Anyone want to talk about adoption?

[Melaine]

Anyone considering it currently, done it recently, in the process, etc? The adoption board itself does not seem very active!

I've been thinking about adoption for, literally, years. I actually did a ton of internet research when I was in highschool for my parents who were considering adoption and would have it they felt they could have afforded it. I just fell in love with the concept of it, and DH and I talked about it before we got married. We both have always had it in the back of our minds.

We actually attended a seminar about adoption that we signed up for right before we found out we were pregnant (unplanned).

Now that the girls are over 3, I've been thinking about the fact that I do want our family to be bigger. With my anxiety issues over the last few years, I'm hesitant to get pregnant. I don't want to be pregnant while I am on Prozac (I realize that some Dr.'s say it is ok) and I'm not interested in going off of it right now with my heart palpitations and other symptoms.

I'm just thinking that sometime in the next few years adoption might be perfect for us. Last night I spoke to DH about it and he responded very favorably. I'm not sure if he's as "ready" as I am to get into research or planning, but I figure there is no harm in starting to gather info, right?

I have some IRL friends that I will definitely talk to about this, who have BTDT. And DietCokeLover, if you are reading this, I will be chatting with you for sure. The whole process just seems really daunting....where to start or how to even narrow down any of the options as far as agency, domestic/international, etc.

Anyway, just in the info-gathering/learning stage and starting to pray about this idea for our family. I'd love to hear any input at all. After the abortion thread, I feel even more prompted to pursue this, as it has always been on my heart.

[DietCokeLover]

I have some IRL friends that I will definitely talk to about this, who have BTDT. And DietCokeLover, if you are reading this, I will be chatting with you for sure. The whole process just seems really daunting....where to start or how to even narrow down any of the options as far as agency, domestic/international, etc.

I'm reading! I will help however I can. How exciting! I LOVE adoption! I've thought about it too, but have recently been thinking more about foster parenting. Just need to get DH thinking about it and I think I'd like to let my DC get a little older.

[zoestargrove]

Melaine, I think about it a lot - both adoption and fostering, but I haven't looked into either one yet. Money is the first hurdle I'd have to figure out. I really hope that this post generates a lot of discussion.

Kelly

[BabyMine]

No BTDT advice but I think any child would be so lucky to have you as their mother and be part of your family.

[kmm]

We adopted our daughter in May of 2008 and are in the process for a second adoption. We did a domestic adoption because we wanted the experience of having a newborn. Our daughter has brought us more joy than we ever could have imagined but it has not been an easy journey. Adoption is very expensive and it can be an emotional roller coaster. I would be happy to answer any questions I can for you.

[clc053103]

I think about adoption of an older child in this country quite a bit, as does DH, but we wanted our DS to be a little older-we want him to continue to be the "First Born" so to speak. I am too uncomfortable with the idea of getting pregnant at my age, nor do I really feel a longing for the infant experience.

Will be watching this thread!

[boolady]

We have thought a lot about this if we have a 2nd child.

[dukie41181]

I've thought about it but haven't approached the topic seriously with my husband. I'm gonna be watching the thread!

[jellibeans]

I have friends that have adopted and friends that are waiting to be matched. I think it depends on where you decide to adopt from, domestic or international. Domestic is tough because in the US, every state is different with the amount of time that the birth parents can change their minds. International is tough because you don't know the total history of the baby. I will say that I do agree with my friends that are adopting. They have to biological girls and want a boy. They have decided, though, that since she is able to carry and deliever a baby(but just doesn't want to) they don't want to take an infant away from someone that hasn't had that experience before and/or isn't able to carry and deliever a baby. So they are trying to adopt a boy that is not an infant. Also, there are lots of babies with disabilities and the wait is not as long for them.

[icunurse]

Both of our children were adopted through domestic, open adoption. We are still hoping to adopt again someday. I assist our agency with adoption outreach/education at times and can give you some resources if you want. It's great that you are thinking about it now and wanting to learn more - there is a lot to learn! :) A really basic book is "Adoption for Dummies". Yes, I know that it sounds silly, but it will walk you through various things to consider and really help you to narrow down which type of adoption is right for you. As a PP poster said, adoption is very much worth it in the end, but it is not easy or fun and involves a lot of emotions that most people never have to deal with.

