How to say NO to well-meaning gifts?

[fedoragirl]

My MIL has always given DD tons of clothes as gifts ever since she was born. They are not my style but I put them on DD because they were gifts. Some, which I hated, I just left in the closet since she didn't live near us to know whether DD had worn them or not. I feel very bad if I don't use someone's gift because they obviously gave it lovingly.
However, now that we live next door to MIL, the gifts have increased (as in 20 outfits for each season plus shoes) and if I don't put them on DD, I am sure she is going to ask. Recently, she gave 2 pairs of shoes that are a pretty expensive brand, but they are very ugly (IMO), and DD will not wear them because I won't put them on her.
How do I learn to politely say no to all these gifts of clothes and shoes? DH has told her before not to buy DD clothes since she outgrows them fast, but MIL now just buys bigger sized clothes.
I can't say anything to MIL because a)I have a formal relationship with her and b) we don't speak the same language and the polite tones may get lost in translation.
So how do I say NO or ask DH to convey the message firmly?

[TwinFoxes]

It seems like this is a pretty common problem, but I think your situation is complicated by proximity, and probably cultural differences. I feel for you, I think you're in a horrible position (literally and figuratively...next door? wow!) Anyway, what's been the reaction since you moved in to you not putting your DD in her clothes? Does she mind/notice?

[MoJo]

1) Would she ever go shopping with you (online or IRL) to see what YOU like? Maybe you could at least get her buying things that would be more your style. I think that tactic would go over well with both my mom and my MIL.

2) Would she respond well to "DD already has so many clothes. . . what she really needs is books, toys, a college fund, etc?"

3) Accept that because you have a DD (I have two), many people think one of the most wonderful things in the world is to buy them clothes. But hopefully she will buy fewer that you hate.

4) Hope that in another year or two, your DD will start expressing her own style. . . and that it matches yours vs your MILs. My three year old has had a marked preference for stripes for at least a year. Then you can honestly tell her that DD likes X better/complains about Y/doesn't like to wear Z.

Here's hoping you don't get another season of stuff she won't wear!

[momm]

Would you be able to say that you prefer your DD to try clothes to see if they fit her?

Just like all clothes our size may not *fit* us in terms of hip/ waist/ whatever, like that, some clothes may not fit your DD even if they are the correct size? So you can suggest she take you and DD shopping when she wants to buy her clothes, then you can run intervention on the ones you don't like?

Hope something works out!

[JBaxter]

Can you have a conversation with your MIL something like.... You know MIL "X" brand / style really fits DD well. If you ever see any on sale let me know those are very comfy on her.
*** Later conversation... BOY were were shoe shopping w/ DD and its hard to find a pair that fits her well. I'll never be able to buy her a pair with out her trying them on first.

THink dropping subtle hints will help?

[jacksmomtobe]

You are in a tough situation where you do not speak the same language so you can't get a way with any real subtle ways to change this situation. It's hard since many Grandparents/older people (my kids have an older couple at church) like to buy things for little kids but they don't always realize what works for kids.

I think shoes would be easiest to address since shoes are a less standard item and just getting the right size doesn't mean they will fit. I would have DH say something like you & he have found that some of the shoes she bought just don't fit properly that its best that she not buy shoes for your dd.

Are these outfits normal clothing but just not yours style? Often older people buy more frou frou dresses etc that just don't work in real life for real kids. Since your DD isn't old enough to express her own opinion you might be able to say that she seems to have issues with the feel of certain clothing (gets fidgety, has a reaction to, tries to take off, etc) and that you have found x brand works.

Or as another poster suggested say that she already has enough clothing...maybe talk with DH and figure out an alternative that you think MIL might like to give to DD since she seems to enjoying shopping for/giving to DD. I would probably specifcy an alternative so that she doesn't go out and buy too much of something ie toys and then drive you crazy with that. Books, money for college are good ideas. Or since she speaks another language maybe somethinig special related to that culture ie saving up for a trip to the country when DD reaches a certain age or funding DD going to some type of local culturally related program. CDs of songs in that language, etc...

Good Luck!

[karstmama]

ooh, i think jacksmom hit a great idea! see if she'll take up the mantle of 'giver of my/ my ds's/my dgd's cultural heritage'!

