Please help very frustrated Mom!

[kalebsmama]

I am at my wits end with DS. He is 2 1/2 and will not listen at all. I know this is a stage that many go through, but he resists everything and is driving me crazy.

Background - he has always been headstrong but has been much worse lately. We just adopted our DD 6 weeks ago and he had no advance preparation. I know that some of this is to be expected with a new sibling, but how much? She is now almost 11 months old and into everything, so he has to deal with her getting into his toys etc.

Any ideas on what to do? I have 1-2-3 Magic but DS loves to count and every time I say "1" he says "2-3!" How can I implement this, or is there a better method?

He wants to play the computer or watch Blue's Clues all day. So, I spend the whole day saying no and then dealing with his screaming tantrums. Then, when it is time to come to the table, go upstairs for a nap, change a diaper, get in the car (or anything) he just says NO! Short of dragging him everywhere which is hard with 20lb. DD in tow, I can't get him to do anything.

I'm crying now as I write this because I am so frustrated. I find myself yelling at him constantly and I don't know why because it doesn't change anything. I am embarrassed to admit this, but I have even been spanking him on occasion because it's the one thing that grabs his attention. He absolutely wouldn't go up the stairs for his nap today - just stood at the bottom of the stairs - so I smacked his rear. Then he is crying and goes up. Upsairs, he looks at me with these big tears and says "sorry Mommy" and then I'm crying too. He was even more upset then because I was "sad too". Of course, that won't matter the next time he wants something he can't have!

Anyways, sorry to ramble on so long. DH just left for 6 days and I'm feeling anxious that I'm already at the end of my ropes! Please tell me that I haven't spoiled him rotten and that things will get better! Also, any input on how much slack to give him while he adjusts to being a big brother? I don't want to be too hard on him, but if it's time for him to get over it, I don't want to be too easy!

If you've made it this far, thanks for listening. I feel better just getting it off my chest. I'm going to start by working on not yelling so much. Poor DD and DS must think I'm a hag!!

[Hallie_D]

{{{{Jan}}}}

Although I have not yet gone through this I'm sure I will be going through a version of it in a few months--DS will be 2.5 when the baby is born. He will have the benefit of many months of preparation, but I'm sure he will still have behavior issues.

You are going through so many changes in your family right now it is only natural that your DS is acting out and that you are feeling frustrated. Is there anyone who can come take the baby for a few hours so you can have some special time with DS? That might help--he might just want to be the center of attention for a while, and he is learning that by acting out he becomes the center of attention. In that sense, ignoring what you can might help the situation.

One thing that really works for us when DS is in "no" mode is to offer him a choice--for instance, if we say, "Time for lunch," and he says "no!" we will ask if he would rather have a sandwich or pasta (or whatever) for lunch--or if he would rather sit in his booster at the big table or at his little table. Most of the time (NOT all of the time) this will 'snap him out of it' and he forgets that he was saying no to lunch and instead will enjoy making the choice. You mentioned diaper changes as a problem time--we sometimes ask DS if he would like to hold a book or a toy while his diaper is changed and it makes him much less wiggly.

If he likes playing hide and seek, you can make getting ready for naptime into a game--'go hide in your room and I'll come find you, then it is time for a story and nap.'

The other thing we've implemented with some success is the "screaming room." DS will occasionally decide he wants to scream (not usually a tantrum, just screaming for no real reason). We had no success asking him to stop or calming him down, so one day I said, "You can scream as much as you want, but you have to go into the other room, because it hurts my ears." He walked into the room, shut the door, screamed for about 30 seconds, and then opened the door to peek out at me. I smiled and told him he could come back out whenever he was done screaming. He decided after a few more minutes that he was done--and he was! Amazingly, this has worked for us a number of times.

I don't know if any of these suggestions will work for you, but I do think that as frustrating as it is, his behavior is normal. You didn't spoil him, and things WILL get better. What you are doing right now is amazing--you are parenting an active 2.5 year old boy and an inquisitive 11 month old girl you didn't even know 2 months ago. Don't be so hard on yourself--you need to cut YOURSELF some slack too!

