RE: Sad news and painful topic
My best advice is to try and find some way of giving her long term support. After you lose a child, people rally around you in the early weeks, but support tends to taper off after a month or two. But for many people, thats when grief REALLY sets in. In the early weeks you tend to be in shock and kind of operate on auto-pilot. As the shock wears off, the intensity and permanancy of the loss starts to hit you.
Just some tips, though:
Don't be afraid to tell her how sorry you are for her loss.
DO mention her child to her. You can't "remind" her of her loss. She's thinking about it all the time anyway.
Don't say anything like : "Its better this way." "God must have a purpose (even if she's religious)."
Suggest things to her, don't ask her what she needs. "How about I bring a meal to you on Thursday?" Not, "Do you need any meals?"
Ask her if she needs child care help. Sometimes there are things the parents need to do (make funeral arrangements, pick up remains or the child's belongings, see a therapist) where you just can't bring your older child with you.
Ask her if she wants help going through things she may have prepared ahead of time for the baby. Thats a wretched, lonely task.
You may not be comfortable with some of these depending on how close you are. But all are nice offers that would not be inappropriate.
Beth, mom to older DD (8/01) and younger DD (10/06) and always missing Leah (4/22 - 5/1/05)