DS1's BF does not like DS2 - how to handle?

[deborah_r]

All of DS1's past best friends have liked DS2 and been happy to play with him too. 3 are only children, so I think they like having a "little brother" around. Another had a little brother almost DS2's age, so all 4 played together and liked eachother. The current BF has an older brother, and he does not find Q cute or fun like the other kids have. He came over for a playdate about a month ago and I was shocked when he was being kind of mean to Q, and K joined in with him! Then the other night Q was asking K about his friend and when he could play with him again, and K told me his friend "hates" Q. He says he says mean things about him "all the time". I don't know how accurate his reporting is, but I did tell him he should stick up for his brother and not let his friend talk about his brother like that.

So is there anything I can do here? It's not really practical for DS2 to not be around when DS1 has a friend over. BTW, DS1 and his friend are 8 years old, DS2 is almost 4. Is this just normal, and maybe what we experienced with other friends has been unusual?

[egoldber]

It's not really practical for DS2 to not be around when DS1 has a friend over.

This is what I have to do for almost all older DD's playdates. Even if the friends like younger DD, she is always in their way and interfering with their play (not in a fun way).

There was a recent thread (maybe on the BP?) where someone was complaining that a mom always took kids for an "outing" for a playdate vs. just hanging out at home. I do this too and this is why. Otherwise older DD would never get any one on one time with her friend. Or else I have DH take younger DD out while the friend is over. It does make planning playdates very logistically challenging!

[bisous]

See, I read this and am outraged! I don't care how much DS1 liked a kid if he was unkind to my other child he isn't coming over! DS2 lives here. I think I would go the route of instructing what is acceptable behavior at my house but if the friend doesn't get it with gentle intervention on my part, that's the end of that. They can play at school!

[Kungjo]

Kids need to learn to play together regardless of age. When older DD has a friend over to play, younger DD usually plays along with them as well with no problems. Sometimes, I will invite a friend over for younger DD to play with and all four girls end up playing together even though I expected the older two to play separate from the younger two.

I get that sometimes it doesn't work out. If that happens, I will try to do something else with younger DD. Hasn't happened yet. Maybe girls are different?

Regardless, I would be upset if older DD's friend said mean things about younger DD. That's not the type of influence I want on my child and will definitely limit our interaction with that "friend" in the future. I doubt they will be encouraged to play together at either home again.

[daisymommy]

There's a big difference between being unkind and mean to the younger sibling--that I would not tolerate. The friend would not be allowed to come over to play if that was the case.

But I also do not think it is reasonable or fair to expect 4 year olds to tag along and always be in the mix with 8 year olds. They are worlds apart, half their age, their play is not even on the same developmental level.

My 8 year old needs to be able to play with his own friends without his 4 yr. old sister tagging along. I just don't think that's fair.
It's one thing if they were all together in my living room watching a movie. But if big brother and his friends went into the game room, his room, playing a board game, etc., I don't let little sis come along too. She has her own friends.

Can you tell I was the older child with a younger sibling? ;)

[deborah_r]

daisymommy, I get what you are saying. I was just blindsided because it has never been a problem with other firends who have come over. I had also noticed a couple weeks before, Q had a friend over, and K was bossing them around, and that was causing problems. I don't really know how to separate them - we live in a pretty small space. With DS2, he'd have to be out of the house with dad or something because you'd have to sit on him to keep him away from the action!

[egoldber]

I didn't say it was OK for the kid to be mean. Obviously that is NOT OK.


But I also do not think it is reasonable or fair to expect 4 year olds to tag along and always be in the mix with 8 year olds. They are worlds apart, half their age, their play is not even on the same developmental level.

My 8 year old needs to be able to play with his own friends without his 4 yr. old sister tagging along. I just don't think that's fair.
It's one thing if they were all together in my living room watching a movie. But if big brother and his friends went into the game room, his room, playing a board game, etc., I don't let little sis come along too. She has her own friends.

:yeahthat:

Older DD actually does a fabulous job and her friends like younger DD. But there are games 9 and 10 year old kids want to play that 4 and 5 year old kids can't do and that is OK too.


With DS2, he'd have to be out of the house with dad or something because you'd have to sit on him to keep him away from the action!

That is exactly what we have to do. It does suck.

[crl]

There's a big difference between being unkind and mean to the younger sibling--that I would not tolerate. The friend would not be allowed to come over to play if that was the case.

But I also do not think it is reasonable or fair to expect 4 year olds to tag along and always be in the mix with 8 year olds. They are worlds apart, half their age, their play is not even on the same developmental level.

My 8 year old needs to be able to play with his own friends without his 4 yr. old sister tagging along. I just don't think that's fair.
It's one thing if they were all together in my living room watching a movie. But if big brother and his friends went into the game room, his room, playing a board game, etc., I don't let little sis come along too. She has her own friends.

