Why we discipline the way we do... (long)

[brittone2]

And another thing I do want to point out. Attachment parenting is not about cloth diapers. BFing, co-sleeping, and baby wearing are methods to foster that attachment because it keeps the baby close by you but AP looks different in every relationship.

ITA. I do most of the things usually associated w/ AP but I know lots of moms that respond to their children in an attached way without doing the supposed checklist that has become associated w/ AP. You can nurse, cloth diaper, and cosleep and not be a parent that responds in an APish fashion to your child. IMO it is about meeting your child's needs.

[cvanbrunt]

Plus, I don't bf, CD, baby wear, co sleep. It is not that I don't agree with it; I think it is probably the better choice, but for me, my PPD was really hard. I actually had feelings of resentment for DD for the first several months. I did NOT want to bf, wear a sling, or do extra loads of laundry full of doo doo. I feel bad about this, guilty that I could not be a better mom who was/ is attached and happy about it.

I don't bf, cd, baby wear, or co sleep either. I also work full time. None of these things are better choices or worse choices or good choices or bad choices. They are my choices. It's tempting to look for validation of your choices, I know. But try not to. Guilt will get you nowhere. Someone will always tell you how wrong you are and someone will always tell you how right you are. You love your daughter and take care of her. That's all that's important. All the other stuff is detail. Attachment is the emotional bond that forms between an infant and the primary caregiver. A good, secure attachment can be achieved with all varieties of "details".

Please cut yourself some slack on the slap. You clearly know that isn't the style for you. You will develop what works over time.

[JTsMom]

JTs Mom, THANK YOU for the play-by-play of how to discipline in this gentle, but effectlve way. I so *NEED* that I want someone to write a book that says, "If DC does X, Y is the appropriate gentle, guiding response that will send the message firmly but without hurting DC." Lol, Good Luck, right?

If you find that book, please let me know. I'd give my right arm for it! It's easy when it's someone else's chld, and easier still when you've already been through that stage. IMO, it really helps to have other moms around who's parenting you admire- even if you only take bits and pieces of what they do. I've learned so much from this board, and from MDC, and there are certain posters who I watch for b/c I know if they are talking, I can probably learn something. And although they are harder to find, there are some books out there that will you give you some concrete things to try. The two that I've liked the best so far were Playful Parenting and Raising Your Spirited Child.

Anyway, I have been checking out GCM. I had previously looked at it but kind of written it off as not for me because, although we are Christian, we are not evangelical. I read some of their threads and find some of it hard to swallow or hard to live up to (Who keeps house joyfully? I hate housework!).

Yeah, there is no joyful housework here either. I just read the GD stuff and ignore the rest. A few days ago, I read a post on MDC that said something along the lines of "I was always stressing out about whether this or that was GD enough, but then I stopped worrying if it would pass the MDC sniff test, and did what worked for my family." That really spoke to me.

I started off somewhat mainstream, and have gotten pretty darn crunchy, but I didn't change overnight, and in the begining, I had a LOT of doubt- about all of these "things" that go along with it, and about my own ability to pull it off. Heck, I still do, depending on the day. Just do what you can, be proud you are doing SOMETHING and try to let the rest go. That part gets easier the more parenting years you have under your belt- at least that is what I've found in my limited experience. The glaring eyes of the other mothers are VERY hard to get past sometimes, but I just try to pretend like I'm the only one there. Half the time, whatever is going on with your child is 100 times a bigger deal to you than it is to anyone else anyway.

Plus, I don't bf, CD, baby wear, co sleep. It is not that I don't agree with it; I think it is probably the better choice, but for me, my PPD was really hard. I actually had feelings of resentment for DD for the first several months. I did NOT want to bf, wear a sling, or do extra loads of laundry full of doo doo. I feel bad about this, guilty that I could not be a better mom who was/ is attached and happy about it.

AP is definitely not a checklist. I didn't baby wear (although I will if I have another) b/c it didn't work for us-Ds hated the carriers I tried. I didn't CD- I thought it was nuts when DS was born. On the flip side- I didn't plan on co-sleeping, but when it was the only way for any of us to get sleep, I did it b/c that worked for us. You get the picture.

