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  1. #1
    SASM is offline Diamond level (5000+ posts)
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    Default Please help...I am soooooo in need of coping techniques right now

    To put it mildly, I have had a very bad week. I found out on Tuesday that my grandmother, who lives quite a distance away, has recurrent cancer. It is inoperable and they are giving her 5-6 months. She is planning on starting either chemo or radiation again but she had a rough time with it the last time and I fear that she will not feel comfortable in the end. She keeps saying that she feels great right now but that is obviously before the treatment starts. There is no talking to her, as she thinks this is the best option for my grandfather to deal with ~ she wants to stay strong for him. She is soooo stubborn! So...she doesn't want me to come down and help them get "situated". She wasn't even planning on telling me, or anyone for that matter, about this recent finding b/c she didn't want to stress me out during the pregnancy. So...DH and I are currenttly trying to find a long weekend in his schedule so that we can travel down there before my travel rights are cut off my the OB (coming up next month) so she can see Ian, Bryn, and the belly once more, since I am not sure if she'll still be with us after the baby is born. UGH!!!!!!!!!!!!

    That is just the tip of the iceberg. A week and a half ago, our computer crashed. I immediately began grieving the loss of my 7500+ photos that I hadn't been able to sort through, burn to a DVD, and send to get printed. This was going to be my summer before-the-baby-is-born project. I'd delayed it obviously long enough and was all eager to get started, then...CRASH!!!! :( Anyway...I grieved, was QUITE angry at myself, and finally accepted it. Then, the techs were saying that they'd be able to recover the photos by burning them to a DVD...no problem. They could also transfer the photos to another harddrive with even better results. We were finally able to buy a computer today. They had "successfully" burned the photos to a DVd and while I was checking the photos out, they said that I couldn't view them b/c their computers didn't have the same hardware. Hmmm...makes sense. So, we had them transfer the data to the new harddrive along with all of the programs, just to be on the safe side. NOTHING! Well...I should say that. They did successfully recover some excellent photos of animals from the zoo. I have taken a TON of photos of the zoo animals for Ian during our many trips. That was practically it. Well...That and the MANY photos that people have sent us throughout the years of their kids. All of those photos downloaded from emails look GREAT! All of the photos from our various trips, birthdays (including Bryn's first),a nd memorable moments are gone. And I have to grieve all over again. What makes me more upset than anything else is the way that DH is handling this. Grantly, I am a mom who is extremely pregnant and hormonal, BUT I think that I would have reacted the same regardless. I am soooo mad at myself for making excuses as to why I couldn't burn them or print them out. I am even more mad at DH b/c he is just being DH ~ an objective-thinking guy who just shrugs it off ~ it happened, cannot do anything about it. This is coming from a guy who has excellent memory. I have a VERY poor memory ~ I can BARELY remember Bryn as a baby. I have photos to help me remember. Whenever I have a frustrating day, I'll click on the computer and pull up my favorite memories. I'd "star" the photos and crisp them up, get them ready for downloading, and that was it. I am just so disappointed in me b/c along with the photos go my memories and my babies.

    Then, to top it off, today I had my 25-wk OB visit. They are concerned about my weight gain and BP. Granted, I am obviously under stress, which probably solves the BP issue. It also kind of explains the weight ~ I normally crave chocolate and sweets but even moreso while under stress. I don't just eat a little in the evening as I unwind from the day, I also eat it throughout the day when I need a pick-me-up. So...the NP is concerned that I might develop gest diabetes and possibly preeclampsia. This cannot happen. I realize that eating is definitely NOT the way to handle stress but studies show that chocolate does make people happy, right? How can they take away my chocolate???!!!!

    So...my grandma is dying and I am not sure if I'll be able to see her before she goes; I might not be able to make it home to see my family and friends, who live 10 hours away in the opposite direction, before the 32-week travel cut-off, let alone before February (sorry...didn't touch on that topic); my photos and memories are gone forever and I am soooo mad at myself all over again; I am soooooo pi$$ed off at DH for being oblivious to the affects of the stresses of the above mentioned; and now my health and that of my baby's is possibly an issue. I only hope that this week gets better. I am toying of the idea of going home ina couple of weeks with the kids, sans DH, but am NOT looking forward to that trip. UGH!!!!!

    So...Any coping techniques that work for you that might help me get through this? I was toying with asking about Zoloft, as I am sure that the grandma "issue" will be with me for a while and I have been sooooo short with the kids lately. I am not sure if I want to take more meds, though. I have a yoga DVd that I can try but the time-of-day issue is still an issue for me. My kids wake up before me (VERY EARLY) and I really like to use the evening as a time to lay down, raise my legs and relax. I guess that yoga is relaxing but not my idea of "elevating my legs". I also would like to get in more exercise but it has been so hot here I cannot fathom getting out after 9am for a walk. UGH!!! Any ideas???

