I'm at wits end with my almost 3 year old

[Philoscript]

Hi,

The title says it all. She's going to be 3 years old next month and she's becoming a brat. My sweet little girl who would help me is becoming independent and it shows. I know a lot of the behavior is the age, but I need to reign some of it in. She refuses to listen to anything we say. She refuses to eat dinner (meals I know she loves). She runs away when it's bedtime and refuses to brush her teeth, get ready, etc. She doesn't want to potty train (even though she asked me to). She whines incessantly when she doesn't get her way or if you don't do what she wants when she wants it. She talks back to me. She is only 2, almost 3. If it's this bad now, how am I going to deal with the teenage years? When I do discipline her, I put her in time out. She never stays in the spot I leave her. She leaves it within a few seconds and I've counted putting her back silently was over 50 times. She's persistant. I've taken toys for timeout for 2 days at a time when she doesn't pick up her toys with help. Nothing phases her. In the past few weeks I'll admit out of frustration I've smacked her (I'm not proud of this nor do I want this to happen. I'm also pregnant and short tempered.) Even this does not phase her.

How can I get her to listen to us again? I know a lot of it had to do with me on bed rest and failure to discipline correctly, but is there a way to reign this in now? I'm frustrated and still not feeling well. I can't pick her up due to doc's orders.

Any help is greatly appreciated. Any ideas?

[anonomom]

Yep, she sounds like a 3 year old. I'm so sorry, I know that it is rough. But this too shall pass. It did for my dd, who turned 3 last month. She can still be frustrating, but it is not as bad as it was a few months ago when I posted on here about how bad she was being.

[Mommy2Two]

Sounds just like mine. Hang in there, it goes get better!

[lmh2402]

yes, this is us. DS will be 3 in one month. i am also pregnant and short-tempered

and we are in a rough patch to say the least. he does not listen to anything. nothing. and discipline is...a joke, basically.

best success i've had is if i just become very flat and walk away. like, "come here now. if you don't come by the time i reach 3, i'm leaving."

and then i will leave. leave his room, if i'm trying to dress him. leave him in the bathroom if i'm trying to brush his teeth.

that usually gets him. and he will come running to find me. but it's not 100% of the time.

i'm just biding my time and hoping with all my might that "it's a phase."

[janine]

sounds like mine. I am also short tempered but not pregnant (although I do have a 4 month old). Mine got worse once the baby arrived since it was all of the above combined with jealousy.

I take solace that we are not alone and therefore it is hopefully a phase and the sweet girl is the *real* one (praying or else teenage years will be hell - I have another DD!).

So no solutions, just managing myself. Mine also is stubborn so when I say you "won't get x or y" she says she doesn't want it anyway. I was considering a reward chart, but never actually got one going...

[eno0609]

Our DS who will be 3 later this month, has been extra challenging for the past 6 months or so. I'm hanging onto hope that it will get better as well...I've stopped doing time-outs lately because I find that they just don't work on him, instead I try to talk to him about why he's is doing what he is doing (or shouldn't be doing) once he is calm. Lately he has been in a throwing phase when he is angry. I actually think things have gotten better since I've stopped the time-outs. DH disagrees, but I think it's because he still resorts to time-outs which is when his frustration sets in.

This book has been helpful for me (I haven't finished it yet though) Discipline Without Distress:
http://www.amazon.com/Discipline-Without-Distress-responsible-punishment/dp/0978050908/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1331060579&sr=1-1

It discusses what behaviours are age appropriate and made me realize that some things that we expect of DS, he is not yet developmentally ready for. It also says that kids don't develop impulse control until about 3.5. This was really helpful, we kept comparing DS to DD when she was his age and now are realizing that DD was mature for her age and just different. It also talks about kids acting out when their needs aren't being met - especially for attention. I have found that his behaviour is better when I give him attention when he needs it even if it means putting away the laptop, book, or whatever I'm doing. Good Luck!

[StantonHyde]

3 year olds made me understand why child abuse occurs. Just sayin';)

[maestramommy]

except for the potty training, sounds a lot like my 2.5 yo. She runs away a lot, I'm always dressing her while she is in full motion. and this is when she's in a good mood. She's just super wiggly, and doesn't want to be still enough even to put on her favorite outfit. Brushing and flossing is still a uphill battle that I fight almost every single night. whining, tantruming, "NO!!!!!" is very common. A lot of screaming around here. She was self feeding at 18 months, and suddenly in the last month, "I can't feed myself! Feed me Mommyyyyyyyy!" At one point Dh said, "well she won't be doing this when she's 8." Damned right she won't.

yet she's super cute, super affectionate, her laughter is contagious, and she's smart as a whip. probably the reasons she's still alive :p

[ecofem]

For us, terrible twos was b.s. it was terrible threes. It gets better! Hang in there and just be consistent.

