LONG, but need advice - how to deal with DH behavior when at in-laws

[conniez]

Thanks everyone for the advice. It was very helpful & I appreciate everyone's honesty!

[wellyes]

If it was once in a while I'd let it go, personally. But twice a month is too much.

DH said, "Well, he's old enough to make his own choices". I said that doesn't mean you have to make excuses for him.

And your DH is old enough to make his own choices too! But you can't change someone else's behavior by nagging (even if you're in the right). Continuing what you're doing, since you've made your feelings clear already, may just enable it to continue.

If I were you, I'd not let the in-laws family have that frequent/powerful a place in my life. I'd flat-out tell him that you do not have a good time when visiting your inlaws due to his drinking and the way he behaves around his brother. So in the future, you want to go less often. Once a month. If he absolutely insists on going, let him go without you. Send him with the girls (if you are sure he won't drive them home while he's intoxicated) and make a date with a friend or spend the day enjoying yourself at the spa. Go only if & when YOU feel like hanging out with your SIL.

I know some people wouldn't agree with that approach but it's the best I can come up with I am a big believer in taking action to break negative behavior patterns.

[TwinFoxes]

I wouldn't go, and I certainly wouldn't send DDs. I have nothing against drinking, but drinking until you're sick in front of your kids on Christmas? Come on. Your DDs deserve better. Major hugs to you. I know this can't be easy.

[KrisM]

I wouldn't go, and I certainly wouldn't send DDs. I have nothing against drinking, but drinking until you're sick in front of your kids on Christmas? Come on. Your DDs deserve better. Major hugs to you. I know this can't be easy.

Me neither.

[mamicka]

I agree that I wouldn't go nor would I allow my kids to go. They sound like toxic people, honestly.

I don't think making an ultimatum to your DH is necessarily the way to go... I'm not sure there is really anything you can do to force him to change. But if that were me, I know that it would become a real problem between DH & I if he continued to allow himself to get sucked into that behavior. Even if only because it bothers you so much.

[BabyMine]

I wouldn't go, and I certainly wouldn't send DDs. I have nothing against drinking, but drinking until you're sick in front of your kids on Christmas? Come on. Your DDs deserve better. Major hugs to you. I know this can't be easy.

and counseling.

[conniez]

This makes me sad as I had a relatively drama free 2009 & I feel like I'm about to open up a can of worms and the ****s going to hit the fan. I agree though..I'm just going to continue to get frustrated watching it happen. So next weekend when it's time to visit the in-laws I'll just have to tell DH that he can go alone if he plans to play his little frat boy games with his brother. I know talking to DH didn't work, and ultimatums aren't fair either..but you are all right in that I don't have to watch it happen and neither do my daughters. Hopefully this will be a step in making DH realize what he's doing.

[SnuggleBuggles]

I guess I am a minority here. Your dh is a grown up. You aren't really treating him much like one. He knows he isn't making good decisions around his family. I don't agree with what's going down, I should make that clear. But, your dh needs to be allowed to figure out this dynamic. He knows where you stand. You can choose not to go if it bothers you and you can keep your dd home. But, it sounds like you have a pretty decent dh and you might wind up escalating something that doesn't need to be as big of a deal as you might see it as. Now, I am not there to see this in action. Could be totally different in person. But, taking a shot before playing a video game isn't the most irresponsible thing a person can do and I don;t see the college frat boy stuff as being totally awful. It's just a less "mature" form of something a lot of "adults" do often, especially at family gatherings- finish off a few bottles of wine and play games. Or, maybe I am only speaking for my family and friends b/c that is a pretty normal way for us to hang out.

Your dh will find a good balance, I'm sure. Have faith in him and know he is a good guy.

Beth

[conniez]

I guess I am a minority here. Your dh is a grown up. You aren't really treating him much like one. He knows he isn't making good decisions around his family. I don't agree with what's going down, I should make that clear. But, your dh needs to be allowed to figure out this dynamic. He knows where you stand. You can choose not to go if it bothers you and you can keep your dd home. But, it sounds like you have a pretty decent dh and you might wind up escalating something that doesn't need to be as big of a deal as you might see it as. Now, I am not there to see this in action. Could be totally different in person. But, taking a shot before playing a video game isn't the most irresponsible thing a person can do and I don;t see the college frat boy stuff as being totally awful. It's just a less "mature" form of something a lot of "adults" do often, especially at family gatherings- finish off a few bottles of wine and play games. Or, maybe I am only speaking for my family and friends b/c that is a pretty normal way for us to hang out.

Your dh will find a good balance, I'm sure. Have faith in him and know he is a good guy.

Beth

I appreciate your honesty. I think I have a pretty decent DH, too, but I just don't think he's setting a good example getting drunk & sick in front of our girls. I have never given him hell about having a beer or a glass of wine like what he did at his mother's birthday dinner. Even if I don't drink & don't like him drinking, I don't think the occasional beer or glass of wine is a problem. It's when his bro. keeps pushing shot after shot or the bp games...just making him feel like alcohol is THE only way they can have fun together. But we do agree on one thing: I would never ask him to choose, but I don't like seeing him like that or having the kids see that so I'm just going to tell him we'll just stay home if that's how they're going to hang out together.

[StantonHyde]

2 weekends a month you are staying over at MILs?? That's a LOT of time there. I could not sustain that kind of schedule--especially once your kids are in school.

If its dinner 2x month, then that is doable--but DH has to handle his alcohol. I would just not go if he can't not drink.

Can't MIL come to your house? Can you do stuff during the day? There have to be other ways around this. And too bad if you look awful--we are talking about your children here.