    Sorry about the extremely lengthy novel. At least now I feel as though I can try to go back to bed. :) THANK YOU. Sorry, also, for the typos and rambling.
    Mom to:
    1 BLUE (03) and 2 PINK (05 & 07)
    ^i^ 10.01 & 12.03

    Pardon my typos...blasted Auto-correct!!

  2. #2
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    Default RE: Please help...I am soooooo in need of coping techniques right now

    I can really sympathize on the computer front. I accidentally deleted a full flash card, losing photos from DD2's third week of life to 3rd month, roughly. Another time, DH lost his entire hard drive - his entire professional life as a professor. He missed a flight to Norway because of it, made two or three 4 hour round trips in the wee hours of the morning to an expert repair shop, and we paid $1,300 out of our pockets to get it all back, plus the $800 for the missed flight which we also had to eat. It took me over a year to not fume when I thought of it.

    I used recover my photos (online download) to get many of the photos back, but I have been tantalized more than once by recoveries that seem complete but really are not.

    You can always remember a phrase from my parents when they shot a roll of empty film on vacation: "The best pictures are in the mind's eye." If there are specific photos you remember, you might write down a description and/or sketch them out, maybe in a journal or somewhere you can refer to it. This serves two purposes: you vent while writing it down... "I had the best photo I've ever seen of my mom with her grandchild and it's gone!"... as well as exercising your memory of the photo and making it more likely you remember it. Just to torture myself, I did this with all my excellent photos that DIDN'T get recovered (including the real life example of the one I described above) and 2 1/2 years later, I still remember the photos somewhat well.

    Also, if you lost any of your maraton photos, you could go here to try and get them because I remember you posted some.

    As for the pregnancy, I would say don't worry about what hasn't happened yet. You haven't been diagnosed yet, and you can cut down on some of your eating until then. You could try walking in an air conditioned mall. In the mornings, if you are motivated to walk then, maybe you could do it while your DH is still home or see if you're comfortable leaving the kids inside with a baby monitor while you walk in circles in a very small radius (like 4 house radius) around your house.

    I don't know what to say about your grandma except hugs.
    Advice and commentary on living overseas

    DD1 15, DD2 12, and DS 9

  3. #3
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    Default RE: Please help...I am soooooo in need of coping techniques right now

    Sharyn, I wish I had some great advice, but quite frankly, I'm overwhelmed too! That's quite a lot to deal with.

    I can offer lots of hugs though.
    Candy

    Matthew 5/02
    Ethan 10/07
    Praying for Pink in 2013/2014

  4. #4
    mommyoftwo Guest

    Default RE: Please help...I am soooooo in need of coping techniques right now

    Sharyn, I'm SOOOOO sorry about the pictures. I was really hoping that you would be able to recover them when you told me about it. I'm also extremely sorry to hear about your grandma. I went through something similar last fall and lost both my grandmas within six weeks of each other. I definitely think that you should talk to your doctor about the stresses you are under and consider meds. Meeting with a therapist to talk about everything that's going on will probably help your stress level considerably. Hopefully that will help the bloodpressure and weight gain issues as well. Let me know if you want to talk more about it over the phone.

  5. #5
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    Default RE: Please help...I am soooooo in need of coping techniques right now

    Big, big hugs...that is way too much for one person to go through in a short period of time in your condition. I imagine you are exhausted just having posted it all, but hopefully that in and of itself are some kind of release.

    That aside, I think denial is highly under-rated. Sometimes you just have to let go and find distractions that take your mind off stressful situations. PIT and gestational diabetes are no joke...this is your health. As humans we possess the rare ability to slip into a happy/numb state of denial so we can go on and function until we can be in a safe place to process the emotions/events that are going on. My therapist gave me a great coping technique one time when I had a hard time letting go of a stressful series of events. Write down everything that's bothering you on a piece of paper. Get it all out...all the feelings and side effects they bring. Then, rip up the piece of paper and light it on fire. Take the ashes and flush them down the toilet. Make a ceremony out of it...seriously!! You have to let some things go or they will kill you.

    Secondly, say the serenity prayer. I don't know if you're spiritual/religious or not, but its beauty lies in its simplicity:
    God grant me the serenity
    to accept the things I cannot change;
    courage to change the things I can;
    and wisdom to know the difference.

    It helps...just say it over and over.

    And I don't know the whole home situation, but maybe asking a neighbor to look after the kiddos while you take a walk might be good for you. Tell the trees about how great your grandmother was and all that she means to you...cry, let go, find peace, let HER go, and imagine her tenacity of spirit giving you the courage and strength to get through this dificult time. There's no shame in modern medicine, but hopefully you can find peace and acceptance without it. Hugs to you. I totally know what a bad day looks like...mine was yesterday...but the good news is that even this morning after releasing the burden of events beyond my control...*parts* of impossible dilemma are starting to resolve. So, peace sister!




