If you are divorced or have thought about it...

[LBW]

how did you know when you had finally had enough? What got you to the point where you felt as if the financial and emotional hardships of divorce were the best or only option?

If you managed to salvage your relationship, how did you do it? We've tried therapy (joint and individual), but we're worse off now than a year ago.

I feel like I'm in this horrible state of limbo because I cannot figure out how to get out and I also cannot fix what's wrong.

[Moved from Bargain Alert forum b/c I'm having that kind of day and posted in the wrong place.]

[BabyMine]

No advice just .

[C99]

I could not read this and not respond, although I have not gone through this. I just wanted to offer you a little virtual support at this difficult time.

[mommy111]

PMing you

[SM23Mama21]

I could have written this post word for word! I am in the same exact spot right now, so you are not alone. I'll be watching this thread.

[sste]

I don't remember the title but there is a recent book by someone (waites??) out of university of chicago examining divorce. Apparently, in most cases if people ride out the hell for 5-7 years they end up fine. This occurs because alot of the problems that lead to divorce are situational and tend to resolve over time (money problems, stress of extremely young kids, crazy work hours all tend to either improve over time or the partners' coping with them improves).

The one exception is people that are "lonely" within their marriage - - I know the researcher who did this portion of the work and it is not in the book but in forthcoming work. People that feel pervasively lonely in their marriage are not any happier years later (at least not absent intervention) . . . they are just as lonely and unhappy.

I think most marriages reach the point where the thought at least passes through people's heads about divorce. For me, the reason I have not divorced is that I love DH, I can't imagine a person more uniquely suited to me, and in many ways I have never met a person more admirable. Our biggest problems have been over time, stress, in-laws, and balancing children with work . . . but I tend to think those problems will get better as our kids grow and DH become more established and efficient in our professions and over time come across more flexible, lower-commute professional opportunities. So, I am riding it out.

[Cam&Clay]

I got to that point when I realized no matter how poor I'd be, no matter how lonely it would be, no matter what anyone would think of me (including parents, in-laws, friends, DS1's teachers, etc.), I would be a happier person without him. And above all, I knew that DS1 deserved a happy mom.

It was the best decision I ever made. XH and I have done divorce well. We all get along great.

If you need more advice, feel free to PM me. I've been there. It's not easy, but it was most definitely the right decision for me.

[California]

Its hard to be happy and energetic about anything when your most intimate relationship isn't working. Have you tried switching counselors? There are many different schools of thought in therapy and sometimes it takes some time before you find one that works with your personality/views. Three people in my family died within a two year period, including my dad, and I went through some serious grief issues that hurt my marriage. I couldn't figure out why counseling wasn't helping-- then after meeting several counselors found "the one" and things started to improve after that. The counselor who I clicked with, by the way, used the Bowen Family Theory.

[JMS]

I don't remember the title but there is a recent book by someone (waites??) out of university of chicago examining divorce.

Would you mind trying to track down the title of that book? I tried looking on Amazon but struck out. I'd really like to read it. TIA!

[sste]

here you go,

http://www.amazon.com/Case-Marriage-...7211611&sr=8-1