I need help...

[overcome]

I am sitting here CRYING as I let my 7 1/2 month old CIO. I never knew sleep issues would be this trying....

Here's the short version...first three months were horrible...she would only sleep on my chest...I couldn't take it. The ped. said put her on her stomach, so, out of desperation, I did. She slept! Hurray!

Up every 3 or 4 hours and I nursed her. No problem. I was thrilled. Eventually she started sleeping from 8 -5. Little early for me to get up but I loved the stretch of sleep!! Hurray!!

Slowly started getting up once to nurse. No problem.

Fast forward to NOW. She has been waking up crying every 2 to 3 hours for at least the past 3 weeks. Usually she goes right back to sleep if I nurse her. Sometimes she'll go back to sleep if me or DH picks her up and walks with her for a few minutes. Sometimes she won't go back to sleep and stays up resisting for an hour. I am exhausted which means I can't think straight. She doesn't appear to be teething.

I am sick to my stomach. My mother tries to be helpful but she did not breastfeed. She ends up making stupid remarks, which she doesn't mean to be hurtful, but they are(maybe she isn't getting enough, maybe you should feed her more solid food, she is getting into a bad habit). My friends all say it will pass.

Well, I just backpedaled. She had been sobbing hysterically for the past 40 minutes ( i went in every 10 minutes to "soothe" her..didn't make a difference)>I couldn't take her crying. I just let her nurse for about 10 minutes. That soothed her right to sleep.

I feel like such a failure. I wish I had never read a "sleep" book when I was pregnant. Now I feel like I am doing everything wrong; I nurse her to sleep, I don't allow her to "learn" self soothing, I use a pacifier. And on top of that, I feel guilty because I feel I am being selfish..I want to sleep!!!!!

If you made it this far, thanks for listening to me. I guess I just needed to vent. I could go on and on, but I am too tired. I know other ppl have this problem too, and many more people have far worse problems, but this is just kicking my a**.

I've searched through past posts on the subject and I'm starting to think I should just pick a side and stick with it. On one hand I want to follow the attachment parenting philosophy. On the other hand I want my baby to learn to self soothe; I keep picturing some of the first graders I've had on the first day of school who can't tear themselves away from their mommy. I don't want my DD to be like that either.

:(
Ashley

[trumansmom]

My DS was the same way. Some kids just don't self soothe. It's no parenting flaw on your part, it's just the way they are built. My son is now 4 and sleeps soundly through the night in his own bed, but it took a long time to get him there. Suddenly it magically happened. I take no credit for it. It was his time. He's a wonderfully independent little boy who loves to cuddle his mommy when he can.

Don't blame yourself. It's no one's fault. I've been there and everyone in the world told me what I was doing wrong. I read all the stupid sleep books, but none of them were talking about *my* child. Their methods didn't work for him.

I know you're exhausted, but you are going to have to trust your gut. If nursing works - GREAT! If a pacifier works - GREAT! Do what you need for you and your family. Don't worry about breaking the "rules", just worry about getting everyone the rest they need. Does co-sleeping work for you? It saved our lives. He slept with us longer than we wanted, but we all got at least some sleep.

Big, big hugs. I know how hard this is. Please don't make people feel like you are doing something wrong, or have somehow failed. You have not. You are parenting the child you have, not some imaginary child who responds to all the easy answers in the books and from friends and families.

FWIW, my DD sleeps great. It's just who she is. I don't take any credit for that, either.


Jeanne
Mom to Truman 11/01 and Eleanor 4/04

[jenjenfirenjen]

Hugs to you mama. I know it's so hard, especially when you are sleep deprived. Do not feel selfish about wanting sleep. That is a basic human need!

Just a couple of thoughts. First of all, if you feel that CIO is just not for you and your DD, that does NOT mean that she will not learn to self-soothe. There are ways to gently night wean your DD and teach her to self-soothe without CIO. I know that when you're in the thick of it, another book is the last thing you need but "The No Cry Sleep Solution" by Elizabeth Pantley has a lot of great ideas for gently getting your child to self-soothe and/or night wean.

