WWYD: Sticky MIL situation (LONG!)

My MIL is the world's most doting person and does not have a malicious bone in her body. I happen to be very fond of her - although she drives me a little nuts with how involved she is in EVERY aspect of her kids' lives. Both of my SILs had babies last year and MIL babysits their boys all of the time, often at the drop of a hat. She loves doing this and has offered many times to do it for us when DS gets here.

Here's the problem: I researched everything that we bought/registered for to make sure that we had as safe an environment as possible for DS. That's fine and dandy for my house, but MIL's house is DANGEROUS! Granted, she has two adjoining rooms that are somewhat baby-proofed and have gates in the doorways, but the rest of the house is full of mountains of clutter that could come toppling down at any moment and I HAVE seen both boys in those rooms during family functions. In fact, on Sunday we were there for a birthday party and one of the boys was walking around under her kitchen table (one of those old metal & formica combos from the 60s). If my DH hadn't put his hand in front of the baby's head, he would have sliced it open on the sharp metal underneath. MIL has all of her old gadgets from when she was a baby in the 40s and uses them with my nephews. One of them in particular really bothers me: the Baby Tenda. It looks like a cross between a midget high chair and a desk. It has sharp edges at baby eye-level, rusty metal parts running every direction and disgusting fossilized baby food on every surface! It looks like a torture device for infants!

She also does other things with my nephews that bother me. Case in point, on Sunday, she was feeding one of my nephews COLD ravioli and he didn't like it at all. Made horrible faces and spit it back out. But she kept shoving it in his mouth. And she kept giving fingerfulls of icing from the birthday cake to both nephews and then LICKING her fingers - only to put them back in the boys' mouths! Maybe I am just an inexperienced, idealistic, first-time, not-quite mama, but I don't want my kid force fed food he obviously doesn't like, given copious amounts of something that is just straight SUGAR and I don't want random people just sharing their germs with him because they are too LAZY to use a napkin or wash their hands!

I don't want to tell MIL that she can't babysit or that I don't think she's very good at parenting safely because I know it would hurt her deeply. How can I handle this gently so that DS gets time with his grandma and I can leave him there without worrying the whole time that he's being cut to ribbons or loaded with sugar?

Am I overreacting?

Thanks, if you have made it this far. I appreciate any feedback you can give me!

I don't think you're overreacting - my MIL and mother both have some wonky ideas about the best way to deal with DS, and there have been times when I put my food down.

I worry less about what DS has had shoved in his mouth and by who, because I pretty much can't complain if he's (literally) lapping it up. I checked with the ped, and she said that so long as it wasn't nuts or strawberries, I could relax on that front. That's not to say I approved of the "stick finger in butter, buttered finger in sugar, buttered sugared finger in DS's mouth" thing my Dad always did (and does), but it's far less bad than when MIL babysat DS at 4 mos old and fed him a bottle of apple juice (instead of the prepared formula) because he was thirsty, not hungry (huh?). I was especially annoyed that time because except for a handful of times, DS was exclusively BF, and while formula was okay if I wasn't there, juice was NOT. But that's a whole different post...

I think the main issue here is safety. There is a safe place in MIL's house, right? That's a good start. The mountains of clutter also aren't too bad. The stuff with sharp edges (including the Baby Tenda) are NOT GOOD. Maybe you could have DH "accidentally" fall on it and break it, and replace it with an exersaucer? Or just have him slice himself on it and then pitch a fit that if it's unsafe for a grown man it is definitely unsafe for your baby? PG mamas tend to have a lot of pull because of their hormones, so now is the time to act...

HTH, and good luck with the next four weeks!!

Both sets of DS's grandparents live in homes that are not child-proofed. They are filled with breakable crap + unsafe objyects. I trust my parents with DS since I know my mother watches him like a hawk and she is far more nervous/neurotic than I could ever be. I don't have the same level of comfort with my inlaws so DS does not stay at their house without us. If they want to babysit, they make the trip to us - which is infrequent fortunately. If you feel that they will not adequately watch your child then I suggest that they babysit at your house if that's a possibility.

As for the food situation, some are more bothered about this than others. My inlaws think I'm uptight but I tend to leave out carefully labeled food with directions when they babysit. Am I one hundred percent sure they aren't giving him other food? No, but it doesn't really bother me. I've learned to let certain things go in the past 18 months! I personally think everything in moderation (with the exception of anything that might cause an allergy or be a choking hazard) is fine. I'm sure the grandparents (both sides) give my DS treats + that's fine.

Jenn
DS 6/03

http://lilypie.com/baby2/030603/2/5/1/-5/.png

I think we all tend to overreact when we have little babies, I know I did. I was convinced that if my MIL gave ds a bottle he would bond with her and not me. I was totally crazy and hormonal. I think we are meant to be that way because we are responsible for the welfare of this tiny baby! So, yes, in some ways I think we as parents overreact, but, you need to feel comfortable. Your baby is not born yet if I am reading correctly, so don't worry about any of this yet. The baby won't even be able to roll over for a while, let alone get anywhere, so you have plenty of time to decide how you feel and what is needed. People of a different generation do think we are all crazy because they had none of these safety things we have, and thet insist their children were fine, so it is definitely a sensitive subject.

My inlaws think I am crazy for insisting on a carseat in Mexico. They think we could pile more people in the minivan if ds and dd are not in carseats - but I just stand up for myself and do what is comfortable for me. We are at my grandparents house now where nothing is childproofed, and there are more little glass things than a glass store. Things are fine! I watch dd a little more closely, but it is not as worrisome as you might think. Once the baby can get around, you can tell your mother in law your concerns (although not about her furniture, you might just want to put padding on the sharp bits yourself). Also, with my son, he just wanted to jump off tables and stuff, he would never open up a cabinet, so we never had to child proof for that type of thing. My daughter will open any cabinet and pull stuff out, but she would never jump off a table. So, until you know your baby you will not know what you need to pay particular attention to. I think overall you will just be glad that you have someone that wants to babysit.

