If you are divorced or have thought about it...

[LBW]

how did you know when you had finally had enough? What got you to the point where you felt as if the financial and emotional hardships of divorce were the best or only option?

If you managed to salvage your relationship, how did you do it? We've tried therapy (joint and individual), but we're worse off now than a year ago.

I feel like I'm in this horrible state of limbo because I cannot figure out how to get out and I also cannot fix what's wrong.

[Moved from Bargain Alert forum b/c I'm having that kind of day and posted in the wrong place.]

[BabyMine]

No advice just :hug:.

[C99]

I could not read this and not respond, although I have not gone through this. I just wanted to offer you a little virtual support at this difficult time.

[mommy111]

PMing you:hug:

[SM23Mama21]

:hug: I could have written this post word for word! I am in the same exact spot right now, so you are not alone. I'll be watching this thread.

[sste]

I don't remember the title but there is a recent book by someone (waites??) out of university of chicago examining divorce. Apparently, in most cases if people ride out the hell for 5-7 years they end up fine. This occurs because alot of the problems that lead to divorce are situational and tend to resolve over time (money problems, stress of extremely young kids, crazy work hours all tend to either improve over time or the partners' coping with them improves).

The one exception is people that are "lonely" within their marriage - - I know the researcher who did this portion of the work and it is not in the book but in forthcoming work. People that feel pervasively lonely in their marriage are not any happier years later (at least not absent intervention) . . . they are just as lonely and unhappy.

I think most marriages reach the point where the thought at least passes through people's heads about divorce. For me, the reason I have not divorced is that I love DH, I can't imagine a person more uniquely suited to me, and in many ways I have never met a person more admirable. Our biggest problems have been over time, stress, in-laws, and balancing children with work . . . but I tend to think those problems will get better as our kids grow and DH become more established and efficient in our professions and over time come across more flexible, lower-commute professional opportunities. So, I am riding it out.

[Cam&Clay]

I got to that point when I realized no matter how poor I'd be, no matter how lonely it would be, no matter what anyone would think of me (including parents, in-laws, friends, DS1's teachers, etc.), I would be a happier person without him. And above all, I knew that DS1 deserved a happy mom.

It was the best decision I ever made. XH and I have done divorce well. We all get along great.

If you need more advice, feel free to PM me. I've been there. It's not easy, but it was most definitely the right decision for me.

[California]

Its hard to be happy and energetic about anything when your most intimate relationship isn't working. Have you tried switching counselors? There are many different schools of thought in therapy and sometimes it takes some time before you find one that works with your personality/views. Three people in my family died within a two year period, including my dad, and I went through some serious grief issues that hurt my marriage. I couldn't figure out why counseling wasn't helping-- then after meeting several counselors found "the one" and things started to improve after that. The counselor who I clicked with, by the way, used the Bowen Family Theory.

[JMS]

I don't remember the title but there is a recent book by someone (waites??) out of university of chicago examining divorce.


Would you mind trying to track down the title of that book? I tried looking on Amazon but struck out. I'd really like to read it. TIA!

[sste]

here you go,

http://www.amazon.com/Case-Marriage-Married-Healthier-Financially/dp/0767906322/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1267211611&sr=8-1

[firsttimemama]

I'm in the boat.. I'm working on it..
I recommend this book - Undefended Love.

[LBW]

I don't remember the title but there is a recent book by someone (waites??) out of university of chicago examining divorce. Apparently, in most cases if people ride out the hell for 5-7 years they end up fine. This occurs because alot of the problems that lead to divorce are situational and tend to resolve over time (money problems, stress of extremely young kids, crazy work hours all tend to either improve over time or the partners' coping with them improves).

The one exception is people that are "lonely" within their marriage - - I know the researcher who did this portion of the work and it is not in the book but in forthcoming work. People that feel pervasively lonely in their marriage are not any happier years later (at least not absent intervention) . . . they are just as lonely and unhappy.

This is so interesting. Unfortunately I fall into both categories. Really stressed over money, kids, life in general as well as feeling very lonely in my marriage. I've often thought that if I was just dealing with the "situational" stressors, I'd be fine. It's the lack of emotional support or even friendship from my spouse that does me in. I feel like I'm invisible in my own home - except when one of the boys needs something from me.

[LBW]

Its hard to be happy and energetic about anything when your most intimate relationship isn't working. Have you tried switching counselors?

We have to pay out of pocket for marriage counseling. We were paying $175/session last spring and summer for a counselor we both clicked with. Unfortunately H never did his part. He never did came through on any of his "homework" and since we couldn't afford to keep paying, I made the decision to stop going.