This stuff isn't an all or nothing cult, I promise. LOL I think you'll find a lot of us got to a crunchier/more AP/whatever you want to call it, way of doing things slowly, and the vast majority won't judge you based on any of that stuff.

I'm sure you've probably heard all of the "Don't go to LLL meetings, those women are crazy!" "Have you heard of MDC? Those women eat their own placentas!" "She's wearing a sling, she must be one of those mothers" comments, but IME, most of us are just normal moms who happen to think certain things are the best choices for our kids. You'd never pick most of us out of a crowd as an AP mom. Of course there are a few holier than thou types, but that's true of any group.

Liz, I'm sure you're a wonderful mother. I know it's easier said than done, but try to give yourself a break. Read a little, think about things, and try some new techniques and see how you feel.

[brittone2]

Carrie and Lori, those were two incredibly well written posts. So, so true.

[lizajane]

ITA. I do most of the things usually associated w/ AP but I know lots of moms that respond to their children in an attached way without doing the supposed checklist that has become associated w/ AP. You can nurse, cloth diaper, and cosleep and not be a parent that responds in an APish fashion to your child. IMO it is about meeting your child's needs.

this thread is just delightful. what a wonderful outpouring of sharing without judgement. i hope that those who do choose spanking do not take offense, as this thread does offer gentle discipline methods instead. i can't take offense because i agree! but i hope those who disagree do not...

as to brittone- yes! i DID breastfeed on demand for more than a year, cloth diaper, wear my kiddos in slings, mei tai, backpack, bjorn, fall asleep while nursing and attempt co-sleeping (no one slept!) BUT i am NOT an AP parent. because i believe (correct me if i am wrong) that AP is a child led parenting style and i choose a family led style. to me, that means the child is first 90% of the time. but there are times when a parent's needs must be met first, even if it frustrates the child. a slight variation, but one that works for us.

[m448]

Agree with most of the posts on this thread. I'm on GCM and yes I'm one of "those" moms. I'm somewhat crunchy but am much more pragmatic and not willing to do something that doesn't fit with our family's values.

I also wanted to mention that AP is not child led, as one of the 'B's is balance, which makes it wholeheartedly family lead but I'm one that was APing without having heard of it and to this day haven't picked up a Sears book.

To the OP, wanted to give you a heads up too - I have a boisterous boy. In fact I have two but the first one really shook up my expectations as to how I would parent. You'll see soon enough that there is a marked difference in general between boys and girls even with the wide range of difference within one sex. Children go through age-expected behaviors. Yes that means the good AND the bad. So no matter how lovingly gentle you parent you will likely go through a (or several) mouthy stages. You'll go through a hitting phase, a biting phase, a pulling hair phase, a knock the sibling over when he reaches a 1 miles radius phase. And I'm just remembering what we've surpassed the last 5 years LOL. It's HOW you handle these behaviors that's the mark of an effective parent. You'll learn pretty soon to get over the pressure and embarrassment you feel around other parents who may cluck their tongues at how you parent otherwise you'll cave into many things you'll regret later on. Also, no matter what works for one family YOU and your child are individuals that were brought together for a purpose (to me that means God picked me as the mom for MY kids, imperfect and impatient as I may be).

I just remind myself that my goal is to raise a caring, responsible ADULT which takes quite a while and there will be bumps along that road along with many teaching moments. I figure I have a while to make sure my child gets it ingrained to give his brother space and respect.


In the meantime I have a perfectly normal 4.5 year old and almost 2.5 year old that are loving and can be rough. They do things they're not supposed to be are catching onto to making amends and apologizing. They empathize and somedays barrel through rooms like a herd of elephants. They are intelligent yet still growing in maturity.

[JTsMom]

Beth, thanks so much, that means a lot coming from you!

because i believe (correct me if i am wrong) that AP is a child led parenting style and i choose a family led style. to me, that means the child is first 90% of the time. but there are times when a parent's needs must be met first, even if it frustrates the child. a slight variation, but one that works for us.