As for the food, sounds like my MIL. That is so gross. I told her that forcing a child to finish food leads to obesity because the child is eating to eat, and not out of hunger. I had to tell her a few times, but she has the message. They don't have to eat it, but they can't substitute it with junk. By the way, that's true - the clean plate club is NOT a good idea :).

I don't think you're overeacting at all. As a matter of fact what you describe sounds almost like MY parent's house. Even worse they have a pool and never have the dang gate shut when we are over. There are so many hazards, and I hate to scare you but it was less dangerous when she was non-mobile. Now that she is getting around and into things first, there is so much stuff that she could get hurt with and second, my parents don't understand that you have to really watch her since the place isn't safe. They just continue making dinner as she's reaching for the bug spray on the table in the other room. So I don't think it's a first time mommy thing that will get easier as your little one gets older in this case. Maybe in a few years, but not right now at two!

DH and I decided that we would be too worried the entire time we left DD there that if they babysat it would be at our house. Actually we have never had them babysit and they live 20-30 minutes away but some of the things they do scares the crap out of - they tried to give her an ice cube to suck when she was 10 months old - if I wasn't right there to grab it away she would have sucked it right down and choked, HELLO!!! I'm thinking when she turns 3 or 4 we might start feeling somewhat comfortable with it at our house. They truly love DD and she absolutely enjoys playing with them, they are wonderful grandparents (excluding the safety issues). For the first year they kept bugging us to babysit and I was able to use the breastfeeding excuse, which really wasn't a lie since she refused to use a bottle at all. Then they just stopped bugging us about it and haven't for a while. We visit them at least 2 times a month so they get to see her and play with her while DH and I are able to keep an eye on her. One time she came into the family room with a steak knife - my mom had set the table with them right in her reach!

Sorry to ramble but I totally understand. You will get a gut feeling for what you are comfortable with and I say just follow that feeling. Just let them see the grandchild often and let them know if you're not ready to have them to babysit - they'll chaulk it up to first time mommy worries!

Good luck!
Lisa

I don't think you are overreacting. It is your job as a mom to protect your child, and her job as a grandma to make sure they have fun. Not the same, KWIM?

So, what I would do, and did from the start, was let them know what is and is not okay. I wouldn't hand over a list or anything, but they need to know what you want and do not want when it's appropriate. I think we have been lucky in that the grandparents Ds has most contact with and is babysat by is my mom & Stepfather and my Mom KNOWS I mean business.

For one, when you are ready, I would ask her to babysit at your house. I wouldn't say, "b/c your place is a hazard at every turn," but maybe a vague explanation, "It's just easier because all of our things are here, and if we have to rush home for some reason in a hurry, baby is already at home."

Second, the food thing. I am so all over the food thing. NO ONE gives my kid crap (but me, and it's r-a-r-e). I would just bring up the topic of how PEDIATRICIAN recommendations change. She's likely from the "Worship your MD" generation and if the AAP says it, then it's true. Mention at some point how they strongly recommend against solids before age 6 months (and if you delay further and are questioned, throw another "expert" opinion out). Tell her how if a baby gets something before their digestive system is mature enough for it, it can cause leaky gut and terrible, possibly life-threatening allergies. On the sugar front, I would just flat out say, "refined sugar is awful for children, so please don't give it to the baby until hubby & decide it is okay." My three year old gets that crap less than a handful of days a year and it has such a horrid effect, if he was on it all the time I would think he had ADD issues, I am not even joking. I can tell when he gets it even hidden in foods (like BBQ Sauce at a restaurant) as his personality does a complete 180. There are much better natural sweeteners out there if Grandma wants to treat her grandbaby.

Good Luck!

Are you sure you aren't describing *my* MIL? :) Seriously, it sounds almost identical to our situation, right down to the antique baby equipment!

I don't think you're overreacting. At the same time, I think some of your concerns will work themselves out once the baby arrives. (I know mine did.) It sort of became clear which issues I needed to take a stand on (No, DS will NOT sleep in your 1965 crib despite the fact that it worked so well for DH!) and which ones I didn't need to worry so much about. (The mountains of clutter haven't posed nearly as much of a hazard as I expected.)

I haven't left DS alone at my IL's house. I've never had to take a stand on this- it always just sort of "works better" for them to come here and that's taken care of a lot of my safety concerns. When we're at their house, I keep an *extra* close eye on him and so far, it's been fine.

In terms of the feeding issues, there have been a couple of times when I've had to step in and gently tell family members to back off. It was much easier than I expected! I think the "mama bear" instinct sort of kicks in! I've sometimes planned ahead of time what I can say if I need to tell people to back off and it usually comes out nicer that way. When I have had to "re-direct" MIL, a couple of weeks after the incident I've made sure that I take the opportunity to sort of "babble" about how many different things I've had to figure out since becoming a parent, how many conflicting theories there are and which philosophy *I've* embraced. I've done this on several different parenting topics and MIL has seemed to get my message most of the time, without feeling hurt.

Don't stress about this too much! I know I did. My friends with kids and MIL's like mine promised me that once the baby came, everything would work itself out, and for the most part it has. The conflicts are still there, but they really don't seem as enormous to me as they did before DS was born. It's as if I had a sort of epiphany and suddenly *knew* how to handle situtions that before DS seemed really sticky!

Good luck!