Individual therapy is covered by our insurance plan, and I've started seeing someone on my own this year. H, on the other hand, hasn't bothered.

I looked into "cheaper" alternatives to therapy for us as a couple and suggested a Retrouvaille weekend to him. However, we'd need childcare for the weekend. Our only option for that is H's mother and he can't be bothered to ask her. Yes, I know I could ask her, but honestly, it's my husband's lack of interest/initiative in making any attempt to fix what's wrong that has caused many of our problems.

[JMS]

Tara,
I just wanted to say that I'm sorry I hijacked your thread and I really hope you get all the support and cyber-hugs your need. Hopefully the wisdom and guidance you need so much is out there.
GL and Hugs.

[LBW]

Tara,
I just wanted to say that I'm sorry I hijacked your thread and I really hope you get all the support and cyber-hugs your need. Hopefully the wisdom and guidance you need so much is out there.
GL and Hugs.

Oh, you totally didn't hijack it! No need to apologize!

[ThreeofUs]

It's the lack of emotional support or even friendship from my spouse that does me in. I feel like I'm invisible in my own home - except when one of the boys needs something from me.


Oh, Tara. I'm so very sorry! :hug::hug:

[Katigre]

I've heard great things about the book "Divorce Busting" and at the very least I'd read it before filing b/c the skills in there will make for a more peaceful, amicable post-divorce relationship too (but it also helps salvage relationships on the rocks).

Divorce Busting amazon link (http://www.amazon.com/Divorce-Busting-Step-Step-Approach/dp/0671797255/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1267213416&sr=8-1)

I know several people whose marriages were helped/saved/improved by the stuff in there - and it only takes one person to do it too, since obviosuly you can't change a spouse.

[sidmand]

Tara,

:hug:

I have no BTDT to share but I wanted to send hugs to you. And strength to do whatever is best for you and your DCs.

You deserve to be happy!!!

Take care.

[Jo]

No bdtd, although I have been in my share of crappy relationships with boyfriends. My first thought is you deserve to be happy. Everyone does.

Years ago, when I was in the midst of one dysfunctional relationship after another, I never would have dreamed that wonderful men exist. But they do.

If your relationship is that bad that you are unhappy all of the time, you owe it to yourself to get out and find happiness. I promise you that it exists. :grouphug:

[jse107]

Just sending you some hugs for what is one of the most difficult decisions you will ever face. You deserve to be happy and with someone who values you and your relationship.

[mmsmom]

I ended my first marriage when I knew I had tried everything I possibly could to make it work. It was several years of trying then literally one morning I woke up and just knew I had done all I could and that was it. I was very at peace with it which made it easy to move on. Thankfully I didn't have kids so when kids are involved I think there is another level of trying to make it work that should occur. But there does come a point when there's nothing left to try and divorce is the right decision

[niccig]

I think everyone's own point of "I am done" is different. Only you can answer when it's enough, and you and your DC would be better served by having separate households.

My parents are divorced and then got back together, and never remarried. They've been together longer as common law spouses than married spouses. That was a rollercoaster ride for my siblings and I, but that's because of how it was handled - there was no discussion or emotional support to help us deal with things. As long as you discuss it with your kids, give emotional support, counseling etc, you kids will be fine.

I don't believe in staying together for the sake of the kids or financial reasons, which is what ILs have done. I do believe that as difficult as it can be to be a single parent, it can be better for everyone than staying married when that marriage is untenable. Again, your point of "I can't do this anymore" will be different than for someone else.

DH and I have discussed marriage and divorce. I think he was surprised that I would go it alone if I had to. Having lived through a divorce, I was 13 at the time, I know it would be very very difficult, but we did it, we survived, Mum got a job, we all pitched in to help at home etc. I know you can come out the other end. I hope I am never in that position, but I'm not scared of going it alone if that is the best option. Again, only you will know, and maybe this is something to discuss in therapy

I'm sorry you're going through this.

[LBW]

It was several years of trying then literally one morning I woke up and just knew I had done all I could and that was it. I was very at peace with it which made it easy to move on.


I always wondered if people had a moment of clarity like this. Maybe that's what I'm waiting for. Either this or for the H to decide to grow up and work on our relationship/family.

[tylersmama]

I wish I had some words of wisdom, but I was on the other end of my divorce...I wasn't the one who wanted out. Sending you lots of :hug: and wishes for strength and clarity. Hang in there.