As you get closer to actually following through to adopt, you will find a lot of great books out there for your specific type of adoption (I think I read every one available at the time LOL). No adoption comes without risks and it is good to be aware of and comfortable with them before proceeding with adoption. The way that I personally see it, in adoption, every child arrives with "baggage" - either the reason that they are available for adoption, prenatal exposure/lack of care, loss of their homeland/biological family, etc. The more prepared that you can be for that, the better.

We personally chose domestic adoption because we wanted to have the newborn experience at least once and we wanted to be able to try and have an open adoption so that our children will know their history. We are very lucky to have 2 open adoptions and we really feel that our kids are lucky to have them.

As you can tell, I can go on for pages about this, as it is near and dear to my heart. Feel free to ask questions or PM me. Good luck!!

[kijip]

I have thought about adoption a lot. First because it just appealed to us, then because we had 4 miscarriages after 1 child. And now again because we do think we would like another child. For us it will have to be a bit later on, as my husband is still in school and we want to wait till he is done.

We have only got as far as looking, requesting information and going to an information session. We have looked into a foster adopt program through a service called Amara here. We have also considered the domestic adoption programs of an organization called WACAP. We are thinking domestic adoption because we are not committed to only an infant- an older child would be awesome. I am excited for when we are able to do this, but I am thinking that it is at least 5 years off. For one thing, we have to buy a larger house- all of the programs that we looked at require the adopted child to have their own bedroom.

[Melaine]

No BTDT advice but I think any child would be so lucky to have you as their mother and be part of your family.

Thank you! That is so sweet...:)

Thanks everyone for responding. I'd love to see this thread continue. Thanks for the advice on the book, I will totally get that from the library. I have plenty of time to read right now, so that's a great place to start.

[bigpassport]

OP, I sent you a PM.

Through the process of adopting DS, I learned and truly believe that God had a plan to deliver to each of us the child meant for our families. For most people, its through pregnancy. But for some its through adoption, foster care, or other unexpected situations. Our part in the plan was to pray, listen for promptings, and to take action. For us, the plan to get DS to us was adoption. The other thing I learned about the plan is that it doesn't always look like you think it should.

As to agencies, international vs. domestic, etc. there are obviously many things to consider. Infant or older child? Sibling group? Child of another race? Child with illness? Child exposed to drugs and alcohol (biggie in the U.S.)? What level of openness with the birthmother are you willing or would you like to have? With domestic adoptions, openness is on the upswing. I believe international adoptions are generally closed.

Adoption can be an emotional rollercoaster. With international adoptions, there is a lot of waiting and red tape. With domestic adoptions, there is the potential for fraud and for the birthparents to choose to parent at the last minute. On the other hand, some adoptions go quickly and relatively smoothly. Ours did.

I'm happy to discuss what I know from my experience.

[JustMe]

My daughter is adopted from Guatemala and come home at 11 mos old. She is now 7 (I have to change my signature!). I am currently in the process of trying to adopt a 2-5 year old from US foster care. I think its great you want to adopt, and there are many wonderful things about adoption. I agree with the pp that it can be an emotional roller coaster, and imho, it is not for the faint of heart. Not saying this is you and I know of a few people who have had easy processes, but I know so many people who think that adoption is the "easy" way of adding a child to a family and that is usually not the case. Not trying to discourage you or make presumptions about you, just trying to present both sides of the story.

It is great to see an adoption thread in this section of the forum. I don't post on the adoption section because it does get so little traffic it doesnt feel worth it.

[BillK]

Zach is adopted via domestic open (we were present for his birth) and still communicate with his Birth Mom on a regular basis and Ben is adopted via international (Korea) adoption (he came home at 9mo. old) - we do still have communication with his Foster Mom in Korea also.

Let me know if you have any questions.

[AlbrightRC]

My son is 20 months old and adopted from Ethiopia. He has been home with us for 10 months..I would love to talk adoption.

[sste]

If I have a third child, it will likely be via adoption.

