Sad news and painful topic

[Eloise36]

I apologize in advance for any pain caused but my MOMS Club needs your advice and words of wisdom. One of the moms in DD's playgroup (and fellow MOMS Club member) lost her unborn baby last week when she was 8 months pregnant. Everything was fine on Tuesday but on Wednesday morning, she didn't feel the baby move. She went to the emergency room on Wednesday afternoon to find out that her baby had no heartbeat. The baby had to be delivered via c-section on Thursday because her placenta was too low, and she had to go under general anesthesia because she had been taking baby aspirin. She's still in the hospital recovering but will come home today or tomorrow. I can't even imagine the trauma and grief that she, her husband and soon-to-be-2 year old DD are going through, but luckily she and her husband had her mom, dad and sister there throughout this ordeal. The ladies in my MOMS Club and playgroup want to be there for her and do whatever it takes to support her, her husband and daughter because they have no family locally. What are things we can do? Are there any resources we can look for about helping in situations like this?

Sorry for ending this so abruptly but DD and DS are crying. Thanks so much for any advice you can give.

[jamsmu]

We had this happen in our MOMS Club last year. The mom was 7 months along. We set up meals for her, and they lasted about 4 months, about 2 times a week. We also offered to help with her son, but she really wanted to be with him.

It took a while for her to get back in the swing of things. I'm not too close with her, but I know the girls in her playgroup called and e-mailed to check on her every now and then. I know she really valued the time with her DS.

She's now pregnant and due next month. I ran into her the other day and she said the last trimester has been SO difficult for her. But she's getting through it and can't wait.

Best thing, just let her know you are here for her when she needs it.

[daniele_ut]

I lost my daughter at 27 weeks very unexpectedly and thankfully had lots of support from members of our church and from DH's family, since mine is so far away. I had to have an emergency c-section and my recovery was difficult and compounded by grief.

Our church members helped to plan the funeral and provided food afterward for all of our family and friends who attended. I had just been released from the hospital 2 days before, so this was an enormous help to us. Meals were brought in every night for 2 weeks and several times when DH had to be gone for the day, we had friends come over to stay with me and help while I was recovering.

Kiely was my first child, so I didn't have a toddler to care for, but I am sure it will be difficult for your friend to recover from a c-section while trying to take care of her DD. Perhaps an offer to babysit her at your home for a few hours to give the grieving parents some time alone would be a good gesture.

We received lots of flowers from well meaning friends and they were appreciated, but even more appreciated were the plants that were given to us by a few friends. The flowers died quickly, but the plants lasted for years and were a constant reminder of the many kindnesses I received during that time. We also received a couple of Willow Tree figurines that I loved and I now collect those. They remind me of my daughter now in a good way.

Your friend may want to talk about her experience, about the delivery, and about her daughter. It may be uncomfortable for some people, but it is part of the healing process and it is important for her to be able to share her daughter with others. For me, it helped to validate Kiely's existence. It proved to me that she was here with us, no matter how briefly. If the hospital or the family took pictures, she may want to share them with you. Call her daughter by name when you talk about her. Don't be afraid to talk about her with your friend. Some people think that *not* bringing up their loss will help them to forget, but it doesn't work that way. We are approaching our daughter's 4th birthday in April, and there isn't a day that passes when I don't think about her, but it isn't as painful as it was in those first tender days.

It may not be the case for everyone, but for me and many of the women in my support groups, new babies and pregnant women were difficult for me to handle for many months afterward. I had a great deal of anger to work through in those early months.

One great resource for grieving parents and their family and friends is SHARE Pregnancy and Infant Loss Support. www.nationalshareoffice.com I attended, and sometimes still attend, SHARE meetings regularly in my community for a long time after Kiely was born. Her hospital social worker will hopefully give her some information about SHARE, but if not, I would recommend directing her there.

Here is a link from SHARE specifically about stillbirth:
http://www.nationalshareoffice.com/r...rn_still.shtml

And another that details how to support grieving parents:
http://www.nationalshareoffice.com/r..._parents.shtml

You are a good friend for wanting to help your friends. I am so sorry for your their loss.

[egoldber]

My best advice is to try and find some way of giving her long term support. After you lose a child, people rally around you in the early weeks, but support tends to taper off after a month or two. But for many people, thats when grief REALLY sets in. In the early weeks you tend to be in shock and kind of operate on auto-pilot. As the shock wears off, the intensity and permanancy of the loss starts to hit you.

Just some tips, though:

Don't be afraid to tell her how sorry you are for her loss.

DO mention her child to her. You can't "remind" her of her loss. She's thinking about it all the time anyway.

Don't say anything like : "Its better this way." "God must have a purpose (even if she's religious)."

Suggest things to her, don't ask her what she needs. "How about I bring a meal to you on Thursday?" Not, "Do you need any meals?"

Ask her if she needs child care help. Sometimes there are things the parents need to do (make funeral arrangements, pick up remains or the child's belongings, see a therapist) where you just can't bring your older child with you.

Ask her if she wants help going through things she may have prepared ahead of time for the baby. Thats a wretched, lonely task.

You may not be comfortable with some of these depending on how close you are. But all are nice offers that would not be inappropriate.

[lizajane]

there is a company in my area called "the other woman" that will do cleaning, errands, organzing, etc etc. they work by the hour and do what you ask. i know some pregnant moms who would love to have this service just to help when the baby comes. it might be helpful to find this kind of service to do cleaning or mundane errands like picking up more dog food that could be forgotten during the stress. i am not speaking from experience, for which i feel very blessed as i read your post. but it is what i would try to do if i had a friend in this kind of pain.

[Lovingliv]

Thanks to both of you.....those were extremely insightful answers. It is sometimes hard to know what to do and what to say. It is also hard to know what will be helpful. Thanks for your views.

[Eloise36]

Thank you all so much! I really got a lot of insights and tips to share with my MOMS Club and playgroup in this difficult time. If it's alright with all of you, I would like to forward your responses to my MOMS Club as food for thought and to help us learn how we can best support our friend.

Daniele and Beth, please accept my heartfelt thanks for sharing your stories so we can learn how to support our friend better. It was extremely generous and thoughtful of you to do something that must caused you pain. I am very grateful to you for sharing your experiences, feelings, insights and words of wisdom. What you have done is one more reason why BBB is such a wonderful and caring community.

My friend is now home. She was very grateful for our offer of dinners because she and her mom have no heart to cook. They are too devastated. Her family and her husband's family are coming in this week for the church service, which will take place on Saturday, so extra food is very much needed. The other moms and I will be bringing her meals every day this week and next week, and meals twice a week for the next couple of months. We will also help out at the church service as needed, as well as order a flower arrangement or plant for the service. Some moms have offered to take care of her DD at various times this week so she and her husband can get things done. I hear you loud and clear about the need to provide ongoing support. I think all the moms in her playgroup will take turns calling her twice a week for the next few months to make sure she's ok and to offer whatever help and support she needs.

[kellyotn]

I have not BTDT, but did have a NICU baby. I remember seeing a pamphlet or something in the NICU - one of the bullet points that stuck with me is not to question what happened. Its human nature to "what if" a sad situation and to try and find an answer. But to the grieving parent, asking "WHY didn't your doctor....?! They should have done this..... I always heard that if you don't feel kicks you should...." does nothing to help them.

The other bullet points that I remember have been covered already.

I'm so, so sorry for your friend.