Sibling etiquette questions relating to birthday parties...

[jerseygirl07067]

I have 3 girls, 8, 7, and almost 3. Often my 8 y/o will be invited to a party, and the 7 y/o is invited too, and vice versa. However, now that they're a bit older, I've told them that even though they're a sibling, they are not to go to the party unless they are friends with the birthday child. I just feel like they're old enough to know this and they seem to be okay with it.

Well it seems like a few of our friends don't have the same philosophy. I planned 7 y/o DD birthday with just 8 kids (3 of which were mine, so only 5 other kids) for a relaxing, low key party where we were going to make homemade chocolate, play games, paint nails etc. So I get a call from one parent asking if she could bring the other sibling (who is 4, almost 5), but was going to drop her off. Then, another parent texted DH last night just to find out what time the party started, and he said, "You can bring ***** over at 1:00".. She promptly texted back and said, you mean not ****** too? Are you serous?" Now granted this family does have my 7 y/o and 8 y/o over to play and we reciprocate though maybe not quite as much. But the other sibling is 4. That's a big difference. And that would really screw up the dynamic of our party. It was just going to be me doing it, and we don't have any help from grandparents at all since they're too far away or not just the helping type. To be fair and share to full story, she did recently have a party for her 4 y/o and our whole family was invited. But it was a different type of party, she went all out, and many relatives were there. Plus we were there too, not dropping of kids, so our kids would not be extra work. (This is also the same mom that drove my kids with her kids to the shopping center in her convertible without seat belts, but that is another topic altogether)

I felt badly about this, though I thought she was rude to just text that. It turns out we had to change the party venue since my 3 y/o had vomiting and diarrhea, and made a last minute change to Chuck E Cheese. (I hate that place, but what an easy party it was for me, no work at all!) Anyhow, I called her, and got her voice mail. I explained that if she would like to bring the younger sibling, that would be fine, we'd be happy to have her, but all I ask is that she stay, since it will be hard for me watch a 4 y/o at a place like Chuck E Cheese. She texted back this morning that her daughter, who was invited originally, could not make it as something had come up.

I spoke with the other mom today who wound up bringing her 4 y/o and staying, and she said that if the 4 y/o was not allowed to come, the older one would not have come either. Seriously?

Am I out of line here for not including siblings? I really don't have a problem if they're closer in age to DD, but 4 y/o is a big difference to me at a 7 or 8 y/o party. And especially to drop them off. WTF?


DD #3 is going to turn 3 in a few weeks and I want to have a very small house party for her. I was thinking 4 or 5 of her little friends. But if all siblings are invited it will wind up being double or triple that amount. We are on a tight budget, my DH has not had a job for a year, but I also want to keep the peace with my kids' friends families.

So, what is the etiquette on this? I'm really more bothered by this than I should be.

[wendmatt]

It is so difficult and there have been numerous threads about it on here. I totally agree with you if it's a small 7 yo's party, 4 yo's are not appropriate, so that is tough.
Some people can't get sitters, some people think their kids are a package deal, some people just don't think, the list goes on. I hate to say it, but get used to it! I guess if all your kids play with all your friends kids they would assume they were all invited and would be upset for one to be left out and that's understandable. Sorry I'm no help, I just understand where you are coming from.

[smiles33]

I fully agree with you that it was rude to assume she could bring her 4 year old, let alone drop her off. Yet I also recognize some families don't have babysitting/don't like babysitters so if all kids aren't invited, they just don't go.

In preschool, after DD1's friend was invited, her dad asked if the 8 year old brother could come, too, because the mom works on the weekends. If I had said no, then the 4 year old friend couldn't come. I said yes, since I paid a flat fee for the room rental at Michael's, but it was awkward to have 5 little girls and an 8 year old boy.

[belovedgandp]

I'd be offended by both mothers in this situation. That is a huge age difference for that type of party, especially to do a drop off of both kids.

If one of my kids is invited, I only send one. Definitely happens more as the kids get older. When I'd be more likely to drop a child off at a home at 5YO+ which means watching the siblings isn't the issue like when I needed to stay.

Especially when limited on space I'd send one of my kids to a party and have invited only the appropriately aged child of siblings to parties.

[TwinFoxes]

I think your friend's text was pretty rude. But, I also think it's a little unreasonable to think that party guests will do all the mental calculations of "they would invite younger DD, but it's not the same type of party that we had, and it's smaller, and the age difference is too great because it's three years". It seems like your families had at least some history of all the kids getting together, so it's not crazy that she'd think the younger sibling was invited.

