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  1. #1
    shilo is offline Sapphire level (2000+ posts)
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    Default need some advice from moms of mellow/reserved toddlers...

    my son is very/has always been a very mellow, low strung, wise, take it all in at once kind of personality. my BFF's DD (7wks younger than sam) is just the opposite - always on the go go go, precocious, high energy, a true fly by the seat of your pants kinda girly (her daddy was a real honest to goodness "top gun" fighter pilot - gee, i wonder where she gets it :)).

    now that they are actually playing 'with' eachother more and more (rather than just parallel play), i'm finding myself in a bit of a pickle. i feel like BFF feels like she needs to constantly be apologizing for her DD's exuberance when they're playing together - and actually, for the most part, it never really bothers me. so DS gets knocked over (and he gets up and brushes himself off and goes right on playing), or goes second down the slide, no biggie, that's life. i figure if he's not upset by it, i'm not going to be.

    while i don't want to step on my BFF's toes in her parenting choices, and while i admire her patience and effort in trying to teach a 22mos old the first lessons in manners, sharing, turn taking, etc, i also don't want her (or her DD) to feel like a little extra spirit is anything to be apologizing for.

    same goes for me tho - while i want DS to be confident, independent, resillient and not upset by little things, i also don't want to teach him that it's ok to let anyone bully him (not that i think that's what BFF's DD is doing!), just in general. i tend to be pretty laid back unless he seems upset by it. since we spend so much time with my BFF and her DD, it's made me more aware that i do it in other playground/preschool situations too, with all sorts of his 'peers' (not so much with older kids - i usually do take a stronger stance there intuitively).

    i feel like maybe i'm letting sam down in my responsibility to teach him how to stand up for himself.

    so how do i walk that line? when do i say "it's ok, he's just fine" or "no biggie, that's life" and when do i try to turn it into a lesson for him/both of them (ie. enforcing turn taking in my son's favor, or "oppsies, it would be really nice if you help sam up" kind of thing).

    i guess because he is a more mellow/reserved, stand back and observe first kind of kiddo i find myself doing a lot of "it's ok" when another child takes something he was contemplating playing with or cuts in line or whatever. while i don't want him to be a whiner about these kinds of things as he gets older, i don't want him to be a door mat either!

    help me? guide me!
    TIA, lori
    Sam 5/19/05 How lucky I am that you chose me.

  2. #2
    niccig is offline Clean Sweep forum moderator
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    Default RE: need some advice from moms of mellow/reserved toddlers...

    My DS is more like your friend's DD, and one of his playgroup friends is like your DS. My friend kept saying it was OK for DS to take the toy as her DS didn't get upset. I said it wasn't. I didn't want DS to think he could push the other boy around. I do make DS give back the toy or take his turn. And I do that with me, when we play together he'll want to take what I have, and I get him to ask me or to wait a few minutes. He can't just snatch what he wants from anyone.

    As for accidental pushing, that happens. If it's deliberate, that's something different.

    At the park, older kids will cut in front of DS, and if the parent doesn't say something, I tell them that they need to wait until my DS is finished, and I make sure DS gives them a turn.

    I say, let your friend guide her DD on taking turns, and encourage your DS to stand up and take his turn- it's a good lesson for both of them.

  3. #3
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    Default RE: need some advice from moms of mellow/reserved toddlers...

    Thanks for asking this. I'll be looking forward to reading responses because my DS sounds a bit like yours, but to the extreme!

    He's really tall for his age and I've said, I don't want him to turn into a bully, but what the heck, sometimes you need to stand up for yourself. I just remember at the holidays, all the little ones got a candy cane. A little girl in our playgroup came up to him and he basically threw it at her and ran away! I thought, at least stand your ground! :) And it doesn't bother him so much when someone takes his toy, so I never know whether to say something or not. He just moves on, but it's a good point that you don't want that to always happen because it teaches the other one that that is okay, and eventually, DS may not be so laid back when someone takes his toy!

    DS is extremely shy though too, so that probably adds to our situation. The two things I didn't want to pass on to DS, my fear of dogs, and my shyness are the two things he has to the extreme!

    Debbie
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  4. #4
    gatorsmom is offline Pink Diamond level (15,000+ posts)
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    Default RE: need some advice from moms of mellow/reserved toddlers...

    My first son, who is now almost 4, was just like your son at that age. He had a lot of rambunctious friends and he would let them push him around or hurt him and just start to cry. It would really stress me out. I even avoided the friends with the badly behaved kids (I'm not saying your friend's daughter is badly behaved. I would probably have perceived it that way at the time, though).

