Married and feeling trapped

[jenjenfirenjen]

DH just blew up at me and I'm still a little shaky so please forgive any rambling/typos.

A little background: I am a SAHM. DH has a great job that gives us a nice comfy life and home. Lately, I've come to realize that DH thinks because he works outside the house, he shouldn't have any responsibilities at home. I really don't ask him to do much around here, but when I do, he usually has an attitude. However, he's really always been this way. I'm pretty sure he was raised where he didn't have to do anything around the house. Anyway, I've mostly been ignoring his attitude, especially since he still does what I ask usually, he's just grumbling as he does it.

My mom came to visit this past weekend and I had been busy all day trying to get the house ready. I didn't get it all done and I asked DH to do the dishes while I went to get her at the airport (which he did...but was still grumbling when we got home.) On Sunday, he napped on the couch almost the entire day while my mom and I took care of DS (the only exception being he got up to eat the lunch and dinner I cooked for him.) So after a long day, I was not feeling well (I am pregnant for goodness sake) so I asked DH to do the dishes. I was pretty sure I wouldn't get an attitude with my mom sitting right there but sure enough he said, "Whatever." I swear, it's like I'm married to a teenager.

Anyway, tonight I cooked and I had had an awful day dealing with DS so I asked DH to do the dishes. He didn't give me that much of an attitude but when I brought one of my dishes to the kitchen he told me to wash it and put it in the dishwasher because it wasn't HIS dish. I said that I wash his dishes all the time and he replied he washes the dishes ALL the time. I pointed out he had done them twice in the last week and one of those times was after he had slept all day and he just exploded at me. He had a glass in each hand with water in them and he started shaking them and yelling at me and I was afraid he was going to throw them at me. He told me he was sick of my sh*t and to get the F out of his sight. I was pissed and said F-you, which he said right back. And now here I am writing this.

I was actually going to post last week with the title, "Married and Lonely" because not only do we have these problems but our marriage is emotionally bankrupt. DH is what I would call an emotional void. He has no need for human contact, has no friends (but is friendly with people at work.) He doesn't really talk to me much. I've given up telling him stories and what not after too many times of getting the reaction of silence or "OK." He also does not enjoy or desire physical contact other than intercourse. He never hugs me unless I ask or initiate. It took two years of counseling to get him not to pull back when I hugged him. He doesn't like kissing. Meanwhile, I am a very physical person. I grew up being hugged constantly and I still have that need/desire for contact. We are like roommates who have sex occasionally but don't really have much of a relationship otherwise. I've tried to suggest things we could do that he would be interested in but he doesn't really have any interests. He likes to work, watch TV and sleep (and eat and have sex.) That's about it. At least he does let me lead my own life and go out with my friends and pursue my interests, although I don't really have much time for that since DS came along.

Anyway, I had really resigned myself to giving up this part of my life (romance, friendship and intimacy with a partner) because my DH is a good, decent man who gives us a nice life and is an excellent father. But after tonight, all I can think is, "I don't want to live this way and I refuse to be treated in this manner." I grew up in a home full of emotional abuse (from my dad to my mom and to me.) I refuse to take any more. But I feel trapped. I'd be lying if I didn't admit there was a financial aspect to it. My DH makes a good living. I like being a SAHM. I don't want to have to struggle and be a single mom. But I know I could do it if I had to. But like I said, DH is a great dad. My son adores him. I can't bear the thought of taking that away from DS.

ETA: We live on the East Coast where neither one of us has any family and I have few friends here. If we were to split up, I don't think it would be an option for me to move back to my home state since we would need to be nearby so DS could have a relationship with DH. So I would be up here all alone with no help. This just compounds the trapped feeling.

So what to do? I feel like we have so many problems. We could go back to counseling and work on the division of labor issue (and the screaming at me issue) but I recognize that DH is who he is and will probably never be able to give me what I need emotionally and physically. I feel like I'm at the bottom of an insurmountable peak and I don't even know where to start.

If you got this far, thanks for reading. I'm open to any ideas or suggestions. This is a crappy way to feel while pregnant and I'd sure like to resovle it. Thanks!

[kijip]

But after tonight, all I can
>think is, "I don't want to live this way and I refuse to be
>treated in this manner." I grew up in a home full of
>emotional abuse (from my dad to my mom and to me.) I refuse
>to take any more.

Only you can know where you are with this but this line you wrote above speaks volumes.

But I feel trapped. I'd be lying if I
>didn't admit there was a financial aspect to it. My DH makes
>a good living. I like being a SAHM. I don't want to have to
>struggle and be a single mom.

You are going to struggle in what you describe as an emotionally bankrupt marriage. You would struggle financially as a single mother. You have to decide which struggle is better for you and your family. It is not easy to be a single parent but is is not easy to live the way you describe living either.