I also think that a simple "sorry, because of space limitations no siblings can be accommodated" on the invite would clear up a lot of misunderstandings before they happen.

ETA: Was there any indication that the party was to be a small gathering? I can see why she'd think "oh, home party, the more the merrier" rather than "small intimate gathering". Regardless, I do think it's rude to bring uninvited kids and to get snarky about it, but I see her side too.

[jerseygirl07067]

In preschool, after DD1's friend was invited, her dad asked if the 8 year old brother could come, too, because the mom works on the weekends. If I had said no, then the 4 year old friend couldn't come. I said yes, since I paid a flat fee for the room rental at Michael's, but it was awkward to have 5 little girls and an 8 year old boy.


We had one of those situations, 5 y/o DDs party and one of the parents brought the 8 y/o I older brother. I did not know he was coming, the parent just brought him. It wasn't a big deal initially, since the party was at a playground, but when we did the pinata, it was a very big deal because once it was his turn, he hit it so hard, it busted open and a lot of the kids didn't even get a turn. I was pissed! I should have put him at the end of the line!

[queenmama]

It doesn't matter whether you're having a huge party or a small one; if you don't put a sibling's name on the invite, the parents should not assume they are invited.


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[jerseygirl07067]

ETA: Was there any indication that the party was to be a small gathering? I can see why she'd think "oh, home party, the more the merrier" rather than "small intimate gathering". Regardless, I do think it's rude to bring uninvited kids and to get snarky about it, but I see her side too.


I get what you mean by the mental calculations thing. The invite was addressed only to her 7 y/o. We don't often play with her 4 y/o so I didn't think it would be a big deal. It's usually the older kids who play. It was obvious to me, though, that she was wanting to drop off both kids and leave them. If she was planning on staying, it would not have bothered me as much, since she could watch her 4 y/o.

I was thinking of calling her tomorrow to explain, but at the same time while she's been great to my kids, she's done a few other rude things too, so I'm on the fence.

Ugh, I hate these situations!

[Pear]

If it is a dropoff party for elementary aged kids, then hiring a babysitter for siblings isn't even an issue.

[BDKmom]

My personal opinion is if it's a parent-stays party, then it's nice to invite the whole family, because it may be hard to attend if the other parent is unavailable. But for a drop off party, I would think no siblings, because that would be more kids you are responsible for watching and entertaining. And, where does it end? So, one mom wants to drop off her other kid who is close in age. But what if another mom wants to include two or three siblings? Where do you draw the line?

Either way, it is your decision as the hostess. If I get an invitation with just one child's name, I would assume only that child is invited, unless I'm specifically told otherwise, and either make plans accordingly, or graciously decline the invitation.

[MMMommy]

It doesn't matter whether you're having a huge party or a small one; if you don't put a sibling's name on the invite, the parents should not assume they are invited.

:yeahthat:

[eno0609]

It doesn't matter whether you're having a huge party or a small one; if you don't put a sibling's name on the invite, the parents should not assume they are invited.
:yeahthat: Totally agree with this. Unless they are family or very close friends that are like family and the parent is staying. If it's a school friends party, then unless both kids names are on the invite, I never assume. DD was invited to a 6th b-day party recently and I was surprised that her friends mom was surprised that DH didn't bring DS (almost 3) even though she didn't put his name on the invite.

IMO since the party was for DD's friend, DH could not have enjoyed the experience with DD and encouraged her to join in etc. (since she can be shy) if he was running around trying to supervise DS who needs a lot of supervision!

Even if it isn't a drop off party, I wouldn't want kids that are much younger than general the age group of the kids there. So expecting that a much younger kid can just be dropped off is not acceptable.

[MoJo]

My personal opinion is if it's a parent-stays party, then it's nice to invite the whole family, because it may be hard to attend if the other parent is unavailable. But for a drop off party, I would think no siblings, because that would be more kids you are responsible for watching and entertaining.

I agree completely!

[wellyes]

Wow. That one mother is shockingly rude. She is outraged, just OUTRAGED that you did not invite an additional child of hers to your child's party? Shut the front door, lady.

I recently had a party for DD where no siblings were invited (I never explicitly said that, just addressed the invite to one specific child) and every one of the parents figured it out and politely complied. A few, when chatting, mentioned getting babysitters or family to watch the siblings who weren't coming. Which is exactly what I'd do, too, since that's the normal person way to handle it.