  6. #6
    mommy111 is offline Diamond level (5000+ posts)
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    Default RE: Please help...I am soooooo in need of coping techniques right now

    First off, hugs.
    I so agree with the denial bit.....take an evening off, go with a girlfriend and watch a good movie, then have dinner. Don't think about home, kids, photos, anything. The most important thing is to get your blood pressure/stress under control, make sure the baby's OK and also so that you can travel to see grandma. As for the photos and the happy memories, I completely hear where you're coming from, but hopefully you'll have many more years of happy memories soming along to you.
    BTW, did you try contacting the technicians to figure out if there is a software conversion that will allow you to see the photos?
    Take care of yourself.
    '...everything can be taken from a man but one thing, the Last of the Human Freedoms, the ability to choose one's behavior in any set of circumstances, the Freedom to Choose One's Own Way.' -Viktor Frankle

    Created by MyFitnessPal.com - Free Calorie Chart

  7. #7
    gatorsmom is offline Pink Diamond level (15,000+ posts)
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    Default RE: Please help...I am soooooo in need of coping techniques right now

    oh, gosh, you need lots of hugs. I thought of a few coping techniques that might help.

    First, about the pictures, can you send a note and/or email to all your friends and family who might have received photos from you of your children or who may have taken photos of your kids at holiday and birthday functions to see if they have photos that include your kids and can send you? I'm sure that some of your friends and family could send you some, at least. If you had professional pictures done, can you contact the photographer to see if they still have copies? It might just be as quick as a letter, email and some phone calls.

    I'm not sure you are religious, but my mother was diagnosed with terminal cancer and given 5-6months to live 2 days before I found out I was pregnant with DS2. The only thing that got me through that time was prayer. I would picture putting all my worries into God's enormous hands. It helped to feel like the burden was in someone else's hands (besides, you really can't accomplish anything positive by worrying- but you could harm your baby). If you aren't terribly religious, well, think of it this way- prayer is free, you can do it anywhere and what do you risk?

    And, as painful as this may be, throw all of the chocolate out of your house and FORBID your DH to buy anymore until after you are pregnant. Tell him to take your car keys away if he sees you heading for a late-night candybar run.

    HTH. Hang in there. and come here to whine as much as you need.
    Lisa
    Mom to Gator July 2003
    And Cha-Cha July 2005
    and surprise! twins due 11/07!

  8. #8
    SASM is offline Diamond level (5000+ posts)
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    Default RE: Please help...I am soooooo in need of coping techniques right now

    Karen,

    THANK YOU SO MUCH! Especially for the hugs. :)

    I actually felt a lot better after posting. I was able to get to sleep fairly quick, albiet it was 4.15am and I was most likely going to wake up grumpy in 2.5 hours. :) I emailed a BUNCH of family and friends who I would normally email a few photos occasionally. I received a call from my best friend, who thankfully is an email packrat and she was able to forward a bunch of photos, probably 50 or so. That was a nice way to wake up. Thankfully, some were from our winter trip to WDW. Thank you also for teh idea of jotting down the memory. You are right...it will help exercise my brain and, hopefully, make the memory more vivid down the road.

    WOW!! I completely feel for you in regards to your flash card and DH's computer loss. Even though it cost a lot to recover, it is a blessing that they were able to recover the information. Wow!!

    THANK YOU!! I am also trying not to fixate too much on the potential GD/preeclampsia problem. I read the info online (I know...bad!!!) and it was scary, but I am trying to remind myself to force down those veggies, that are back to being repulsive, and eat more well-rounded despite my need for sweets. I have had two healthy uneventful pregnancies and the weight gain hasn't strayed much from those. I am not going to lie, it is higher than i would like but not horrible. I just wish that the NP's reaction wasn't so alarming. :(

    ETA: It was so sweet of you to remember the marathon photos! :) I actually bought a few from the marathon photo capturing company and I have those plastered on my living room wall. :) Not the greatest looking photos but THAT is something that I will never forget. Strangely enough, I have never been so exhausted in my life BUT I will remember that day forever.
    Mom to:
    1 BLUE (03) and 2 PINK (05 & 07)
    ^i^ 10.01 & 12.03

    Pardon my typos...blasted Auto-correct!!

  9. #9
    SASM is offline Diamond level (5000+ posts)
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    Default RE: Please help...I am soooooo in need of coping techniques right now

    OMG...CONGRATULATIONS, Candy, on your 2.0!! :) I am so happy for you!

    THANK YOU SO MUCH for the hugs! :)
    Mom to:
    1 BLUE (03) and 2 PINK (05 & 07)
    ^i^ 10.01 & 12.03

    Pardon my typos...blasted Auto-correct!!

  10. #10
    SASM is offline Diamond level (5000+ posts)
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    Default RE: Please help...I am soooooo in need of coping techniques right now

    Hi Jess,

    I am going to email you. I have soooo been wanting to but just got our computer last night.

    THANK YOU!!!!
    Mom to:
    1 BLUE (03) and 2 PINK (05 & 07)
    ^i^ 10.01 & 12.03

    Pardon my typos...blasted Auto-correct!!

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