>So what to do? I feel like we have so many problems. We
>could go back to counseling and work on the division of labor
>issue (and the screaming at me issue) but I recognize that DH
>is who he is and will probably never be able to give me what I
>need emotionally and physically.

For the counseling to work you both have to feel like there is a reachable goal. If you can get to that point, going to counseling is a good idea. But if you both think it is futile it is not going to change anything.

Regardess of what you decide, you need to work towards a healthier dynamic in your marriage for you and your husband's sake and for your childrens' sake. You do not want your kids growing up to duplicate your marriage in their own relationships.

You mention that he pulls away from physical contact. I wonder if he, like you, has childhood abuse issues. Perhaps you could each see someone apart to work through personal issues like that and then see someone together to work on the marriage? All marriages are going to have ups and downs so it is important to work together carefully when deciding how to solve these issues.

Good luck and get some rest during this pregnancy.

[DebbieJ]

Oh Jen, hugs to you!

Are you and your little one safe? Do you feel that DH would physically hurt you? If so, please leave now. Call a friend, go somewhere.

If your DH does not need physical touch, then what kind of love does he need? I would recommend reading The Five Love Languages. It was very eye opening for me, not only to determine what kind of love my DH needs, but what kind I need as well. Granted, I have not finished the book and DH and I are still working things out as we go, but what I did manage to read helped a lot.

I hope that you do pursue counseling again. If not together, then at least for yourself.

Hang in there!

~ deb
DS born at home 12/03
2 year check up: 25 lbs with clothes on and 35 inches!
BFARed for 20 months and 6 days
(Breastfeeding After Reduction is possible! www.bfar.org)

http://www.bfar.org/members/fora/sty...onths-bfar.jpg

[buddyleebaby]

Jen, I have no advice but I wanted to send you ((hugs)). Try to relax.
Don't get sucked into anymore arguing tonight, it's not good for you or baby.
Hope you feel better come morning, and if not, we're always here.
Take care of yourself.

[SeekerMage]

(((hugs))

I could have written the first part of your post myself. Dh and I have major issues with job sharing and its really putting a stress on our marriage as well. I highly suggest going back to conseling. Maybe there is a common ground that you can find. A way to "find your way back romantically" etc. Being pregnant (I know this one) and having kids and a house etc is stressful, and unfortunately our hubbies just dont understand. Sadly I too dont know what it would take to make them understand. I think that maybe a conselor will help you find a middle ground...or do like my brother and sil do, make a list of chores to do weekly. Maybe if you assign him say dishes, garbage and XYZ then when you ask him to do it its not a big deal. I guess this greatly helped my brothers relationship since they too were having job sharing issues.
The only other thing I can suggest is maybe see if you can find a mamas group or other support outside the house. Having a support group of frineds makes a huge difference in the world! I dont know what to do about his intimacy issues other then find some way to stay connected some how. To me it sounds like conseling, or even "dating" and spending time together somehow is the way to do. Maybe take up a hobby together or something that you can both find a passion for. Those that play together stay together...or something like that. Good luck mama....I sure know what you are going through!

[brittone2]

Oh Jen, I'm so sorry. I don't have anything new to add, but I think getting some form of counseling would be helpful, even if just for yourself to work through some things if DH is not willing to attend. Maybe that would help you to decide what things in your marriage you can compromise on and what needs you can't.

Please stay safe, and if you are wondering whether he might do something to physically harm you, it might be good to get yourself some physical distance just to be sure.

We are here if you need anything.

[maestramommy]

Jen, I don't know you, and I was just cruising through the lounge tonight, but I'm so sorry to hear about your problem. Don't have any answers, but I'll be praying for you (if that doesn't offend you) whenever I can. Stay healthy.

Melinda

[new_mommy25]

Big hugs to you Jen. I'll be thinking about you.

[cara1]

Does he have any idea how you feel?
I'd suggest letting him read your post.
Or better, cutting and pasting it so he doesn't know you posted here.
But he needs to hear your desperation.
And this should be addressed before Baby #2 arrives.
Best of luck.

[peasprout]

It seems like his only saving grace is that he's a great father. If that's true I'm assuming he's pretty involved in your DS's life? Is that something you two can do together,...like go on outings to the park or something centered around your son? And is he interested when you talk about your son and the new things he's doing? I have to admit sometimes I'm not that interested in listening to my DH talk, but the minute he talks about our kids I'm all ears because it's a topic I'm very passionate about.
Regardless, you really need to have a conversation about how you're feeling. He also needs to be able to tell you if it bothers him that you ask him to do the dishes instead of grumbling and acting like a child. Communication is half the battle. Talk everything out, don't let it stew.
I'm sorry this is happening in your life right now. Please keep us posted!
JP