Do you feel settled?

[arivecchi]

Are you settled in your life (house, city, job, family life, etc.) I still feel like things are so in flux and I am 36! I thought I would be settled by now. How about you?

[crl]

Nope. And I'm this.close to 40. I really wanted to be and thought I would be settled by now, but it hasn't worked out that way.

Catherine

[mecawa]

I go back and forth.

Right after DD1 was born 6 yrs. ago, I felt so settled and content. Then DH's work took him out of state and brought a potential huge move for us. I didn't feel settled anymore because I was constantly waiting for the house to sell, to find the right neighborhood, to wait for the company to move us etc. After 3 yrs. of living apart he is back working here and we ended up not moving, but now I feel like I hate my neighborhood (had a level 3 move in not too far from us, and I have 2 little girls) so now I am looking to leave but because of the economy I don't feel like I can, so I feel like I'm waiting again, ykwim?? I feel more settled then I did 3 years ago but not as settled as I did 6 yrs. ago. I'm one of those people who is a planner and when I can't plan I think I start to feel not settled because I can't plan for the future. I don't like that up in the air feeling I guess.

[DietCokeLover]

[QUOTE=crl;2659290]Nope. And I'm this.close to 40. I really wanted to be and thought I would be settled by now, but it hasn't worked out that way./QUOTE]

This is so me.

[ncat]

No. Rapidly approaching 40 and still not settled as far as my home, my community, and my career.

[pinkmomagain]

Yes, for the most part I feel very settled in to where we are for the next 12 years or so (and we've already been here for 10).

The only thing I don't feel settled in is what I want to "do" with the rest of my life in terms of personal growth (may be a career, may not be). That's OK, though. I'm hoping to start to focus more on that once my youngest starts Kindy in the fall.

eta: I'll be 43 soon.

[kijip]

Yes. We live in a community that even though we might like to live elsewhere in the country, we are strongly tied to the city family and friend wise. Also, I moved a lot as a child and decided I would not do that to my kids unless I HAD to. So unless there were suddenly no jobs in our field here, we are here to stay for the long haul. We own a house that we are comfortable living in and could still afford even if our income decreased dramatically. We each work in fields where there are generally positions available in our area (healthcare and non-profit management) and that are unlikely to go away. I don't feel like a lot is in-flux but I don't feel bored either- there is lots to do, we have fun, we have plans for the future etc. For me it is a good place. I turn 30 later this year.

[JTsMom]

Kind of. It's hard to feel 100% settled b/c we've had so many unexpected moves recently that I don't want to totally let my guard down, especially until the economy rebounds a bit. The baby on the way has been wanted for a long time, so that part feels good. We love our house, although we have a lot of projects to do. DH really likes his job, although we're hoping for growth over the years.

[scrooks]

Nope...thought we were getting there and we found out about 3 months ago that my DH's company is moving in 2011-2012 out of state...we don't have any clue what we are doing. We've stopped all plans for home improvements and mentally it's just harder for me to think ahead.

[mommylamb]

In some ways yes and in some ways no. I've been in the DC area for 9 years now, and in my current job for over 4 years with no plans to leave. We've been in our house for nearly 4 years, and we couldn't move if we wanted to because the value has gone down so much since we bought it.

The one area where I don't feel settled is that I'd like to have a second child. We haven't started trying yet though because we're just worried about the extra $$ to put a second child in daycare, so we might end up spacing the kids more than we would otherwise want. So, I'm not so settled in that I feel like my family isn't complete yet. I'm 34 now, so I still have a more time, but not a lot more. And DH is 42, so he'd rather do it sooner than later.

[Joolsplus2]

Kinda. DH changes jobs a lot and we don't have enough savings. I don't feel like I want to live in this house 'forever', but it's good for when the kids are in school, I guess...at least till the value goes back up above what we owe on it. Sigh. I feel like I need a career, but am putting off taking steps to get one (maybe when Leah's in school, then it's easier, right?)

[momof2girls]

Yes, I am pretty content with the life we have. I am 35 and have been in our house for 10 yrs so we are comfortable. I am where I thought I'd be at this point in life (done with kids and SAH). However, I am open to change if any change should occur (moving, change of DH job, etc).

