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  1. #1
    happy2bamom is offline Platinum level (1000+ posts)
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    Default DS has no friends in school :(

    I was observing DS class yesterday (through a one-way mirror) and noticed that he played alone the whole time. At one point he approached the sand table, where the other boys were playing and when he tried to join them he was pushed away by one boy and another boy said something to him (I couldn't hear, but it wasn't friendly). So.. DS walked away and continued to play alone.

    I told DH and he said that I was making a big deal out of nothing. That 4 year olds don't really have friends that they identify, they just play mostly with adults.

    Then today I was getting a snack ready for school (Tomorrow DS brings snack for his class and is the special helper, so it is a big day for him). I showed him the snack that he was bringing to pass-out to all of his friends and he said, "I don't have any friends at school". My heart is breaking. He is so sweet and so loveable. I don't understand why the other kids don't see that? How do I help? How do I not make the situation worse?

    TIA
    Kelli
    Proud mama to Biggy & Redball

  2. #2
    SnuggleBuggles is offline Black Diamond level (25,000+ posts)
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    How does he feel about it? My ds has a few good friends but he is also happy to play by himself. None of his good friends are in his class so he plays alone at recess from what the teacher has told me. My feeling is that so long as he has someone, just one friend, that is enough if he is happy about it.

    Ds1 was new 3 years running so he had a hard time breaking into social groups. So, I think he just started being happy on his own. It is a good thing, in a lot of ways. He really can interact well with others too. Like if we are at the playground he can easily make a friend to play with- but only if hhe wants to.

    I really think before you get too worried you need to see if it even bugs him. And, if you have any friends from outside of preschool stay in touch with them so he knows he has friends and is likeable if that is a concern he expresses. Then, talk to the teachers and see if they can encourage the others to be more welcoming.

    Beth

  3. #3
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    Hey there,
    I was watching a show the other day "A Place of our Own" I believe it's called. It's a PBS show about education and they covered this topic. A lot of the teachers would take the alienated child by the hand and introduce them into social groups and encourage the kids to play with the child. I think maybe you can try talking to the teacher so that she can intervene and maybe just occasionally introduce him to different play groups. For example, she could have walked him up to the sand box and introduced the idea that he play there with them and maybe stuck around for a few minutes to make sure they were making nice. 4 is so young, at that age they need lots of modeling and encouraging to be friendly and social IMO.
    Hope this helps,
    Jackie

  4. #4
    kedss is offline Sapphire level (2000+ posts)
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    its tough with 4 year olds, maybe try inviting one of his classmates for a playdate on the weekend or after school? I know with my 4 year old he will play with everybody, but if there are kids who have a clique are playing together, its harder for him to join in, and then will get his feelings hurt. If he plays one on one with a friend it works better.

    It is surprising how early the 'cliques' start, or maybe as adults we forget how early they start?

    I would talk to your DS and see if there is someone at school that he would like to have over and see if you can arrange a playtime.

    hugs


    Kate
    mom to C, 12/03, H, 06/08 and R, 4/11

    "When a woman says "What?" It's not because she didn't hear you. Its because she's giving you a chance to change what you said." ~Author Unknown(posting on FB)

    "Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing up is like shoveling the walk before it stops snowing." ~Phyllis Diller

  5. #5
    Globetrotter is offline Red Diamond level (10,000+ posts)
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    DS has a lot of friends but he is shy at first. He does have a good friend in KG but hasn't opened up much to others, as far as I can tell! I arranged a playdate so he could get to know another boy in a relaxed home environment. They really hit if off today during their playdate, so I think he's made a new friend I will do it again with a couple of other kids and he will be set!

    I never did the playdate thing at preschool and he was reserved at first, but in a few months he had made friends with everyone and the teachers said he was the only person who played with everyone. Some kids take longer to gain trust and open up to other kids, so give him some time... and I highly recommend some playdates!

  6. #6
    bnme is offline Sapphire level (2000+ posts)
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    I wouldn't be too worried just yet if he doesn't seem upset. That happens often and it may seem to be more than it is. I think many of the kids vary between playing solo and in groups at that age. And it is usually not a friend thing or who they like better. More of a mood thing. (DS's are/were in a co-op preschool so I am there quite a bit)

    I always just encourage my boys to be good friends -say hi, introduce themselves, be friendly and play nice with others. I don't ask 'Do you have any friends?' more like 'Did you play with anyone today?'. Encourage him to be friendly, not to 'have friends' so it doesn't set up an expectation, if that makes sense. If he says he doesn't have any friends I would say something like 'You have a lot of classmates, everyone is there to play'. And then talk about friends he does have. I would try to gauge by this is he was upset by it, if something happened, or how it was affecting him.

    Is he there all day, or more like a couple times a week/couple hours? Do the other kids now each other from a prior class?

    Hope he had a better day
    Donna

    Mom to JT 1/03 and TJ 8/04

  7. #7
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    CAM7 is offline Silver level (200+ posts)
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    Kelli I feel so bad for your little guy. If something like that happened to my ds my heart would break too. But at 4 kids are rather fickle and make friends fairly quickly...

    I like the PP suggestion of inviting one of his classmates over for a playdate... or meet up at the park?

    I bet by next week things will change completely and he'll have a buddy or two...or three... :-)

  8. #8
    niccig is offline Clean Sweep forum moderator
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    Last year, it wasn't until the end of the year that I started to hear about kids from DS class. The teachers said he played with everyone, so I wasn't worried. It's a new class this year and different kids to last year, so I'm waiting to see who he seems to play with most and then organise a play date to help things along. He's friends are from our playgroup and none of them go to the same preschool.

  9. #9
    MMEand1 is offline Platinum level (1000+ posts)
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    My DS is in KG this year. He has never been to Pre-k or day care, so this whole "I'm your friend/I'm not your friend" thing is new to me.

    I find it interesting that one boy told my DS that since he (the other little boy) was going to a birthday party that my DS was not going to that they could not be friends.

    My DS told us last night that he was going to tell a little girl in his class that she could be his friend. We told him that he should try to be friends with all the kids in his class and at least say hi and be friendly to them. I'm not so sure that he really understands the whole "clique" friend thing yet...

    I have never had very many friends and at many times in my life have "played solo" because I find it very difficult to connect with other people. I'm perfectly happy, however, because it seems that friends sometimes bring drama and that is certainly not something that I want in my life!

    Hopefully it's just the newness of the year and he will find his own little group to feel at home with!

    Good Luck!
    Mariah P.

  10. #10
    mamicka is offline Emerald level (3000+ posts)
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    That makes me really sad. I don't think that kids need to be friends with everyone or that its a bad thing to play solo. But I think the school needs to address the issue of treating/talking to others with respect & kindness.

    I'm sorry those boys weren't kind to your son. That would be hard to see.

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