[twowhat?]

3 year olds made me understand why child abuse occurs. Just sayin';)
:yeahthat: I've posted probably too many times about how 3yo-isms have negatively impacted my quality of life. Just wait until you hit the classic tantrums...don't mean to be so negative about it but it is what it is! Power through!

[edurnemk]

Yep, she sounds like a 3 year old. I'm so sorry, I know that it is rough. But this too shall pass.

:yeahthat: 3 is HARD!!!!!!! With DS it was like someone flipped a switch the day he turned 3, I thought I'd loose my mind. After 3.5 it gradually starts to get better. Somebody on this board recently described them as "threenagers" and that is a perfectly accurate description IMO. We did a lot of putting him in his room to calm down at that age. Also if you can try to arrange for a lot to outdoor time, being cooped in the house makes it worse, I think. Be consistent, don0t engage in power struggles and arguments and go easy on yourself.

[Babymakes3]

I am going thru the exact same things with DS but it didn't get bad until he was closer to 3.5 and now it's just awful! Actually it started right around when he started going to speech, he's an angel at school i'm told but Look Out when he gets home!

Also, it seems that I stink at disciplining...

[magnoliaparadiso]

My DD1 just turned 4 and that can be challenging, too! I am trying to 1) lower my expectations; 2) be VERY clear about consequences and stick to them; 3) not freak out and lose it; 4) be loving, but firm; 5) give her a lot of leeway at night when she is tired and I usually deal by just pushing up the bedtime; 6) give us enough time so that life isn't about one rushing moment to the next (which I tend to do).

I have to say, my 'thing' is that I am very loving and then she does something and I feel like she is 'disrespecting' me. Like last night, she was picking her little sister (5 months) up (on the bed). I told her not to. She didn't even look up and continued to pick up her little sister. Repeat 8 times. At that point, I was furious - I just felt... so powerless. I am trying to work on reframing things so that I don't get into the power struggle (which I think is my stuff) and just realize that she is not as mature as I think she is and she is just doing her thing because she is focused on it - it's not personally AGAINST what I'm saying, it just happens to go against it.

Her preschool school counselor said, 'think of them like puppies - they aren't as smart as they look' - that made me laugh.

A work in progress. And of course, I have friends whose kids follow every.single.direction and I just think 'really?????'

[janine]

My DD1 just turned 4 and that can be challenging, too! I am trying to 1) lower my expectations; 2) be VERY clear about consequences and stick to them; 3) not freak out and lose it; 4) be loving, but firm; 5) give her a lot of leeway at night when she is tired and I usually deal by just pushing up the bedtime; 6) give us enough time so that life isn't about one rushing moment to the next (which I tend to do).

I have to say, my 'thing' is that I am very loving and then she does something and I feel like she is 'disrespecting' me. Like last night, she was picking her little sister (5 months) up (on the bed). I told her not to. She didn't even look up and continued to pick up her little sister. Repeat 8 times. At that point, I was furious - I just felt... so powerless. I am trying to work on reframing things so that I don't get into the power struggle (which I think is my stuff) and just realize that she is not as mature as I think she is and she is just doing her thing because she is focused on it - it's not personally AGAINST what I'm saying, it just happens to go against it.

Her preschool school counselor said, 'think of them like puppies - they aren't as smart as they look' - that made me laugh.

A work in progress. And of course, I have friends whose kids follow every.single.direction and I just think 'really?????'


I heard that about the f"ing 4's...and it scares me. I had an angel of a 2 year old who morphed into a devil of a 3 year old and I'm hoping it all stops at 4, probably naively.

Oh and love your post..can totally relate!

[Tinochka]

I started to attend a Child Development Associate course and what I found out, that apparently, we are not using and teaching to talk about feelings (pictures, stories), I think we more suppress them at a time, but sure that negative emotions will come then in tantrums “unexpectedly”. So much to do with ages and stages and learning to be independent.
I never knew how hard is a parenting job and constantly try to learn what I can do, so we can survive each other...

[ljackson]

I find that being silly will help some of the time with this sort of behaviour, although DS is a little younger than your DD so not sure if it will help you. If DS is refusing to get dressed/ let me dress him, I will say something like "come on now, put your socks on your ears" and pretend to do that. He usually giggles and tells me that they go on feet not ears and is happy to have them on his feet. Sometimes I pretend to use his toothbrush myself, or brush his fingernails with it or something else silly. Sometimes none of that works though and DS is just a screaming mess on the floor!

