s/o: non-religious folks - how do you/are you going to explain death?

[MomToOne]

If you don't believe in afterlife and/or heaven and/or God, etc - in other words if you think that when you die your body stops working, your brain stops firing and your body is put in a box in the ground and that's it - what do you tell the kids when grandpa passes on?

I can see where religion would really be a comfort here. I'd love to hear what people have done/are thinking of doing. Also if you've dealt with this what your child's reaction has been.

[kijip]

Well, I do come from a religious background and frame of view. But my older son is, no two ways about it, an atheist. When his grandma died he was comforted by celebrating her life and by telling him that she lives on in us and in everything that she did. We still run into people who are homeless who remember my mother helping them (and she had little financial means) and saying hello to T and mentioning how much they love and miss her. That sort of thing reminds him that she will always be here.

[Reyadawnbringer]

Well, I do come from a religious background and frame of view. But my older son is, no two ways about it, an atheist. When his grandma died he was comforted by celebrating her life and by telling him that she lives on in us and in everything that she did. We still run into people who are homeless who remember my mother helping them (and she had little financial means) and saying hello to T and mentioning how much they love and miss her. That sort of thing reminds him that she will always be here.

:yeahthat: I will explain that we live on in the memories of those who love us and whose lives we've touched.

[geochick]

I tell them that grandpa's body lived a full life, and did so many wonderful things. It got worn out, and tired, and needs a rest. It's time for the new babies being born today to have a turn on earth. Everyone gets a turn. During your turn, it's your job to live the best life you can because you get one chance.

So far, that has been good enough for my 5 and 7 year olds.

[Pear]

Geochick

I really love that explanation. So very true and a concept kids can really understand.

[Reyadawnbringer]

I tell them that grandpa's body lived a full life, and did so many wonderful things. It got worn out, and tired, and needs a rest. It's time for the new babies being born today to have a turn on earth. Everyone gets a turn. During your turn, it's your job to live the best life you can because you get one chance.

So far, that has been good enough for my 5 and 7 year olds.

I love this. It is a perfect explanation while addressing real population issues.

[caheinz]

We just lost a beloved cat (yesterday), so we're dealing with this right now. So far, I've been telling our oldest that she will live forever in his heart and in his memories. He's old enough to have heard of heaven, but he hasn't brought it up yet. (And we won't.) As to explaining the death itself, we've said that her body wasn't working any more, and it stopped working for her. (She had cancer that wasn't found until they did an ultrasound, and the extent wasn't clear until she went into surgery. There was no way to give her any quality of life at all moving forward, so we said a very difficult goodbye.)

The younger ones haven't asked for any explanation at all. As they get older, they'll be told the same things.

[dogmom]

Well, I've covered it a couple different ways over the years depending on the situation. Key ponts:
-We all die, death is part of life, and hopefully we will live long, full lives. That's why we have to do what we can in these
-No one actually knows what happens, people say they do, but no one knows for sure
-Cover the basics of heaven and reincarnation.
-Talk about how the bodies go back to the dirt and things start over. Son's big on that now since we buried the hamster in the flower garden.
-We live on in memories of others.

[egoldber]

We just explain it factually.

When people die, their bodies stop working and they stop breathing. Usually you live a very long life and are ready when it is your time, but sometimes accidents do happen. (Having lost a child, we can't really ignore this part of things.) I have talked a little with older DD about what other religions and cultures believe, but that DH and I do not believe that.

We have also had to talk about what happens to the body afterwards (burial, cremation, etc.)

IMO, kids are much more OK with these discussions than grown-ups are.

[hellokitty]

We just explain it factually.

When people die, their bodies stop working and they stop breathing. Usually you live a very long life and are ready when it is your time, but sometimes accidents do happen. (Having lost a child, we can't really ignore this part of things.) I have talked a little with older DD about what other religions and cultures believe, but that DH and I do not believe that.

We have also had to talk about what happens to the body afterwards (burial, cremation, etc.)

IMO, kids are much more OK with these discussions than grown-ups are.

Yup, we go with the factual route as well.

[g-mama]

Well, I do come from a religious background and frame of view. But my older son is, no two ways about it, an atheist.

Are you saying that you and your dh believe in God but your ds does not? I didn't think that was possible at his young age. Can you elaborate? I'm honestly curious. Does it upset you?

[JoyNChrist]

I tell them that grandpa's body lived a full life, and did so many wonderful things. It got worn out, and tired, and needs a rest. It's time for the new babies being born today to have a turn on earth. Everyone gets a turn. During your turn, it's your job to live the best life you can because you get one

I love this.

[twowhat?]

We just explain it factually.

When people die, their bodies stop working and they stop breathing. Usually you live a very long life and are ready when it is your time, but sometimes accidents do happen. (Having lost a child, we can't really ignore this part of things.) I have talked a little with older DD about what other religions and cultures believe, but that DH and I do not believe that.