[AngelaS]

I'll probably be writing your post in a few weeks when my baby gets here, but for now....here's what I recommend. :D

To begin with, I DO have a strong willed 27 mo old. So, I know what you're going thru! :D

Several things we do that help are to warn her before we switch activities. She doesn't understand how long 2 minutes is, but she's catching on that when I give her a two minute warning before we switch activities, that we're moving on to something different.

Also, around here, pitching a fit will automatically get you put in time out. Time outs take place on the rug by the front door and some days, Gabrielle spend a LOT of time there. She has to sit there until she's done yelling and if she gets off the rug while still yelling, she gets put RIGHT back there!

It will get better!! I have a 6.5 year old that's mostly fun now.... LOL

[hjdong]

I agree with the warning about the time. And the great thing is, since they don't know how long five minutes is, it can be as long or as short as you choose!

Another thing I found helps with DS is to make it into a race. "Can you get to the car before me?" He always wins, of course.

Just today, he decided he didn't want lunch. Until I said, "O.k., in ten minutes, it's naptime. You don't have to have lunch if you don't want." Immediately, he wanted lunch. So I guess, warnings, warnings, warnings, really work for us.

HTH,

[Thatchermom]

DS is far and away one of the most strong-willed people I have ever known (from two REALLY laid-back parents). We have tried lots of things, many of the things others have mentioned. Can't hurt to try anything for a few days to see what works for you!

One thing that does help is a timer. I thought it was a crazy idea when someone mentioned it, but for DS the struggle is often a power or control issue, and it very effectively takes the control away from both of us and places it on the timer. We went and chose a fun timer together, it looks like a frog. (Target) Froggy is a magnet and sticks to the front door so we can even take him with us outside. When I give the warning, we set Froggy and he is the one who says when it is time to go in, go to nap, watch a video, whatever. It's not foolproof, and sometimes he does cry when the timer goes off. But I have been surprised how many times I thought something would be difficult and it went smoothly because of Froggy.

Hope you find something that works for you!

[Karenn]

We're going to be in the same place soon too!

The one thing that works really well for my independent DS is the choice thing that Hallie mentioned. One place I found it to be very effective is when I'm wanting Colin to go somewhere or do something. If we need to go upstairs I'll say "Colin, do you want to walk up stairs or do you want me to carry you upstairs?" He will ALWAYS start heading up the stairs as soon as I give him that choice. I always deliver it as a matter of fact choice rather than a threat.

However, the first few times I offered the choice, he sort of just hung out at the bottom of the stairs. So I said, "Colin you need to decide or mommy will decide. Walk or carry?" When he didn't decide, I carried him and he was NOT happy about that. I had to carry him maybe twice more, but since then, he's always gone on his own. This has worked well in a number of other areas too- "Do you want to walk to your room for your diaper change or should I come and get you?" "Are you going to climb into your carseat or is mommy going to put you in?" I probably offer choices along these lines a dozen times a day and it almost never leads to a tantrum. I really don't know how we'd make it through the day otherwise!

Good luck!

[christic]

Sorry you're having such a tough time! 2 1/2 is just plain hard, new sibling or not. We're in the midst of it here too and there have been some days lately when Alice just seems to move from one fit to another. And it's not even just that I don't want to give her what she wants, she doesn't even seem sure what she wants and gets more frustrated with her own indecision.

I'm about to go look at 123 Magic myself again, but I do remember there being advice in there about kids who want to "count back." It doesn't sound like you have any time to read! but you might also want to look at a book called Your 2 Year Old...in a series from 1 on up. (It's many years old so would probably be at your library.) It talks specifically about the difference between 2 and 2 1/2 and what's going on developmentally that makes 2 1/2 yr olds so tough to deal with, even if they've been easy pie for the past 6 mos.

I didn't look at the date of your post before I started typing this, so I'm hoping it's been six days and your husband's back and you're getting some relief!