[smiles33]

Yes, I do and I'm surprised it's happened so soon. We bought our home 5 years ago with the plan that this is our forever home unless there's some major disaster (like an earthquake) or crime goes up and makes it unsafe. Otherwise there's no reason to move as we love our home and DH's business is 5 minutes away. We don't anticipate ever moving his business either unless there are those same unexpected factors that would cause us to move.

As for me, I've been at my job for over 6 years now and don't know whether I'll be here in 15 years (at which point my kids would get 1/2 the cost of a private university tuition to se anywhere for free!). But that's a great incentive to try and stay. I still love my job, but 20 years here sounds crazy to me right now.

Finally, we have 2 kids, and DH wants to be done but I'm still longing for a third. We'll see who prevails. :loveeyes:

Thus, by traditional measures, I think I feel very settled.

[ThreeofUs]

Chained but unsettled here. (Just joking, I think!)

Seriously, everything is in flux all the time for me. I'm really bad about feeling "settled" - as soon as I feel like I've reached even the most comfortable plateau, I go looking for other challenges.

Now, I'm a mom of two little guys and I have to get them raised into school before I can get back to a work life. So I have at least another 3 years in daily "only constant is change" SAHMom'ing -- and then I get to enter another phase of change and growth.

I'd like to keep this house but move it to a better school district. And get someone else to finish renovating the baths, kitchen, and lead paint, lol. So I suppose that means I need to find a new house and move sometime in the next 5-10 years, too. And it will take me that long to get this house ready to go.

With all that flying through my head, I can't imagine being settled!

[niccig]

Settled in house and DS's school. We always thought we would move and DH telecommute for work. Then the economy crashes, DH's company lays off telecommuters, and we couldn't sell our house becuase the value is down. We did find a school that we just love for DS through elementary years at least, if not all the way through high school. So, we want to stay here. We do like our house, and now that we have no plans to move, we will make the changes we want to the kitchen - eventually.

I'm not settled with work, I need to figure out what I am doing with that. I've been SAHM for 5 years, and am looking at going back to something. DH's work is no longer settled. There were never lay-offs in his industry, and it's happening every 6 months now. We've increased emergency savings to deal with that if it happens.

[LexyLou]

Not settled at all and I'm rather rattled about it. If you asked me this question 5 years ago I would have said, yes 100% settled, but then my DH got transfered cross country and then back cross country and now nothing is settled and DH is working 7 days a week until 10 pm or later and when he's not working he's traveling and he doesn't get overtime pay or decent bonuses.

Life kinda stinks right now. Looking for that light at the end of the tunnel.

[cvanbrunt]

Yes. It is a really nice feeling, too. We both have great jobs we like and I have tenure. That gives us an incredibly secure feeling. We love our home and neighborhood and the girls are growing up nicely. All in all, we are in a pretty good spot in our lives.

[maestramommy]

Well, considering we bought our first house less than two years ago, and nothing is on the walls or windows, no. Not as far as that goes. But we're settled as far as calling this our home, and the current situation our life.

[Karinyc]

Absolutely not...and I'm knocking at 40's door. Ends up being a great source of stress (for both my DH & I).

[LarsMal]

Do I really need to answer?!? um....NO!

[jgenie]

Yes, I'm 38 and feel very settled. DS2 arrived safely after an anxiety filled pregnancy and I am so thankful every time I see him. DS1 is adjusting well to life w/ DS2. DH is settling in at his new job and is enjoying it. We're finally almost done w/ renovations on the house - hoping to put in a new deck and a swing set this summer and then we'll be done. We have a great support system even though we don't have any family nearby which is such a relief given DH's work commitments.

[elektra]

Yes, pretty settled here. Jobs, kids, house. But then again you never really know what the future holds. And there is something I have always wanted to do in life and I am still not 100% sure if it's just a dream or something that could be a reality, so I'm leaving it open to the universe and I'll just keep my eyes open for opportunities and see what happens.
Several weeks ago there was the possibility of a job up in Santa Barbara where we used to live. I looked into some really basic things in regards to what it might mean if we moved up there and it actually might have been doable but we decided not to really pursue it seriously. I need to stick close by my parents for now too because my mom is not well and my dad needs my support. He also helps me out quite a bit too so our close proximity to them is something that would keep us from "unsettling" ourselves.