[dogmom]

Hmmm... how about this:

"Well, I've very sorry you feel that I am offending you by not inviting all the siblings to the party. I feel that as my children get older there will be many activities that they all cannot participate in at once. After all, they are individuals that will have different interests and different friends. Since they are capable of spending time outside my supervision and want to have time without their siblings to play with their friends I want to encourage that at times."

Is she going to tell her 8 yo soccer coach to let the 4 yo on the team? She may have a very different philosophy about family than you, and think it is an all or nothing deal, however most people in our culture don't. As someone who frequently worked weekends which left my husband to juggle two kids before the age of drop off parties I appreciated when others would make arrangements for the younger child, but I never expected it. Now that it can be drop off, I don't care.

[ZeeBaby]

DD1 are 16mos apart and this is often an issue for us since DD1 is in preschool and DD2 is not. DD1 has been invited to a lot of parties this year. DD2 cries when DD1 goes to parties without her and I sometimes I want to ask if she can come along, but I would never get upset at a mom if she said no. I totally see your friends side of it, but isn't her child's party and she can't dictate the rules. Though when my friends have parties they invite both kids. Do you think that might be the confusion. She consider you to be a friend and that is why she is upset?

[sntm]

I think both were incredibly rude. It is NeVeR okay to invite an extra person to a party, under any circumstances. If you have a special desire to include another person (whether it is a date for a wedding or another kid for a birthday party), you ask politely and graciously and with clear understanding that it would be a huge favor to you and the host is completely okay with refusing with no hard feelings. If it's a parents-stay party and they can't get a babysitter for the other kid(s), that is their problem not yours.

The snide comments and pulling the kid from The party - petty and rude. If you do contact the parents, I'd be nice but under no circumstances apologize - you are not in the wrong.

[elbenn]

It doesn't matter whether you're having a huge party or a small one; if you don't put a sibling's name on the invite, the parents should not assume they are invited.


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I totally agree with this.

[♥ms.pacman♥]

If it is a dropoff party for elementary aged kids, then hiring a babysitter for siblings isn't even an issue.

:yeahthat:

yeah, i don't get why that's an issue at all here. if she was planning to drop off her 7yo, why can't she stay at home with the 4yo? i don't see how not having a sitter or family help is a factor here.

i agree it was rude of the mom to text that. and i dont' think it's right to assume you can drop off a 4yo at a bday party meant for older kids...you are forcing the host to babysit basically... that's nuts.

my kids are super close in age yet i would never impose on a mom so both my kids could go to a bday party if one was not invited. if it's inconvenient for us, we just wouldn't go...i would never try to make a mom feel bad about it.

[Canna]

I have a 7 y.o. and a 4 y.o. and they are almost never invited to the same parties. I would not assume that they would be. I can think of one example in the past two years where a mom explicitly told me (without my asking) that I could bring younger DD also because the party was at a party space and they had extra spots available. And when we had birthdays this year, one family did ask politely if they could possibly bring their older sibling (I ended up saying okay though they weren't generally invited).

To assume siblings are invited when they are not on the invitation, and to be offended when they are not, is very rude!

[AnnieW625]

In my area it seems that if siblings aren't on the invite they don't come (unless it is an Evite). In DD1's class there are 14 girls including DD1, only one is an only child. There are three families with younger siblings and it was never brought up. In DH's culture (Hispanic) parties are for everyone so this whole thing ESP. drop off is soo new to him. He just doesn't get it. I am really trying to be firm with him that in most cases DD2 doesn't need to go to a 6 yr. old party. Thankfully a couple if the parties we have been to have been during her nap time. He'd never text a parent to see if DD2 could come though esp. if it was a drop off party though.

[jerseygirl07067]

I was thinking of the cultural differences. The one mom with the rude text is from Brazil, and the other is married to someone of middle eastern descent and said the father is very strict about both girls being together. I have no problem with the 2nd mom since she was much nicer about it and I completely understood. I am sure that played greatly into it.

Where I live it is very multicultural, so I'm sure there will be more of this if I don't specify things regarding siblings in advance.

[vonfirmath]

It is so difficult and there have been numerous threads about it on here. I totally agree with you if it's a small 7 yo's party, 4 yo's are not appropriate, so that is tough.
Some people can't get sitters, some people think their kids are a package deal, some people just don't think, the list goes on. I hate to say it, but get used to it! I guess if all your kids play with all your friends kids they would assume they were all invited and would be upset for one to be left out and that's understandable. Sorry I'm no help, I just understand where you are coming from.

