View Full Version : Ugh, so embarrassed and sad, yet also ANNOYED...
10-12-2009, 05:55 PM
So, DS's ABA (autism) therapist recommended that I find Dixon a typical playmate with whom she could do some sessions to teach him how to play. This was a tall order; Dixon's only "friends," are from school and he attends an early intervention program where all the children have issues. I have a friend who offered her typical son, but he's one of those kids who just doesn't have the patience to handle a kid who can't interact to his level.
Toward the end of the summer, I happened to meet another mom in the neighborhood. Her son is Dixon's age and the two boys seemed to hit it off the one time they saw eachother. Her son was very patient and happy to do whatever DS indicated he wanted to do. And he didn't seem to mind that DS didn't answer his questions or talk much. He was perfect!
I struggled with getting the courage to ask this practical stranger if I could borrow her normal son to hep with DS's therapy. Every time I picked up the phone, I chickened out. I finally worked up the nerve and we made a date. I arranged for the therapist to come and I was patting myself on the back for getting over my hangups and getting what my son needed arranged for him.
But she called the day of and cancelled. She didn't even give any kind of excuse, just something about "We need some down time today." Agh! I had already told DS that the other boy would be coming over to play, not that he seemed to know what I was saying, but still! And I really feel like a TOOL - Like *I* got stood up, too!
I ran into her a couple of days after that and she said we could reschedule, and I was maybe a little too enthusiastic, telling her to call me and let me know what day worked best. "We can't wait to hear from you!" That was a week ago. She hasn't called.
This has brought up all kinds of things that I thought I was kind of over. I'm so sad for DS that he doesn't have any friends. I'm so sad for myself that I don't have any friends locally that I can count on to help with this kind of thing! I'm noticing more and more how different DS is, and what a struggle we face as he reaches school age.
And I'm realizing that I am so ALONE in this! DH isn't involved in the child-rearing, and doesn't care to be. When he's home, he's watching tv and letting DS slip farther and farther into his own world. I'm the one that has to be constantly engaged in Miracle Worker-esque work and therapy and more work... sigh...
The kicker? I got an email from the ABA therapist. She's quitting.
10-12-2009, 06:01 PM
I couldn't read and not post.
Huge :hug:. Your son is so lucky his mama is there to support him.
I hope you get the support *you* need soon.
10-12-2009, 06:02 PM
Oh, I'm so sorry. I hate that you feel so alone. Are there any support groups in your area for families with autism?
Maybe the other mom is just caught up in her own world, not meaning to not call. I think I'd give it one more try.
Hugs to you! :hug5:
10-12-2009, 06:22 PM
Big, big :grouphug: What a crummy series of events to have happen all at once. I'm so sorry the other mom flaked. I sincerely hoped she is involved in her world and isn't being purposefully ugly.
And it sounds like you really, really need some support from people who really *get* it. I think even an online group would be a great start. Is there anything in your area? Can DS's therapist recommend anything before she leaves?
I'd also recommend encouraging DH to get some counseling to deal with his feelings about DS. This is not a diss on single parents at all, but if both parents are physically there, then it is a team sport. Especially with a special needs child.
10-12-2009, 06:22 PM
:hug: I wish I knew someone in your area, but I just don't. Maybe some other mommas on this board are in your area and can help out. Your post tore at my heart. I wish I could reach through cyber space and give you the big pat on your back you need. You are doing so well by your son. :thumbsup: Don't let the other mom bother you. She probably doesn't understand how important this is.
I hope you find another therapist soon. Maybe they will have another suggestion for teaching DS how to play. P&PT coming your way!
10-12-2009, 07:00 PM
Hugs! That sucks about the 'friend' - hopefully mom will come around and you'll get another appointment. I also hope that you can get a new therapist ASAP. Sounds like its time to tell your husband that these are his kids too and remind him you're not the only parent.
10-12-2009, 07:05 PM
I am sorry that you are having some struggles. You may want to contact the Cumberland Co. Partnership for Children. They are the local Smart Start affiliate in Fayetteville(I think that is where you are located). They may have some programs that would offer help or at least steer you in the direction of some programs/support groups. I think their web address is www.ccpfc.org. Hope that helps.
I'm sorry about your situation. Have you heard of this group that is local to you? http://www.fayettevillemommies.com/ I belong to the one in my area and use the online forums. I find it a helpful resource.
10-12-2009, 09:03 PM
So sorry everything went wrong this week. Too bad you aren't in the triangle area, I'd lend you my DS.
Hope things get better for your DS and especially you. Sounds like you are a fabulous mommy and your DS is fortunate to have you advocating for him. Don't forget to take care of yourself, too. Easier said than done, huh?
