OT: Personal: Determining your Family Size?

[mamahill]

Not at all - I'm #1 and DH is #4. I have always wanted to have kids, just not quite so many. I love my family and when we all go on vacation, we have such a good thing. It's like going out with my best friends. But I know we won't have the financial means that my parents do, and I'm not sure I have the patience. Oh, and #6 in both of our families was a "whoops" baby. But we can't imagine our families without them. I was 16 when my brother was born, so I was like a second mom to him - that solidified that I'd have kids someday. He was just so much fun.

[AngelaS]

When we got married, DH wanted none maybe 1. I wanted 4 or 5. We waited 5 years to have Adrienne and she was such a good baby that we knew we'd never get another like her so we considered stopping while we were ahead.

But we didn't really want an only so three years later we started trying. After 9 long months we finally got pregnant with Gabrielle. I did NOT want to go thru 9 months of trying again and with all the pressure his family gave us to 'go for a boy', I didn't want to. DH felt more than fine with 2 also.

So...we decided not to do anything permanent and instead chart and use protection and well, we weren't as careful as we could've been and so we're going to a family with 3 kids. We told everyone 2 and God is telling us that 3's the number. :D Who are we to mess with Him? :D

[Melanie]

"she was such a good baby that we knew we'd never get another like her so we considered stopping while we were ahead. "

LOL...that's the place we're at.

[Roleysmom]

I am obsessing about this issue lately and am a little stuck. I can't reconcile my gut with my teenage expectations of how large my family would be. Long before I met my DH, I always said I wanted four kids. I knew kids from large families (6 plus) growing up and it always seemed like a lot of fun to have that many siblings. When we got married, we hemmed and hawed for several years about whether we wanted even one child. Now that we are parents, we can't believe that we ever gave this a second thought. Having her is truely the best thing we have ever done. There's a part of me that wants to have more, but there's another part of me -- I think it is my gut -- that says this is working well because we have the patience, time and money. Three things we might not have enough of if we have more children. And, as the previous posters said, why mess with success!

My DH is willing, cautiously, to have another child but he definitely does not want more than two. And that to me is the sticking point. For whatever reason -- and I don't even think it's logical, but I cannot shake it -- I don't want only two children. I feel really strongly about that. I feel like its DD as an only or three (a compromise from 4). And I know that three is not feasible. I'm fast approaching 38 and we definitely don't have the resources for three children.

I can't even explain to myself why I definitely don't want only two children, so it's hard to take my reasoning seriously. What a strange reason to only have one child -- I didn't want two and it wasn't really possible to have more. I also worry about DD being on only child. DH has done a lit review and the research he's seen doesn't support the idea that only children are more unhappy, less social, more selfish (insert stereotype here) than children with siblings. In fact they seem to fare quite well. The one thing that holds me back is that adults who were only children seem reluctant to have only one child themselves. That is compelling to me, and I'd like to know more, but all of my close friends have siblings, so I haven't explored the sentiment more fully.

If I listened to my gut instinct, I would say we should stop at one, but I'm not sure I can trust that feeling. Like I said, I'm stuck!


Paula -- mom to Roley Julia, January '02

[christic]

Wow, I can't believe there's another person out there who follows my 1 or 3 but not 2 logic!!!

I can't quite explain it either, but we're probably going to stay with one because I don't think we'd make it to 3 and I don't want just 2. Part of it is my strange superstition of the number 4--I think I heard it's unlucky in some culture--but that's not a reasonable reason for making a decision this important!

Like your DH I've also read everything I can get my hands on about being an only child and agree with his conclusions that the stereotypes just aren't true. But I still wonder about it. Our family just feels complete to me right now, so I think we'll stay put...I think :).

[Melanie]

"The one thing that holds me back is that adults who were only children seem reluctant to have only one child themselves. That is compelling to me, and I'd like to know more, but all of my close friends have siblings, so I haven't explored the sentiment more fully."

I was very lonely as a child. I did not have cousins close by, friends were not super close. I was very shy and was envious of those who had built-in friends at social outings or classes. As an adult, I'm still envious of those with siblings who are always there to support one another when I have no one (in that sibling capacity).

Of course the flipside is that I do not have any nutjob siblings to plague me. It's really a gamble, isn't it? Good Luck!

[Momof3Labs]

My mom ended up an only when her brother died of cancer, and it was very hard as her parents got older - she had no one to help her take care of them and make decisions for them. Many people have extended families to help them through this, but my mom's extended family (cousins, aunts and uncles) was, unfortunately, pretty useless and unsupportive. Not a reason to have more kids than you want, of course, just one person's experiences.

[Momof3Labs]

I've always wanted just two kids. It is a nice number (and I'm a numbers person LOL) - there are two parents, we each have two hands, "table for four, please", most all cars easily fit four people, most hotel rooms are set up for four people, etc... DH was the third of three, and as someone mentioned, his parents didn't seem to have enough energy for him.

My fear right now is that we need to do fertility tx (had to do it for Colin, too) for #2, and I really, really don't want to end up with #2 and #3 in one fell swoop! Not so much that we won't go after #2, but it does weigh on my mind.

[jlcana]

Hi Chris and Melanie!

I didn't realize that being an "only" was such a hot topic. No, a lot of stereotypes about only children aren't true for me personally. I was also lonely at family events as my mom is also an only and my dad's sister has 2 children that I never really knew growing up.

What's scary to me is that I am the "end of the line" in my family once my parents are gone. That's probably why I want 3 kids now-I want to create the family that I never had growing up. Yes, holidays are easy as I only worry about seeing my parents and in-laws and no nutjob siblings to deal with either. But I want more family for my children, it is a gamble whether they will be close once they grow up. Something always seemed to be missing in my family with me as the only child.

It's going to be a real challenge to me to have another child in a couple of weeks as I have no real life experience with siblings. I'll just have to figure it out as I go along.

Lisa
Christopher 3/18/02
Another boy EDD 9/20/04

[Melanie]

"That's probably why I want 3 kids now-I want to create the family that I never had growing up."

I think this is why I originally had wanted a large family. I think I may have even said I wanted 4 or 5 children, at one point. Of course, then I started studying the environment, so my tune changed to creating 2 and adopting 2 or 3, then I actually became a parent, and well, I'm hoping I'll do well with another. LOL.

"It's going to be a real challenge to me to have another child in a couple of weeks as I have no real life experience with siblings. I'll just have to figure it out as I go along."

Lisa, I know exactly what you mean! This is a huge fear for me, and I don't think those who are not 'onlys' can fully understand this. LOL. My friend, who is one of four, just thinks I am silly to worry about it.