WWYD: Coworker exploded at boss

[mjs64]

I'll try to make this long story short. I work at a university part-time as I am finishing research for my dissertation. In the past, I have taught, but my new position involves overseeing teaching assistants university-wide, so my new duties are more administrative--and now, as I've not in the past, I work in an office, report to a boss, etc. My position gives me full funding for tuition, plus a paycheck, plus health insurance. In short, I need it.

My boss, however, is terrible. She is a micro-manager, frequently insults us (my coworkers and I) personally--comments about appearance, etc., and constantly changes her mind about what our duties entail, leaving us a) confused and b) subject to anger when we fail to interpret correctly what she wants from us. There has been a lot of turnover in these positions in the past. I am not the only person who feels this way. In fact, another coworker recently EXPLODED at the office when I wasn't there, yelling, I hear, for 30 minutes, calling my boss a racist (arguably she is), etc. He also said to her however that I agreed with him--that "Megan feels the same way." !!! What?!?

While I do agree with him to some extent (and had shared my feelings, I thought, privately), I would never have addressed the situation in that way--so unprofessionally. Would never have yelled. Would never have accused. Frankly, I was planning to keep these feelings to myself, as the position is only for the rest of the academic year, after which I will have completed my PhD and will hopefully have gained full-time employment in my field.

The problem is, since this incident (last Friday), my coworker has been ostracized. And I spent an hour this morning convincing my boss that no, I did not agree with him, that I was very happy with my job, etc. I just don't want to stir the pot. I don't think it's worth it; I just want to go home at the end of the day and be with DS. But I felt like a total chickensh*t for convincing my boss that I disagreed with him completely. For the rest of the day, everyone was whispering behind his back, and I felt like I had to choose sides. And I chose the evil boss's side. I didn't even look at him, which is sad, because I like and respect him, though I don't think he handled the matter appropriately.

I feel like I sold him out in a way, since I do agree with him. But he doesn't have a family, a baby, is what the other half of me thinks. WWYD? What should I do? Continue to ignore him? I don't know how to express my sympathy to him without looking as though I'm on "his side"?

Being a newbie to office politics, I have no idea what to do. Am I a complete jerk? I feel like it.

[wellyes]

He put you in a terrible position. You have the right to be angry at him.

I am sorry your boss made you answer to his comments, that was not appropriate either.

You're between a rock and a hard place, and I think you've handled yourself as well as anyone could. Just be glad it's not forever!

[elektra]

I think this type of thing probably happens often. Maybe not to the extent of yelling and accusations of racism, but where someone (ex. your co-worker) speaks on behalf of someone else (you) without their knowledge or consent.
I probably would have tried to tap dance a bit, and let the boss know that yes, it's true that you do think she could be clearer about certain projects, or that comments about appearance make you uncomfortable, but that overall you feel like you are doing great work together, blah blah, and you don't think she is an effing B or whatever your co-worker called her. But only you were there and you knew the vibe and what the appropriate thing to say was.
And I know you feel bad like your co-worker should be mad at you for "selling him out". But I think you actually have a case to be mad at him. I don't think you need to apologize for anything.
You can let him know that you were planning on handling the matter completely differently, and that he should have never spoken on your behalf without your knowledge. He put you in a tough spot, and it's only natural that you would want to protect your own interests. It's not like he told you he was going in for his big confrontation and he needed your backup. He was on his own.

[jenfromnj]

He put you in a terrible position. You have the right to be angry at him.

I am sorry your boss made you answer to his comments, that was not appropriate either.

You're between a rock and a hard place, and I think you've handled yourself as well as anyone could. Just be glad it's not forever!

:yeahthat:

Lamenting to your colleagues (or commiserating with them) about your boss is one thing, to use something said during such a lament as ammunition in a screaming attack directed at your boss, is something else entirely. You only had to defend yourself because HE acted completely inappropriately and unprofessionally, and put you in a no-win situation.

[hillview]

He put you in a terrible position. You have the right to be angry at him.

I am sorry your boss made you answer to his comments, that was not appropriate either.

