Suggestions on getting DD to be nicer to DH?

[sidmand]

Okay, DD is newly three. She is a very young three and speech delayed (among other things). But she is all stubborn three year old girl with huge mood swings and all.

She is *not* easy at all. Although she's completely sweet and adorable about 75% of the time but the 25% of the time when she's not...she's NOT. Most of it comes back on me since I'm with her most of the time and I will freely admit she tries my patience (a lot!) but it's very very hard on DH. They say you have the most trouble with the child who is most like you and I think that's why I have a hard time with her. And I think DH has a hard time with her because she's like me but hasn't learned yet how/when to turn it down!

For instance, this weekend she said to DH, "Go away!" I told her that wasn't nice so she said, "Go away, Daddy!" yeah, not nicer. DH will try to get her down from her chair or get her dressed or read a story (or anything really) and she'll say, "No, Mommy!" She's particularly bad first thing in the morning (and about 3/4 p.m. since she really needs a nap but hasn't taken one since December!) and will turn away and scream but then when he gets ready to leave for work she'll run after him, "no, huggie please!" And at the point he doesn't want to give her a hug because she's been so mean to him up until then. I get that. I get that his feelings are really hurt. But she's three, she doesn't know any better. But she needs to. And like I said, she's a very young three. We've worked with EI up until now (we all think there's something else going on--DS is on the spectrum and she doesn't seem to be but there's more than just being three). She gets very stuck on things. Very stuck. I know it's typical that things have to go their way when they're three but she very much needs them to go her way.

But I could tell this morning that it is really getting to DH (and not to lie, I've needed my fair share of breaks from her too!) and I've been telling her all day that she needs to be nicer to Daddy! But I think I need something concrete and a better way to go about it because I'm almost positive that we can talk about it all day but the second she sees DH she's not going to be nice to him. :(

[wellyes]

We do time-outs for rudeness, explaining "you are in time out because you were not nice to daddy" with very specific talk about what is and is not appropriate. She has to apologize as part of the process. It's worked for us.

[Pyrodjm]

I've worked as an EI therapist and now work with 3-5 year olds. I'm going to be frank, if she gets to scream for you, be mean to Daddy and STILL get the things she wants from YOU she is being rewarded for this behavior. In some cases, it may not be possible but if she needs help with something or a fun activity but when dad tries to so it refuses his help I would simply say "If daddy doesn't do it, it won't be done. Daddy is trying to help you, it's his turn." Let her sit in the chair until she calms down and can accept daddy's help. "If daddy can't read to you then you don't need a story right now", etc. Granted she will pitch a fit for a while but she has to learn to accept help from both of you and to be civil to both of you. I would also set up consequences for being mean to daddy. Remove a treasured activity, time-out, whatever works.

I have an almost 3 year old that sometimes thinks she should have things exactly the way she wants ie. grilled cheese sandwich made by daddy and only daddy and eaten while sitting on mommy's lap. Well if mommy's bf'ing and Daddy is busy in the basement, her options are sandwich made by grandma and eaten while sitting next to me. If she acts horribly (sometimes she will yell "I don't want Gaga to make it, I don't like her!") I immediately tell MIL to stop cooking. And remind her that we don't help mean people. And tell DD1 that she must not be all that hungry. After the dramatic crying and whining DD1 will apologize and ask nicely. THEN she will get a sandwich from whomever is available and be grateful for it. This behavior comes and goes but I try to make sure that we never reward mean behavior and ignore the tantrums that follow until she is ready to calm down and be civil. IMO, my kids don't have to adore us equally all of the time but they do need to make an effort to be kind.

