Advanced Maternal Age . . .

[jayali]

So I am sitting here reading the responses to Debbie's post about one versus two kids. We are in the same boat one child on the fence about a second. I was wondering if you all feel that a certain age is too old for you to TTC.

The reason I am looking for responses to this is because I am 43 and we are thinking about our second. I was 41 when Matthew was born and am really feeling the pressure about a decision for number two. My college roommate is TTC and she is 45. So I was just wondering how other people felt about age and family planning.

I really don't want to start a debate and I do know that as you age the chances increase tremendously for birth defects. We miscarried our first because of trisomy 21, I was 39. I really am just looking for peoples views and life experiences.

[ribbit1019]

I am only 28 now, but I told DH we weren't having any after I was 35. This is mostly because I don't want a HUGE gap in between the kids and well I can just see myself wanting to be done with the whole pregnancy/childbirth/infant stages around then.

DH is settled with two right now. I would really like a couple more in a 3-4 years. I am taking the wait and see stance on that.

Christy
My Waterbabies
Maddy 6/9/04
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& Jarred 3/8/06, 14 lb 24 1/2" @ 10 wks, a happily breastfed babe.
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[dogmom]

I'm expecting my second at 40, my DH is 43. I could have stopped with one. (pregnancy that is) If I hadn't gotten pregnant this fall I would have adopted a toddler or older child in a few years. We started trying to have kids after only being married for 2 years, and together for less than three years total, because as my husband says, "I don't want to be 60 with teenagers." I think it is something to really think about. I just had a really great patient, dying of metastatic cancer, in his mid 70's. He has a son that looks about 19-20, just starting college, from a second marriage. He's been very involved in his father's care and supporting his mother, but I know my patient would have rather his son not be there watching him die. Although it can happen at any time, I don't want my kids picking out my nursing home before they hit 30. I'd also like a few years between college tuition and my body completely falling apart. I got to admit with this pregancy I feel like my body is telling me, "Excuse me, maybe you didn't get the memo, but the next big thing on the reproductive agenda was menopause!"


Jeanne
Mom to Harvey
1/16/03
& Eve
EDC 6/18/06

[maestramommy]

DD was born when I was practically 37, and we will being TTC again when I am 38. We hadn't been together long before getting married so we wanted some time together first. Now I just want DD to be physically more mobile/independent before #2. Right now I think my chances are pretty good, but you never know. However, we didn't want to hurry things because of fear (of all the issues with age). That said, DH says the only thing that makes it a little sad is that he'll be looking at retirement when DD hits college. Otherwise we don't regret our ages one bit.

ETA: If I had gotten married in my 20's, I would've never had this wonderful teaching job that I LOVED for 8 years. I would've missed out on a ton things. Like DH, for one thing :-). Not saying this to be selfish, but by the time we were TTC I felt like I had done enough things that I can probably never do now.

[Roleysmom]

Fifty is the age that comes to my mind. I realize that having a child at that age would most likely be through adoption, but for me the question is more about at what age would you feel done with adding a child to your family, regardless of the circumstances of how that child joined your life.

If you asked me this question 25 years ago, you would have gotten a very different answer. My mother was 43 when she delivered me and my father was the same age. When I was a teen, I was very vocal about my feelings that it was awful to have an older parent and that I would never be old when I had a child. My reasoning was very simple. The older you are when you have a child, the younger that child will be when you die. It's important to note here that I was nine when my dad died. My mother's only response was that most people don't die at 53 and that it would have been an awful blow no matter how old I was. And that there are lots of other factors that come into play. I didn't believe her at the time, but now I understand it a little better. My siblings were in their early 20s when my dad died and I think that separate from losing a parent as a child, which can be a life-altering event, that age ranks second as one of the worst times to lose a parent.

I was parentless by the time I was 31, and while I think these experiences have shaped who I am, I'm not completely defined by them.

Despite my assurance that I would never ever be an older parent, we didn't have Roley until 35 and if we have a second, I would be 40 at the youngest. At this point, my fears rest on the higher chances of developmental delays in a pregnancy in my 40s and not on the fact that I might die when my children are young. Go figure. I'm sure I can hear my mother's laughter!

Paula
Mom to Roley Julia, January '02

[egoldber]

Well, what OBs mean by AMA is 35.

My plan was to have 2 children in my early 30s and be done. I had Sarah at 32, and thought wow that was easy, let's do it again. I did NOT want to have children after the age of 35. Well, life has not worked out the way I planned. I was 36 when I had Leah. I will be 38 when this baby is born (knock on wood). I never saw myself giving birth at 38, and well, here I am.

I now have a mental block about being pregnant and giving birth after 40. But you know, I am no longer ruling it out because you never know what life is going to deal out to you. I am now a firm believe in never say never. You really do NOT know what you will do until you are actually faced with that situation. You may think you know, but you don't.

[tina-t]

I was 37 when I had ds and am now 40 when I deliver this second baby. I did not meet dh until I was 32 and got married at around 34. We had to live separately for a while because of the job situation and did not TTC until I was around 35. Unfortunately, it was not as easy as we thought it would be. It took a while and we had one mc before ds and another mc before our second child.

If circumstances were different, I think I would have preferred to have kids earlier rather than later. I probably would have more energy and may ( or may not) have had so many problems with TTC. I'm pretty sure that we will stop after the second child. My body just feels tired and old, lol.

[sidmand]

I don't think I have a certain age, although like a PP mentioned, 50 seems *old* to have a new baby, but I think it's more how healthy you are and what you can handle. A newborn is tough--harder than I ever would have thought! But if you're emotionally and physically prepared for that, I think to some extent that age is relative.

Maybe when I was younger (I'm 35 now, just missed AMA with DS!), I would've been better physically, but definitely not emotionally. If I had had DS 10 years ago, I was still too selfish and not ready to change the way I would've needed to. I feel like now was the perfect time for me to have DS (and DH feels much the same way).

As far as your parents not being around because they're older--that is a valid point. My cousin had her first when she was 36 and her DH was 50. But anything can happen. My parents had me when they were 27 and my Mom died in a freak (the doctor's terminology, not mine) heart attack when she was 52. Granted I was *grown up* by then and it's not the same as if she died when I was in my formative years, but she's still not here to see DS and to be a part of my life.

So, I don't think I would let age itself stop me. If I felt like I could handle it and my body could handle it, I don't think I think of a certain age.

Debbie

Mom to Sawyer!
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[daniele_ut]

>I now have a mental block about being pregnant and giving
>birth after 40. But you know, I am no longer ruling it out
>because you never know what life is going to deal out to you.
>I am now a firm believe in never say never. You really do NOT
>know what you will do until you are actually faced with that
>situation. You may think you know, but you don't.

Well said, Beth. I am in a similar position, though a little younger. I had planned to have my first baby before I turned 30, and ended up being 30 when I had her. We planned to wait about 2 years and have another, then 2 years and another and be done when I was 35. Well, we were dealt a very different hand and I was pregnant again 9 months after Kiely died. Now, I'm 33 and we're still not ready to TTC again. I'm pretty sure that I will be pushing 40 by the time we get to #4, which I never anticipated, but we will just take things as they come, I guess!

[pb&j]

I hear ya, sisters. Life is what happens while you're making other plans, right?


-Ry,
mom to Emma, stillborn 11/04/04
and Max, 01/05/06

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