Why we discipline the way we do... (long)

[KBecks]

Oh boy. For me, I try to live in my own little parenting world and not make too many comparisons with how other moms are doing it. Not to say that I don't admire well behaved kids or notice out of control kids, but I try to be in tune with what my expectations and limits and preferences are, and if something works for me I don't give a flying fig what anyone else thinks of it. I'm in a playgroup with several moms I'm close to and we're all a little different in how we do things and I think that's really how it should be, parenting is individual.

I struggle with defining my parenting style, I'm pretty relaxed. I am kind of into gentle discipline, I do not hit/spank. I rarely, rarely yell. We do time outs sparingly. I was very laid back about potty training and it worked for me. I could describe myself as a lazy mom, but really, I stick to the things that are very important to me, such as being gentle with others. Otherwise my kids have a lot of freedom to do their own thing, and it works for me. It's not perfect but my kids are so far pretty wonderful, although not perfect. I'm happy with how it's going and I feel it's working and the kids are happy and loving, so it works.!!!

I think you need to find your own way and not worry about how other moms do it so much. If you don't want to slap your daughter's hand you don't have to in order to feel like a good mom. You know? There are no rules, seriously. I think you'll be happiest finding your own balance. It takes patience and experimentation. I also am big on trying to manage my expectations with where the kids are at developmentally, I guess that means I don't expect perfection, I expect them to have poor impulse control, etc., and I understand bad behavior is part of their experimentation as they learn.

I have visited gentlechristianmothers.com and I think you would enjoy it, just to see what's out there and possibly find ideas for things that might work for you. I have read a couple books on gentle discipline and I don't take everything, but I do get ideas and it's helped me develop my natural style.

[JTsMom]

Here's the book that does exactly that! Discipline for Life: Getting it Right with Children by Madelyn Swift. I've read several other gentle parenting books, including ones mentioned in this thread, but this one is in a whole different league. PLEASE buy it and save yourself a lot of self doubt and anguish. I am very into gentle discipling because I want the best outcome possible for my child, and by my way of thinking, this method is the winner. I was beaten, not just spanked, but beaten as a child. Let's just say that I was very motivated to find a better way of parenting.

Thanks! I'll be sure to check it out. I'm so sorry for what you experienced as a child.

[megs4413]

please forgive me, i haven't read all the responses yet.

but, i wanted to say that i have been through a similar situation. DH and I always assumed we would spank...we were of the "spare the rod, spoil the child" mentality. then right around the time DD turned 1, we had an incident. (we had not spanked up to that point, because she'd never really done anything wrong! LOL). we had a friend over to play and the mom and i were friends. she was a spanking mom, but again, our kids were young so we hadn't really done the spanking yet, just planned on it, KWIM? so the kids are playing and then they start to argue over a toy. my DD PUSHES the little boy down. I am flabbergasted! I was so upset. I took her into the other room, turned her over and swatted her on the butt (diaper on, so i'm not sure it even registered). then she looked at me with a mix of shock/confusion and instead of crying, laughed. i guess she couldn't fathom that i woudl hurt her, so i must have been joking. i was RACKED with guilt! my poor baby trusted me so much not to hurt her that when I did hurt her, she gave me the benefit of the doubt and laughed it off as a joke gone wrong. i realized right then and there i could never stomach HURTING her physically as a form of discipline. after all, i want her to know that no matter what she does, i will love her and keep her safe from harm. we have been following gentle discipline techniques ever since then.

I don't think one way is right all the time for all kids, but i knew by my reaction to that incident that that way wasn't right for me and my DD. and the best thing of all, is that it's working! she's a GREAT kid and VERY epmathetic. of course she does the normal 3yo sassy stuff, but we're able to deal with it without me losing my cool and without betraying her trust.

let's just hope my DS is responsive to this approach. he's the troublemaker around here...lord help me if i can't figure out what will work with him.