[sidmand]

I've worked as an EI therapist and now work with 3-5 year olds. I'm going to be frank, if she gets to scream for you, be mean to Daddy and STILL get the things she wants from YOU she is being rewarded for this behavior. In some cases, it may not be possible but if she needs help with something or a fun activity but when dad tries to so it refuses his help I would simply say "If daddy doesn't do it, it won't be done. Daddy is trying to help you, it's his turn." Let her sit in the chair until she calms down and can accept daddy's help. "If daddy can't read to you then you don't need a story right now", etc. Granted she will pitch a fit for a while but she has to learn to accept help from both of you and to be civil to both of you. I would also set up consequences for being mean to daddy. Remove a treasured activity, time-out, whatever works.

I have an almost 3 year old that sometimes thinks she should have things exactly the way she wants ie. grilled cheese sandwich made by daddy and only daddy and eaten while sitting on mommy's lap. Well if mommy's bf'ing and Daddy is busy in the basement, her options are sandwich made by grandma and eaten while sitting next to me. If she acts horribly (sometimes she will yell "I don't want Gaga to make it, I don't like her!") I immediately tell MIL to stop cooking. And remind her that we help mean people. And tell DD1 that she must not be all that hungry. After the dramatic crying and whining DD1 will apologize and ask nicely. THEN she will get a sandwich from whomever is available and be grateful for it. This behavior comes and goes but I try to make sure that we never reward mean behavior and ignore the tantrums that follow until she is ready to calm down and be civil. IMO, my kids don't have to adore us equally all of the time but they do need to make an effort to be kind.

I totally get what you're saying and I know that we haven't been as forceful as we can be. The problem is that if she's in the high chair and screaming she can actually hurt herself (flip herself out and she's very accident prone!) if not removed and some of the situations I can't just let her cry/scream until she lets Daddy come because she'll either a) hurt herself or b) wake up everyone else in the house (these are two I can think of off the top of my head).

But I do know that I've "given in" too much. I learned behavior from dealing with DS that I continued with DD! Sometimes it was easier to give in to the battle if it really wasn't going to make my life any more difficult and I did--pick my battles (okay, if you really want to wear your boots when it's 90 degrees out, go ahead...)

But she really and truly gets "stuck" on things too. She'll repeat "eat, eat, eat" ad infinitum if I let her and don't get her out of that loop and wouldn't care that she wasn't getting the sandwich. She'd just keep saying "eat, eat, eat!" But we do need to establish better consequences when she's not nice. She can be such a terror that we let a lot of things slide that we shouldn't have because it was easier to do that.

[Cuckoomamma]

Hmmmmm, I'm thinking that she has a strong personality and may have difficulty managing her emotions and verbalizing? I think 3 is still really little for a child who is easy going and verbal. If you have a particularly intense child, or a child with something more going on, the expectations of their social awareness for others should be even lower.

I think that there are two parts to this. The first is that your dh is understandably insulted. I can truly empathize with him. At the same time, this is really his issue. Another person or even your dh on a different day who is less stressed, who has more of their needs met, who is in a better frame of mind would let your dd's comments role right off their back. She's 3!

I do know that when you have a 3 yo they don't seem very little, in fact, they can down right seem like teens! But, they're not :-)

As for the second part: Your dd's behavior...Of course you should speak with her almost each and every time she's rude and tell her how she should have said whatever she was meaning to say. For example when she says, "go away, Daddy" , you would follow up with, "gee, honey. How would you feel if you offered to help Daddy do X and he said, Go away? That would make you sad and hurt your heart. Well, you hurt Daddy's heart when you said he should go away. If you don't want his help you can say, "no thank you, daddy". Can you say that to him now?"

It will sink in over time and dh's feeling will be slightly less hurt because he hears you intervening. And hopefully, you can let him know that speaking in a sensitive manner seems to be a real challenge for her. It'll come with time, but maybe not at the same rate as everyone else.

Our second daughter is extremely intense. When she was a year old she slipped and fell, and when I went to comfort her she kicked me! It was the beginning of a long road for us, but she's made huge strides over the years. She's always been a wonderful little girl, but those moments where she was unable to navigate her own feelings could cause real tension in our house with everyone. Some days I was way more kind and loving in guiding her. On other days, less so. But that intensity is truly a gift for her and all of us around her. As she gets older we get more and more benefits from it.