[lmh2402]

not settled at all.

house hunting like mad. will be major move out of the city and to the suburbs. first time ever in my life that i will be living in a suburb.

i'm moving away from family support. not terribly far - like 40ish minutes. but that's compared right now to having my sister and brother literally 3 blocks from me. my mom & dad about 15 min by car. and my other brother 2 stops on the subway.

we're planning a move so we'll have more space to try for another kid. so not settled in that department either.

career and finance-wise, since the housing bubble, our lives have been upside down and inside out.

DH worked in CMBS loans for a big bank on wall street. got laid off in '07. out of work for 9 months. hunted down a job in a small law firm but the firm was dedicated to commerical bank loans too...guess what, they lost clients and 9 months later, DH and two others were out of work again

somehow, he managed to get a sense of what was coming. and found another job that started literally one week after the law firm job ended.

so we've been holding things together on a wing and a prayer and in the scheme of things and by national standards, we're still doing really well financially. but it's been a scary ride for both of us...

we had "assumed" we were on our path for how life was going to be - DH would make "X,"...I would make "Y"...and we would just continue moving our careers along and all would be hunky, dunky and dorey.

not. so. much.

anyway, no...we are not settled. in the least.

ETA: I'm 34 and DH is 39...eek!

[mommyp]

In some areas yes, others no. We moved a lot in the last 12 years so it's nice to have bought a house and plan to stay here! We'd still like another kid. DH's job is secure, and I'm part-time now and will have to decide how I want to pursue it. I'll definitely continue working, but I don't necessarily feel settled about it. I'm almost 35.

[Indianamom2]

Yes and no. I generally feel settled in this area, but Dh would really like to find a different job, perhaps even a different career path altogether, and that might mean moving, though within state. We have both long talked about moving closer to his family (about 2 hours from us in the same state).

If the right job opportunity arose, especially closer to the in-laws, we'd probably move and be quite unsettled for a while....particularly because any other career/job that Dh chooses will mean lower pay.

[rprav8r]

Yes and no.

Yes, because we are in the perfect neighborhood for having kids. We live in my hometown, I love this town, and always want to live here. My parents live nearby. We're in a great neighborhood, near good schools, neighbors all have kids around our kids' ages, we've got sidewalks and parks and trees, and it's awesome. DH owns his own business, and it's very local - it would take him a lot of time to get re-established in another city.

No, because I am looking forward to someday living in the actual city part of my city, within walking distance to dining/shopping/entertainment/etc, and maybe having a little country house in the mountains. It's still a long time till DD goes off to college, but we're saving up! We love our house, but post-kids, it will be time to move on to something else. We'd really like to buy a condo for a rental property once we don't have the day care payment, and sell our house and live in the condo when the kids are grown. So now we're scheming and dreaming for when the kids have grown up - we'll definitely be starting a new phase of our lives!

[Jo]

No. Moved from NYC to WV in 2003. From WV to Tulsa 2006. I try to put down roots, plant trees and gardens, but DH's jobs keep moving him. We might have to move again soon.

[army_mom]

nope. I always picture myself being "settled" when we both get out of the Army and buy a home and not rent homes and have to move every few years. After reading PP responses, maybe it still won't be then! Only time will tell...

[vludmilla]

Nope. Trying to buy a house in a very non buyer's market area and it is super frustrating. Trying to finish a dissertation that I really don't want to work on but do want to finish. Feeling the pressure to have a second child but not wanting to until we have a house and my phd.

[lalasmama]

Last week I would have said I was on my way to be settled....

However, the answer changed today as I became a full-on single mom again (SO left), so it feels like life is in shambles....

[jenfromnj]

Some days I feel more settled than others, but generally, not so much. I love the town we live in, and our home works for now, but it's not our forever house, so we're hoping to be moving within town sometime in the next 5-7 years.

Professionally, I put my career on hold when DS was born (not the best career move, especially in my line of work), and I am recently feeling a real lack of direction in that sense. I sometimes feel that I still don't know what I want to be when I grow up, at age 32 and having spent most of my life in school to become a lawyer--but I am 90% sure it's not law.

As far as DH, our relationship went through a huge adjustment when DS was born, and we're still trying to reach a new long-term equilibrium.

My mom was also recently diagnosed with a very serious illness, which has only made things more stressful and chaotic.

