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  1. #1
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    Default Your Thoughts On This Article Re: Attachment Parenting

    I know Dr. Sears is a proponent of AP, but it seems that you can achieve these same characteristics in your children without Attachment Parenting.

    http://www.askdrsears.com/html/10/T130600.asp

    I have always tried to be sensitive to DD's needs, never let her CIO and give her much love, affection and attention. I also try to put myself in her place so I know how to respond to her in different situations. I can see some parents not being like that - her sitter is a good example. The sitter is a Mom and takes good care of the kids, but she is lacking on the compassionate side. I just try to treat DD the way I would want to be treated.

    DD is a very sensitive, high needs child that I waited a long time to have. Believe me, she gets plenty of love and attention despite the fact that I went back to work when she was 6 months old. I can see her developing many of the traits mentioned in the article. I hurt my back about a week and a half ago. I rarely mentioned it to DD, but this morning, she asked me "Does your back feel better Mommy?" Her stepsister didn't come over last weekend because she was sick. A week later when she saw her, she asked her if she felt better. Isn't that a compassionate child?

    So, you know what I think. What are your thoughts on this? I realize he's not really saying you have to AP to achieve these results, but he could give credit where credit is due, KWIM?

  2. #2
    Piglet is offline Emerald level (3000+ posts)
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    Okay, my thoughts...

    I will admit openly that I am not an AP parent. There I said it! I see nothing wrong with AP and I might strive towards it on any given day or situation as I see fit, but I am a big believer that a happy mom produces happy kids and my needs will often come first. I raise my kids with strict boundaries and I show them lots of love. My kids are among the best behaved, most respectuful, kind kids in their peer groups and I get complimented on that often. I think I can comfortably say that they have attained the exact same outcomes as the ones listed in that article, and we have done CIO, no family bed or extended babywearing, the occasional swat on the bum and other non-AP methods.


    Mommy to:

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  3. #3
    o_mom is online now Pink Diamond level (15,000+ posts)
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    I think that it is the opinion of a single very biased observer. I am not fully AP, but not anti-AP and use quite a few AP methods, but this article has zero credibility with me. In fact, DS1, who was given plenty of AP is pretty much the opposite of what he describes.
    Last edited by o_mom; 05-13-2008 at 04:18 PM.
    Mama to three boys ('03, '05, '07)

  4. #4
    lorinick is offline Sapphire level (2000+ posts)
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    Quote Originally Posted by Piglet
    Okay, my thoughts...

    I will admit openly that I am not an AP parent. There I said it! I see nothing wrong with AP and I might strive towards it on any given day or situation as I see fit, but I am a big believer that a happy mom produces happy kids and my needs will often come first. I raise my kids with strict boundaries and I show them lots of love. My kids are among the best behaved, most respectuful, kind kids in their peer groups and I get complimented on that often. I think I can comfortably say that they have attained the exact same outcomes as the ones listed in that article, and we have done CIO, no family bed or extended babywearing, the occasional swat on the bum and other non-AP methods.
    I could agree more!

  5. #5
    psophia17 is offline Diamond level (5000+ posts)
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    #4 excluded. DS1, who I definitely did more AP things with/for (although that wasn't my intention at the time) does a ton of dumb things. DS2, who I never did anything intentionally AP with, not nearly so many. I think it's a personality trait, in that DS1 is more like DH, DS2 is more like me.

    When and if I do AP-type things, it's because the situation calls for an AP-ish response. Happy mother, happy family.
    Petra
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  6. #6
    Raidra is offline Sapphire level (2000+ posts)
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    Quote Originally Posted by randomkid
    I know Dr. Sears is a proponent of AP, but it seems that you can achieve these same characteristics in your children without Attachment Parenting.
    There's a disclaimer at the top that says there isn't always a correlation between early parenting and the way a child turns out. There wasn't anything in the article that said, "You have to practice AP if you want your kids to turn out like this." I don't get what there is to be even mildly offended by.

    I have always tried to be sensitive to DD's needs, never let her CIO and give her much love, affection and attention. I also try to put myself in her place so I know how to respond to her in different situations. I just try to treat DD the way I would want to be treated.
    Whether you follow the 'rules' of AP (cosleeping, extended babywearing, etc), it sounds to me like you're an AP parent. From all the AP families I know, it's much more about treating your child with respect and responding to their needs rather than checking stuff off a list. Attachment parenting doesn't mean you have to be a SAHM, nor does it mean you can't take time for yourself to eat a meal or take a shower. It means being there for your kids--even if that means you have to take a break in order to be a good mom.