[fedoragirl]

Thank you for all your suggestions. DH has suggested tons of alternatives to her. He has said she has many clothes and that I usually buy her clothes in advance from the U.S. She just doesn't want to get it.
She took DD shoe shopping while I was at the OB GYN for my appt. So, yes she'll take DD to try on shoes as long as I am not with her. She is very stubborn and set in her ways and she doesn't like to be told to buy something that her DIL might like. I just find it resentful that she buys SO MANY clothes for DD that I feel she dresses my child. In the past, I just gritted my teeth and bore it. And what irks me too is that these are not cheap clothes. We have hinted to her to put that money for DD in savings or whatever, and she listens to us for about 6 months, and then we go back to where we started.
DH doesn't feel great either. He feels caught in the middle. He doesn't like that she buys so much but he understands that she gives it with love. And I understand that, but when can I put my foot down?
We'll try the shopping together method but I know she won't go for it.
We asked her to return the shoes because they have LACES! I am not bothering with that at 18 months. I hope she got the hint for now.

[Clarity]

I don't think that you should feel obligated to dress your child in the clothes. If you find an outfit acceptable, use it. Otherwise set it aside and don't worry about whether or not MIL sees your dd in the clothing. Perhaps NOT seeing her in the clothing will send the firmest message. If she asks, tell her that you really appreciated the clothing but that it wasn't quite what you were looking for. If you keep dressing her in clothes that MIL buys but that you do not like, MIL will keep buying those clothes.

[egoldber]

I don't think that you should feel obligated to dress your child in the clothes. If you find an outfit acceptable, use it. Otherwise set it aside and don't worry about whether or not MIL sees your dd in the clothing.

I agree. I wouldn't say anything more, because you have already made your feelings known. I would dress her in what you like, regardless of who bought it.

[pinkmomagain]

I don't think that you should feel obligated to dress your child in the clothes. If you find an outfit acceptable, use it. Otherwise set it aside and don't worry about whether or not MIL sees your dd in the clothing. Perhaps NOT seeing her in the clothing will send the firmest message. If she asks, tell her that you really appreciated the clothing but that it wasn't quite what you were looking for. If you keep dressing her in clothes that MIL buys but that you do not like, MIL will keep buying those clothes.

I agree with this 100%.

[barkley1]

I would take the clothes back to the store for a credit (if she doesn't give you the receipt) and get something you like. Or, if you have enough already, find some way to use it towards baby gifts, etc...(not sure what type of store she's buying from...?)

[94bruin]

I'll say that I've been dealing with this with my MIL as well. It all started with my niece. I remember my BIL very emphatically telling her that she did NOT need to buy like 10 dresses for her. Because A) they were travelling on an airplane and how would the extra outfits fit in their suitcases. B) That there was no way that she'd be able to wear all the dresses before she outgrew them. Plus at her age, there were not enough occassions to wear such nice outfits.

Now with my kids, she doesn't buy them nearly as much, but she still buys them quite a few outfits that I don't dress them in. I pretty much just dress them in the clothes I find acceptable and store away the ones I don't. I have no idea which stores she shops at. The brands are not the high end brands.


I can tell you the way NOT tell to her. Do not have your mother tell her that she shouldn't bother to buy the kids clothes. Apparently, my MIL took great offense that my mom was telling her what she should/should not buy. My mom is very direct and in her words, was just being practical and trying to help MIL save money. However, MIL heard it another way and was greatly offended.


However, this past time, she was telling us that if we didn't like a particular outfit to let her know since she "spent a lot of money on it." Um, yeah, like that'll go over well. It's sitting in my daughter's closet with the tags still on it.

In the end, we just don't say anything. Luckily, there are a few pieces here and there that are acceptable (mainly the PJs and the coats), so MIL, who lives a few towns away, has seen her wear them.

[TxCat]

I don't think that you should feel obligated to dress your child in the clothes. If you find an outfit acceptable, use it. Otherwise set it aside and don't worry about whether or not MIL sees your dd in the clothing. Perhaps NOT seeing her in the clothing will send the firmest message. If she asks, tell her that you really appreciated the clothing but that it wasn't quite what you were looking for. If you keep dressing her in clothes that MIL buys but that you do not like, MIL will keep buying those clothes.