[bigpassport]

I guess I've never thought about being "settled." Does that mean settled in the house and jobs we'll live in for the rest of our lives? I don't know if that's what I want. I'm ok with DH's job, I'm ok with my job, I'm ok with one child, I'm ok with our house (I'd be incredibly ungrateful if I weren't ok with what I have). But sure I'd like more. I would like DH to make more money, I would like to be a FT SAHM, I'd like another child, and I'd like to get un-upside down on this house (I hear ya, Mommylamb!). But even if we had all that, I would still probably want more or different or change from time to time.

[jent]

Yes and no. We go back & forth between whether we like our jobs & the area we live in. There are many reasons for us to change, but to be honest, the stress of searching for new jobs and a new home is outweighing how comfortable we are here. So, we have a vague sense that we'd like to move & each find different jobs, but keep putting off actually doing the job search.

[hopeful_mama]

I feel temporarily settled, if that makes sense. Things are good now, we have a 5 month old and a house we like in an area we like, and DH has an integral position at a big bank, though we haven't seen the income advance as well as expected, but just holding onto a job in this economy is good.

So we're pretty happy with where we are for right now, but, we want another child or two, and the house isn't big enough for an extra child, and the income isn't big enough for the bigger house (or for the help around the house I'd need to have the extra child, due to health issues). And we can't put off another kid too long as I'm 36. Also one day I'd like to figure out something of a career that would be fulfilling yet feasible part time (again due to my health); that's way down the road but it would still be a big change.

I feel very settled in this area, though DH sometimes talks about moving; and most of the rest seems planned out in a realistic fashion, which also lends itself to a settled feeling. But who can say what the future holds.

[bubbaray]

However, the answer changed today as I became a full-on single mom again (SO left), so it feels like life is in shambles....


I'm so sorry. :grouphug:

[sste]

Lalasmom, sorry to hear this news. :(

I am not settled. I am not sure its in my nature not to be striving for something I don't have - - even if I have to create the problem in order to strive to correct it! An annoying quality. I AM very happily settled in my job, DH is very happily settled in his job, I am very settled in the sense of being in love with DH though I think we are still adjusting to the stresses of two woth parents. I don't feel very settled geographically - - we may consider moving in the next 5 years. Which would probably unsettle both jobs and marriage though correct the geography issue. Oh well.

[AnnieW625]

Lalasmom so sorry for your loss.

Yes I feel like we are settled. I have been with the same employer for over 10 years (started working for them when I was in college) and DH has been with his same employer for 5 yrs. We have secure jobs and both DH and I are pretty high on the seniority list so that makes us feel comfortable. We have friends and some extended family here and that helps out a lot, and we love DD's daycare and DD loves her preschool. The most unsettling part of our lives revolves around our house as we bought in 2005 and we are essentially stuck in our house until the market improves. We are also somewhat unsettled about DD's education, but we both know that will work itself out in the next year before she starts kindergarten.

[niccig]

Lalasmom, I'm sorry about your news. :grouphug:

[liamsmom]

Lalasmom I'm sorry to hear about your loss. I hope things get better. :hug:

I feel unsettled too. Right now I'm on the "5 year plan," and hopefully by the end of that time, we'll have a second DC, I'll be done with school and have the job of my dreams, and DH will have quit his awful job and have found something he really likes. And we'll be active in the community and/or move to some place we love. And the house will be clean. :hysterical:

But really, life doesn't always go the way we thought it would. I remember talking with my friends when I was in my 20s about where we wanted to be in life and whether or not we were "on track." Does the feeling ever end?

[salsah]

Last week I would have said I was on my way to be settled....

However, the answer changed today as I became a full-on single mom again (SO left), so it feels like life is in shambles....

so sorry.:grouphug:

[MontrealMum]

Lalasmom, so sorry to hear your news :hug:

To the OP, nope, I don't feel settled yet either and I'll be 39 very soon. I went back to school a few years ago as a targeted career move that was supposed to help with that - the being settled. Had a planned pregnancy while in school since we'd been in "wait-and-see" mode for so long and thought the new degree was as close to a sure thing as you could get. Then the economy tanked the year I was graduating. Granted, we are luckier than many others, but we are nowhere near the "settled" we thought we'd be at this point, and this has put a huge damper on plans that were already in motion.

What really highlights how "unsettled" we are is looking at our parents and where they were at out ages. Yowza!