Our close friends just went through international adoption. They had a very tough experience with the process. . . countries shutting down the adoption pipelines when they were midstream through their applications, a so-so agency that they worked with, many referrals for children with disabilities which our friends did not feel up to but found heartbreaking to refuse. However, they ended up with an absolutely darling, bright, loving three year old from India this winter! When I asked them about suggestions for international adoption they suggested applying in a few countries at the same time (in case one shuts down) and they even suggested working with a few agencies at once to increase the odds. I am curious to hear what other posters have to say . . .

[crl]

We adopted DS from China in August 2004. He was 13.5 months old. That process went fairly smoothly for us; I think it took us about 6 months to do the paperwork, we waited 8 months for a referral and then an agnozing nearly 3 months to travel.

DS is a wonderful child and we are so lucky to have him. But children who have spent time in an orphanage often have issues. (And most children coming home from China have been in an orphanage--though some have been in foster care, which varies in quality. Other countries vary.) Many are developmentally behind when they come home. I think a very general rule of thumb is a week of delay for every month spent in an orphanage. DS was not behind--he was walking independantly and talking! That was unusual. But DS is a very anxious child, and developmental delays did come up later. And he was very, very needy for the first year. I actually had a callous on my hip from carrying him so much because he just needed to be that close to me that much. And I laugh when people say I was lucky to miss out on the newborn experience of baby waking every few hours--he didn't sleep through the night for the first year he was home and there were many nights in the early weeks that he woke every 2 hours. And he is still an anxious child--to such an extent that he receives special education services at school. Some of that is likely just personality, but I do believe much of it is because of his early life experiences. I say this not to discourage anyone, but to try to offer some insight. There are lots of good books on attachment in adoption and I would enourage anyone considering international adoption or older child domestic adoption to read some of them.

After DS I seriously thought we were done. He was tough and I didn't see how I could do a second child. But he got older and I reconsidered.

So we began the process for a second child. We started with China. We sent paperwork in October 2006. Still waiting on that--yes over 3 years later we are still in line. When it became apparent that China wasn't happening (not really, not with a wait time that looks like it might be another 5 years or more from now), we started a process to adopt from Mongolia. After I had all our paperwork together, including approval from the USCIS (United States Citizenship and Immigration Service--formerly known as the INS), Mongolia changed its policies and you can no longer adopt from Mongolia if you have adopted from any other country. So we were no longer eligible. We then began pursuing an adoption from Kyrgyzstan. Then they essentially closed their program indefinitely.

We then decided to pursue a domestic adoption. We have been matched with an expectant mother due April 1. Under California law birth mothers sign the reliquishment paperwork post-partum after being discharged from the hospital. So we'll see whether or not she goes through with the placement.

I think research is a really important first step. And I'd encourage people to think about what is important to them: ethical considerations (money from adoptive parents fueling inappropriate adoption practices is not unheard of)? a newborn? a child who looks like them (or at least close enough not to get rude questions from strangers)? not having to travel (potentially multiple times)? minimizing risk of special needs? minimizing risk of disruption? There are lots of things to think about. Then you also need to think about what programs you are eligible for. Some countries have weight limits for prospective adoptive parents. Some countries have minimum requirements for length of marriage. Some countries won't place with people who have been treated for mental illness (to include depression). And so on.

Wow that got long-winded. I guess my summary is that adoption is often wonderful, but also sometimes difficult and not for everyone.

I'd be happy to try to answer questions, just let me know.

Catherine

[jse107]

Although DH and I are done at two, I think adoption is amazing! If we were ever to change our minds, this is clearly the way I would want to add to our family.

Reading PPs stories just solidifies that. You are all amazing people and parents.

[MelissaTC]

We are in the process of adopting from China. We have been currently waiting for our referral for 3 years. We both felt led to China and will wait for how ever long it takes.

[sidmand]

I actually came to these boards in the first place because of the adoption forum. They were hard to come by!

Our experience was a little different than most and the best thing I can offer as advice it to be prepared for the unexpected and be prepared to take a roller coaster of a ride, whether it be good or bad.