    ETA: The article itself doesn't even talk too much about the 'rules' either. Aside from two mentions of babywearing/breastfeeding, almost all of the "if you do this, then your child will be like this" were quite vague and were more about the parent's attitude rather than where the child sleeps or whatnot. Here are some examples:

    "From birth on, these children were on the receiving end of nurturing. Someone cared for them."

    "Because these children are on the receiving end of sensitive parenting, they become sensitive themselves."

    "High-need children whose parents respond freely to their needs grow up as if "trust" is their middle name. They grow up learning that it is safe to trust others, that the world is a warm and responsive place to be, that their needs will be appropriately identified and consistently met."

    So, the majority of the article is saying that if you nurture your children, are sensitive to their needs, and respond appropriately to those needs, then your child has a good chance of turning out like the article says. It's not saying you must cosleep, breastfeed, babywear, etc.
    Last edited by Raidra; 05-13-2008 at 04:42 PM.

  7. #7
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    maestramommy is offline Pink Diamond level (15,000+ posts)
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    Not an AP parent here, although I probably do some things that Dr. Sears would say are AP (whatevah). I really have a hard time with the idea that APing produces all those C's more than other parenting methods. I see plenty of kids who are compassionate, confident, caring, etc. who were most definitely NOT AP kids. And what is up with that whole attachment thing?? Babies/kids becoming attached to their parents/caregivers is a normal part of development. It's supposed to happen, so unless you are seriously abusing/neglecting your child, it's gonna happen.

    As parents we are biologically programmed to meet our children's needs. There is a LOT of leeway in terms of how that is supposed to happen, and what it looks like. IMHO it doesn't matter whether you use AP, Babywise, or whatever you come up with on your own. If you are meeting your children's needs, and making sure they are taken care of in your absence, they will develop normally. I also think a kid's personality really comes into play. If you have a high needs child you are going to respond differently than if you have a child who is more independent. Cautious kids will need a little less watching than kids who dive into things.

    I also really take issue with Dr. Sears bringing up psychopaths as in extreme example of lack or caring or empathy. A child who is not shown ANY caring or compassion may have trouble in this area, but I think that is only part of the picture. Children also need to be taught that actions have consequences, that certain actions hurt people, and hurting people is undesirable behavior. You can't have one without the other.

    I probably come off as totally anti-AP. I'm not, truly. I think if that is the way you choose to parent, then that's great. I just get irritated when some parents (and experts) tout AP as the best/only way to raise emotionally healthy children. The best way is whatever gets the job done, given your child, your situation, and YOU.

    Did that sound like a rant? Off my soapbox now.
    Melinda
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    Sparky 6/27/09

    "Sunset to Twilight, Our Family's Journey with Alzheimer's." http://maestramommi.blogspot.com/




  8. #8
    o_mom is online now Pink Diamond level (15,000+ posts)
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    Quote Originally Posted by Raidra
    There's a disclaimer at the top that says there isn't always a correlation between early parenting and the way a child turns out. There wasn't anything in the article that said, "You have to practice AP if you want your kids to turn out like this." I don't get what there is to be even mildly offended by.


    ....
    Oh, I dunno... maybe the insinuation that if you don't follow AP (which he defines as birth bonding, BF, babywearing, etc) you child will be a psychopath?

    "Studies on troubled teens and psychopaths have shown that these persons have one abnormal feature in common: a lack of caring. They feel no remorse for what they do. They act without considering the effects of their behavior on others. Not so the children who are the product of attachment parenting. These children consider the feelings of others before they act. They care about how their actions affect other people. They have a healthy sense of guilt, feeling wrong when they act wrongly and feeling good when they should. Connected kids care. "

    Or how about the bit that implies that AP kids have 'deeper' relationships?

    "The AP infant is more likely to become the child who forms deep friendships with peers and the adult who enjoys deep intimacy with a mate. "

    ...and so on.

    None of it overtly says "your child will be messed up if you don't AP", but the overall tone is there. As much as I believe that AP is a fine way to parent and that there are many benefits, I don't think that it has some magical, exclusive way to make kids so much better. He just seems to take credit for an awful lot based only on his own opinions.
    Mama to three boys ('03, '05, '07)

  9. #9
    Ceepa is offline Diamond level (5000+ posts)
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    Quote Originally Posted by o_mom
    He just seems to take credit for an awful lot based only on his own opinions.
    I would take it with a grain of salt and he's going to say whatever he wants on his own Web site.

  10. #10
    o_mom is online now Pink Diamond level (15,000+ posts)
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    Quote Originally Posted by Ceepa
    I would take it with a grain of salt and he's going to say whatever he wants on his own Web site.
    Oh, I do He does proclaim himself as the "father" of AP, but sells some really crappy (IMO) slings, so I don't take him too seriously.
    Mama to three boys ('03, '05, '07)

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