10-12-2009, 09:06 PM
I am so sorry Amy! I hate flakes like that. Either say yes and come or say no.
I hope you are able to get a great new ABA person and that you can connect with more local mommies.
10-12-2009, 09:31 PM
:hug: I understand how you feel....
You are very much entitled to a bitch over that one. It has always seemed to me like autism is one of the hardest disabilities to have in terms of societal reaction - - people seem to react much more empathetically to physical disabilities and even mental handicaps.
That mom should have been upfront with you. In that position, I would have been happy to volunteer my socially typical child but then I might have had second thoughts that MY dc might misbehave, give into impulses, not control himself or say something rude - - even an easygoing four year old is still a four year old. And that I wouldn't know how to handle it and that it could upset or harm the child with autism. Anyway, not excusing the way she handled it but just pointing out it may have had nothing do with you, your son, discomfort with autism etc.
Are there any developmental centers or preschools that combine kids with physical disabilities and those with autism? Or typical and autistic children? Friends of mine have done both of these with great success.
Sorry about your awful week.
10-12-2009, 10:36 PM
Ugh. I am so sorry. Would your DS qualify for preschool through the school system and then do ABA the other half of the day? That way he would get social time and ABA every day? And you would then be able to meet other parents and maybe even invite the "typical peers" over for some ABA time?
10-13-2009, 12:01 AM
:hug::hug::hug: I hope things start looking up. Please, for your sake and your DS's sake, have a direct dialog with your DH with regards to your feelings regarding his lack of involvement. He really needs to step up to the plate and put effort into his relationship with his son. I struggle with this issue a bit also.
10-13-2009, 12:12 AM
10-13-2009, 12:18 AM
[QUOTE=carolinamama;2500818]So sorry everything went wrong this week. Too bad you aren't in the triangle area, I'd lend you my DS. QUOTE]
I was going to say the same thing. My daughter is 2 days younger, very shy and could be a nice friend too...
I'm sorry you're feeling down and hope the friend calls soon.
I am so sorry. I totally understand how you feel. And I agree with PP that you should talk to your DH about getting more involved with your son. Sending you lots of hugs. :hug:
10-13-2009, 03:38 PM
Y'all, thanks so much for your words of empathy, encouragement and advice. I love the bitching post for just this reason. I get to vent, and I get some great feedback. You all rock.
I went to MOPS today and another acquaintance said she'd let me borrow her son. He's coming over tomorrow. So that's good. And I told her that I was so thankful, and she said, "It's not a big deal. Wouldn't anyone enjoy a playdate?" I swanny, this probably has a lot more to do with my OWN feelings of inadequacy than real worry about DS. I've always been hesitant to host parties, etc, because I worry people wouldn't want to come!
As for DH, sigh... I don't know what to do about him. I am trying so hard to be loving and kind and forgiving of him for all those things that he IS and is NOT. He's never been a very social person himself, and he seems incapable of having or being fun. I had hoped as DS got older, he'd be interested in teaching him sports or whatever, but I think its just so much easier to let him flap his hands in a corner than try to draw him out. I know it's tempting for me some days...
There is a local autism support group, but they meet once a month in the evenings (before DH gets home from work) and the last couple of times I went, I felt almost guilty. Those other moms are dealing with non-verbal, non-potty trained, sometimes violent older kids. I didn't feel like I had it bad enough to continue going!
And I AM BLESSED. DS is not violent, he does speak, he loves being hugged and kissed. He's 100% potty trained for #1 and we are SO CLOSE to 100% for #2. I am blessed.
Thanks again, everyone, for your kind words. Sometimes I have to be so strong and positive for my IRL friends that it helps more than you know to just be able to let it out in a more anonymous way... Thanks again.
10-13-2009, 03:42 PM
I'm so sorry. Just wanted to let you know that getting stood up happens to me and my kids ALL THE TIME. I have lots of playdates cancelled because of sniffles or crabbiness, etc. I think perhaps that the therapist asking for another child to sit in on therapy was asking too much. And, people have busy lives! This time of year is so hectic for a lot of families with the new school year.
But, see if you can still get a playdate that is non therapy based. Also have you considered joining something like a Moms club or moms meet up group? Any BBB moms in your area? Library storytime, that kind of thing? You sound like you need a break too, mama!
10-13-2009, 07:16 PM
Its GREAT you found a replacement for the other child! I hope she keeps her promise and it goes well.
As for the autism support group - I'd keep going. New people are likely to come each month and while the regulars are mostly moms of older kids the new moms are likely to be more like you and are turned off by the group just like you but if you keep going you can start to network and maybe form a support group of your own (even a small one).
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