Neighbors and our backyard...ettiquete questions

[daisymommy]

So our "perfect neighbors" have *I think* decided that they are better than us and their kids are too good to come over and play with our kids any longer (this is the in a nutshell version I am giving you here; lots of back story I won't go into right now). Our kids used to play together ALL the time, we had back-yard BBQ's together, the mom and I did coffee, etc. etc. I can understand people growing in separate directions & kids gaining new friends. But for the past year they have really snubbed us and been very rude.

Fast forward to Saturday. We bought a trampoline for our kids (I know, not a popular choice here, but it was a good one for our family). From the moment we started setting it up, all of a sudden their kids come climbing over the fence, plop themselves down on our bench, and ask when it will be ready to play on :eek: The parents them come outside and say sarcastically "Oh great, you went and bought a trampoline...I can just see it now." SERIOUSLY?! I didn't exactly hand out invitations to their kids--who haven't played with our kids for over a year or even glanced our way when we're all outside.

Now for the last 2 days, I see them waiting like vultures for our kids to come outside, and as soon as mine do, the neighbor kids swarm our yard and jump onto the trampoline before mine even get there!!! What the heck! And their parents look out the window and give a little smile like they're trying to be nice, and turn around.

I feel like they only want us for one thing :ROTFLMAO:And I'm not happy about the fact that my kids aren't hardly getting a turn on their own new toy that we bought for THEM. Do we have to go out there under the guise of midnight? How do we handle this?

[GaPeach_in_Ca]

I would send them home. Or insist that they can only jump on it with their parents surpervising.

I didn't realize kids scaled fences. Our fence is 7+ ft, though.

[geochick]

Be firm and set up ground rules with all kids present. If it were my house, I'd tell the kids that they could jump if their parents were present and had signed a waiver (seriously, I'm nervous about this kind of thing). At my house, the neighbor kids like to come over to play right after school. This wasn't giving my kids enough time to finish homework, and do a good job with it, so we started a 4pm rule. No kids before 4pm. All the kids get it now. Set up some ground rules...

Parents present.
Open jump begins at 5pm.
NO jumping unless you're home and ___.

Be the adult and set the rules.

[ourbabygirl]

Could you tell the kids that they can't jump on it because you don't want them to get hurt and have liability issues? ;) Or maybe walk over to the parents' house and tell the parents that?

[codex57]

I didn't realize kids scaled fences. Our fence is 7+ ft, though.

The fences around here are like that tall. At our old house, the backyard neighbor kids would do that. But we liked them so we didn't mind (I was worried about them getting splinters rather than thinking of them hopping over in the first place without asking). They've been hopping over since they were about 3 yrs old. Kids are like spider monkeys.

[catroddick]

I would not be comfortable with the liability. These people are acting weird anyway- I would not give them the chance for this to get ugly.

I like geochick's ideas.

[KpbS]

Be firm and set up ground rules with all kids present. If it were my house, I'd tell the kids that they could jump if their parents were present and had signed a waiver (seriously, I'm nervous about this kind of thing). At my house, the neighbor kids like to come over to play right after school. This wasn't giving my kids enough time to finish homework, and do a good job with it, so we started a 4pm rule. No kids before 4pm. All the kids get it now. Set up some ground rules...

Parents present.
Open jump begins at 5pm.
NO jumping unless you're home and ___.

Be the adult and set the rules.

This. exactly. Your house/yard, your rules. My SIL established some rules for friends dropping by her house to swim in their pool--she picked a day of the week that worked for them and then said those kids/friends were welcome Tues. after 1:30. It worked really well for them.

[wellyes]

Be firm and set up ground rules with all kids present. If it were my house, I'd tell the kids that they could jump if their parents were present and had signed a waiver (seriously, I'm nervous about this kind of thing). At my house, the neighbor kids like to come over to play right after school. This wasn't giving my kids enough time to finish homework, and do a good job with it, so we started a 4pm rule. No kids before 4pm. All the kids get it now. Set up some ground rules...

Ground rules - brilliant - I'd definitely follow this advice. I think that's entirely reasonable: parents MUST be present and only hours you say are OK.

[niccig]

Ground rules - brilliant - I'd definitely follow this advice. I think that's entirely reasonable: parents MUST be present and only hours you say are OK.

Yes, they must check with you first if it's OK to use the trampoline and one of their parents needs to be there watching them. You should not have to go supervise the neighbour's kids when it's not convenient to you.

I also think that the lure of the trampoline with diminish over time.

[TwinFoxes]

Be firm and set up ground rules with all kids present. If it were my house, I'd tell the kids that they could jump if their parents were present and had signed a waiver (seriously, I'm nervous about this kind of thing). At my house, the neighbor kids like to come over to play right after school. This wasn't giving my kids enough time to finish homework, and do a good job with it, so we started a 4pm rule. No kids before 4pm. All the kids get it now. Set up some ground rules...

Parents present.
Open jump begins at 5pm.
NO jumping unless you're home and ___.

Be the adult and set the rules.

