I didn't understand about poking until DH and I talked about it today, he does his ex-wife sometimes, I should have done that. To let you all know, he denied my request, I knew he would
. His wife is his friend and I don't think that would go over very well. When we dated he had all these rules I had to follow, I couldn't be friends with anyone single, if a group of us went out to lunch at work, I couldn't go if a guy was going (I did, just never told him, lol), lots of stupid things like that. He had my mind so warped.
I have all my settings (like my pics, etc) where only friends can see them. I really don't care if he sees any pics of my kids, I just don't know if he can see my Wall thru my sisters. I honestly don't care anymore.
As for feelings I still have for him...alot of unresolved anger for the way he manipulated me. He did it slow and carefully, he knew what he was doing. He seemed like he has this real sensitive side but it was more like a self-absorbed self-pity of all the sad things that had happened in his life. Nothing abnormal, his parents divorced, he didn't speak to his mother, (she 'betrayed' him by getting remarried-her old HS sweetheart, I thought it was sweet!), for 3+ years, I was the one who got their relationship back on, going great, and him accepting her new DH. I've never gotten 'closure' on the relationship and the crap he put me thru afterwards, kwim?
I did deeply care about him at one time, I wouldn't say it was a deep true love. Over time he killed any *good* feelings I had toward him. He slowly pounded me down with his words, I wasn't a strong person, he had me truly convinced no other man would want/put up with me, I should be so thankful that he does and so thankful to God for his love. I was in the mode of always trying to please him and get his approval.
I did smarten up, I got to the point where I would rather be alone than with him, aprx. the last 9-10 months of the relationship. I heard a quote on TV the other night, something like ' the relationship is over long before it ended', that describes it. I worked full time at a bank and took 2 college classes at night, you couldn't get financial aid being a part time student, I paid for them myself and still lived with my parents.
There was no just breaking up, if I ever tried to talk about issues he argued me down, talking in circles, it just wasn't worth it. He would always throw out the 'I'd die without you' card.
. I hated hurting him, but I knew I had to get away.
So I started a plan to literally run away to another city, hours away. I knew I couldn't even tell my mother, she would tell him. I started saving up what I could, I knew I'd have to pay for an apartment. My first choice is ironically where I live 45 min from now. This was before internet and banks wouldn't talk to me much over the phone, it was hard to find an excuse to drive there for interviews because he knew my every. single. move. The bank I was working at I was in the mortgage dept, had only been there a year, things were slowing down and I was let go. I got a new job right in town that paid alot better in a week and really loved working there, it was a marble quarry, I worked in the office. My hometown has huge marble seams running under it, alot of marble from it is in many of the monuments in Washington D. C.
Thats where I met DH. I would work overtime as much as I could to avoid ex, DH and I became very good friends. I had had
enough of ex by then. A girl I had befriended there asked me if I wanted to go to a club with her one weekend to go dancing. That was a huge rule breaker. I said sure! Sounded great, I just wanted to go out and have fun. I remember that Sat. afternoon when ex stood in my driveway and told me if I pulled out to go pick her up, it was OVER!. I said casually, 'Well, I guess its over...' as I backed out. I will never forget the look on his face
. She and I had fun, weren't looking to meet any guys. Ex shows up at my house the next AM very serious. This is the killer, he came to scold me, but to let me know he would be able to forgive me over time. I was alot stronger then, I remember telling him I didn't know what he was going to forgive me over because there was nothing I was sorry about. There was alot more said.
Anyway, DH and I became closer and closer. He would help me with my Algebra homework and we could talk for hours and hours. Ex would still show up at my parents all the time so I had to hide out at DH's.
. My mother was mad at me because she really liked ex, but seriously dude, coming to my parents every evening, having dinner with them, for 2+ months after YOU said it was over if I drove off to go dancing, I was mad I couldn't even go to my own house. I would drive by and his car would be there 95% of the time
Sorry this was so long. Sometimes I have nightmares and I am with him. In the dreams I am thinking 'OMG! OMG! Why am I with him!!! How do I get away!! Why? Why? Why am I married to him!!!'