LONG, but need advice - how to deal with DH behavior when at in-laws

[MamaMolly]

Here is the thing I'm stuck on. I know pot is not a big deal to a lot of people but for me it would be huge. I'm probably beyond square, but for me the pot would be a total deal breaker. What if BIL really had messed up your DH with the pot in his food? What if something had happened to your DCs because of it?

JMHO here but sweeping problems under the rug is one thing, what your BIL did/does goes way beyond that. Sneaking drugs into people's food would be the e.n.d. of any relationship I had with BIL.

If my DH were passed out drunk in front of my DD's I'd be tempted to video him and show it to him later. So that when he is sober he can see what they see. A wasted Daddy. Maybe shame will bring him around. I'm really really sorry you are dealing with this.

[conniez]

As for not fighting over it, I don't know if you can avoid it. He sounds like he knows it wasn't the thing to do and he may get defensive. I would have already had the fight the first time with words like "my DC will not see their father puking and passed out drunk" being thrown around. I run hot tempered though and I would have driven home and left him there.

lol That is so ME re: the driving home & leaving him there. I was about to do that when his bro. got him drunk at the grad. party, but he wouldn't stay there when I was trying to go. Also, I KNOW that I'm a hot head, so I feel like maybe it wasn't the right thing to do & just my emotions taking over.

[conniez]

2 weekends a month you are staying over at MILs?? That's a LOT of time there. I could not sustain that kind of schedule--especially once your kids are in school.

If its dinner 2x month, then that is doable--but DH has to handle his alcohol. I would just not go if he can't not drink.

We don't sleep over. Just dinner and then stay for a little bit. We usually come over around 6pm because they work on weekends.

Here is the thing I'm stuck on. I know pot is not a big deal to a lot of people but for me it would be huge. I'm probably beyond square, but for me the pot would be a total deal breaker. What if BIL really had messed up your DH with the pot in his food? What if something had happened to your DCs because of it?

ITA I never took drugs or smoked or drank. EVER. So while most people might call me a goody-two-shoes, I just never found any appeal in those things. And I DO think pot is a big thing. That's why I was mad as he!! when I found out that BIL did that to DH. DH laughed, which pissed me off even more, but it just showed how he's willing to just excuse everything his older brother does. Oh and I don't talk to BIL when I'm there. We haven't talked since I told his GF off 10 yrs. ago. We don't look at each other and don't really acknowledge each other.

[kijip]

Here is the thing I'm stuck on. I know pot is not a big deal to a lot of people but for me it would be huge. I'm probably beyond square, but for me the pot would be a total deal breaker. What if BIL really had messed up your DH with the pot in his food? What if something had happened to your DCs because of it?

JMHO here but sweeping problems under the rug is one thing, what your BIL did/does goes way beyond that. Sneaking drugs into people's food would be the e.n.d. of any relationship I had with BIL.

I agree with this. If someone gave me a controlled substance against my will and without my consent (which I would never, ever consent to and have never been vaguely interested in, I was and still am pretty straight edge) I would quite likely never speak to them again. And I would never, ever, take my kids into a house where drugs were being done or commonly kept. My brother for a time had a roommate on drugs, we never went there until the guy was gone. It's just not in my comfort zone, moreover with children.

[infomama]

I would be pretty distressed over the cold hard fact that he is choosing to get wasted even though you have professed your disgust for the situation. I would speak to him about it again and have a plan. If you see the plan go south on your next visit, grab the kids and leave. If he/they get pissed that you left, so be it. Make sure he knows that you are dead serious when it comes to this issue. Send the message.

I would be careful not to make it appear that you are asking him to choose between his brother and you/kids rather you want him to realize the detriment his over zealous drinking is causing your relationship and his relationship with your dc. If I knew that someone was doing illegal drugs I would insulate my dc from that person..completely.

GL and be strong.

[dcmom2b3]

I would be pretty distressed over the cold hard fact that he is choosing to get wasted even though you have professed your disgust for the situation. I would speak to him about it again and have a plan. If you see the plan go south on your next visit, grab the kids and leave. If he/they get pissed that you left, so be it. Make sure he knows that you are dead serious when it comes to this issue. Send the message.

I would be careful not to make it appear that you are asking him to choose between his brother and you/kids rather you want him to realize the detriment his over zealous drinking is causing your relationship and his relationship with your dc. If I knew that someone was doing illegal drugs I would insulate my dc from that person..completely.

GL and be strong.