If that's what it means, you can count me out too! I don't know of any family that can function if everyone's needs aren't addressed- at least they won't be functioning for long. Usually DS's needs come first. Sometimes DH's do, and sometimes mine do. If my needs aren't met (at least most of the time), I can't be a very good mom. I'm not the martyr type.

I don't know that there is any one set definition for AP- IMO, it's more a state of mind. I like a lot of the stuff on the askdrsears.com site (look under AP). I guess to me, it's just the idea that my bond with DS is very important, and I do certain things to preserve and strengthen that bond.

The things I do are the things that work for us. A lot of them are on those checklists that get talked about- some aren't. I also think it has a lot to do with responding to DS's needs and feelings with the sense that they are just as important as mine. Not more important overall, but as important. There are times his needs get priority- when he was an infant and needed fed a zillion times a day, for example- and times when mine come first- when I have just had all I can take, and I lock myself in the bedroom, leaving DS with DH, regardless of whether he'd rather have me there. The balance shifts back and forth though- it's not all about DS all the time.

[DrSally]

Lori,

Thanks for your post. EVERYTHING you said was super helpful, especially the part about it being ok that I have not totally figured it out. I feel less guilty. Thanks for giving me permission to be, um, human. I think we hold ourselves to the standard of "make no mistakes" because its our kids we are talking about, but in reality, that is not possible. Everything has a learning curve, evening being a mom & discipline. I *know* that in my head, but I still need the external validation that its ok to "be gentle with myself," as you said.

One question, WHERE do I find information about what is age approriate behavior and therefore appropriate correction/ discipline? For example, how did you know that at 1, they don't remember for more than 2 minutes? It may seem obvious to others, but I actually need to be explicitly told/ read it somewhere to have it stick.

Thanks for your supportive message; it meant a lot.

ITA with Lori's msg. to be gentle with ourselves as parents. The fact that you have put so much thought into why you discipline the way you did/do and for what reasons shows a lot of self-reflection. To me, that is one of the most important things in parenting, no matter what route you find works/feels best for you.

[m448]

also wanted to say that I don't view AP as a style of discipline. AP is a way of promoting attachment, specifically in the preschool & infant set. Positive Discipline or gentle discipline is what I see stemming from AP as a way of disciplining kids (in order to teach them how to interact with their world).

I think the problem people see when they see permissive parents who also happen to be AP is that people think they must respond to their older children with the same immediacy as they would a baby. They don't enforce age appropriate limits with a child who craves them because they are stuck in the "AP the baby" mode when the child has hit toddlerhood.

I see a lack of boundaries, limits and proactive teaching in parents who think if they JUST respond to the child's needs they're good to go. However, when a child enters toddlerhood suddenly their needs and wants are not one and the same. That's when the active part of discpline comes in. The facing of no impulse control with a parent who now has to use proactive teaching to make it through until the child matures out of a certain stage.

[Tracey]

[QUOTE=JTsMom]If you find that book, please let me know. I'd give my right arm for it! It's easy when it's someone else's chld, and easier still when you've already been through that stage. IMO, it really helps to have other moms around who's parenting you admire- even if you only take bits and pieces of what they do. I've learned so much from this board, and from MDC, and there are certain posters who I watch for b/c I know if they are talking, I can probably learn something. And although they are harder to find, there are some books out there that will you give you some concrete things to try. The two that I've liked the best so far were Playful Parenting and Raising Your Spirited Child.



Here's the book that does exactly that! Discipline for Life: Getting it Right with Children by Madelyn Swift. I've read several other gentle parenting books, including ones mentioned in this thread, but this one is in a whole different league. PLEASE buy it and save yourself a lot of self doubt and anguish. I am very into gentle discipling because I want the best outcome possible for my child, and by my way of thinking, this method is the winner. I was beaten, not just spanked, but beaten as a child. Let's just say that I was very motivated to find a better way of parenting.