[MamaMolly]

I say the only cure for Lula being 3 was turning 4. And I'm surprised we both made it through sane and alive! :)

She sailed through her twos like a halo wearing angel. I thought I was the BEST parent in the world. Hhahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaaa! Then I got smacked upside the head with 3.

I have to disagree about the not as smart as they look comment, it is cute and correct in a way, but I prefer what MIL's pediatrician told her about DH going through the same phase: Remember they have all of our intelligence and NONE of our experience.

So things like me telling Lula to stop shaking the take out box of spaghetti means nothing to her. I can tell her she will spill it until I'm blue in the face and not dent that hard little head one bit. But the moment she shakes it and it spills, Ah-ha! There is the experience moment. But she has to do it herself. HAS TO. Just about drove me bananas.

[elephantmeg]

3 yo is when I re-borrowed the 1-2-3 magic DVD from the library. Firm, consistent, firm, consistent, firm consistent! We also got a time out pad too. It gets almost daily use around here and really eliminates having to stand over them while they are in time out. Worth its weight in gold!
http://www.amazon.com/Time-Out-Pad-HD015-Blue/dp/B001IMG5WG

1-2-3 magic
http://www.amazon.com/1-2-3-Magic-Managing-Difficult-Behavior/dp/1889140201/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1331126129&sr=8-1

[123LuckyMom]

3 is hard; there's no question! I'm in the 3s now with DS, and I find TIME is the key. When I try to barrel through to get out of the house or on to the next task, there is usually a problem. I have to stop and ask DS to "please say it again without whining", or talk to him about his feelings, or joke with him to lighten the mood. It's exhausting, but it works! The other thing is I really try to let him be very independent. So it takes 10 minutes for him to put his socks on-- I get to practice my deep, calming breathing!:). Also, I try hard not to say no unless it's really necessary. It's not that I'm permissive, it's just that I want to give DS a chance to make choices and feel like he gets some say in his own life. I find that a little leeway goes a long way towards ending a constantly oppositional dynamic. I also use timers to establish a third party authority. Mama and DS both have to obey the timer. It's not ME saying time is up, it's the timer! I also try very hard not to take it personally when he's mean to me. When he has calmed down I tell him he hurt my feelings. If he doesn't apologize, I ask him for an apology. He's never not given it wholeheartedly, but I do have to wait until peace has been restored. I have to believe that it gets better. For now, I just try to keep a sense of humor and leave double the amount of time I think it will take to accomplish anything so I have the space to handle things the way I want.

[peanut520]

did you happen to be looking through my window as you wrote? dd is the same with the exception that she is potty trained.

everyone has told me that terrible 2's are nothing in comparison to the 3’s. it is a phase and will end when she turns 4 from what I am told. dd just turned 3 2 weeks ago so I have a while to go, but she started this about 3 months ago. I have found making sure we have a timer for anything that needs transitions (play time to getting ready for bed, you have x time to eat lunch/dinner) and telling her my expectations then letting her figure it out but laying out the consequences. i also completely walk away for time outs and she moves that is fine since I figure she wants the attention, I just ignore her(I usually get some vacuuming done). When I’m at my wits end I give myself a time and sit for a few minutes by myself or read a few pages of a book, and I find that I can deal a bit better afterwards. i always remind myself of the great days we have and we do have them quite a bit but the bad days are just so bad.

:grouphug:
it will get better.

[Philoscript]

Thank you everyone for your comments. It's just been so bad lately with her that I've forgotten how sweet she can be. However, yesterday, when I wasn't feeling well she brought me some fruit from the fruit bowl to the couch (even though she isn't supposed to be climbing with the stool to the counter) and said that fruit makes her feel better. Also, I bought a lighted timer and said if she can beat the timer she'll get a treat. In this case, it was cleaning her room quick and she could read extra books with me before bed.

I feel like a lousy parent sometimes. I have to keep reminding myself that they don't come with manuals like a product or have a textbook dictating what I'm to learn. She's her own little person with her own ideas, whether or not they agree with mine. I'm supposed to guide her to function in this world. The problem comes in when I repeat myself I feel like I'm being disrespected, even though she's just focused on her activity or wanting attention. I get bent out of shape when this happens and have to back off before I make a mistake in disciplining. It all stems from my past, but it's the hardest thing to let go.

I am coming up with a plan on how to discipline for certain actions and creating house rules. She's been given chores to keep herself occupied (feed the cats and clean up her toys) and responsible. I'm trying to follow through, but it's really tough when I still feel lousy. I may let up on timeouts for a while, since they don't appear to be working. She repeats the behavior ten minutes later.

Thank you again.