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  1. #1
    TraciG is offline Sapphire level (2000+ posts)
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    Default Am I the crazy one who think's my DD shouldn't go out late on school night's

    UGH this will NEVER end. The other day I asked DH when he'll be near his mother's house, needed something dropped off there, anyway he tell's me we're going Wednesday night. WHAT, I didn't go a couple of week's ago on a week night when other relatives were there because it was a school night so what changed !

    I was /am so annoyed that he just tell's me we're going ! A day later he tell's me I don't have to go, his mother is not having the party / dinner for me, there are other people invited, he then tell's me it's so nice that they asked what time to have dinner , I guess since DD has school. He tell's me it's nice that she cook's for us & invite's us & that it's not easy for his mother to do it, GIVE ME A BREAK, this is what they live for, been doing it since I'm married, we go there EVERY Friday night too, that's enough, I don't need to drag 2 kid's out near bedtime in the cold, one is 9 month's old !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    So I told him I'd go this time but I'm not going out again unless it's a special occasion during the week. I BET his sister will now invite us over to her house for dinner next Wednesday, the whole point was I want them to know I am serious.

    So ended up DS had a low fever , reaction from shot's from the day before, so my DH went with DD, I was thrilled not to go ! I asked him to get her home not later then 9:30, her bedtime is around 8 sometime's earlier .


    So one of the guest's get's out of work late, arrives at 7:30, so what was the point of asking what time to have dinner, again , give me a break ! He had to run to CVS to get Infant Tylenol, I thought he was then on his way home, it was around 9 or after, no he left DD there & they were first going to have dessert, it's almost a rule, you can NOT leave until after dessert, so ridiculous, I said to leave before. So they get home after 10:30, she was asleep at 10:50, 3 hour's of sleep she missed, I am so MAD.

    Today she only has half a day of school, parent teacher conferences BUT later she has gymnastics & if she doesn't nap she'll pas sout on the way, hard to get a 5 year old to nap !

    By my DD going last night it's telling them it's ok to have us over during the week.

    This is ruining my marriage, we're from different culture's & don't agree about this, so it's VERY hard with his family. They must think I'm the crazy one.

    I have complained about this type of thing many time's here I am so annoyed I had to write it !!!!!!!!!!!
    Traci

    Mom to Sydney Nicole & Jacob Hunter

  2. #2
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    I had to tell you that you are not the only one! My good friend called yesterday to complain that she was stuck going to dinner with her brand new IL's all by herself..again! Her new hubby had bought tickets to a game and "forgot" it was his own mother's bday! He couldn't get rid of the tickets so MIL says she, hubby and my girlfriend could go out. Oh, and it is so "blue coller" to eat before 8:00 so dinner will be at 8:30! What?!?! I am usually in bed by 9! GF was NOT happy. My DH didn't understand what the problem was. To top things off her MIL is a real b*tch. Anyway, you are not the only one with crazy IL's that don't get reality.
    Deb

    Mama to:
    Maya 2/12/05
    Max 4/24/07

  3. #3
    TraciG is offline Sapphire level (2000+ posts)
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    I do have to stick up for my MIL she isn't mean, is actually very nice & if I ever needed her for something I know she would be there, it's just the late night thing, they don't understand schedule's !
    Traci

    Mom to Sydney Nicole & Jacob Hunter

  4. #4
    HIU8 is offline Red Diamond level (10,000+ posts)
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    I'm having the same issue right now. DH wants us all to go and pick up MIL at the airport. Her flight gets in at 6 pm. He wants us all to go out to dinner afterwards. That would be ok IF the airport weren't 35 minutes from where we would normally take the kids and know they would eat, and if dinner were not going to be at 7:30 pm. And yes, they can eat snacks in the car, BUT, by the time we get home it will be past their bedtimes. Neither will sleep well and DH does not help me with them at night or the very early morning b/c he has to be at work at 7:30 and does not sleep well (so any sleep he can get he relishes). I get the sleep thing. I really do. AND I WOULD CARE IF I WEREN'T SO SLEEP DEPRIVED. So I just told DH that he should pick up his mother and bring her here. I would have dinner ready for them. The kids would already by fed and bathed. they could spend a bit of time before bed with their grandmother and then get to bed at their normal times so I could also do the same. Holiday season sucks!
    Heather

    DS 2004
    DD 2007

  5. #5
    TraciG is offline Sapphire level (2000+ posts)
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    you got lucky in the end, as long as you can REALLY get them to bed at home on time !

    For me this is all year, never ending.

    I did get my 5 year old to nap, BUT I know I will have to wake her in an hour & she'll be cranky & probably not even want to go to gymnastic's, waking her is like witnessing the exorcist !

    I do the whole night thing too while DH fall's asleep watching TV on the couch, I usually just leave him there !!
    Traci

    Mom to Sydney Nicole & Jacob Hunter

  6. #6
    HIU8 is offline Red Diamond level (10,000+ posts)
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    Well, DD and DS don't see MIL a whole lot (4ish times a year). They will be happy to see her, but they need that sameness so I know DD will go right to bed and DS will want to finish out his routine for the evening and go to bed (MIL is more than welcome to join him, but he will still go to bed on time). This, in turn, makes my life easier.

