LONG, but need advice - how to deal with DH behavior when at in-laws

[jenandahalf]

My MIL is nice & I do like spending time with SIL and my nephew, so I feel like not visiting as often would deprive MIL of time with her grandkids...I don't want to punish her just because her son's an immature loser. I feel like I'm stuck.

You aren't stopping your MIL or SIL from visiting you at your house - perhaps if you explained your reasons to the two of them they might feel more inclined to do something about what is going on in their house. Right now nobody's behavior has any consequences, so nobody has any reason to change.

[conniez]

Yes, you are all right. I don't know if this is just something that's common with Asian families...pushing problems under the rug/not acknowledging them. I could write a book about all of the problems MIL's kids have created for her & about all the drama that goes on.

I guess I was just hoping to not create waves again as I'm always the "troublemaker" because I don't like having problems ignored like they do. For example, YEARS ago when said oldest brother was dating a girl that was a total b*tch, spread lies about me, and then she'd be fake to the rest of the family and hold my daughter when we visited...I called the bro. up & told her not to touch my daughter ever again. Granted I was young, 19 years old and stupid for not keeping my mouth shut, but you get the point. DH's brother & the mom called me up and asked what I was doing because -at the time- they didn't see her for who she was. A year later the bro's gf cheated on him & left him as she was having a kid with his bf. I just feel like I'm causing trouble again 10 yrs. down the line.

[cvanbrunt]

My MIL is nice & I do like spending time with SIL and my nephew, so I feel like not visiting as often would deprive MIL of time with her grandkids...I don't want to punish her just because her son's an immature loser. I feel like I'm stuck.

I'm sure your MIL is lovely but why do her feelings trump yours? This is about what you want for your family.

[kijip]

I agree with pp. I would just stay home with your immediate family in your shoes and make your own holiday traditions. Invite your MIL and SIL over too.

We don't spend a lot of time around our relatives who are obnoxious with alcohol and think alcohol is the only way to have any fun.

[JTsMom]

I'd be pretty concerned about this situation. I think counseling may be your best bet. That is really a toxic situation, and I wouldn't want my DC around that. You could always invite the family to your house more.

[conniez]

Thanks for your opinions everyone. Please pray that I can keep my resolve, as the next time it's time to go to my in-laws I'm going to tell DH that if he plans to play frat boy games with his brother, then the girls & I will just be staying home. I can almost guarantee a fight will ensue, but I pray that I'm strong enough to hold my ground.

[SnuggleBuggles]

I guess I am a minority here. Your dh is a grown up. You aren't really treating him much like one. He knows he isn't making good decisions around his family. I don't agree with what's going down, I should make that clear. But, your dh needs to be allowed to figure out this dynamic. He knows where you stand. You can choose not to go if it bothers you and you can keep your dd home. But, it sounds like you have a pretty decent dh and you might wind up escalating something that doesn't need to be as big of a deal as you might see it as. Now, I am not there to see this in action. Could be totally different in person. But, taking a shot before playing a video game isn't the most irresponsible thing a person can do and I don;t see the college frat boy stuff as being totally awful. It's just a less "mature" form of something a lot of "adults" do often, especially at family gatherings- finish off a few bottles of wine and play games. Or, maybe I am only speaking for my family and friends b/c that is a pretty normal way for us to hang out.

Your dh will find a good balance, I'm sure. Have faith in him and know he is a good guy.

Beth

[conniez]

I guess I am a minority here. Your dh is a grown up. You aren't really treating him much like one. He knows he isn't making good decisions around his family. I don't agree with what's going down, I should make that clear. But, your dh needs to be allowed to figure out this dynamic. He knows where you stand. You can choose not to go if it bothers you and you can keep your dd home. But, it sounds like you have a pretty decent dh and you might wind up escalating something that doesn't need to be as big of a deal as you might see it as. Now, I am not there to see this in action. Could be totally different in person. But, taking a shot before playing a video game isn't the most irresponsible thing a person can do and I don;t see the college frat boy stuff as being totally awful. It's just a less "mature" form of something a lot of "adults" do often, especially at family gatherings- finish off a few bottles of wine and play games. Or, maybe I am only speaking for my family and friends b/c that is a pretty normal way for us to hang out.

Your dh will find a good balance, I'm sure. Have faith in him and know he is a good guy.

Beth

I appreciate your honesty. I think I have a pretty decent DH, too, but I just don't think he's setting a good example getting drunk & sick in front of our girls. I have never given him hell about having a beer or a glass of wine like what he did at his mother's birthday dinner. Even if I don't drink & don't like him drinking, I don't think the occasional beer or glass of wine is a problem. It's when his bro. keeps pushing shot after shot or the bp games...just making him feel like alcohol is THE only way they can have fun together. But we do agree on one thing: I would never ask him to choose, but I don't like seeing him like that or having the kids see that so I'm just going to tell him we'll just stay home if that's how they're going to hang out together.

[StantonHyde]

2 weekends a month you are staying over at MILs?? That's a LOT of time there. I could not sustain that kind of schedule--especially once your kids are in school.

If its dinner 2x month, then that is doable--but DH has to handle his alcohol. I would just not go if he can't not drink.

Can't MIL come to your house? Can you do stuff during the day? There have to be other ways around this. And too bad if you look awful--we are talking about your children here.

[niccig]

I would not want DS to see DH like that, and passing out on Christmas, well I would be furious. You say it's not at home, so that is good, but your DH does need to find a way to not do it with his family witnessing. If that is what he wants, then have a guys night alone. Maybe you can talk about it now and say that it was not something your girls should witness is Dad drunk asleep and for him to moderate the beer pong when the girls are in the house. And if he wants a guy night of games and beer to be with his brother, he can do it but without you all there. And suggest he set up guys nights, but the girls visiting MIL isn't the time.

As for not fighting over it, I don't know if you can avoid it. He sounds like he knows it wasn't the thing to do and he may get defensive. I would have already had the fight the first time with words like "my DC will not see their father puking and passed out drunk" being thrown around. I run hot tempered though and I would have driven home and left him there.