the money we spend on things specifially for us--books, cds, hobbies, etc. We've been doing this for probably 13 years and it's saved us LOTS of battles. Seriously, we very rarely even discuss what to spend money on, unless it's a big thing. :)

As for not contributing financially---I may not make the money, but I'm in charge of spending the least. I shop the sales for groceries, I garage sale for kids clothes and I'm the one that clips and uses coupons. I save a lot of money doing these things. :)