Ughhh - LONG journal court not waived in country 9 weeks

[NEVE and TRISTAN]

It was their chosing to stay in the country, but this journal is an example of going thru the ringer...

I must say I found the mother to be wearing very grey glasses...everything seems so doomy and gloomy in her eyes -EVERYTHING...I'm not one to usually judge folks UNLESS I find them judging but she seemed to have an attitude thru out the process and then hinted when her 2 year old thru a tantrum that she said "do you want to go home with mommy or go back to your group" YIKES....I just couldn't imagine being allowed to adopt a child over there with such an attitude and to actually say that to the child....just awful.

A journal that reminds me life is what you make it and how you chose to see it that is for certain...
Anyway sorry I am on my soap box but this journaling disturbed me greatly...

http://www.sommersfamily.org/adoption.html


Neve
http://home.nc.rr.com/ourbabytristan
AKA "mama2be"-forgot password
and Baby Boy Tristan born @UNC
Feb 25, 2003
Brother to 3 pups "gees" and 2 kitties

[Bethann31]

I just read the whole thing myself. You are absolutely right. I'm not sure what she expected, but it certainly seems as though she could not find a single thing about the Ukraine to like.

A child is a miracle, whether you give birth to them or not. It does not seem to me as if this woman does not look at it like this at all. I got the overwhelming feeling that she looked at having this child as one more cross she must bear in her life. How sad.

Every other journal I have read has talked about how there were such beautiful sites to see, how much the children were cared for by their caretakers, etc. I didn't read a bit of this in this journal.

I have to admit, I finished it a bit worried for this child.

Thanks for posting a different perspective, Neve.

Beth

Josh 3/90
Mollie 4/92
Jeffrey 12/94
and Katherine 6/03

[NEVE and TRISTAN]

What about the line " we met some americans today, granted they were Yankees, but still it was nice to hear our language"...granted that is not a direct quote but unless I read it wrong that is what I heard out of it...

I would think if I walked into a Soviet Era hotel instead of saying "yuck soviet era hotel" I'd think "wow, we are staying in a soviet era hotel, how many folks get to experience this"...

It's just interesting to me how folks seem to want to lead their lives, I mean this gal is making her web that is for certain...
Neve
http://home.nc.rr.com/ourbabytristan
AKA "mama2be"-forgot password
and Baby Boy Tristan born @UNC
Feb 25, 2003
Brother to 3 pups "gees" and 2 kitties

[hjdong]

I have to say -I go back and read my own journal and think, "Wow, I didn't put in much of the positive." And it wasn't that I wasn't enjoying 95% of our trip, but I didn't really take the time out to journal when everything was great. It was my release to write in the blog how I spent the night with food poisoning and Jamie screaming. I do think, if I recall, that we also wrote his first smile, how perfect he was, when he called us momma and baba, etc. but I don't think I emphasized it as much as I should have. Actually, I wished after I read my blog at home that I had some way to get a more comprehensive view of what I was writing as a whole while I was there. While there, as amazing as the journey is, it is overwelming - emotionally and sometimes physically, both in the positive and negative sense. Particularly, I think, if this is your first child, because you have all the new parent fears additionally (although since I haven't done a second I could be wrong).

That said, I haven't read their journal (I started, but it really is very long and Jamie, poor baby, has a cold today) but anyone who threatens to send their child back to an orphanage should not be allowed to go any further IMO.

[malie]

I haven't read the journal but you have to remember Neve that some people unfortunately adopt for the wrong reasons and/or have the wrong expecations. Not everyone is like those of us who research things to death :) nor is everyone who adopts going to be as open minded a parent as we would like (just like not everyone who gives birth is going to be as open minded as we would like).