You're between a rock and a hard place, and I think you've handled yourself as well as anyone could. Just be glad it's not forever!
:yeahthat:
I might let your coworker know that you need this job. Something like "Co-worker, I really need this job, in another situation I might do or say something different but I really need this job" and leave it at that. Your co-worker was unprofessional and dragged you into his lack of appropriate work behavior. As I always tell myself at work when I don't like my boss or a situation -- the door is over there, you can walk out anytime but until you do, you serve at the pleasure of the business and your boss.
/hillary

[hellokitty]

Wow, this situation really sucks. I'd tell the co-worker who blew his top that you do not appreciate him DRAGGING you into his rant and now having to deal with the consequences of what HE said. You already spoke to your boss about not agreeing with your ranting co-worker (and btw, I feel for you, b/c my DH's superior sounds really similar to your boss, everyone hates his guts, but he is at liberty to go around being a huge bigot and jerk), and then just distance yourself from the situation as much as possible until all of this dies down. I hope your boss will not hold it against you, however your lovely co-worker pretty much threw you under the truck, and your boss sounds like an a$$, so unfortunately, you'll just have to be on your best behavior and watch your back that the boss doesn't try to take some of this out on you.

[waitingforgrace]

I think you did everything you could. Your co-worker screwed up big time and threw you under the bus too. I would be completely ticked at co-worker. I know you said you like and respect him but I would not after this incident. I mean really he had to know nothing good was going to come from having a huge, emotional outburst at the boss. I think you should keep your distance from him and keep a low profile when it comes to venting about the your boss.

The truth is many bosses suck and we all either have to suck it up and deal or leave. It's always a choice. Say what you need to to smooth things over with your boss and hope everyone moves on quickly.

[JustMe]

I agree with others that it is a sucky situation. I do not feel like you are selling out by smoothing things over with your boss. Your co-worker should not have brought you in to it and, if you were going to address these things, this is not how you would do it.

I do wonder if there's anything that could be done about the racism. That is unacceptable, and there should be official avenues in place at your university to address that. I understand that you just want to get through this year, but I do wonder about that part of things.

[JElaineB]

I agree with others that it is a sucky situation. I do not feel like you are selling out by smoothing things over with your boss. Your co-worker should not have brought you in to it and, if you were going to address these things, this is not how you would do it.

I do wonder if there's anything that could be done about the racism. That is unacceptable, and there should be official avenues in place at your university to address that. I understand that you just want to get through this year, but I do wonder about that part of things.

I agree with this. I think this might be a good time to report your boss to HR or to "Equal Opportunity and Diversity", whatever the appropriate channel is, assuming you can make an anonymous report. I would imagine most universities do not tolerate managers who are racist. The university where I work specifically requires each professional staff member to have language related to diversity and inclusion in his or her job description. Another avenue would be a university ombudsperson if you have one, though I'm not sure if you could remain anonymous in that process are they often act as a mediator, though it would be worth looking into.

ETA: I just looked at our ombudsperson website and it looks to be completely confidential, unless you decide otherwise, so if you have one at your campus that might be a good place to start if your's has a similar policy. You could also discuss your co-worker's behavior with them, and your general office climate.

[larig]

I agree with others that it is a sucky situation. I do not feel like you are selling out by smoothing things over with your boss. Your co-worker should not have brought you in to it and, if you were going to address these things, this is not how you would do it.

I do wonder if there's anything that could be done about the racism. That is unacceptable, and there should be official avenues in place at your university to address that. I understand that you just want to get through this year, but I do wonder about that part of things.

:yeahthat: there ought to be a way for him to get his complaints addressed. I know how powerless you feel as a grad student counting on the assistantship for money. It sucks.

[ewpmsw]

He put you in a terrible position. You have the right to be angry at him.

I am sorry your boss made you answer to his comments, that was not appropriate either.

You're between a rock and a hard place, and I think you've handled yourself as well as anyone could. Just be glad it's not forever!

This, and sorry for the BTDT, but don't vent about it or casually discuss it with other coworkers. It's tempting to let off steam and try to process the situation, but keeping it to yourself is the best way to not stir the pot. It's an awkward situation, for sure. I hope it resolves itself for the better very soon.

[ha98ed14]

I agree with PPs. He did put you in a terrible position. He should never have repeated what you told him even if he was angry. It was not his info to share. IIWY, I would take this as a lesson learned: Do not talk politics with your co workers. No matter how much someone complains to you, stay neutral. You can be a supportive listening ear while keeping your own thoughts private. He outed you, but you sold him out. And he knows that you just lied point blank to your bosses face. I understand why you did it, and I do not think there was going to be any good way out of this situation. But I can't see a way to recover the relationship.