If I can drop off the older child, I'd be okay only sending older.
But if the location was a place I was not comfortable dropping off older/it was for now (when DS is 4) then I might have to come with his baby sister or not go to the party at all. My husband is not always available to watch the baby and I don't have a good sitter until she is 18 months old

I can't imagine dropping off a 4 year old at a 7 or 8 year old birthday party though!

[wellyes]

But if the location was a place I was not comfortable dropping off older/it was for now (when DS is 4) then I might have to come with his baby sister or not go to the party at all. My husband is not always available to watch the baby and I don't have a good sitter until she is 18 months oldYes, sometimes to take an older kid to a party, a younger sib needs a sitter. And if you can't get a sitter, the older sib can't go. But the question is, do you get offended when that happens?

I get that in some cultures all parties are inclusive of all kids. When I run into a cultural difference that goes against the grain for me -- in terms of gender roles or discipline, for example -- what I do is grit my teeth and deal. Maybe complain to my husband. But it's not OK to go off on the person whose customs are different than mine.

[daisysmom]

I have an only child, and noticed at the 4 year old birthday party circuit that a lot of parents assumed that it was drop off (which was fine with me, though an adjustment to my DH and I at the Children's Museum trying to make sure that no child tried to "escape" out the front door). The invitations only included every child in my DD's preschool class, so no siblings were included. I had sent an email "save the date" and in the email, I said that we were looking forward to inviting the whole class, so I don't think that there was any doubt that no siblings were invited.

Then this year, my DD (turning 5) decided she only wanted girls at her party. So we complied, and in doing so invited some girls that we knew from outside of school. And we invited girl siblings, as we had gotten to know many more of them over the last year. And two of those siblings were 9, so I was looking forward to the help. And this year I spread the word that drop offs were fine.

One father, who I knew pretty well, dropped off his 3 daughters, 9, 5 and 2! He said "you said drop offs were ok right?" and I said "uh yea, sure, but do you have a diaper" for the young one. He had no diaper, and assured me that she would not need a diaper change. There we were at a bouncy house play thing and the poor 2 year old had a massive blowout poop. I got the 9 year old and asked her to call her dad from my cell phone to ask him to bring a diaper (this was maybe 1 hour into a 2 hour party). The father said he would bring a diaper, but he never showed up (until the end of the party). The child looked so uncomfortable that 10 minutes after the call, I took her into the bathroom to change her and told my DH to just send the husband in there (thinking he was going to be coming any minute). He didn't come, and by then I had thrown out the poopy diaper and had nothing to put on this child. Then either my DH or I needed to try to contain her (she had a dress on but was not potty trained so I couldn't let her run around). It was such a nightmare. I missed the whole second half of the party.

I know it was my fault for not insisting on the diaper, or not talking to the father to ask him to bring one RIGHT THEN, or not thinking to have one myself, or not thinking to go to a nearby store to get one before I took the old one off, etc. But still, I was miffed at the whole situation. Realized that at 5, diaper memories are a long way off!!

[lovin2shop]

Oh my, I have a 4 year old and a 9 year old, and I can't even imagine dropping off DD#2, let alone bringing him to one of DD#1's parties!!!

Having said that I have heard many parents in my area say that it is either an all or none deal for birthday parties, so I generally expect siblings to show up. I was sweating our nubmers at DS#2's party this year, but luckily there were only a handful of siblings.

[♥ms.pacman♥]

One father, who I knew pretty well, dropped off his 3 daughters, 9, 5 and 2! He said "you said drop offs were ok right?" and I said "uh yea, sure, but do you have a diaper" for the young one. He had no diaper, and assured me that she would not need a diaper change. There we were at a bouncy house play thing and the poor 2 year old had a massive blowout poop. I got the 9 year old and asked her to call her dad from my cell phone to ask him to bring a diaper (this was maybe 1 hour into a 2 hour party). The father said he would bring a diaper, but he never showed up (until the end of the party). The child looked so uncomfortable that 10 minutes after the call, I took her into the bathroom to change her and told my DH to just send the husband in there (thinking he was going to be coming any minute). He didn't come, and by then I had thrown out the poopy diaper and had nothing to put on this child. Then either my DH or I needed to try to contain her (she had a dress on but was not potty trained so I couldn't let her run around). It was such a nightmare. I missed the whole second half of the party.