Can you tell I was the older child with a younger sibling? ;)

I agree with this. Except I was actually the younger sibling and I still agree. My mom did pretty much sit on me to keep me away from my brother and his friends. I was to leave them alone if they were in my borther's room playing or outside playing. I think my mom often had me help her bake cookies or something when he had friends over. Or she would arrange for me to play at a neighbors.

I do not think it is okay for your older child's friend to be mean to or say mean things about your younger child though.

Catherine

[pinkmomagain]

There's a big difference between being unkind and mean to the younger sibling--that I would not tolerate. The friend would not be allowed to come over to play if that was the case.

But I also do not think it is reasonable or fair to expect 4 year olds to tag along and always be in the mix with 8 year olds. They are worlds apart, half their age, their play is not even on the same developmental level.

My 8 year old needs to be able to play with his own friends without his 4 yr. old sister tagging along. I just don't think that's fair.
It's one thing if they were all together in my living room watching a movie. But if big brother and his friends went into the game room, his room, playing a board game, etc., I don't let little sis come along too. She has her own friends.

Can you tell I was the older child with a younger sibling? ;)

I agree with this and I was the older child too. For some reason, I could not stand having my younger sister join us in play when I had friends over (we had a 3yr difference in age). My mom tried very hard to let me have time alone with my friends (distracting my younger sister). FWIW, my sister and I are super close and I think it helped that I didn't resent having to entertain her along with my friends.

As a mom, it is hard to keep the younger ones away. It is not OK to be mean to the younger sibling, but I think it is OK for the older sibling to let parents know that he/she would like alone time with his/her friend.

[deborah_r]

I knew about the older sibling/younger sibling irritation, I just didn't think it happened this early. Like I know 12 year old K will probably want nothing to do with 8 year old Q, but so far, K has never complained about Q playing with him and his friends. He generally enjoys playing with him (though they do fight quite often), but I'm sure that will change. Especially with input from his friends.

I get the impression that this friend's older brother really gives him a hard time (they are two years apart), so I think he may be taking the opportunity to pass that on to a younger sibling, even though it is not his sibling. So that is probably the difference I am seeing from his other friends, none of them have had an older sibling.

This is the kind of input I was looking for, thank you.

[Cuckoomamma]

We don't do playdates with anyone who acts unkindly to dd2. DD1 could still be friends with the child, but I'm not facilitating a friendship with a child like that. FWIW, I have found that if dd1 sticks up for her sister to the other child, they back WAY off. I've also told them to make a point of being very loving to each other in front of someone like that. I've found that once the other child finds that the attitude doesn't fly with dd1, they tone it down.

That being said, they do like to play things that dd2 can't play and that can make things tough. Almost always the friends have agreed to play something that dd2 can play. It's also easier if they play with dd2 first. She then loses some interest as the playdate continues.

[mommy111]

He's teaching your DS1 to model HIS older brother. Totally not OK. That kid would not get invited to my place again.

[deborah_r]

Update: Wow, I have a lot to learn about 8 year olds. Now DS1 says he made it up, and his friend doesn't say mean things about DS2 - now I don't know which is true. But we were at a school event tonight and his friend played with DS2 a lot, and they got along fine. In fact, all of DS1's friends wanted to play with DS2.

The only thing I actually did witness was at the playdate, the friend had been saying some mean things to DS2 (I can't remember what) and DS1 did join in picking on DS2. For now I'm going to assume that was due to me allowing DS2 to be too much a part of their playdate and see how future playdates go.

[SummerBaby]

Ugh. This is why I have very few playdates at my house! My girls will be 7 and 4 in July. Older DD has a close friend who has been very mean to younger DD. My rule, which I communicate very clearly to the older kids is, "You don't have to play with younger DD, but you cannot be mean to her." The mean friend is actually no longer welcome to play here because she cannot follow this rule. Last time she was here, she spent the entire time screaming at DD2 and trying to scare her. DD2 was innocently playing with her toy kitchen and this girl was yelling at her that she was ruining her playdate because she wanted to play at the kitchen. It was horrible!

Even when older kids are nice to DD2, it's very hard to have playdates, because DD2 wants to play with the older kids, and I generally don't let her, because I want DD1 to have her own time. However, this usually results in a tantrum from DD2. Did I mention I hate playdates????

Val

[*myfoursons]

Maybe DS1 made up that story because he wants to spend more alone time with his friends? I know I struggle with how much sibling interaction to allow on playdates, particularly with ds1 and ds2. They're closer in age, so it get hard to separate. Good luck!

[egoldber]

Maybe DS1 made up that story because he wants to spend more alone time with his friends?

I was wondering the same thing.