Parenting advice needed on how to get DD to stop saying "I am sorry..."

[plusbellelavie]

DD is 9 yrs old and in 5th Grade..she is happy, polite, well liked and smart and stubborn but she has what "I" consider a bad habit of apologizing for everything and anything she does EXCEPT when she is really wrong!

Usually the first words out of her mouth are "I am sorry...." Example yesterday afternoon after school "I am sorry I got a 96% on my Math test."

Last night she ate her dessert and then when DS was disappointed there was no more she apologized for eating all of hers!!

This morning she opened a door and hit herself in the head and says to me "I am sorry!"....

I tried to talk to her about this habit and to point it out to her but it hasn't changed/improved IMO.

However if DD does something really wrong....like hit her brother, is caught reading instead of doing what she is suppose to be doing at the time, or insisting she is right even when she has been "proven" wrong she WILL NOT apologize much less acknowledge that she made a mistake! Or if she does apologize it is IMO false...."I was made to do it" type thing.

So I would really really like some insights on how to improve this from the experts on the BBB!

I don't want to change her personality but I don't want her apologize for being smart, being right, being hurt etc....I want her to realize that it is okay to be those things but it is also "smart" to know when to apologize when you are wrong/incorrect/or hurt someone etc.

BTW I have adult women friends who I deem to be very successful/smart women who do the same thing and it drives me crazy because I personally think it belittles them and I guess just don't want DD to become "one" of them!

I hope I have explained myself....I would really like some guidance because this is really bothering me!! Thanks

[egoldber]

I am working on EXACTLY this issue with my older DD right now. Her therapist and I both think this is a self esteem issue and we are working on ways to address it by helping to build her self esteem. We are also giving her specific coaching on what are things you do need to apologize for vs. things you don't. I think part of it is also the age (my DD is also in 5th grade) and the shift in hormones and the growing awareness of themselves in their social sphere.

In my DD's case, we know there is also an element of depression along with her anxiety. Not that I think your DD is depressed or anxious! Just be aware that this type of behavior can be linked to depression and anxiety.

[plusbellelavie]

Thank you Beth I was hoping you would chime in!

Perhaps it is a self esteem issue...although she appears to "me" to have a healthy view of herself and her abilities and doesn't mind being "different" but doesn't like to be wrong either! She is very competitive but it usually "against" herself it that makes sense but she can be quite competitive when it comes to her brother who is just 2yrs older then her and his abilities.

I would say that last year we were dealing with a bit of depression/anxiety issues with her but her teacher, her doctor, and even us felt it was more due to the fact that we moved backed from France and DD took it the hardest because she felt that France was where her home/friends/life was. But this year she "seems" to be settled but maybe I should revisit this with her doctor and her teacher.

Can you tell me some of things you do at home with your DD to make her more aware of it and perhaps to change it a bit? I would just really like to stop apologizing for doing well or for being hurt....

[3isEnough]

BTW I have adult women friends who I deem to be very successful/smart women who do the same thing and it drives me crazy because I personally think it belittles them and I guess just don't want DD to become "one" of them.

This is a tangent, but when I first started practicing law I noticed that none of the male attorneys I dealt with ever said they were sorry, even when they were clearly in the wrong (e.g. forgot a meeting scheduled with me, were 20 mins late for a meeting, etc.). They would just explain that they got hung up on something else and then move along in the conversation. I thought that was so strange, but I also realized I needed to adopt the same strategy. Sometimes it's difficult not to apologize, such as when I'm late for a meeting or something, but I have to force myself not to do it. I know that likely sounds strange, but it does seem to undermine the apologizer's authority if they apologize.

Of course, that's purely in a business setting. In my personal life, my own mantra is that if I am sorry about something, no matter what it is, I should apologize.

OP, unfortunately I don't have any specific suggestions for your DD, but as usual Beth's input sounds spot on. I just wanted to comment on your statement about your adult women friends, because I agree with you!

Good luck with your DD.

[egoldber]

Perhaps it is a self esteem issue...although she appears to "me" to have a healthy view of herself and her abilities and doesn't mind being "different" but doesn't like to be wrong either! She is very competitive but it usually "against" herself it that makes sense but she can be quite competitive when it comes to her brother who is just 2yrs older then her and his abilities.


I think that the perfectionist, Type A personality plays into it a bit. Even when you are doing well, you are always mentally comparing yourself against what (in your mind) was a better result.

Things we are doing to help DD with this are.....

- explicit coaching on things that should be apologized for vs. not

- DH and I are pointing out faults and and flaws in ourselves

- making a point of saying when something is "good enough" vs. being the very best is could possibly be

- trying to model perfectionism ourselves (this may be the hardest one :o )