Help me devise a reward system for 3 1/2 year old dd

Dd is driving me absolutely up the wall, particularly at nap and bed time. She turns four in April. Part of the problem is that she is likely dropping the nap and the transition is throwing sleep out of whack. I am doing what I can to get her enough sleep (put her to bed at 6:15 last night when she didn't nap yesterday).

But I need some help with her behavior. She is just generally as uncooperative as possible. We have a very set routine with a couple of built in opportunities for her to make choices (which toothpaste, which stuffed animals, which book, song or story)

She won't walk to the bathroom so we play various games to get there--train, airplane, frog, whatever it takes. But some days even the games are a fail and I end up carrying her there screaming n

Then she fake laughs and twists and makes brushing her teeth an ordeal. I let her choose the toothpaste. I let her have a turn brushing. I pretend to hunt for fairies or whatever she wants me to hunt for. She knows if she doesn't cooperate eventually I will lay her down and force the toothbrushing. She still makes it difficult every time.

Then she insists loudly that she doesn't need to go potty but always pees when I pull her pants down and sit her on the potty and if I let her skip ends up calling to me to go potty later.

She frequently randomly screeches during all of this even though I have repeatedly told her she is hurting my ears and asked her to use an indoor voice.

She refuses to stand still to get a diaper on instead climbing on her chair or sitting or running in circles.

Anyway, you get the gist of it. So I am thinking maybe she is old enough for rewards of some kind? Ds was too anxious for rewards related to bedtime--he just freaked out that he might not earn it and behaved even worse. So I'm not sure how to structure this. Some kind of chart? One star for each step of the way? Or one for getting ready nicely? She's not good at delayed gratification at all so I'm not sure how long she can have the prize delayed and have it work at all. What kinds of prizes? Her best currency is sweet things and iPad time, but I'm reluctant to do those on a regular basis (the iPad is super hard to take away when time is up so I feel like I would just be creating a different behavior problem).

Thanks for any help or even just hugs!
Catherine

3 is tough. i'm there. my oh-so-sweet 2 y/o ds has become a bit of a, um, rebel, i think. he is also in the process of dropping the nap, so bedtime either goes poorly because he is over tired (no nap) or not tired (did take a nap).

one option is to give the nap every day but shorten it a bit. like by 5 mins every day or 2. this is what i'm doing (although its miserable for me, as he is a bear to wake up and i enjoy the peace of nap time) and he is down to just about 45 mins of nap. when he wakes up he gets lots of hugs, a snack and play time outside, which really helps. if its too cold, we do something focused inside (cooking, making/playing playdough, magformers, skype cousins).

for bedtime, if he does not cooperate, i just make it happen. no fun and games. jamies, potty, diaper, teeth and its done. i move his body if he won't. for ds, the reward is getting extra stories. if he is quick getting ready (or just cooperative), more time for stories. if not, its 1 story and to bed. i also start bedtime very early on days he does not nap. like at 600 we are done with dinner, bedtime routine and in bed by 630 or 645. i could not do sweets or screen time right before bed, as it would just make getting into bed harder. and i'm not sure he would really understand if i'm good at bedtime tonight, i get more x tomorrow.

big hugs!!!

Sorry to hear you hate similar issues, though I know it is just the age. I have just really had it with "making it happen" at bedtime. She's not super interested in being read to so I don't think extra books as incentive will help though I could give it a try. I hate to take away the two books we currently read as it is the only time she will listen to me read to her and I do think reading aloud is so important.

I wonder if the stickers themselves would be motivating? Ds was definitely able to understand and work for a delayed reward at this age, but I have the impression he was precocious in that regard.

Anyone make ate a reward system work for this kind of situation?

Thanks,
Catherine

We did a list of bedtime/sleep rules and a sticker chart for both kids when we switched them to a bed around 3. Our issues were a little different with DD - she didn't want to stay in bed. She got stickers for staying in bed at night to go to sleep and staying in the am until her clock (picture one that changed from asleep to awake) said she could get up.

But it worked well for both kids. We set a goal for # of stickers and then we did a special activity of their choice (out to dinner, bounce house, ice cream, etc.). I do think both kids found putting on the stickers motivating too, especially at first. We did 2 rounds (ending it 2 special activities) with my DD and just one with DS. After that, their bedtime behavior had significantly improved.

So I do think it can work with that age. Just make your expectations clear (I made a list with pictures of what they needed to do) and offer an incentive that she will find motivating. I do think this age also needs some sort of immediate feedback like the earning the stickers right away when she does the things you are working on.

DS is a little bit younger and we have had recent success with a sticker chart for bedtime behavior. He gets a maximum of 2 times out of his room plus once to go potty. Each time, I tell him he is going to lose his sticker. If he has stayed in his room, in the morning we make a big deal of choosing a sticker and then putting it on the chart. I started with 5 stickers to get a reward and then have slowly moved it up to 10 (adding 1-2 each time). We are now at the point where he forgets to ask for the sticker and I don't remind him, and he stays in his room. I don't care what he does as long as he is in his room. When he reached his sticker goal, he got to go to the local toy store and pick out a vehicle from their bins (less than $10). It was well worth it to me for my sanity and it was motivation enough for him.

Thanks! I think I will give it a try. If anyone else wants to chime in, I'm all ears. Especially as to implementation details.

Catherine

Following for same. I can get DD in the crib but she will not settle down, be quiet, be still, or go to sleep in under an hour and half no matter how early I put her down. Sigh.

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Originally Posted by marymoo86

Following for same. I can get DD in the crib but she will not settle down, be quiet, be still, or go to sleep in under an hour and half no matter how early I put her down. Sigh.

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That is so hard. Dd doesn't do that fortunately. Her older brother tended to do that. He still seems to need very little sleep and has a hard time going to sleep at night.

Catherine

YMMV, but at 3, DD1 needed immediate consequences/results. We would start the bedtime routine telling her that if she did what she's supposed to, we'd read 3 books in bed. Any acting out means she'd lose a book. Good behavior and attitude the whole way and we'd give her a bonus book. She only went to bed once without any stories, and really only a few times with only 1. When she would "lose" a story we'd just calmly say "DD1, since you didn't X by the time I counted to 3, you're going to have one less story tonight. That's too bad. I know it makes you sad, now please do X before you lose another story."
The thing that I liked about this method is that it worked for DD1, DH, and me. It gave us less time with her when we were frustrated with her behavior and needed a break. And it didn't reward "bad" behavior with attention.