Also, I'm fairly sure that the fact that certain 1st graders don't want to leave their mommies' sides has a lot more to do with that child's particular temperment than whether or not their mom let them CIO when they were babies. Try not to read too much into your method of sleep training. I'm not sure it's going to have THAT big an impact on how your DD turns out in the long run.

Your DD may just not be ready for CIO. She may be so sleep deprived at this point that it's even harder for her to get to sleep. If you both need to catch up on sleep, then do what you have to do to make that happen (nurse her on demand during the night, bring her to bed with you, whatever.) Once you're both caught up, you can try CIO or whatever method you want again.

Hang in there and know that you will get through this and she will sleep throught the night *someday*. Big hugs mama.

[HoneymoonBaby]

I don't know what to tell you because I never got that far nursing, we had to stop at 4 months old. But I wanted you to know that I'm thinking of you and sending sleepy thoughts and prayers your way. It's SO hard to hear them cry. I don't think you were wrong to let her try to CIO, and I don't think you were wrong to go in and nurse her, either. You can always try CIO another night. Tonight she wasn't ready. Twenty to thirty minutes is my personal limit with the crying when it happens, depending on intensity. If they haven't settled down by then, it's time to try something else, IMO. But that's just my experience with my own kid. YMMV.

I know it is hard, though, please don't feel like a selfish mama, you are NOT! You want her to sleep for her OWN good as well as yours! Sometimes kids don't like what's best for them, but they have to deal with it. Occasionally Ian will cry and yell to be let out of his carseat while I am driving. It doesn't happen. He screams, and I grit my teeth and drive. Carseats are non-negotiable. So is sleep. She has to sleep for her health and growth. So you are doing what's best for her when you get her to sleep by whatever method works for you. It's not selfish to want her to sleep. YOU ARE NOT SELFISH.

[JMS]

Hi Ashley,
Well, I've BTDT and now I'm almost there again. It's so hard when you don't sleep and it's also so hard for people who are so far removed from parenting babies to put themselves in your shoes. You need to get rest.. I really can relate to that breaking point situation.
I don't have any solid advice other than to tell you that your DD isn't going to remember the time she spent crying. I don't think there is anything wrong with comforting a baby with your breast; I think that is partly what they are for. I guess I would say that I am a middle-of-the-road parent in my technique and philosophies, but after so many sleep regressions, I finally resorted to CIO with DD when she was about 9 months old and after a few nights she finally slept through. She's now almost 2 1/2 and sleeps great. She generally goes to bed around 8, wakes around 7a and takes a 2 hour afternoon nap. BUT for a long time I wondered if she would ever stop waking up at some point every night. I truly invisioned getting up to soothe up until 7th grade or indefintely. :)
DS is almost 6 months old and had been only getting up 1 time over a 10 hour stretch but is now back to waking to nurse every 3-4 hours and rarely goes a night without getting up atleast 2x. It's so hard, but I'm not at CIO yet with him. I feel like he's still an infant and needs to be comforted. However, if he regresses again and starts to get up hourly, we will attempt CIO. I think that most likely CIO is in our future but I still dread it.
I'm sorry I'm rambling and I'm sorry I don't have any real advice... I just want you to know that myself and many others have been where you are right now and we really feel your pain; I'm exhausted myself but I just need a little more down time before I go to bed. Hang in there; sleeplessness won't last forever and do what you need to do to maintain your sanity.

GL.

[karolyp]

Ashley,

First off BIG (((HUGS))) to you girl. I know all too well where you are coming from. My DD has never EVER been a good sleeper and usually woke up every 2-3 hours since day one. There were even nights were she woke up every 30 minutes and I was seriously just about to lose it. Everyone was telling me to let her CIO, but I just couldn't. I felt she was just too young to do that, kwim? And I was just soo mad at myself bc it seemed like all the other babies we knew were sleeping thought the night!! And not to mention that all those sleep books were making me CRAZY!!!! However, deep down I felt that DD's sleep function didn't work.