Your little girl needs the two of you to smother her with love and give the message that you love her no matter what. I don't believe that parenting is an equal relationship. I think that we parents need to absorb and overlook the missteps that our children make as they grow. Everyone has areas of their personalities that are more challenging. Your little one will learn tact and grace as she gets older. But hey, I know plenty of adults who aren't a whole lot better than your dd :-)

I'm not trying to be harsh, but your dh is expecting a 3 yo to not only manage her own intense feelings and correctly verbalize them, but also manage his feelings. I think that's a really tall order for such a little person. If I had to respond to your post with one sentence it would be..."she's 3!" If you show her understanding and guide her now, they'll have an amazing relationship over the years. If he takes it personally now, it'll strain the relationship.

Raising Our Children, Raising Ourselves by Naomi Aldort is a great read.

[Cuckoomamma]

Just wanted to address what you said in your last response about "letting things slide". I guess I see it as defining your priorities or "picking your battles", as you said. If your little one becomes hysterical, she won't learn anything. I think your example of letting a child wear boots in 90 degrees is great. Why not?

FWIW, I have an almost 10 and 6 yo and they're extremely well behaved. Because we homeschool I take them with me everywhere - doctor, dentist, meetings, etc. Often times they're the only children with a group of adults and are able to quietly entertain themselves. Just throwing that in there so that you know that a loving reaction that points out the better way really does work. You don't have to impose "consequences" or unpleasantness.

[sste]

I am not a child development expert but with my own DS it has seemed to me that part of his learning about relationships is that he has struggled with the idea of a multiplicity of loving ties. The first part of this understanding close relationships was all about ONE person and endless adoration and seeking out of that one person.

Anyway, when this happened to my DH I have to give him credit he read the sections of the book playful parenting I had conveniently highlighted and did lots of that. He also started a weekly super-fun activity with DS.

My son is now 3.5 and he is still struggling with this - - in fact, this may be an area where a speech delay is not such a bad thing. Two weeks ago my son earnestly explained to his dad, "Actually, I love Mama, it is me and mama together. That is one. It no cannot be you (daddy) and me. No, that is not the way it goes. Sorry."

[sidmand]

Hmmmmm, I'm thinking that she has a strong personality and may have difficulty managing her emotions and verbalizing? I think 3 is still really little for a child who is easy going and verbal. If you have a particularly intense child, or a child with something more going on, the expectations of their social awareness for others should be even lower.

I think that there are two parts to this. The first is that your dh is understandably insulted. I can truly empathize with him. At the same time, this is really his issue. Another person or even your dh on a different day who is less stressed, who has more of their needs met, who is in a better frame of mind would let your dd's comments role right off their back. She's 3!

I do know that when you have a 3 yo they don't seem very little, in fact, they can down right seem like teens! But, they're not :-)

As for the second part: Your dd's behavior...Of course you should speak with her almost each and every time she's rude and tell her how she should have said whatever she was meaning to say. For example when she says, "go away, Daddy" , you would follow up with, "gee, honey. How would you feel if you offered to help Daddy do X and he said, Go away? That would make you sad and hurt your heart. Well, you hurt Daddy's heart when you said he should go away. If you don't want his help you can say, "no thank you, daddy". Can you say that to him now?"

It will sink in over time and dh's feeling will be slightly less hurt because he hears you intervening. And hopefully, you can let him know that speaking in a sensitive manner seems to be a real challenge for her. It'll come with time, but maybe not at the same rate as everyone else.

Our second daughter is extremely intense. When she was a year old she slipped and fell, and when I went to comfort her she kicked me! It was the beginning of a long road for us, but she's made huge strides over the years. She's always been a wonderful little girl, but those moments where she was unable to navigate her own feelings could cause real tension in our house with everyone. Some days I was way more kind and loving in guiding her. On other days, less so. But that intensity is truly a gift for her and all of us around her. As she gets older we get more and more benefits from it.