[kijip]

please forgive me, i haven't read all the responses yet.

but, i wanted to say that i have been through a similar situation. DH and I always assumed we would spank...we were of the "spare the rod, spoil the child" mentality. then right around the time DD turned 1, we had an incident. (we had not spanked up to that point, because she'd never really done anything wrong! LOL). we had a friend over to play and the mom and i were friends. she was a spanking mom, but again, our kids were young so we hadn't really done the spanking yet, just planned on it, KWIM? so the kids are playing and then they start to argue over a toy. my DD PUSHES the little boy down. I am flabbergasted! I was so upset. I took her into the other room, turned her over and swatted her on the butt (diaper on, so i'm not sure it even registered). then she looked at me with a mix of shock/confusion and instead of crying, laughed. i guess she couldn't fathom that i woudl hurt her, so i must have been joking. i was RACKED with guilt! my poor baby trusted me so much not to hurt her that when I did hurt her, she gave me the benefit of the doubt and laughed it off as a joke gone wrong. i realized right then and there i could never stomach HURTING her physically as a form of discipline. after all, i want her to know that no matter what she does, i will love her and keep her safe from harm. we have been following gentle discipline techniques ever since then.

I don't think one way is right all the time for all kids, but i knew by my reaction to that incident that that way wasn't right for me and my DD. and the best thing of all, is that it's working! she's a GREAT kid and VERY epmathetic. of course she does the normal 3yo sassy stuff, but we're able to deal with it without me losing my cool and without betraying her trust.

let's just hope my DS is responsive to this approach. he's the troublemaker around here...lord help me if i can't figure out what will work with him.

I just wanted to say that I really appriciated your story here. It takes a strong person to change their mind about a parenting belief. I am glad you found a path that worked better for you and your daughter.

[niccig]

I would cut yourself some huge slack regarding your parenting. You say you feel guilty about not bf, baby wearing, cding etc. She is well fed, and diapers changed, don't stress over the method of that. You made a decision for you based on circumstances at the time. Don't beat yourself up now. There are so many things we have to do as parents, don't use your time or energy to feel guilty. I did bd, cf and baby wear, because they worked for me, it doesn't mean I love my son anymore than you love your DD. Your daughter needs YOUR love, that's the most important thing, as someone else said, the rest is details, and you have to do what works for your situation.

As for discipline, it's trial and error for what works for you and you child and your family. Your daughter is just getting to the age where you need to start with discipline. And you and DH have to work out what feels right to you. Like Megs, I spanked DS and I felt awful about it. I was raised being spanked and didn't think about other options. It does not work for me.

Three things that I keep in mind when I'm dealing with DS . 1. Discipline is a teaching moment not punishment. You have to work out what will best teach your child. 2. Children will cry. DS get's upset when I say no to something, and I don't let his crying stop me from enforcing boundaries 3. The calmer I am, the more effective the discipline and the quicker we move on to having fun again. My voice is getting better and I can raise my voice again, but I'm trying not to. Everything was much calmer when I couldn't talk much above a whisper.

I like what a PP wrote about "getting off your butt" parenting. I do know some people that sit on the sidelines saying no over and over again and their kids don't seem to listen. We do Magic 1-2-3. If DS doesn't change the behaviour, I will intervene and remove him from the situation or take away the object he's not being gentle with. He knows I will intervene, and many times I don't need to.

Find your own way with parenting and discipline, it just takes a little time.

[DrSally]

Megs, that was a very insightful reflection you ad on your experience. Babies/kids are so trusting, arent' they. Dr. Sears has a great article on how "spare the rod, spoil the child" is misinterpreted from the bible. He quotes numerous passages in which the "rod" in the bible connotes guidance rather than punishment (e.g. "Thy rod and thy staff, they comfort me"), b/c the rod was what shephards carried while leading their flocks. Intesting, huh?

[DrSally]

Double post

[mommymy]

Thanks to all who have posted. I opened this thread in search of some encouragement and help on how to discipline. I find that it's hard to change from the discipline you experienced as a child...that is my hardest obstacle. I have two children oldest 3.5 years and I still have not found the right "technique", though have not really searched for answers till now. I need to change from punishing behaviors to positive disicipline You have all guided me in the right direction, and I'm grateful for your help. Thanks!