So fast forward to now (and I'm praying that I don't jinx myself)...but my girl is FINALLY sleeping!!! A few weeks ago she was waking up and I would go nurse her, but kept having this gut feeling that I was just bothering more than helping her to get back to sleep. So then (at 15 months old) I decided that it was finally time to let her CIO. The next night when she woke up, I didn't go in her room. Sure enough, she fussed for a few minutes and then went RIGHT BACK TO SLEEP!! And it took a couple of nights of short fussing, but now she doesn't even wake up. It still blows DH and my mind away how she's done a complete 360. I honestly believe that whatever sleep function she was lacking as an infant finally kicked in.

So my moral of the story (and sorry for taking so long to get here) is: go with your GUT instinct. If you think your DD needs you, then by all means go in there. Only you will know when the right time to CIO is. But trust me, it will happen, your DD will eventually sleep.

I hope my info helped, and (((hugs)))) again.

[jbowman]

Ashley,

You are not being selfish. You need sleep! Do what works for you and your baby. ITA with Jeanne.

If a pacifier works, use it! If nursing works, no problem! And, if CIO works for you, that's fine too.

I remember I nursed my first daughter to sleep until she was a year old. I thought of it as part of our bedtime ritual, so don't feel guilty. It's hard to believe, but they do "get it" eventually. I never thought Ellie would nap, for instance (and I'm not totally sure Alice will ;)), but she is a great napper now.

(((HUGS)))

[lizajane]

please please please throw the "rules" out the window. do what YOU think is best. what YOU want to do. clearly, you are taking good care of your child, which is most important. now, onto the next most important- taking good care of YOU. if you need to sleep, then make it happen. if that means nursing every time she wakes up because it ends the wake-up fast, then do it. if that means letting her cry, then do it. BUT promise me one thing: DO NOT SIT THERE AND LISTEN TO HER CRY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! use the light on the monitor and glance over at it every now and then. DO NOT sit outside the door and listen to ever whimper!!!!! it won't do either of you any good!!!

if you need to let her cry, it sounds like going back in is just making it worse. that is what happen with schuyler. once i left him alone, he went to sleep within 20 minutes. and the next night, 15 minutes, and the next night, fewer than 5!

if CIO isn't for you or doesn't work for her, then nurse!!! dylan is 16 months and STILL doesn't reliably sleep all night. my PED told me to turn off the monitor. um, no. (we are talking about a baby who i have found covered in vomit in the middle of the night on more than one occasion this spring...) CIO just does not work for him. he will scream until morning. my mom said i was the same way. he just gets louder and louder... i have been THAT desperate. and i tried and tried to make CIO work. it just didn't work for him. so i nursed him back to sleep. then i got to go back to sleep.

you are not doing anything wrong. just be sure you take care of YOU, too. taking care of yourself IS taking care of you DD. she needs a rested mommy!!!!

[KrisM]

I don't have any advice on the CIO or sleep issues that the PPs haven't mentioned.

I just want to say that if your mom is making unhelpful comments, stop telling her about the sleep problems. This is what I had to do. She would ask how he slept (and still does sometimes), and I just say "fine" and leave it at that. It's not worth it to have to deal with those comments.

[almostamom]

Ashley, first, hang in there and try not to be so hard on yourself. I am another person who believes in "go with your gut". Do whatever it takes for both of you to get the rest you need. There's no guilt of selfishness involved in that. At about 15 mos. my DS had a sinus infection. It affected his sleep and he started waking up during the night. He needed me to comfort him back to sleep. I can't tell you how many friends told me to try CIO because it worked for them. Well, I tried. I think the longest I made it was 18 minutes and by that time I was the one crying it out! ;) His new waking habit lasted 5 weeks, but he did eventually sleep through again. Some things work for some babies, other things work for other babies. Do whatever works for you. Good luck and may you get some much needed rest tonight. :)

Hugs,
~Linda~
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