I think this is a very good idea from a liability standpoint. It seems to me if you start a precedent of them jumping whether you're there or not, if one of them gets hurt, hello lawsuit. I'd say, jumping only between certain hours, only if you're home, and ONLY if you have their parents' permission. In fact, I'd probably email the parents and with the new house rules (you can even use the "my kids aren't getting their homework done" excuse)...and make sure they reply with something like "it's ok for our kids to use your trampoline".

Trampolines and other people's kids just seem like an invitation to appear on Judge Judy. Especially with bad blood already.

[DrSally]

Be firm and set up ground rules with all kids present. If it were my house, I'd tell the kids that they could jump if their parents were present and had signed a waiver (seriously, I'm nervous about this kind of thing). At my house, the neighbor kids like to come over to play right after school. This wasn't giving my kids enough time to finish homework, and do a good job with it, so we started a 4pm rule. No kids before 4pm. All the kids get it now. Set up some ground rules...

Parents present.
Open jump begins at 5pm.
NO jumping unless you're home and ___.

Be the adult and set the rules.

Great ideas. Sorry they are being so rude. Maybe if you require the parents to be there, they'll be uncomfortable enough that their kids won't come over as much (for the trampoline, that is).

[JBaxter]

Make sure you check and see if your homeowers policy will cover trampolines. Mine will not. I would also be worried about liability

[vejemom]

I agree with PP. It seriously sucks that you can't do anything in this country any more without having to consider getting sued. DH and I are leery of having a pool because of this, and will probably never have a trampoline for the same reason. Have you checked with your homeowners insurance company? THey may actually require that you do have people sign a waiver. Perfect out there. Even if it isn't a requirement, I'd fudge and tell the neighbors that it is, and would require parents present. It seems like a situation where a little white lie would be permissible to prevent ruffled feathers and keep y'all off Judge Judy :D

[newg]

I agree with PP about "your house, your rules"..........I'm trying to get DH to feel comfortable about enforcing this in our yard (I have no problem using my teacher voice, but he is usually outside with DD when the neighbor kids come over0............

...........if you don't want them over, just say so. It's obvious from their year of non-friendlyness that they are using you...........not to mention the comments they made when you put it up.
Just tell them they can't play on it, maybe another day, and send them home. And don't worry about what they think.

[Indianamom2]

We've been there, done that...only with a pool.

When we first moved here (5 years ago) our house had a pool. We live in a subdivision and there was a family with 6 kids (the oldest 12, the youngest around 2). Apparently they had been friends with the previous owners and had been frequent users of "our" new pool. The kids were never supervised, not even the youngest, and they would just show up at the pool (with bathing suits and towels) or at our front door, and ask to swim.

Not only did I not know them, but I was pregnant/had a newborn and there was NO WAY I was going to be responsible for a bunch of otherwise unsupervised kids. The worst part was that the second oldest kid had a fairly severe (but functioning) case of cerebral palsy and was just fascinated with me (because I was new, I later discovered). I hated saying no....over and over and over....but I knew that this was a MAJOR liability (Dh is an attorney and extra paranoid!) but also that these were the kind of kids who would not hesitate to come over and swim unsupervised as well.

The last straw finally came when I caught their then-3-year-old peeing in our yard and then trying to climb the fence around the pool deck. No parent in sight. I just happened to be looking out the kitchen window at the right moment or I shudder to think what could have happened. I grabbed my baby, marched the other kid over to his house and knocked on the door. When dad (a local tv personality) came to the door, I explained what had just happened and that we really did not want any kids in our yard and especially around the pool because we didn't want them to get hurt.

I don't think we ever had any more problems with them. Definitely set YOUR boundaries. The trampoline belongs to your family and you decide the rules. If for no other reason, you have to protect yourself. Sad, but true.

[ehlana06]

I agree. Setting ground rules is absolutely essential, and absolutely no jumping without parental supervision. We had to deal with a situation similar to this last summer with our neighbor and my step son. Just remember as tempting as it can be to get frustrated with the kids remember that they are the product of their parents and it seems from what you have said that their parents have a bug up their butt about something... If I were you vehemently enforce all rules established with absolutely no exceptions. The minute you make an exception they will be expecting that all the time.

[HIU8]

I totally agree. From a liability standpoint other children should either NEVER be allowed to use your trampoline or only with their parents present.

When I was a kid the kids who lived behind us used to come over and use our monkey bars and swingset. Their parents were deaf and really paid no attention to where their children were (they used to roam the neighborhood). The little one used to knock on our door to use the bathroom. My mom sent her home with a note basically saying our yard, our equipment and we were not responsible if something happened to her kids. She went so far as to threaten to call the police. Those kids never scaled the fence into our yard again.

[infomama]

I would send them home.
:yeahthat:. Moochers...not cool. I will not tolerate being taken of advantage of like that.

[daisymommy]

I am such a doormat. I have such a hard time with confrontation, standing up for myself, and speaking my mind. I don't want anyone to dislike me :shy:. I know, I need to put my big-girl panties on!

So, do I tell the kids the rules and wait for them to go home and tell their parents? Talk to the parents when they step outside on the deck? (even harder for me).