[salsah]

i don't feel settled and i'm not sure i ever will. i don't think it is necessarily a bad thing. i just feel that there will always be change.

[WatchingThemGrow]

Last week I would have said I was on my way to be settled....

:hug:So sorry to hear this. Lean on us to help you put things back together, mama.

As far as being settled, I do feel it with our # of DC (he's not yet, I AM!), my SAHM career, our location, our schools district, DH's job (although it may change), etc. One thing that makes us slightly unsettled is that we've kinda out grown our house and could stand to move. Buying larger in this district will take a LOT more $$ or a lot of renovation, so we try to convince ourselves we're settled for a while. I'm a few months from 40.

You know, though, the thing that gives me peace about these things is reading the bible, knowing that God will take care of me because he has a plan (http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Jeremiah+29:11&version=NIV) for me.:D Matthew 6:31 So do not worry, saying, 'What shall we eat?' or 'What shall we drink?' or 'What shall we wear?' 32For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. 33But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. 34Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.

Sorry if that sounds preachy, but it really does calm my heart and make me feel some peace about whatever "situation" I find myself in. I don't know if we're ever supposed to feel "settled" IYKWIM.

[mecawa]

:hug:So sorry to hear this. Lean on us to help you put things back together, mama.

As far as being settled, I do feel it with our # of DC (he's not yet, I AM!), my SAHM career, our location, our schools district, DH's job (although it may change), etc. One thing that makes us slightly unsettled is that we've kinda out grown our house and could stand to move. Buying larger in this district will take a LOT more $$ or a lot of renovation, so we try to convince ourselves we're settled for a while. I'm a few months from 40.

You know, though, the thing that gives me peace about these things is reading the bible, knowing that God will take care of me because he has a plan (http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Jeremiah+29:11&version=NIV) for me.:D Matthew 6:31 So do not worry, saying, 'What shall we eat?' or 'What shall we drink?' or 'What shall we wear?' 32For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. 33But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. 34Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.

Sorry if that sounds preachy, but it really does calm my heart and make me feel some peace about whatever "situation" I find myself in. I don't know if we're ever supposed to feel "settled" IYKWIM.

I like that, it's a really nice way of looking at it.

[sunshine873]

So sorry to hear your news, Lalasmom. :grouphug:

I guess I'm super-content, and that alone makes me feel settled. It's kind of comical, because DH is in the military. I can't image that we'd chose to stay here after he retires, so I know there is at least one (probably more) moves in our future. Maybe that helps me feel settled. I wouldn't want to stay in this house forever, but for now it's great. I'm a SAHM and it would be nice to have a career again someday, but that's for later (maybe once DD starts school.) Right now, DH & I have a good relationship, live in a nice neighborhood, have 2 great dogs and we're really enjoying our lives with DD.

I've always been an enjoy where you are now kind of person, and I think that helps me to feel settled, even though I know things will change at some point in the future.

[jjjo1112]

I feel settled with my family, DH and kids and the community we live in. However I do not feel settled in my house (way too small-waiting for the market to recover before we can move) and I do not feel settled in my job and I don't feel settled financially. I'm relatively young and hope to feel more settled in the next 10 years or so.

[egoldber]

That's a good question. I guess the answer is no, but I don't know why.

We have now lived here almost 9 years, longer than we've lived anywhere, but it still doesn't really feel like home, although I don't know where home is. No way would we ever move closer to either set of parents. Not in the cards at all.

In theory this area has everything we want: lots of jobs for DH, lots of jobs for me, good schools, great things to do. And yet every time DH gets a job lead in another part of the country we perk up and start looking at houses and getting a bit of wanderlust. But yet the thought of having to start all over in another part of the country also sounds really exhausting.

So I dunno. Our lives would be easier if we could just decide that yes, this where we are planning to be for the next phase of our lives. If we stay here "forever", I'd like to move to a different area, but at the same time I do like our neighborhood and it is very convenient for many things.

[momtoonegirl]

I just feel as if our family is in the current mode of "settling" rather than being completely settled. I am 39 and DH is 40.

I believe that DH and I both feel as if our family will be complete with 2 DC's. How we will divide our time between work and childcare with both of us WOTH FT and no family in the nearby state or region of country is our biggest challenge. As long as we are both committed to it, we will make it work somehow.