Your little girl needs the two of you to smother her with love and give the message that you love her no matter what. I don't believe that parenting is an equal relationship. I think that we parents need to absorb and overlook the missteps that our children make as they grow. Everyone has areas of their personalities that are more challenging. Your little one will learn tact and grace as she gets older. But hey, I know plenty of adults who aren't a whole lot better than your dd :-)

I'm not trying to be harsh, but your dh is expecting a 3 yo to not only manage her own intense feelings and correctly verbalize them, but also manage his feelings. I think that's a really tall order for such a little person. If I had to respond to your post with one sentence it would be..."she's 3!" If you show her understanding and guide her now, they'll have an amazing relationship over the years. If he takes it personally now, it'll strain the relationship.

Raising Our Children, Raising Ourselves by Naomi Aldort is a great read.

Thank you. I have some of the same reaction too (she's 3!) and I think you're right that she doesn't know always how to verbalize what she's feeling and they may very well be part of it. But sometimes she's not upset or angry, she just says things to him like "get off my bed!" when he's trying to read her a story. The "go away" happens a lot and I've told her that it's okay to ask someone to leave or not to play but not to say "go away!" because that hurts people's feelings. I actually said some of the same things you mentioned about how she would be sad if someone said that to her but I think that's truly above her head right now but maybe if I keep saying it, she'll understand eventually.

She loves to play with him and we do smother her with love (most of the time) but it is really difficult when she's being very difficult!!

[Cuckoomamma]

"She loves to play with him and we do smother her with love (most of the time) but it is really difficult when she's being very difficult!!"

I know! I just want to encourage you to stay on that path and know that all your and dh's efforts will pay off. Those difficult kids are just super intense. And while she may not be angry at the time, her feelings and verbal ability may just not line up. Keep giving her the actual words that you want her to use. It may be awhhile, but she'll get there!

[goldenpig]

You are not alone. We have to deal with this ALL.THE.TIME. DD has always preferred me and sometimes is really mean to DH. She will say really hurtful things like "Daddy go away, I'm not your friend" or "I love Mommy, I love baby, I love Grandma. I don't love you Daddy." Or she won't hug and kiss him unless I make her, and then DH still feels upset because he knows she's not doing it spontaneously. I try to coach her on how to be nice to him, like whisper, "Go say hi to daddy and say I love you and give him a hug and kiss," and she'll go give him a half-hearted hug and peck and then turn to me and say, "OK mommy, I did it." :bag

I posted a very similar post here a while ago:
http://windsorpeak.com/vbulletin/showthread.php?t=339320
It was so frustrating because I wanted them to spend more time together, but every time they did they would end up mad at each other so I wasn't sure if it was helping or not.

I keep hoping that she'll magically hit that "in love with daddy" phase but it hasn't happened yet. Now that she's older I'm trying to get her to see how it feels when she says mean things. Like PP mentioned, I ask her, "How would you feel if someone said that to you?" and she'll say things like "Sad" or "Angry". So she's starting to get it, but it still takes a lot of coaching and reinforcement. I just keep reminding her over and over again to be nice and coach her on what to do/say to DH (even if he doesn't like me doing it).

However, I will say that it is starting to get a little better now (she's almost 4)...there are times when she really does tell him she loves him and hugs/kisses him on her own without me telling her first. They are starting to get along better. And tonight, she wasn't listening to me and I was getting fed up with her attitude, so DH took over the bedtime routine with her and they were snuggled up in bed together laughing when I came in and she said, "Daddy, can you stay with me a little longer?" So, there's hope. It really is tough but hopefully it will get better soon for your daughter & DH. I agree, it's really hard on DH, so just keep reminding him that she is only 3 and to try not to take it too personally. Hang in there!