For BF moms...how did DH help you?

[bostonsmama]

I'm so irrate! I've been reading a great book about talking about your expectations with your hubby before the baby is born so you know what each other want. I went first, telling him (of course) that I wanted to BF for a year, that I wanted to CD, and that I wanted him to help me in the middle of the night when the baby is crying. Then he had the nerve to say, "What do you want me to do? Wake up in the middle of the night and watch you breast feed?" WTH?!?

I told him he could change a diaper, hug and hold the baby, sing to him/her, etc...but then he came back with "Isn't it a waste of time for both of us to be up with the baby when only one of us can soothe her? I mean, you won't have to go to work the next day...I'll just come home to you and be grumpy."

Please help my ignorant husband by telling me what you DH's did for you when your babies were young and BFing. I might just think about pumping a bottle or two so he will have the opportunity to know what it's like to feed and care for a little one at all hours of the night.

[kaitlinsmommy]

What a good post! While my dh is a fabulous, loving father, he has been pretty absent during the nights. I will say that, in the beginning, he got up, changed the baby & brought her to me to bf. I highly recommend pumping bottles and giving your dh a chance to give them but you might want to briefly leave the house sometimes because it's hard to listen to your baby cry and then my husband would say, "Kim, she wants YOU."

I have loved bf and am still nursing 2x a day but I will say the one thing I know I'll do with #2 is make sure (s)he gets bm in bottles consistently. Exclusively getting the breast sure made dh's life easier but I was one tired mama.

I know there are dh's who are equal partners in feeding and everything baby-related, but I have found for myself and most of my friends (who don't work) that mommy is #1 for a reason.

Now that I think about it, though, the first few months, dh always made sure I had snacks and water when I was bf and he was supportive. I'm sure yours will be too. Good for you for planning this out in advance. I'm sure it will help that he knows your expectations.

[jubilee]

Well... I actually agree with your DH for the most part. I breastfed for 13 months, and didn't have my DH get up in the middle of the night so I could breastfeed. Once my son started crying, I knew I wouldn't get any sleep- so I'd change my son and take my son into the livingroom (where I always nursed) so my DH could sleep in peace. BUT, once I was done breastfeeding, if my son still couldn't sleep despite all my efforts then I'd get my DH to have him try to rock the baby to sleep. And then I'd try to sleep. Once my son was around 4 months old, he slept better through the night, and I don't think my DH has been up at night since.

[ellies mom]

Hmmm, how to say this without sounding bitter. There is no real point in telling your "ignorant" husband anything other DH's do. Your DH either gets it or he doesn't. You won't change him, and you will end up feeling hateful if you try. The worse part of being a SAHM is when your own DH doesn't understand or appreciates how hard it can be.

I wish I could give you some simple something to tell your husband that will "make" him see the light but I can't, or else I'd have said it to my DH. Find a mantra, something like "At least he takes out the trash" and repeat over and over.

OK with that out of my system, to answer your actual question, once I halfway recovered from my c-section my husband didn't do much at all. I let him get away with that partially because he does wake up at 4:30am and works 12 hour shifts, and because until recently we co-slept. Just today he went in and comforted DD for the 3rd time in well, almost 10 months.

Ellie 11-03-03

[quikeye]

For me, I thought dh would help @ night as well (planned and did excl. bf'ing)... But, after our initial 6 week hump where we were both up with a super fussy babe (no sleeping around him), we worked our routine where I bf'd at night alone and let dh sleep. It was more for my convenience since I *knew* I could get ds back to sleep, and it wasn't really a hassle at all (we co-sleep, and nursing @ night is really easy for babe and I).

I could see a difference if I had to get out of bed and go to ds, but since it was more of a matter of holding my breast for him to latch on (and I did and frequently fall asleep before ds)... for me it helps ds get back to sleep easier (if he's up crying he's harder to get back to sleep), and dh is really appreciative to get his sleep (and I do tell him how much/often ds had nursed, so he doesn't complain when I ask him to fetch me everything under the sun when ds is nursing during the day)...

We also didn't get a good handle on bottlefeeding til about 10 weeks also, so feeding with EBM was pretty much out of the question @ night, he wouldn't take it at all (didn't try, since he'd not take it during the day).