We both are in stable jobs that we should be able to hold for the long run, so after years of having a commuter marriage and moving cross country for our careers, I believe that this aspect of our lives is the most stable. It enables us some financial security, and we do not have to move from the area that we currently live. DH and I both enjoy where we live, the education system, and the cultural diversity that comes with the area. We also like our home, even though that is still a work in progress.

We are still settling in our home, even though it has been 4 years since we have moved in. DH would like to get a gardner to help with the outdoor maintenance. I would like to get some help cleaning (and possibly rearranging) the inside for the arrival of DC#2. Unfortunately, I haven't taken many days off work until right before my due date to save vacation/off time just in case I need time off for bed rest, etc.

So with time, hopefully, we can finally feel "settled".

[arivecchi]

Glad to hear I am not the only one that is not settled. I really thought I was 100% settled two years ago, but you never know what life holds for you.

Lalasmom, so so sorry. :hug:

[ThreeofUs]

However, the answer changed today as I became a full-on single mom again (SO left), so it feels like life is in shambles....

:hug: So very sorry! Hope things get better for you and your DC very soon.




What really highlights how "unsettled" we are is looking at our parents and where they were at out ages. Yowza!

You know, I was thinking about this today and was very surprised to see it pop up in your post. I think I have much different expectations for life than my parents did. I don't think of myself as middle-aged, or *needing* to settle, as I think they did at my age. (Not that they got to!) They had kids 15 years before I did, so they were in a much different place at/near their early 40s in a vastly different world, where people didn't move around nearly as much as we do now. Very interesting to see the difference....

[ewpmsw]

I've never felt settled. I'm 35ish and thought I'd feel settled by this point, but I don't. I've gotten school out of the way. I have a great DH and DD with another DC on the way. I've made peace with most of the family/childhood junk I carried around forever. I feel wiser and calmer than I did 5-10-15 years ago. DH told me when we were dating that he doesn't plan to stay in what I consider my home town for the rest of his life/career. Eventually we're going to move to accommodate his career. I'm okay with that, but it will mean uprooting our family from close friends, family and familiar things. Knowing we're not planning to be here forever keeps me from feeling like I can put down real roots. I agree with the idea that maybe we're not supposed to ever feel settled, like that quote that "when you're finished changing, you're finished." I'm a little worried that when I think I'm settled, I'll really just be settling instead of striving to always be better, stronger and wiser.

[SnuggleBuggles]

Yep, in every capacity but my career. I think that everyone has some area that they aren't where they want to be ever.

Beth

[LexyLou]

I'm sorry LaLa's mom. :(

[SASM]

Wish I was but sooooo NOPE...and I have almost 2 years on you. When DD2 starts K in a few years, I am going back to school for a career change. We will also be moving to a new city around that time as well...hopefully last move/final DREAM home. Not looking forward to my babies aging but I am soooo looking forward to the career change and move!! I really do not love our current area. Other than that, I feel settled...LOVE DH and we are sooo content with our 3 kiddos...not adding any more to the mix...well...maybe another furry one down the road. :)

[MontrealMum]

You know, I was thinking about this today and was very surprised to see it pop up in your post. I think I have much different expectations for life than my parents did. I don't think of myself as middle-aged, or *needing* to settle, as I think they did at my age. (Not that they got to!) They had kids 15 years before I did, so they were in a much different place at/near their early 40s in a vastly different world, where people didn't move around nearly as much as we do now. Very interesting to see the difference....

Yeah, it's not that we're unhappy or anything, it's more a combination of a different mindset, and also having gotten a later start on some things. And I have to agree with what you posted upthread Ivy, I'm not sure that even if things were to go 100% the way I'd like (compared to how they are right now) that I would feel "settled". I'm not sure it's in my nature :)

[niccig]

You know, I was thinking about this today and was very surprised to see it pop up in your post. I think I have much different expectations for life than my parents did. I don't think of myself as middle-aged, or *needing* to settle, as I think they did at my age. (Not that they got to!) They had kids 15 years before I did, so they were in a much different place at/near their early 40s in a vastly different world, where people didn't move around nearly as much as we do now. Very interesting to see the difference....