We wanted a child but weren't concerned about having a biological child. In fact, we figured we had a lot of traits we didn't want to pass on to a biological child! So adoption was our first choice and we had never attempted to become pregnant.

We started in 2003 but slowly. Like others had mentioned, we wanted the *newborn experience* at least once and liked the idea of open adoption and found a domestic adoption agency we liked. Our state is an agency state so everything has to go through an adoption agency (some states the same functions can be done by a private attorney). We were matched three times and three times the adoption fell through. It was very very hard. The first time we had met with the birth mother, her mother (the birth grandmother), and her social worker at a restaurant. The second time was a miscommunication and the third time was all via phone and a long and drawn out story...

At that point I couldn't take the emotional ups and downs (our agency actually refunded us 1/2 the money so although they did not come out and admit fault, that was very rare to do!) and we were in the process of switching to an international adoption agency. After doing a lot of research, Guatemala sounded like a very good fit.

I asked DH if I could find a doctor that would okay my getting pregnant (since that was still an option and it seemed as though adoption was NOT the way we were supposed to create our family) if he would be onboard. It was a high risk pregnancy and the doctor told me it was doable but...after speaking with him I decided adoption was our best recourse. It turned out I was pregnant already with DS.

When we were looking to have a second child we again met with the adoption agency, and at the time, they believed Guatemala was about to be shut down and any money we put toward a Guatemalan adoption would be lost if that were to happen. And the other countries we had been looking at had drastically changed their rules (which hadn't changed in years!) so we probably would not qualify (BMI had to be a certain number and my Type 2 diabetes would most likely make us ineligible to adopt). Some of the other countries we were interested in had regulations about proving infertility (couldn't do that), or both being the same religion and/or Catholic (also couldn't do that) and in the end we figured we still had the option of trying to get pregnant and lo and behold, DD.

I was very frustrated because I really really wanted to adopt! And I couldn't understand why we couldn't do it but it does seem that my family was meant to happen a different way.

I have a friend who adopted two children from an agency that didn't normally handle adoptions. And both happened in weeks. The second time they had literally just been thinking about it and had to scramble to get a book together to show!

I'd say just be prepared for an emotional ride.

[rlmomto5]

We have two children adopted from Guatemala. My son came home when he was 7 months old, and my daughter came home at 18 months. They are both 7 (5 mos. apart) We also have 3 biological children who are 20, 17, and 16. If you have any questions...please feel free to PM me. I would love to talk to you about adoption.

Renee

[Indianamom2]

I think at this point in my life that if we wanted another child I would consider adoption of a non-infant. I personally don't feel the need to do the whole infant thing again and there are so many older kids who need adopting just as much.

Dh has always had a hard time with adopting. Not because he's against it, but because he's a really sensitive guy and he legitimately worries that he might not feel the same level of love for a child that is not biologically his. I really don't worry about that, but I can understand his concern.

We probably won't adopt, but I would, if that makes sense.

FWIW, I have two adopted cousins (two different families represented). One was domestically adopted as a baby, the other was adopted as a toddler from Vietnam. It's interesting how different the process and months after the adoption were.

[stillplayswithbarbies]

We just completed an adoption of our baby from Taiwan last April. It was a long and arduous process. The saying goes "international adoption is not for the faint of heart" and that is so true.

I don't have a lot of information about domestic adoption because we decided early on that it was not for us. I have intended to adopt from China since I was a little girl, and when we started this journey, I researched all adoption just to be sure I was doing the right thing. We decided on Taiwan after much research and I am happy with the process and the results.

If you want to research international adoption, start here to see what countries you qualify for and get the real info on the rules, written and unwritten

http://www.creatingafamily.com/index.php?content=adoption/charts

Once you have a list of countries that you qualify for, narrow it down those that fit your criteria such as length of travel required, cost, age of children available, time it takes to complete an adoption, whether you feel an affinity for that culture so that you can make it part of your family, how much risk you are willing to take that a program might shut down before your adoption is complete, whether they allow you to select gender, cost, whether they allow people who take regular medication, etc.

Then go here to research agencies that work with the country you have chosen (because by the time you get through that process you will be left with just one or two on your list).

http://groups.yahoo.com/group/Adoption_Agency_Research

start reading that group now. It's a good way to keep in touch with the most up to date information about the stability of the various country programs.