[jacksmomtobe]

I think your co-worker did put you in an awkward position. When I originally read your post I took it as that your boss approached you on whether you felt the same way as your co-worker and if that's the case I think your boss also acted somewhat unappropriately because that was really a personnel matter that didn't need to be discussed further with you. However now in re-reading your post I'm not sure that is how that interaction occurred. Everything is easier in hindsight rather than when you were put on the spot. I think you should have tried to be brief and gotten out of the conversation with your boss. I think I would avoid getting into any conversations with your boss where you are inadvertently supporting her actions. Try to shift the conversation to the work at hand or upcoming projects.

Your co-worker did act unprofessional by reacting the way he did but it sounds like there are underlying issues there that led to his reaction. Your boss is not acting professionally either and is crossing boundaries she shouldn't. If there is a way for you to relay to another party who can help that there are issues with the dept I would suggest going that route. Maybe if you are concerned about your job security this is something you do when you are leaving. Maybe think about how to relay the issues in a constructive manner ie the dept would be more productive if instructions and priorities were relayed in a clearer manner, etc. Sounds like it may be a tough environment for a while.

good luck!

[mjs64]

Thanks for all of the replies. Jacksmomtobe, the boss did approach me and asked me to answer to his comments. Since I wasn't there when the incident occurred, I had no idea that this had happened or that my name had been mentioned until Monday morning, when my boss approached me and shut the door. I was blindsided, didn't know how to respond, and mostly was scared for my own job security, which is why I acted the way I did. I honestly don't know exactly what happened that day--it's all hearsay.

Reading all the replies I'm glad you all think that I have a right to be irked with the coworker. But again, I don't know what happened. I could, as PPs suggested, see the ombudsperson. That may be an option. Like I said, there has been high turnover in this position in the past. A friend of mine held this position last year until she quit for very similar reasons to my coworker's. She filed a report with the dean regarding the same boss. Others have quit as well. I think looking back my boss was a little worried that I too would file a report. I think she's a bit concerned. But from what I've heard, the department and dean don't seem to want to take action. Knowing she would likely be difficult going in, I had already kind of resigned myself to a tough year and planned to keep my head down. I just really need this funding. Looks like it's going to be even harder than I thought.

And yes, lesson learned regarding avoiding venting to coworkers.

I think I'm not going to do anything further. I just don't know what I really have to gain here.

[dogmom]

I think part of the problem is you don't know the context of which, "and X agrees with me" was uttered. It's one thing if starts out with "I'm here to say you are a lousy boss, and X agrees with me." It is another thing if the co-worker tried to address issues, such as the racism, and it got out of control. I can totally imagine a boss like that saying something like, "You are crazy and playing the race card" 20 minutes into it and an co-worker might say something like, "Well X agrees with me" in his defense. You only have your boss to go by, and she has clearly displayed she is not trustworthy. Heck, she might have lied about the whole thing. (I'm not clear if you have talked to your coworker about what he said.) I guess the issue I have with the PP insisting the coworker was unprofessional and you should never share these thoughts with a coworker is it always gives the power to bad management then. Employees should not be held to higher standards of professionalism than their management. Employees should not feel that they can never discuss problems in a work place out of fear, people do need to stand up. I also understand that their is a balance and some coworkers can be toxic with their complaints. But it does sound like you think you coworker had valid complaints, just that you feel someone trapped and cannot express them.

Here's the reality, it is unlikely your boss can get you fired in an University system in the time you have left. It is also my experience that bad managers are so bad they tend not to do the kind of documentation it takes to actually fire someone to HR's satisfaction in a timely manner, so you are probably doubly safe. She sounds like someone that you might not want to get a reference from in the first place because she doesn't sound like you would know what she would say about you. Just try to get through the next few months, do your job, and don't take crap from her. If she tries to engage you again practice what you will say. Something like, "I really don't want to discuss this anymore, but I would like to discuss some questions about X task." If she persists just say you would be more comfortable discussing this with a 3rd party present, that should make her back off. I would also take the time to write out the issue you have with her as a manager and a narrative of the conversation involving the co-worker. Email it to yourself so you have a time date stamp. The exercise of putting it to paper will be good to clarify things for yourself, use as concrete examples as you can manage, and it will help protect you in the future.

So, you may very well feel like you have caved when blindsided and backed into a corner. However, that doesn't mean you can't take some control over the situation and conduct yourself in a manner that you can feel good about years later.