If you kept your name when you married..

[StantonHyde]

Did you get pressured later to change it? I was 35 when I got married and I have now worked at the same large organization for 10 years--so everybody knows me by my name. DC are at the hospital-sponsored daycare so I use my name there because that is how everybody knows me. I have 2 issues: DC at school and my husband!

I am considering using the married name for school-related papers/communication next year when DS starts kindergarten. The area I live in is not necessarily used to people having different names and they often assume that parents are divorced if different names are used (even if they have the same address!) Have you done that? Do you trip up alot (eg sign wrong name) or did youjust get used to it?

DH did not have a problem when I kept my name 7 years ago. Now he is subtly pressuring me to change it. Making comments about how other people do the paperwork to change and can't I follow tradition. He even said something about how his ex wife did not change her name and that was just one more indication that she was not committed to the marriage. (Right, pal, 7 years and 2 kids later and I can barely handle working part time--something tells me I'm not gonna be heading out the door. Not to mention that our marriage is good and the DC love DH--why would leave a man like that???)

The bottom line is I like my name. I love the way it sounds and looks on paper. It is my identity. It ties the many parts of my life together and connects me to the past. My mom and I had the same middle and last names and the same first initial. Since my mom died last year, my name is an even more important, powerful tie to her.

Do I just print this email and give it to him :-) How can I communicate that I do not want to change and that has nothing to do with commitment? What pressures have you faced and how did you manage it?

(I won't even go into all the relatives, parents, in-laws who still can't figure out how to address envelopes, checks, etc....)

[jbowman]

I don't know if this helps or not, but I compromised. I got married when I was 29 and working on my doctorate, and I knew that I wanted "Dr." attached to my maiden name, as my parents were/are very supportive of me. I also love my maiden name, and did not want to hyphenate (our names sound silly when hyphenated). I use my maiden name professionally and my married (legal) name at all other times. This works really well for me, as there is a pretty clear division b/t my home and work life.

Edited for spelling/typos!

[Corie]

Just wanted to say HI !! :)

[jlc]

I kept my name when I got married because I had been with my company for 8 years, when I had my son I had been with my company for 12 years. However, once my son was born my DH felt he would like for us all to have the same family name; I didn't disagree. During the six months that I was home on maternity I kept procrastinating getting the name change paperwork in motion and went back to work with my maiden name.

Unfortunately less than six weeks later my DH suddenly and unexpectedly passed away -- I can't tell you how often I wish I had a "re-do" and had taken his last name.

Just something to think about, I'm sure my story is a very rare incident.

jlc

[sidmand]

I kept my name. I got married when I was 25 though, so we've been married almost 12 years. It's been a problem a bit, but I'm thinking it will become more of a problem as DS gets older. My aunt kept her name and that was what she had warned too, that once their are kids in the picture it does become a bit trickier. I figured in today's day and age there were a lot of people with different names for various reasons (step-families, remarriages, grandkids, etc.).

I like that when telemarketers call, I usually know right away and can honestly say, "there is no Mrs. ______ here."

Although my grandmother NEVER got my name right (hello, it's the same as yours!). I do tend to answer DH's last name if I know the person isn't doing it for a *bad* reason. We have had people think DH's last name is my last name and many people think that DS's last name is mine (which it's not) and that can get confusing. DS is only two though, so I'm not sure what will happen once he starts school or if it will be a big issue.

I like my name. I didn't so much like DH's! And I joked that if we ever got divorced, I didn't have to change my name back again (it was a total joke though). If I end up choosing to change though, it will be because it's something I really want to do at that point. I don't think a lot of DH's friends understood at the time (and maybe not even now), but it IS my name and it doesn't have anything to do with commitment. If YOU want to change it, by all means do. But it is totally up to you. Don't let anyone pressure you into something you don't want. Why is it all of a sudden something he's bringing up? Are other people saying something to him? If it didn't bother him at first, it seems maybe something else is happening? I mean, even then, he knew his ex-wife didn't change her name and didn't have a problem when you got married?

Debbie

[mommytotwo]

My response is pretty much along the lines as some of the previous responders. I kept my name 12 years ago, and while sometimes it can be a pain when dealing with insurance companies, etc., it hasn't been too bad. My DS started school last year and they did have spots on the information page for different last names for parents, but sometimes on forms to volunteer for activities, etc., I found myself needing to write my name followed by (DS'name mother) as not all of the parents of his classmates would know my last name. Most people that we interact with frequently enough at DS's school, etc., have just come to know that my DH and my last names are different --- and that we are married.

For now, I still plan to keep my maiden name, and I really don't think I'll ever decide to change it. DH has always been very supportive of this, but, there have been plenty of relatives who didn't understand why I would ever make this decision.

HTH

[jbowman]

Hi Corie!

It's great to *see* you! I couldn't resist chimin' in! ;)

[SASM]

Hi,

I cannot relate as I hyphenated for the exact reasons that you stated regarding the future offspring (my name DOES NOT flow and has 26 letters!). I just wanted to say that you should not have to back down b/c your name is WHO YOU ARE. The history of your name and connection to your mother (I am so sorry) is sooooo important to you ~ DH should hopefully understand.

But...as a suggestion, if it starts to bother you in the future with the hassles of school, etc, could you just tack on DH's name legally so you have the option to use it on papers or you could leave it off. Does that even make sense? My friend kept her maiden name for professional reasons (doctorate) but I BELIEVE that she goes by her DH's surname legally. I'll email her and ask. :) Good luck!

[Happy 2B mommy]

I have no BTDT advice for you, as my DD is only 9 months and school seems like a loooong way off. But, yes, my DH and I have had this conversation periodically over the past 5+ years and I recently have done some serious thinking on the subject. Like you, very few women in my area keep their last name. Some things would be simpler if I had DH's last name, but I found that a simple "I chose to keep my name for professional reasons" is sufficient to clear up most confusion. (or, in my case, was - now I'm a SAHM) I know that most of DD's future teachers will probably call me "Mrs. DH Lastname" at first, but, honestly, if they are capable of learning so many students' names, learning yours won't be that hard on them.

In my experience, people who just *can't* get it right are purposely choosing not to get it right because they disagree with a woman not taking her husband's name.

I have no idea why this matters so much to your DH *now*. Perhaps your DH may have always felt this way and never voiced it??? (forgive me if I am wrong). I just remember before our wedding Dh and I had MANY discussions on the subject. I finally asked him if he really wanted us to have the same last name, would he consider changing his name? I asked how would he feel giving up his name, would my name feel/sound odd, would he lose some of his identity? Point was made and my DH understands and respects my decision, although he admits to being a tradionalist and would like us to have the same last name, especially with DD in our life.

[cvanbrunt]

>The bottom line is I like my name. I love the way it sounds
>and looks on paper. It is my identity. It ties the many parts
>of my life together and connects me to the past. My mom and I
>had the same middle and last names and the same first initial.
>Since my mom died last year, my name is an even more
>important, powerful tie to her.

This is a great reason to keep your name. If DH didn't speak up 7 years ago, that's his problem. I took my DH's name, much to his surprise, and I've had a tiny twinge of regret since my mom died a year ago.