Yep, we checked with our HOA and insurance and it's all cleared.

[HIU8]

It depends on how comfortable you are now talking with the parents. I personally would go the note route (can you tell I hate confrontation). Hand the note to one of the kids and tell them to immediately take it home to the parents. But, if they came over without permission etc.. I would go as far as having the family charged with trespassing (that's after I put on my big girl pants).

[kransden]

I would not be comfortable with the liability. These people are acting weird anyway- I would not give them the chance for this to get ugly.

I like geochick's ideas.
:yeahthat:
They would sue the pants off you if their little darlings were hurt! I would tell them no.

[DrSally]

I would tell the kids and the parents, as the parents will be responsible for enforcing it. You want to have to say it once and only once.

[daisymommy]

But what words exactly do I use with the parents in talking to them so that I don't sound like an outright witch? I can't just say "I really don't want your kids jumping on our trampoline because if they get hurt you'll sue us".

[MamaMolly]

I am such a doormat. I have such a hard time with confrontation, standing up for myself, and speaking my mind. I don't want anyone to dislike me :shy:. I know, I need to put my big-girl panties on!

So, do I tell the kids the rules and wait for them to go home and tell their parents? Talk to the parents when they step outside on the deck? (even harder for me).

Yep, we checked with our HOA and insurance and it's all cleared.

This is the perfect opportunity for you to stretch your confrontation wings! :) The more you do it the easier it gets! You aren't really having a 'confrontation', that is too strong a word for it.

If you decide that face to face is the way to go, plan out what you want to say, so that you are more comfortable with it. Just say the days and times that work for you, and that they need to be present to supervise. End of story.

good, good, good luck, and lots of courage!

[MissyAg94]

Send them home. You aren't obligated to let them use your trampoline. It sounds like they hardly speak to you anyway so it's not like you'd be jeopardizing a friendship.

[SnuggleBuggles]

Can you lock the trampoline? I've seen ones with those big old fences around them and figure there might be a way to seal them off.

I'd post rules right on the trampoline and your fence maybe. I wonder if a "use at your own risk" sign would help with liability (i know nothing about this stuff so hopefully one of the lawyers can chime in).

Beth

[gatorsmom]

But what words exactly do I use with the parents in talking to them so that I don't sound like an outright witch? I can't just say "I really don't want your kids jumping on our trampoline because if they get hurt you'll sue us".

Ding dong. "Hi Betty and Jo Moocher! I wanted to bring you over these cookies and talk to you about the trampoline. DH and I have talked and are just concerned that your children might get hurt if they are using it unsupervised so we would prefer that ............. I would just feel terrible if something happened to Bobby and Suzy, you know what I mean? Well, enjoy the cookies. I made them with extra chocolate chips! Have a great night!"

Kill 'em with kindness. Then say the not-so-fun part and then distract them with the cookies.

Honestly though, I'm more of an email type of girl, whenever possible. Particularly since if their kids ever DID get hurt, a copy of an email to them is great proof that they didn't have permission to be there.

[smiles33]

Ding dong. "Hi Betty and Jo Moocher! I wanted to bring you over these cookies and talk to you about the trampoline. DH and I have talked and are just concerned that your children might get hurt if they are using it unsupervised so we would prefer that ............. I would just feel terrible if something happened to Bobby and Suzy, you know what I mean? Well, enjoy the cookies. I made them with extra chocolate chips! Have a great night!"

Kill 'em with kindness. Then say the not-so-fun part and then distract them with the cookies.

Honestly though, I'm more of an email type of girl, whenever possible. Particularly since if their kids ever DID get hurt, a copy of an email to them is great proof that they didn't have permission to be there.

:yeahthat: except I wouldn't bother with cookies as these moochers don't deserve them! Still, Gatorsmom's strategy is smart. You come across as a nice neighbor trying to do the right thing as opposed to a NIMBY-type.

[squimp]

I'm sorry you're having to deal with this. It sounds like you really do not want the random neighbor kids on the trampoline, and I don't blame you. Better to nip it in the bud than to deal with a lawsuit later. I would take a good deep breath, go over to the house and say "I'm sorry, but we're not comfortable with your children jumping on our trampoline. Trampolines are dangerous and require parent supervision. We're just not comfortable taking responsibility for anyone but our own kids and their close friends. We would just feel terrible if anything happened to your childen". Look them in the eye, make it very clear. It will be hard, but you'll feel better once you've made yourself clear. And send their kids home each and every time they try to jump. Eventually they will get it.

[JoyNChrist]

I guess I'm maybe meaner than everyone else, but I'd just tell the parents, "I'm not comfortable with your children using our trampoline. They could get injured, and we don't want to assume that liability. I'm sorry, but we've decided that the trampoline is only for our children."

I mean, it's not like these people are close friends anymore. And do you really want their kids over at your house if they're just using you/your kids for the trampoline? I have no patience for moochers or snobs. If we were close friends and I really liked them and their kids, I'd handle it differently (free to use the trampoline if we're home and a parent supervises), but in this case, I'd just tell the parents it's off limits.