There is a similar group for domestic adoption agencies. Whichever way you go, I strongly suggest using those groups to find out about the agency you choose. There are so many unethical agencies and some are downright criminal.

The adoption forum at http://www.mothering.com is very useful for learning about adoption. It skews towards foster to adopt, but other options are represented there too. An afternoon reading the posts there will teach you a lot about adoption and the ethics involved as well as what can go wrong, and the wonderful things about adoption too.

Good luck in whichever way you decide. Adoption has been one of the best things I have done in my life. I have learned so much about so many things, and I have a wonderful baby girl who is a total delight. She came home to us at the age of six months after an 18 month process from the day we signed the contracts with the agency. Unfortunately, fast processes like that are almost unheard of now since things have changed so much in international adoption in the past year.

If you want information about adoptive breastfeeding, let me know and I can talk about that and send you resources. I have been breastfeeding her since just after we came home and she is now 17 months old and still going strong.

[Melaine]

:signthankspin:

Thank you everyone! I really appreciate all the specific details and advice. Karen, if I ever end up adopting an infant, you better believe I will be talking to you, because I would just love to BF. I'll be reading over all these posts and I'm sure I will have questions. For now, I think I'm going to check out the Adoption for Dummies book and spend some time thinking about it and praying. I love all the experience here!

Anymore stories are welcome, I know that I am not the only one enjoying reading these.

[Pepper]

Hi Melanie,

Sorry that I didn't see your post earlier. I'm an adoptive mommy to my son from Korea, age almost 4, born with cleft lip & palate. (He was not a "waiting child" b/c we had checked off CL/P as one of the medical conditions that we'd accept in a referral. And my the way, few experiences are wierder than filling out the form in which you say which medical conditions that you'd accept!).

Anyway, I have 2 thoughts for you. One is to consider that you might get a "sibling call" after you've adopted. I knew of a couple of families that adopted from Korea and got sibling calls, but I didn't really expect it to happen. It did. We are currently waiting for paperwork to pass through both governements for so we can bring Little Brother home. IN the end it was the right decision for our family, but boy was I SUPRISED to find myself "virtually pregnant" at the age of 42 :-)

My other thought/recommendation is a book I read called "Two Little Girs," by Theresa Reid. It's an amazing story of the extremes that one couple went through to complete their family.

Gotta run - little boy needs his nedtime! But PM me if you have questions, as other posters have said.

[AnnieW625]

Just want to wish you good luck. DH and I talked about it a little before we started TTC with DD. Infertility/miscarriage issues run on both sides of my family and so I wanted to make sure that we both understood our options if I could not have a child of my own. I told him that if it came down to anything more than say using a drug like clomid that I would much rather avoid injections, and IVF and adopt. He said that he would honor my wishes are far as that went. Needless to say we never had to go that route, but I was really glad we had the talk early on about it.

[icunurse]

if I could not have a child of my own.

This is meant respectfully, since it is a thread asking for knowledge/info and because most people don't take certain terms into consideration....

My children ARE my own. They are my real children. They are really brother and sister. Their birthparents didn't give them up - they made a plan for them to be adopted.

I know that to many it is semantics, but to most people who adopt, this is how *we* word things and how we want our kids to hear things.

Check this out for more examples, from Adoptive Families magazine (great magazine, BTW)
http://www.adoptivefamilies.com/pdf/PositiveLanguage.pdf

[kmkaull]

[QUOTE=stillplayswithbarbies;2646165] The saying goes "international adoption is not for the faint of heart" and that is so true.

QUOTE]

I'd say adoption period is not for the faint of heart.

We adopted our son last summer--domestic newborn adoption. We have a very open adoption with the birth family. In fact, we're now quite close with his birth grandmother. It has been an amazing journey.

My best advice to those considering adoption is to do a lot of research. Adoption for Dummies is a good book to start off with. Also, talk to friends who have adopted recently. We found our agency through a referral from a friend. Also, be prepared for all that adoption entails--financial security, and a home study process that can be quite invasive and time-consuming. At times, the process is gut-wrenching and stressful. The waiting period is enough to make a weaker cookie crumble. ;-)

It is an amazing process, however. We truly cannot believe how lucky we are to have our incredible son.