I have to agree with this. We can't compare ourselves to our parents, our world is vastly different. DH and I had a long talk about his stress levels and fear of being laid off. Turns out the previous lay offs have been on Thursdays, so as the week gets closer to Thursday his stress levels rise, and then Thursday night they decrease. He did compare himself with where his parents were at his age and the retirement that they have now. They never had to deal with lay offs. FIL always had work, and it increased in responsibility and pay over time. DH is looking at going backwards as his industry is pay cutting and laying off. It's not where he thought he would be in his early 40's. Our world isn't as stable and secure. We have to learn how to deal with that uncertainty.

[arivecchi]

Our world isn't as stable and secure. We have to learn how to deal with that uncertainty. So true. My mom says our generation is really unfortunate in this sense. IMHO, the American Dream might soon be a thing of the past - only available to a very lucky few.

[Globetrotter]

We moved around a lot as kids, whereas I've been in the Bay Area now for over 15 years. This feels like home so I would say we are settled, but there is always the thought that we might have to move at some point.

[SnuggleBuggles]

So true. My mom says our generation is really unfortunate in this sense. IMHO, the American Dream might soon be a thing of the past - only available to a very lucky few.

But, what is the American Dream?

I wonder if people are just getting so obsessed with having it all. I don't think anyone can really have it all. I think that sacrifices need to be made along the line.

I could have a fancier house if I went back to work. I choose not to though because I have prioritized other things. The family/ and work balance makes it so almost always one of those 2 is going to have to take a back seat. You can't expect to be on a high power career path, working 80 hours/ week and still have a quality family life, imo. Something has to give and people need to decide what their goals are and go for them. There's no one size fits all American Dream really.

BEth

[arivecchi]

But, what is the American Dream?

I wonder if people are just getting so obsessed with having it all. I don't think anyone can really have it all. I think that sacrifices need to be made along the line.

I could have a fancier house if I went back to work. I choose not to though because I have prioritized other things. The family/ and work balance makes it so almost always one of those 2 is going to have to take a back seat. You can't expect to be on a high power career path, working 80 hours/ week and still have a quality family life, imo. Something has to give and people need to decide what their goals are and go for them. There's no one size fits all American Dream really.

BEth Having a house and having a job. Two things that many people do not have nowadays. Hope for a better future? Most posters here seem to be doing ok so maybe people do not realize how bad things are.

[mommylamb]

I also think people are dreaming a bigger dream than people dreamed decades ago. If you look at the size of houses built in the 50s vs. the size of houses built now for example.

And, there was a lot of unhappyness back then too. A lot of women who don't have the kinds of options we have today. So, the American dream was kind of handed to them on a platter rather than coming up with your own dream. I think it can be a mistake to be nostalgic.

But, yup, the economy does suck right now.

[elephantmeg]

sorry lalasmama... :(

mostly settled here. I think we're done having kids. Settled in jobs. Have a house where we will most likely live in forever (we bought family land and that was the agreement).

[maestramommy]

Having a house and having a job. Two things that many people do not have nowadays. Hope for a better future? Most posters here seem to be doing ok so maybe people do not realize how bad things are.

I think this sums it up for my parents. They came to this country and were planning to go back. Since it didn't work out that way, they concentrated on making sure we didn't have to "suffer" the way they did. Same for Dh's parents. While we seem to be working just as hard as they did, we don't have to deal with the issues of being immigrants and trying to make it in a country where the language isn't your native tongue. I think financially we are doing much better as well (at least better than I was growing up). As for job security, they didn't ever have long term job security so that is nothing new for us. It just feels scarier when you have kids yourself.

[egoldber]

To Beth's point, I think the "Dream" is bigger for many people today than it was in the 50s/60s. People then had 1 car, a small house (1100 SF vs 3000 SF) and didn't necessarily expect that their lifetime job would be stimulating and have limitless opportunities for promotion. And you didn't need a Master's degree or PhD to have a middle class job and earn a middle class living.

So I think our expectations are a lot higher now. I don't think this is necessarily a bad thing, but for many people I think it does create high expectations that can be difficult to meet for many people and families.

[niccig]

I also think people are dreaming a bigger dream than people dreamed decades ago. If you look at the size of houses built in the 50s vs. the size of houses built now for example.


I would agree with this. Some people have dreams that are bigger than what their income will provide. Not all people of course. It also seems that you want to do better, give your kids more than what you had as a kid.