We have also had to talk about what happens to the body afterwards (burial, cremation, etc.)

IMO, kids are much more OK with these discussions than grown-ups are.

Same here. I do like geochick's explanation too, esp the part about each of us having a chance to live the best lives we can.

[erosenst]

We used something similar to GeoChick's, above, when DD's grandfather died when DD was 5.

As is often the case, the question she had was not one I expected. She was fixated on whether Grandpa died in his bed. I asked why (fortunately). She wanted to make sure he would be warm and comfortable. It was a good way to elaborate on the whole 'body stopped working ' part of the conversation.

[twowhat?]

We used something similar to GeoChick's, above, when DD's grandfather died when DD was 5.

As is often the case, the question she had was not one I expected. She was fixated on whether Grandpa died in his bed. I asked why (fortunately). She wanted to make sure he would be warm and comfortable. It was a good way to elaborate on the whole 'body stopped working ' part of the conversation.

This is a good point and is also something I've read that is important. One example I read was of a child asking "are you going to die soon?" and the parent asking "Why? Are you afraid there won't be someone to take care of you?" The "Why" really helps to decode what exactly is concerning the child. Thanks for the reminder.

[kijip]

Are you saying that you and your dh believe in God but your ds does not? I didn't think that was possible at his young age. Can you elaborate? I'm honestly curious. Does it upset you?

My son, after years of going to church with us, and months of Sunday school announced to me, "this God stuff can not possibly be true." He was 4 at the time. Subsequent to this, nothing has changed his mind. Like Lady Gaga says...he was born this way. ;) He instinctively does not believe in a heaven and a hell. We told him he does not need to believe anything but that we will answer any questions he has and that we expect him to be polite about other people's beliefs (no telling people that theor beliefs are not true, just that he does not share them) We still go to church on a semi regular basis, we are very liberal and we really don't mind. He is a very science minded, literal thinking person. Perhaps this will change, perhaps it will not. He does love going to church and has a good relationship with our minister. I am not a literalist bible reader anyways. I was devoutly religious as a child so it is a BIG difference.

[anonomom]

To be honest, when my mom died a few months ago, I lied like a rug. I had already given her the facts (Grandma had a disease that made her very sick and her body stopped working, etc.), but she still wasn't satisfied and began asking questions. Though we are not at all religious, my in-laws are, and she has been exposed to church and religion through them. So the first thing she asked me when I told her Grandma was going to die was if she'd come back in 3 days like Jesus did :eek:.

So I told her Grandma would not come back to life, but she would go to heaven to be with with Grandpa and her beloved dogs. I don't really believe in heaven but DD clearly needed some kind of comfort and there wasn't much to be had under the circumstances. I'm justifying it by telling myself that I don't really know what happens when we die, so letting a preschooler believe in heaven isn't the worst thing I can do.

[Raidra]

My grandmother died this past fall. We told the kids that when people get old, their bodies stop working as well. We also talked about how because she had smoked and not eaten right, her body got sick and couldn't make itself better. My 7 and 5 year olds already had a rudimentary concept of death, obviously, so that made it a little easier. I never said that she died and that's it, that there's nothing after death, I just said that nobody really knows for sure, that some people think nothing happens, some people think you go to Heaven (I had to explain what that was, too), and that some people think you can be born again as another person. They did ask what I thought, and I said that I don't believe in God and Heaven, but I don't really know what happens after people die.

We've talked a lot about how we remember Grammy and she lives in our hearts and minds. My grandmother taught me about cooking, gardening, and birdwatching, so whenever I do something that she taught me, and I teach the kids about it, we mention my grandmother and how it's like she's teaching my kids, because she's the one who taught me. I think they especially like that, because it feels like they're still connected to her in a very concrete way.

[maestramommy]

I am a religious person, and we do teach our kids about heaven, but I am loving some of the concrete explanations about this, esp. Geochick and Egoldber. Will have to remember them.

I do have a question. How do you explain when someone dies way too early? I am delivering a meal to a family where the Dh died in a motorcycle accident, leaving behind two little boys. He was 32. I need to bring the kids with me, and I know Dora will ask why I'm doing this.

[egoldber]

We just say that sometimes, terrible accidents happen. We try to be safe, which is why we wear seatbelts and helmets, but sometimes terrible things happen and people die too young. And that is a terrible tragedy and very sad. But these things are also VERY VERY unlikely and most people who get sick or hurt in an accident are able to get better.

These are hard truths for children to hear and hard things to have to say. I wouldn't dwell on them and I would shield my child from the intensity of the direct grief of the family. But I would also not shy away from sharing with children that sometimes accidents happen and people die.

The concern that many children have is usually for the living as they imagine themselves in the position of the children in that family. I share with the children that if something happened to me or DH or both of them, that we have a plan in place for them to be safe and taken care of. I would not offer that off the bat ;) but be aware that this is a very common concern for chidlren when they first realize that their parents could die.