WOW. (where is the jaw drop icon?? LOL)

I would be LIVID if this happened to me (what would madden me most is missing my own kid's birthday party). what kind of parent drops of a TWO YEAR OLD at a party WITHOUT a diaper and assures you she won't need a diaper change (!)..that is just wrong on so many levels! I think this takes the cake of bday party horror stories i've heard. I hope he felt super super embarrassed aftewards (probably not, due to cluelessness but whatever).

OT, but the absolute cluelessness of some dads on these types of things downright astounds me. my friend who has a pool at her house had a guy friend (who has a 2yo dd) bring his dd over and told her she could go swimming while he went out and ran an errand. she wasn't pt'ed and he didn't provide a swim diaper or any type of diaper (and my friend who does not have kids did not have any, and didn't notice she wasn't wearing a swim diaper at first). she pooped in her swimsuit (thankfully not in the pool) and my friend had to clean her up and give her a bath, and scramble to find something she could wear and pray she didn't soil something else (she had no diapers, dad never provided any). when the dad got back an hour later and my friend told him what happened he was like "oh, sorry!" and didn't seem to think it was a big deal. :shrug: I don't get how a parent can go so long being this clueless.

[jerseygirl07067]

One father, who I knew pretty well, dropped off his 3 daughters, 9, 5 and 2! He said "you said drop offs were ok right?" and I said "uh yea, sure, but do you have a diaper" for the young one. He had no diaper, and assured me that she would not need a diaper change. There we were at a bouncy house play thing and the poor 2 year old had a massive blowout poop. I got the 9 year old and asked her to call her dad from my cell phone to ask him to bring a diaper (this was maybe 1 hour into a 2 hour party). The father said he would bring a diaper, but he never showed up (until the end of the party). The child looked so uncomfortable that 10 minutes after the call, I took her into the bathroom to change her and told my DH to just send the husband in there (thinking he was going to be coming any minute). He didn't come, and by then I had thrown out the poopy diaper and had nothing to put on this child. Then either my DH or I needed to try to contain her (she had a dress on but was not potty trained so I couldn't let her run around). It was such a nightmare. I missed the whole second half of the party.




OMG!!! 2!!! at a bounce house place! And no spare dipes. I'd be so pissed about that one!
Plus with a 2 y/o there's more likelihood for tantrums and other toddler like behavior.

[BayGirl2]

.....

I know it was my fault for not insisting on the diaper, or not talking to the father to ask him to bring one RIGHT THEN, or not thinking to have one myself, or not thinking to go to a nearby store to get one before I took the old one off, etc. But still, I was miffed at the whole situation. Realized that at 5, diaper memories are a long way off!!

Umm, no, not your fault at all. That dad is at a minimum, clueless, and more likely rude and irresponsible. Who drops off a 2 year old at a bounce house? Especially when they have older kids and understand the difference. And who doesn't leave a diaper bag for a non potty trained kid? That's just amazing to me, and in no way is your fault, especially since you questioned it. I'm suspecting the Dad had something else going on he wanted to get to and just blew off the basics that day.

[Globetrotter]

Yes, in some cultures family parties are the norm so people may find it odd, but I still think that response was unwarranted, ESP. The way it was expressed in the text exchange.

Once we had a big class party (boys only from school plus other friends, but I specified no space for siblings since we were at the limit at the party place). One traditional Indian dad came with the invited kid and two older cousins! It was so awkward because I didn't have favors for them or even space at the table. This was a drop off optional party. The worst part is, another mom came with a sibling and the sibling was upset that she couldn't stay, but I still didn't invite her due to the numbers, then the guy walks in with the cousins!

[mytwosons]

I think the mom was way out of line.

I do think there are some cultural differences, but I think some people are just plain rude.

DS1 recently had his 9th bday party. At his 8th, we had two parents drop off at the venue, but then return quite early and hang around with the univited older female siblings. My son didn't like it because there were GIRLS at his party. I didn't say anything to the moms because I didn't know what to say.

Fast forward to this year. A mom tries to drop off invited child and univited female cousin for laser tag party. I tell her no. I hand over wrist band for entertainment and lots of coins for arcade games, but no, she can't join the party and the mom needs to stay because we can't supervise. I felt like a beyotch, but didn't let girl into party room. Two weeks later, invited guest spends the night. He invites my son along to his cousin's bday party the next day. Son tells friend he wasn't invited, doesn't know the child, so shouldn't tag along. Child invites several more times and I end up telling the child that it would be rude for my son to crash the party. After child is picked up, I get a call from mom wondering if DS can go bowling with them. Something about it nags me, and I tell her he is busy. Guess what? The bday party was a bowling party. I think some folks are just clueless and/or rude.