I also agree with this. We have a similar problem, although not quite to the same extent. My SIL, with whom I don't have the greatest history, always gives gifts of clothing to DD. Some of it is just not my style, and some of it is just sort of random - it's definitely EOS sale clothing, which I'm glad that she's getting a bargain on, but it ends up being a total hodge-podge of things that don't go together in any sort of way, and often doesn't go with what I already have, so I'm left with lots of disparate pieces of clothing. I use what I can, leave the tags on the rest, and plan on either selling through consignment/Ebay or donating. At this point, I don't feel like I can dictate what kind of gift SIL chooses to give, but I can choose whether or not to use it.

[MamaMolly]

It sounds to me like MILs love language is gifts. And she is pushy. I get it, my mom and sister do the same thing to me. They buy matching holiday outfits for my DD and the niece. The thing is, we have very different tastes, and I resent the assumption that they ought to be buying DD's Christmas and Easter dresses. Now that we have a second daughter, I'm really pushing back on this one.

Ok so they mean well, right? I get that it is annoying and you feel like you 'ought' to put the outfits on DD, but seriously? I wouldn't do it unless I really wanted to make a nice gesture on that particular day.

DD is YOUR child and you need to draw the line, at least in your own head, for your own peace of mind. I here by release you from any feeling of obligation. No matter what your MIL may or may not think about it. That is HER burden, not yours.

[Melaine]

Honestly, (might get flamed for this) but it sounds like you have been polite enough and clear enough with her. What I would do if the outfits and shoes are really not something you can use, is I would save a couple that you hate the least, and I would sell the rest on craigslist in a big lot. Then I would take that money and apply towards savings or buying something big for DD that she can actually use but that you wouldn't be able to afford. I don't know about your situation, but we are in tight quarters and I do not have storage space for clothing that will never get worn. I sell things immediately once they have no use for us. JMO, that sounds really awkward!

[MamaSnoo]

I don't think that you should feel obligated to dress your child in the clothes. If you find an outfit acceptable, use it. Otherwise set it aside and don't worry about whether or not MIL sees your dd in the clothing. Perhaps NOT seeing her in the clothing will send the firmest message. If she asks, tell her that you really appreciated the clothing but that it wasn't quite what you were looking for. If you keep dressing her in clothes that MIL buys but that you do not like, MIL will keep buying those clothes.

Another :yeahthat:

I have the same problem with my MIL, but there is no language barrier (just a communication barrier ;))
I have completely given up trying to talk to her about it. She is on a fixed income and cannot afford what she is buying. But, me saying anything has never worked out well. I say thank you, and DD wears it if I like it. I pass along an item if I do not like it or if it does not fit.

Some things that are comfy, but NMS (ugly Minnie Mouse t-shirt, for example), go into the daycare wardrobe because I do not have to care about destroying them. Art clothes are another good use for these ugly, comfy things.

Fancy, itchy dresses that DD has no place to wear hang in the closet until I give them away. When we need something for a special occasion, I look at what MIL has given, and if I do not like anything, I shop for something myself.

So, I would say: dress your daughter how you want; do not confront your MIL. Not worth the pain.

[HannaAddict]

You have to accept that you cannot control what she buys your daughter as gifts, you just can't do it. If she wanted to do savings for college, she would. She doesn't, so all you can do is just accept that, it is a gift. Don't view it as an entitlement to the value (if that makes sense? not sure what other word to use besides "entitlement"). Don't keep it if you don't like it, or have your daughter wear anything you don't like. I donate most of what my MIL gives us, she doesn't do much and it isn't expensive and is generally from the Navy Exchange so no possible way to return it. I just say thank you so much, set it to the side and it goes out the door to our local family services baby store (where homeless or transitional families can get things for their children). I don't worry that I don't have the cash value, I didn't like the item and it is just out of site, out of mind. Easy come, easy go, it was a gift so I have no expectations, if that makes sense. Once in awhile there will be something okay, and we took a photo of baby in the Santa suit she sent. But most of it, tags on it and all, are donated. Someone else will appreciate it and the time and energy of craiglist or ebay or some other used clothing venue is not worth my time or aggravation. Just let it go, there is nothing you can say to change her.