I myself cringe a little everytime I hear someone say they want to adopt to "save" a child (well not every time because it depends on the context), adopting isn't about "saving" a child, it's about parenting a child. Now I'm not suggesting that adopting a child doesn't often get them away from a situation that would be unhealthy for them but adoption is about building a family relationship but being some kind of hero. (I'm not saying that this couple feels as they are adopting to save a child just that's a statement that bugs me)

That being said my mother always said that never put anything into a letter that you don't want the whole world to know and frankly that really has to be the case with an online journal. In some ways already having children can actually make things a bit harder when you adopt if you don't educate yourself. For example a parent may have a specific set of actions they take when a child does a or b which may or may not be appropriate to take with a child who spend some time in a group care setting or even in a foster home when the child is first part of the family. For example the idea of time out is actually not considered to be the best option with a child who has been a situation where they spend a lot of time without adult interaction. Depriving a child of "love" or attention because of the way they act can have a different meaning to a child who has not had love or attention their whole life besides the fact that a really young child has more difficulty (bio or adopted) understanding the difference between I am bad and my actions are bad. (I'm not even saying that these parents have educated themself because it certainly sounds like at points she is well aware that adjustment is going to take time (of course she has 2 to 3 months while most attachment experts suggest that you expect the first year to be a time when a child relearns/learns how to attach and bond with you)

I read the section you mentioned and I don't think the parent meant it as a threat (in otherwords if you don't behavior I will send you back to the group) but more of look if you don't want to be here then you don't have to be. That being said we are talking about a two year old here. Even if the person didn't mean it to sound like it does, it's still not an appropriate statement for a 2 year old who is in a new situation. Then again a woman alone in another country without her regular meds (what ever those might be) who is writing an email to her husband and then has parts of the email cut and paste into a journal probably is going to say/do something that she might not have under less stress. Anyway I'm not trying to make excuses for her, just thinking that hopefully in the end she really is a kind parent and good person who just doesn't come across very well in her writing


Here's the thing in the end. As you said life is what you make of it. A different couple in the same situation might have a very different outlook on their journey. I mean look at you for example, do you honestly think you would have reacted or written the same things or in the same way. I don't. It's just not your style. This family might be the happiest family in the world and they might have a great life and no issues from this point on. Then again they might. Are they prepared as well as they should be for some things I don't know? But then again I like to think that 99% of the people who adopt whatever their reason turn out to be okay parents if not great parents, the other 1% should never have been parents at all (and probably should never been approved for a homestudy..maybe 1% is too high but there are certainly people who have huge red flags that are missed through social worker error..it's scary sometimes)

Now when we read your journal we won't expect to always be sunshine and happiness but we know for sure that you will never say do you want to go back to your group?

[jubilee]

Malie, I just wanted to say I really enjoyed reading your post and it's given me some things to think about.

As for the sad outlook from the journal, I think of it this way-
there is a GREAT WAR inside of each of us. There is a dark, sad, Eeyore side of us... and there is a bright, positive, Tigger side of us. Which side will win? Answer- the side you feed. If you go around thinking negative thoughts, living in a negative atmosphere- you are feeding the Eeyore side. If you try to see the upside to situations, surround yourself with positive people, count your blessings- you feed the Tigger side.

This lady in the journal is stressed in a country that probably feeds the sad side of her personality. Hopefully she can look back and enjoy and cherish this time... and more hopefully she will see this child as a blessing.

I have to fight myself to not feed Eeyore, and find Tigger instead- but it is worth every effort!

[NEVE and TRISTAN]

I love your Eeyore and Tigger example...may I steal that one from you???? It describes how I feel on many things :)

Malie, I do agree that folks shouldn't put in writing what they don't want read...I was SHOCKED at so much of this womens journal...I've read hundreds of journals at this point and this one stood out to me more than any, infact not one I have read seemed so doomy and gloomy on every front. I am shocked on so many different angles by it, let alone meeting up with yankess...and posting that on public boards...

I am certain they will be lovely parents though...
her journal in my eyes was EXACTLY as I described it
"wearing grey goggles"
"doomy and gloomy"
No matter the spin that is what I took away from it...

Neve and Tristan born Feb 25, 2003
***********************************
EDD with #2 March 18, 2005
heartbeat and "looking great" so far
************************************
Traveling in Jan insearch of the rest of our family-adopting in Ukraine
***********

[jubilee]

Steal away!
http://www.fortunecity.com/millenium...62/tigger4.jpg

[Melanie]

I haven't finished it yet, but she sounded terribly depressed and homesick. 9 weeks, that is a long time. I don't think I could be away from my children that long...what a hard decision (to leave one child or the rest).

ETA - Neve...do you know if they went independent or agency?

One more edit...it seems like the father is doing most of the gloomy updates at first. How sad that the mother calls it 'baby prison.'

[jubilee]

Her use of the term "baby prison" is what struck me hard too. And the yankee comment...