I will say that I will wake dh up when I need help (holding him, soothing him when I'm not working out, etc.) but if it's *just* bf'ing it's me. And he did a LOT for me in other departments as well-- which was our trade-off in our household we agreed on. But, I didn't think it was a big deal, and if it is to you I wouldn't rely on anyone else's advice b/c we're all different :)

Good luck! :)

[barbarhow]

I applaud you for trying to talk about this before the day arrives. I do wonder though if most dads or for that matter most full time moms have any idea what it is going to be like when that little wonderful bundle arrives. At this point I wonder if he has any idea that most Dads will do anything/try anything to stop that baby's cry in the middle of the night (or any time). I think that if my DH and I had talked about it first he might have had a response along those lines. After arrival he was extremely supportive-stayed up with Jack many a night while allowing me to sleep.
Pump, pump, pump. Let him learn how to bottle feed. My DH was a star at that. Actually offered many times to get up and bottle feed him (ebm) in the night. The reality is that if I had let him bottle feed him early on I would have had to get up and pump so it didn't make much sense. After 8 months or so when I had intro'd solids and he was drinking less milk DH got up many a night.
Hopefully you guys will work it out. Good luck.
Barbara-mom to Jack 3/27/03

[Chelsey333]

As much as I wouldn't want my dh to say "What do you want me to do", I kind of agree with him. I agree with you also though, for wanting him to help out. But I didn't expect my dh to wake up, bec I knew he had to work. Especially if this is your first baby, you will be able to nap during the day when the baby is sleeping. Maybe you could have a bottle for him to give baby early in the morning (like 5-6am) so that you could get an extra hour or 2 of sleep. Also, my dh would have said the same thing if I would have asked him to get up. That being said, he is wonderful at helping during the day time hours with giving baths, changing diapers, and playing with my kids, even doing laundry. So I really can't complain.

[mommd]

"You will be able to nap during the day when the baby is sleeping"

Sorry, I have to comment on this statement. While this may be true for the first month, don't count on it after that. My DD doesn't take naps AT ALL, and hasn't for a long time. Also, unless your DH is going to cook, clean, do laundry, etc, you are going to have to do those things while your baby is sleeping.

To answer your original question, DH got up and changed her diaper and brought her to me to BF. He still gets up during the night to try to soothe her so I can get some sleep. As for him getting up and going to work, DD wakes up at 6:30, so we both have to get up at the same time. Staying at home is work too, so why should your DH get special treatment?

I look at it this way, at least he gets to have time to himself, eat lunch without having to entertain someone else, go to the bathroom by himself, and not have to listen to crying for the entire day. I guess if you don't have a fussy baby this isn't a problem, but if you do, make him do his fair share!

[houseof3boys]

Perhaps you should see if your hospital offers a bf for couples class. DH and I took it and it was wonderful. How did DH help me?

* I didn't change a dipe for 2 weeks (he had to teach me).
* He brought the baby to bed or the glider almost every time I nursed.
* He made sure that I had snacks and a bottle of water in both places I nursed.
* He washed the boppy cover or brought me burpies since there was lots of spit up.
* He helped me with positioning when I wasn't confident enough to know if it was correct.
* I had to pump since we had latch issues so he helped me figure out the whole thing, took the milk and put it in the fridge, did all of the bottles, washed and boiled.
*Helped me with the nipple shield that I had to use since the whole thing was so confusing to me and so frustrating that I had to use one.
* He was there for all 4 of the LC consults I had before I left the hospital.

As you can see, he was extremely supportive of the whole thing and I don't know that I would have been as successful if he wasn't. We nursed for 13 months and he was my hero for the first 2!!!!!! He was my hero for the next 11, but then I had the confidence to do it so much more. :)

[KrisM]

My husband helped get the baby to me for the first week or so (I had a c-section). Since then, he mostly sleeps all night and I feed in the baby's room. DH does have to work the next day and I feel he should be rested for that.

However, he still does at least half of the cooking for dinner, so that I can relax a bit then. On the other nights, he'll take the baby and be completely in charge, while I do dinner. I know he'll do the changing and the playing for an hour or so, which is nice.

Occassionally, DH will stay up late on a Friday or Saturday and give a bottle for the first night feeding, which allows me to sleep a few more hours. Last week, he actually slept on the floor in the baby's room armed with 2 bottles so that he did both feedings and I didn't have to listen for the baby at all. A wonderful 7 hours of sleep!!

But, on a day-to-day basis, he has no idea if I got up or when. It works for us.

Kris