Picking your battles vs. Being consistent

[Mom2Miri]

I've started reading some toddler discipline books but most of them just don't seem to apply to DD. I'm hoping for some practical advice. DD has always been easy going except for her teething spurts. The worst has been the molars, and those take forever. She's going through it now and I'm having difficulty figuring out how to balance:

1) Toss out the rules when she is teething
2) Always be consistent
3) Pick your battles

For example, she's cranky and not eating well due to the molars. I tried to give her a soy butter/jelly sandwich and she insisted that she wanted just the soy butter/jelly without bread. I tried telling her it came as a package deal which produced tears. I want to be consistent and don't want her to learn that crying/whining/etc will yield desired results. However it wasn't that big a deal to just give her what she wanted, plus I really wanted her to get some calories. Should I just relax until the molars come in? But that could be another month or more. So, WWYD?

TIA!
Helen & Mirielle 2/25/03

http://www.gynosaur.com/assets/ribbons/ribbon_sapphire_24m.gif[/img][/url] 27 months and counting

[lizamann]

I'm definitely in the relaxed category and would let her eat the "sandwich" without the bread. Worst case scenario - she never ever eats the bread on another sandwich. Even if this happens, which it won't, it's not such a bad thing (too many carbs are bad anyway!)

I understand that the crying/whining thing may be the real concern as opposed to the bread issue, so here is how I look at it. If you offer the whole sandwich, she gets upset, and you give her what she wants, you are not giving into her "manipulative" tantrums - instead you are re-evaluating how important it is to her to have the sandwich the way she wants it, and you can change your mind accordingly if you so choose. Here's where you pick your battles and consider extenuating circumstances. I personally would cave on the bread, but not on something like jumping on the couch (a HUGE no-no around here). We do that all the time in real-life negotiations with other people in our lives, so why not with the kiddoes?

[Mom2Miri]

Beth,

Thanks for your thoughts! That's how I thought of it too and why she ended up with soy butter/jelly for dinner last night. :) The only things I've been adamant about so far have been safety related and those are non-negotiable. I've tried to teach her that whining isn't acceptable and she's learning how to rephrase whines into requests stated with a reasonable tone of voice. But lately I feel like I've been giving into tears a lot, but perhaps that's because there have been a lot more tears than usual.

As I said to DH, can we just go in and pull those molars to the top now? :)

Helen & Mirielle 2/25/03

http://www.gynosaur.com/assets/ribbons/ribbon_sapphire_24m.gif[/img][/url] 27 months and counting

[August Mom]

In general, I am in the always be consistent camp. However, I also believe in choice for toddlers, to a limited extent, because I think that's part of growing up. So, I generally allow DS some choice in what to wear, what to eat and where to go (if we're doing something for him). So, I will show him 2 outfits and ask which he wants to wear, give him 2 or 3 choices about what to eat and say "do you want to go to the library or the park." So, in your scenario, I wouldn't mandate that she has to have the soy butter/jelly sandwich with the bread. To me, that's one of those negotiable areas that's not that important in the grand scheme of things. Now that you know the bread is an issue, I might say "I know your teeth are bothering you, so would you like your soy nut butter/jelly sandwich with or without bread today?"

Good luck.

[Mom2Miri]

Belated thanks for your thoughts! I've tried the 2 or 3 choices approach but lately the answer is often "neither". Do you then choose one of them and enforce that choice or ? Would love to hear what you do.

Thanks,
Helen & Mirielle 2/25/03

http://www.gynosaur.com/assets/ribbons/ribbon_sapphire_24m.gif[/img][/url] 27 months and counting

[amp]

I agree that choosing your battles and being consistent can sometimes be at odds. I just try to ask myself how important any given thing is. If it's something that we're bound to be dealing with in a few years and has some impact on health, safety, boundaries, etc, I try to be consistent. But if that one incident doesn't seem all that BIG, I try to let it go. Yes, food issues will still be there later, but toddlers are notorious for being picky and changing their minds about foods. I would just keep offering stuff, and if she wants some variation, I'd probably cave on occasion and if I thought I needed to be consistent that time, then I would. I honestly think food is not a place to make a battle, but at the same time, you don't want to be a short order cook. And there are so many foods out there, that short of denying cake for every meal, I hope that any one incident of catering to their whims is not a big deal, and likewise, when I decide to put my foot down, I doubt he will be comparing it with the last incident. KWIM? Anyway, I"m just not terribly consistent w/ each individual food, but I try to let him have some choices, but not all the choices. Have I just confused you more? I'd just go w/ my gut on whether each individual thing is worth a battle or not. If you are consistent about other stuff, she's still getting consistency.