IMO, telling your DH that you don't want your DCs to have a father like BIL is missing the point, because in his mind, he's not like BIL. You don't want them to have a father who [fill in with specifics] acts like your DH currently does around his family. That's a touchy, touchy point to bring home, and implicates all sorts of family "stuff." Short of counseling, my best advice is to leave, every time, when the stupid behavior starts.

And you might remind your DH that there aren't any guarantees that the pot his brother is feeding him on the sly isn't laced with goodness-knows what else. Like pesticides? PCP or LSD? It's not like the FDA regulates the stuff . . .

[conniez]

Okay I just had a talk with DH....I just couldn't wait until it was time for our next visit with my in-laws. I didn't bring up the fact that I detest BIL...I just told him that we (his mother, myself, our daughter) were disappointed when he got sick/drunk & passed out again when we were there for xmas. He told me that it wasn't hard liquor (like I originally thought), but that he drank too much of the light beer they used for beer pong...No difference to me though. Either way he tried to open the door to our bedroom to leave and I told him I wasn't finished. Well, he said there was nothing to talk about. So I followed him to the bathroom & I told him that I don't want to be there if this is what's going to continue to happen, and that our oldest daughter shouldn't have to see him like that. He said "Okay, I will control my drinking" so I guess we will see. If it happens again I will risk looking like a drama queen & I will pack up the girls & leave him there.

[conniez]

I would be careful not to make it appear that you are asking him to choose between his brother and you/kids rather you want him to realize the detriment his over zealous drinking is causing your relationship and his relationship with your dc.

I agree that it's not right to make him choose between his brother & us. The comments I made about his brother were when we were at home & something BIL did came into the conversation (like smoking pot w/younger BIL). When I talked to him just now, I didn't even bring up the fact that I think BIL is a total loser. I just said it's not right that your kids see you passed out like that.

IMO, telling your DH that you don't want your DCs to have a father like BIL is missing the point, because in his mind, he's not like BIL. You don't want them to have a father who [fill in with specifics] acts like your DH currently does around his family. That's a touchy, touchy point to bring home, and implicates all sorts of family "stuff." Short of counseling, my best advice is to leave, every time, when the stupid behavior starts.

And you might remind your DH that there aren't any guarantees that the pot his brother is feeding him on the sly isn't laced with goodness-knows what else. Like pesticides? PCP or LSD? It's not like the FDA regulates the stuff . . .

DH probably knows I don't like BIL, but I haven't actually told him that I don't want them to have a father like BIL. I try not to slander BIL on a daily basis...I try to make it more about BIL's action so it doesn't seem like I'm attacking BIL as a person. But I never really compared DH to him. The only time I've commented on BIL's actions were: 1) When he got DH wasted at DH's grad. party (then left him alone while he was sick & in no condition to care for himself), and 2) When I found out BIL snuck pot into DH's food.

When I talk to DH about his drinking, it's more that I know he doesn't like the way he feels when he gets sick/drunk so why does he continue to do it? And that I don't think it's good that our daughters see him like that. I try to leave BIL out of it (despite what I feel) because I don't want him to feel like he's in a position where he has to choose between "them" and us.

[kijip]

I just want to address something. You say several times that your husband is not a drinker and that is why the alcohol affects him. Yet, he is drinking with his brother on a fairly regular basis and is getting ****faced/passed out a couple times a year. And most recently at Christmas. That is a problem with drinking. He may not be able to effectively curtail or control it without well thought out behavior change techniques and counseling for himself.

[conniez]

I just want to address something. You say several times that your husband is not a drinker and that is why the alcohol affects him. Yet, he is drinking with his brother on a fairly regular basis and is getting ****faced/passed out a couple times a year. And most recently at Christmas. That is a problem with drinking. He may not be able to effectively curtail or control it without well thought out behavior change techniques and counseling for himself.

I say that he's not a drinker because he only drinks when we visit their family (not every time, but sometimes when we visit them) which is maybe 2x a month. I could be wrong, but I don't consider him a "drinker" because he does not drink at home & he does not go out to drink. I want to believe that he can change on his own, which is why I had a talk with him tonight to see if he will in fact try to change his behavior. I am really torn because as a prev. poster said, aside from this issue, he really is a decent DH and sometimes I feel like I'm making a big deal out of it...but even if I am, I am sure about one thing: that I'm not happy about him drinking with them. I can't control BIL and I can't really control DH either.

I just hope he really means it when he says he will control his drinking from now on. If he can't then we will see if us leaving him there @ in-laws will wake him up. If that doesn't work, then I really hate to have to resort to leaving him and moving in with my parents.