    But they get older and become more aware of situations and you will even be able to explain things to him to help him understand how to perceive a situation. And he will be able to speak up for himself. For example, DS#1 is now 46 months old and for the past year or more I"ve been able to tell him before he plays with his friends, "now, if he starts to hit, just walk away. He doesn't mean to hurt you, he is just excited to see you." or, "If he wants your toy, just give it to him, that way he won't hit. You can play with it again as soon as he puts it down." It works great.

    With a first time child, you can't foresee how children will change. But how your son is acting now will probably change over the next couple years. And I promise that his first social experiences now will have VERY little influence on his behavior or personality. In other words, short of abuse by other unruly kids, it's not going to affect the development of his social skills.

    DS#1 is now able to play and keep up with the other kids his age and initiates play all the time. He stays away from the bullies (even tells them off, "Hey, that's not nice!"), and generally is able to get on well with lots of kids his age. He'll turn 4 in July.

    I remember well what you are going through because now my 22 month old is really starting to interact with his friends. And now, the second time around, I know everything will be fine no matter what he goes through. When he's with his little friends, I just step in when I see there is going to be a potential injury.

    HTH!

    Lisa
    Mom to Gator July 2003
    And Cha-Cha July 2005
    and surprise! twins due 11/07!

  5. #5
    Melanie is offline Red Diamond level (10,000+ posts)
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    Default RE: need some advice from moms of mellow/reserved toddlers...

    Well, it looks like I'm going to have one of each of those personality types, and I am finding I struggle with the same as your friend. I'm at a loss since my first just didn't do those things. I am embarrassed that Dd does, and really want to teach her it is not okay. It's so difficult. Anyway, what I'm trying to do more and more is just let them work it out. I think perhaps you could just say, "As long as no one is getting hurt, let's let them work it out on their own." If they need help "working it out," you could be ready to shadow and help provide words like, "Jane, John was playing with that. When he is through, I will make sure you get a turn." Or "John, it looks like Jane would like a turn with that toy now. Let's give it to her so you can play with XYZ."
    Boy - 10 years, Girl - 6 Years Old!, (What am I still doing here?! LOL) Dog - Eternal Puppy , Me - Done .

  6. #6
    anamika is offline Sapphire level (2000+ posts)
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    Default RE: need some advice from moms of mellow/reserved toddlers...

    My DD (2.5 y.o.)is exactly like your DS. Once one of the kids from playgroup had her hands around DD's neck (like she was strangling her) but DD didn't protest - so I thought the other girl may not have used too much force. I sort of stepped in and said be gentle or something (the mom didn't). DD told me much later that she got hurt. I was so upset that hadn't stepped in earlier.
    I have started teaching her to say firmly, 'Don't do that. It hurts me.' when kids push her or get physical otherwise. She does say it sometimes but the other kids don't always listen. But atleast she's making a stand. Often her saying that will cause the other kid's mom to step in.
    Also, like a PP said accidentally pushing is different from deliberate things like strangling (yep, I'm still bitter about that)!
    If your friend wants to teach her DD about sharing/taking turns, that's great and I would be fine with that. Her DD has to deal with other kids too, whose moms may not be so understanding as you. Your friend doesn't need to apologize to you each time though :) so maybe you can tell her that.
    Also I've sort of resigned myself to the fact that my kid is never going to be the aggressive, fight-for-the-toy kind and that's fine. It takes all kinds to make the world :)
    “Live a good life. If there are gods and they are just, then they will not care how devout you have been, but will welcome you based on the virtues you have lived by. If there are gods, but unjust, then you should not want to worship them. If there are no gods, then you will be gone, but will have lived a noble life that will live on in the memories of your loved ones.”
    ― Marcus Aurelius

  7. #7
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    DrSally is offline Pink Diamond level (15,000+ posts)
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    Default RE: need some advice from moms of mellow/reserved toddlers...

    That's a good question. I'll be reading what others have to say. DS is still young and not actually playing "with" too much, but last time we went to the library there were only 2 other kids there and he got something taken out of his hand by each (they were older). He just looks and doesn't have too much of a reaction. He is definitely a "take it all in" kid too. I, too, don't want to always be intervening for my child, but I don't want him to be bullied as well. Also, I want to give him the msg. that it's ok to be how he is (I'm that way too). And, I definitely don't think there's anything wrong with spirited, high-energy children. I esp. don't want to see it squashed in girls. Although, at my last LLL mtg, there was a little girl who was chasing DS trying to get his toy away to the point of knocking him over backwards and making him cry, taking cookies right out of the hands of another little boy, etc. The mother cheered her on for "defending herself" when another little squirmish happened (I didn't see it), but I wondered if she was going a little too far and not reigning her daughter in enough. Tough to get that balance, I agree.
    Sally

    My Joyful DS
    My Lovely DD

    Please excuse the typos. Getting used to a virtual keyboard

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