[Corie]

Here is a thread about international adoption.

http://www.windsorpeak.com/vbulletin/showthread.php?t=327530&highlight=adoption

[sadie427]

We adopted DS2 as an infant about a year ago, it's a domestic open adoption. We overall had a smooth process (only waited 6 months from the time our paperwork was final) and he's doing great. We used the agency Katie mentioned above, WACAP, and were eligible for a grant and a no-interest loan as well as the tax credit, which were all helpful. Happy to answer any questions you have in the future.

[lalasmama]

We're in a foster-adopt situation, more or less. I will start out by saying that I have become a Christian in the time I was trying to bring Lala home, so it colors a lot of our story. Sorry if that bothers anyone, it is not my intent!

XH (DH at the time) and I were having issues and were seperated back in 2004. My brother and one of his druggy friends got pregnant unexpectedly. Along comes Lala. Unbeknownst (sp?) to me, Lala's mom (my brother's druggy friend) said that if Lala was to be taken from her home, she wanted me to have her. However, at this point, I was seperated from DH/XH, working 50+ hours a week, financially careless, emotionally wrecked, and, to top it off, I was a know-it-all that acted like a teenager instead of a 25-year-old woman. I told the caseworker that, like any parent, *I* would be the one to decide who took care of "my" child, and that the caseworker wouldn't have any say once the child was in my home. BIG MISTAKE! (DUH!) They said "nope" to me taking Lala, and she remained in foster care for several more months, however, I did have monthly visits with her during that time.

At 15 months, her first mom got to take her home. This is when Lala and I started really bonding. Her mom would pass her off to me when she wanted "a break". Afternoons became day visits, day visits became slumber parties, slumber parties transitioned into weekends, weekends turned into 4-5 day stretches.

As Lala turned 3 years old, her life changed. I had a heck of a time in my life--my mom died, DH became XH, family moved away. Lala's birthmom had a new boyfriend who was a less-than-great guy, and her mother had multiple Stage 4 cancers. The police got a report about Lala's mother's boyfriend and home, and removed Lala from the home. DHS didn't know that I had been caring for her up until my mom's death 3 weeks before, so they didn't know to call me and have me get her. Consequently, Lala went into a foster home.

Once she came into foster care, I had to become a foster parent to bring her into my house. In my personal life, I became a Christian. As soon as I became a Christian, doors opened left and right. My financial situation settled nicely. I found a house owned by my church, and it cut my rent in half. Work was hiring me full-time instead of part time. I was seeing the bright light at the end of my depression. My car was paid off unexpectedly by a family friend. My brother came clean with some information I didn't have before (the reasons he couldn't take Lala), so that when the caseworker said "would you allow XX or YY unsupervised access to Lala?" I was able to answer truthfully that there was no way I would allow it until DHS gave the green light.

Lala was in my home 2 days after I became a foster parent. That was 2 years, 8 months, and 20 days ago (give or take a day!). She's since become my permanent foster child, and we are in guardianship negotiations. I can't actually "adopt" her, as her birth parents' rights aren't revoked. Sadly, this is one of the downsides to foster-adopt. Sometimes there just isn't "enough" to terminate a parent's rights, so the family is left in a limbo. Admittedly, though, its a rare situation that we are in regarding the inability to fully adopt her. When the guardianship goes through, it will be like I was always her parent, except on her birth certificate.

Its a roller coaster that I have thought about getting off of multiple times. Delayed court dates, hassles with bioparents... and then Lala looks up at me, grabs my hand, and says "Mommy, I love you more than any number! You are the best mommy!" and I get all teary, and think, even with the issues, even with the ridiculous requests her bio-mom makes, Lala is what this all about, and she's worth all the trouble in the world :)

FWIW, I was a foster-adopt for my parents too, and the date my adoption was finalized should be the same date, 30 years later, that Lala's guardianship is finalized. I actually worry that I won't love a biological child as much as I love Lala, after all she and I have been through in the last 6 years! :)