    Oh, my father eats with us every night (except Friday and Saturday nights when he does services and torah study with friends), so I have an opposite issue of having my father leave at a decent hour (usually right after baths and a book that they like him to read to them).
    Heather

    DS 2004
    DD 2007

  7. #7
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    Luckily my DH and I agree about schedules and we pre-determine the rare occasions where DC stays out late. Even on a non-school night we are dealing with a tired kid the next day. DC is incapable of sleeping in, has always been that way.

    My thought is - if DH doesn't respect the schedule, he should be the one responsible for your DC and her crankiness or whatnot the next day. In the (luckily) few instances when DH and I have disagreed on something, his having to navigate DC alone that day has been a great teaching tool for DH to learn that yes, I am right.

  8. #8
    deenass is offline Platinum level (1000+ posts)
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    Default maybe talk to your MIL?

    Clearly you and your husband have different views / opinions on this subject (going out at night). Your statement that this is ruining your marriage may indicate that you seek out some sort of therapy (for you alone or jointly) so that you can figure out a way to meet both of your needs.

    You may also want to address the issue with your MIL directly. Maybe through a phone call (or in person if you can talk privately with her). Explain to ehr that you are very appreciaive of her help / time she spends with her grandkids but at this stage of their lives they really need a schedule / routine. Blame it on DD teacher (her teacher said that on Thrusday morning DD seemed overtired and wasn't able to participate as much) oir your ped (dr thinks kids should have xx many hours of sleep a night) or even your own observations / expereince (it's really difficult for kids to get to sleep when they've been out late, etc). I would stress that now that DD is in kindy it is importatn for her to have the sleep and down time she needs to be productive in school.

    Clearly this is something you are struggling with and it's not going to change unless you actively do soemthing to change it. Personally, I think you and your husband need to get on the same page with regard to parenting, but why I think doesn't really matter b/c you are the one dealing with it, not me.

    I have been the B**&CH in my family more times than I care to count (didn't go to Disney with my sis and parents b/c I ddin't want to deal with a 9 month old there) and have not gone out to dinner / meals b/c it was naptime or my kids just wouldn't do well. I'm not willing to sacrafice my own sanity and I am upfront and clear about that with DH before we embark on a large family gathering /event. I'm sure my in-laws aren't always crazy about me, but at the end of the day, I'm the one dealing with cramky kids and I will try my hardest to avoid those situations.

  9. #9
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    egoldber is offline Black Diamond level (25,000+ posts)
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    I know she would be there, it's just the late night thing, they don't understand schedule's !
    I think this is your real issue. Your DH and ILs are from a different culture. Different cultures have very different perspectives about time and schedules. The typical Anglo American culture (speaking in broad strokes of course) tends to value bedtime and adherance to schedules. Many cultures do not have this same value set. To them it's no big deal to have a late bedtime (or to be late in general) and if you're cranky the next day, then so what?

    Neither culture is correct. They are both valid world views. The problem as you have expressed in many posts is that a) you don't feel validated by your DH for your own beliefs and 2) the difference between the two cultures' views on time creates stress for you.

    I think that the PP who said that therapy for you and your DH is spot on. This is an issue that as a couple you need to address. It's an issue in your marriage and perhaps suggesting counseling will get your DH to see what an issue this is for you.

    I really do feel for you, because my ILs are somewhat similar. They are very loose about these things, tend to run late, are not planners and it drives.me.NUTS! Sometimes I have just had to let go. Sometimes I have had to put my foot down. You and your DH need to work out that balance for your family.

    Good luck!!
    Beth, mom to older DD (8/01) and younger DD (10/06) and always missing Leah (4/22 - 5/1/05)

  10. #10
    TraciG is offline Sapphire level (2000+ posts)
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    Deenass you sound like me with avoiding going out & being home for nap's, I alway's say I'm the one who will suffer when they're up at night from being overtired & it's NOT enjoyable at a restaurant with a baby !

    My SIL wanted to go on vacation about a month ago, I told her it would be to hard, she kept pushing & said her mother & sister would come & they would help. Meanwhile for her it's much easier, her baby is so easy going & can sleep anywhere & thru noise, she say's she trained him that way, yeah whatever.

    If we went for therapy we'd have the problem of who would watch the kid's !! My family is an hour away. I wouldn't want my in-law's to know !!

    Now that DD is older with her it is easier to go out at night but still not school night's. I waited so long to have another baby for this reason, getting invited out so much HATED IT ! I am a homebody, I WANT TO RELAX when the kid's go to bed 7:30 - 8 not be out. My DH think's we have no life .


    Right now I feel resentment toward's my DH, It's so hard when you have inlaw's that don't get it, my SIL told me how they were out a few week's ago, Sunday night, they left 10:30 but she SIL from other side of the family was still there with her kid's & they were fine, good for them ! She tell's me how they grew up & they're all fine , like my DH she must think I have no life.

    Meanwhile I am already stressing abut tonight's dinner, it's at SIL, who has a small house & will be a miracle if I can get DS to sleep there, it's loud everywhere, my worrying doesn't end, I have been thinking I need to be on medication because I just wish I didn't worry about this all the time !!
    Traci

    Mom to Sydney Nicole & Jacob Hunter

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