Difficulty delaying

This may turn into more of a vent than a question . . . Jack has such a hard time delaying when he wants something. Of course, waiting is hard for all toddlers, but it seems to be even more of a challenge for him. When DH and I talk about it, we come to the conclusion that he truly isn't being bratty or manipulative--he just literally can't wait (especially when it's for food). I try to be as patient as possible and really work with him on the concept of waiting. For ex., I'll say "I know Jack is hungry, and Mama is making you some food. But the chicken needs to cook before we can eat it" or "Mama will get your water, but I have to finish X first--I know it's hard to wait." He occassionally is helped by these verbal cues and acknowledgement of his feelings, but usually the constant "Jack want. . ." or "Need X" just continues or even escalates.

Some of you may know I have am a clinical psychology postdoc, so that makes this kind of thing even tougher in a lot of respects. I think, "I should know how to deal with these types of situations". I find myself constantly trying to tease out how much is temperament versus how much have we reinforced this kind of behavior by responding to his needs so quickly. And then, I start wondering how on earth I'm going to manage with a new baby.

To me, the traditional temper tantrums are so much easier to manage than these kinds of areas. I'd define traditional temper trantrum as child is pissed because parent has set a reasonable limit (e.g., warns him/her that bath is in 5 minutes, and then in 5 minutes, takes him/her up to bath despite protests). The issue of how much a particular toddler can delay or can play independently feel much harder to me. . .

Any thoughts or similar stories?

Lisa
& Jack, 4/20/01 (I NEED mama and daddy right after I wake up, and I NEED eat when I'm hungry, and I NEED to have my paci right now, and I NEED to be with my bear)
& his little brother, e.d.d., 12/15/03 (Will there be any time for me?)

When Amy has difficulty waiting I usually break down my priority order for her. I say, "Amy I know you want a cookie. But first I have to change your brother's diaper. Then I have to start the laundry. THEN you can have a cookie.".

As I do the things on the list I repeat it. "Amy, your brother's diaper has been changed. Now I just have to puit in the laundry and THEN you can have a cookie.", etc.

I find that this technique can often stave off a tantrum. As long as I keep talking to her then she knows I am paying attention to her.

Do you think that a visual cue might help your son? Verbal comments given to toddlers can be pretty abstract at times, so maybe something more concrete could help him. There is a visual timer that I've been meaning to get that I think will help my DD in the future. Maybe it will help your DS. Here's the link:

http://www.callowayhouse.com/proddetail.asp?order=&sku='35048'&sgrade=0&egrade= 0&search=clock&selection=search&letter=&selectcat= &skip=0

If the above link doesn't work, go to "http://www.callowayhouse.com and under "products", look for "Time timer."

Right now, my DD has the typical temper tantrum and I've been able to deal with it via verbal cues (like what you do) and my oven timer (e.g., "Okay Honey, when the beeper beeps, that means it's time for "fill-in-the-blank".). My oven timer works really well for her.

Just a thought. Hope this gives you ideas. Good luck.

I'm with Helen on this one. The only thing that we change is that we constantly use the word WE. We need to change Jack's diaper...then WE need to check the mail...and after we get the mail, we can have our snack. I've got two little bodies at my feet and it is hard to teach them patience and the understanding that they are not always at the center of the universe. The WE thing also helps to keep my kids engaged and learning new things. If WE are cooking, they often make me dinner with their play food. If WE are going to the post office, WE write out an extra postcard or note to drop in the mail for the kids. The kids also like to hear, "OK, now that we are done with Jack's diaper, let's get the mail and then our snack!" The constant running commentary does get old and you find yourself talking to sleeping kids occasionally, but it does so much to reinforce the idea of prioritizing and promises. How many times have I heard, "Mom! I'm awake from my nap! It's time to go swimming!" and not wanted to go? But we go, because she has kept up her part of the bargain. Remember that toddlers find comfort in structure. For us structure means that they know what to expect from me(most of the time) and what I expect from them. HTH!

Rose
mom 2 katie (33 months)
& Jack (16 months)

These are some good suggestions. I do a lot of running commentary and "we" language. But I haven't tried a timer. That's a great one!

Thanks,
Lisa