When my mother left my Dad, we had a suitcase each of clothes and no money. It was tough, but we made it. DH has never gone through a period of not enough money, so it freaks him out to think he might not have job security nor provide DS with certain things. My answer was "so what?" I didn't grow up with all those extra things, and I made it through. Yes, it would be nice, but not all of those things are necessary. I'm less scared than DH to live with less, as I've done it before. He always thought he would keep growing and keep providing more and more to his family. I think it is tied up with his expectations of what to provide. My expectations are lower.

[egoldber]

I didn't grow up with all those extra things, and I made it through. Yes, it would be nice, but not all of those things are necessary. I'm less scared than DH to live with less, as I've done it before. He always thought he would keep growing and keep providing more and more to his family. I think it is tied up with his identity of providing.

Interesting. I feel very much the same way. In some ways, I think we would actually be happier with less stuff and less commitments. DH does not get that at all. His parents always worked hard, so it's not like they had a life of leisure, but they never had to go without. His was very much an upper middle class childhood. They always took vacations, had 2 cars, ate out, etc. We never did any of those things, so to me, I see how incredibly wealthy we are by comparison and he does not.

[niccig]

Interesting. I feel very much the same way. In some ways, I think we would actually be happier with less stuff and less commitments. DH does not get that at all. His parents always worked hard, so it's not like they had a life of leisure, but they never had to go without. His was very much an upper middle class childhood. They always took vacations, had 2 cars, ate out, etc. We never did any of those things, so to me, I see how incredibly wealthy we are by comparison and he does not.

This is the same with DH and I. DH knows what my childhood was like, but he doesn't "get it". I do want DS to have an easier life than I did, but we could have less than what we have now and it would still be plenty. In fact, less would still be more than what DH had as a child. I think he feels that DS has to have certain experiences, while nice it's not necessary. I need to get working on DH about this, so he eases up on the pressure on himself.

[SnuggleBuggles]

To Beth's point, I think the "Dream" is bigger for many people today than it was in the 50s/60s. People then had 1 car, a small house (1100 SF vs 3000 SF) and didn't necessarily expect that their lifetime job would be stimulating and have limitless opportunities for promotion. And you didn't need a Master's degree or PhD to have a middle class job and earn a middle class living.

So I think our expectations are a lot higher now. I don't think this is necessarily a bad thing, but for many people I think it does create high expectations that can be difficult to meet for many people and families.

Yes, thank you, that's what I was getting at.

Nowadays people want the 1500sq ft home, then then 2500, then the 5000 with 2+ cars, pool, vacations... I think that for some that sort of dream is not going to be attainable- at least w/o either luck or sacrifices. I think that if you keep setting your sights on more and more material things especially then it is hard to feel settled and done; someone else is always going to have bigger, nicer or newer.

Beth

[sste]

Yes, thank you, that's what I was getting at.

Nowadays people want the 1500sq ft home, then then 2500, then the 5000 with 2+ cars, pool, vacations... I think that for some that sort of dream is not going to be attainable- at least w/o either luck or sacrifices. I think that if you keep setting your sights on more and more material things especially then it is hard to feel settled and done; someone else is always going to have bigger, nicer or newer.

Beth

I do agree with this. But, I think the dynamic is driven partially by consumerism and partially by extreme work demands. I don't consider DH and I particularly materialistic - - I estimate our collective contribution to society at least a quarter million each year via our decision to pursue academics over the lucrative private careers readily available to each of us. We love our jobs and still make good money so really no complaints.

But, we have found this year ourselves falling into the dynamic of feeling like we worked so hard, we *should* have a bigger house or whatever car we want or not need to think so much about our budget, etc. In particular, DH worked like a man possessed for over a decade in his medical training - - days, nights, weekends, overnights. When he actually was home in our bed, he would frequently would wake up in the middle of the night, completely disoriented mumbling at me to "call a code." The sacrifices were pretty enormous. And I know tons of people outside of medicine who work like this as a way of life! I think that is when alot of people start to feel like they "deserve" the fancy house or car or whatnot . . . we certainly have been struggling with that feeling recently.

[Elilly]

We could be more secure financially but otherwise, yes. I feel content most days. I am so happy that I don't "want" constantly. I love our neighborhood, our kiddos are relatively healthy (DS has some chronic health issues that are manageable), family is nearby etc. Sure, we could have newer cars, a bigger house, and eat out more. But in the end, I value our family time more than anything. I'm still trying to convince DH to align himself with my value system ;)