My ex-boyfriend FB friended my sister????

[purpleeyes]

I didn't understand about poking until DH and I talked about it today, he does his ex-wife sometimes, I should have done that. To let you all know, he denied my request, I knew he would . His wife is his friend and I don't think that would go over very well. When we dated he had all these rules I had to follow, I couldn't be friends with anyone single, if a group of us went out to lunch at work, I couldn't go if a guy was going (I did, just never told him, lol), lots of stupid things like that. He had my mind so warped.

I have all my settings (like my pics, etc) where only friends can see them. I really don't care if he sees any pics of my kids, I just don't know if he can see my Wall thru my sisters. I honestly don't care anymore.

As for feelings I still have for him...alot of unresolved anger for the way he manipulated me. He did it slow and carefully, he knew what he was doing. He seemed like he has this real sensitive side but it was more like a self-absorbed self-pity of all the sad things that had happened in his life. Nothing abnormal, his parents divorced, he didn't speak to his mother, (she 'betrayed' him by getting remarried-her old HS sweetheart, I thought it was sweet!), for 3+ years, I was the one who got their relationship back on, going great, and him accepting her new DH. I've never gotten 'closure' on the relationship and the crap he put me thru afterwards, kwim?

I did deeply care about him at one time, I wouldn't say it was a deep true love. Over time he killed any *good* feelings I had toward him. He slowly pounded me down with his words, I wasn't a strong person, he had me truly convinced no other man would want/put up with me, I should be so thankful that he does and so thankful to God for his love. I was in the mode of always trying to please him and get his approval.

I did smarten up, I got to the point where I would rather be alone than with him, aprx. the last 9-10 months of the relationship. I heard a quote on TV the other night, something like ' the relationship is over long before it ended', that describes it. I worked full time at a bank and took 2 college classes at night, you couldn't get financial aid being a part time student, I paid for them myself and still lived with my parents.

There was no just breaking up, if I ever tried to talk about issues he argued me down, talking in circles, it just wasn't worth it. He would always throw out the 'I'd die without you' card. . I hated hurting him, but I knew I had to get away.

So I started a plan to literally run away to another city, hours away. I knew I couldn't even tell my mother, she would tell him. I started saving up what I could, I knew I'd have to pay for an apartment. My first choice is ironically where I live 45 min from now. This was before internet and banks wouldn't talk to me much over the phone, it was hard to find an excuse to drive there for interviews because he knew my every. single. move. The bank I was working at I was in the mortgage dept, had only been there a year, things were slowing down and I was let go. I got a new job right in town that paid alot better in a week and really loved working there, it was a marble quarry, I worked in the office. My hometown has huge marble seams running under it, alot of marble from it is in many of the monuments in Washington D. C.

Thats where I met DH. I would work overtime as much as I could to avoid ex, DH and I became very good friends. I had had enough of ex by then. A girl I had befriended there asked me if I wanted to go to a club with her one weekend to go dancing. That was a huge rule breaker. I said sure! Sounded great, I just wanted to go out and have fun. I remember that Sat. afternoon when ex stood in my driveway and told me if I pulled out to go pick her up, it was OVER!. I said casually, 'Well, I guess its over...' as I backed out. I will never forget the look on his face . She and I had fun, weren't looking to meet any guys. Ex shows up at my house the next AM very serious. This is the killer, he came to scold me, but to let me know he would be able to forgive me over time. I was alot stronger then, I remember telling him I didn't know what he was going to forgive me over because there was nothing I was sorry about. There was alot more said.

Anyway, DH and I became closer and closer. He would help me with my Algebra homework and we could talk for hours and hours. Ex would still show up at my parents all the time so I had to hide out at DH's. . My mother was mad at me because she really liked ex, but seriously dude, coming to my parents every evening, having dinner with them, for 2+ months after YOU said it was over if I drove off to go dancing, I was mad I couldn't even go to my own house. I would drive by and his car would be there 95% of the time

Sorry this was so long. Sometimes I have nightmares and I am with him. In the dreams I am thinking 'OMG! OMG! Why am I with him!!! How do I get away!! Why? Why? Why am I married to him!!!'

This is all very concerning to me. I see it as abusive behavior. I guess you did, too, as you worked so hard to get away from him. You are so strong to break away from that!!

With that being said, I wonder now, why you would want to be *anywhere* near him? I would IMMEDIATELY ask your sister to unfriend him and then BLOCK his ass! And, to be honest, if she was my sister and didn't unfriend him, I would block her, too.
IMO, I would take his past behavior very seriously.

Just my 2 cents. Good luck! Sometimes facebook can be a PITA.

[SammyeGail]

This is all very concerning to me. I see it as abusive behavior. I guess you did, too, as you worked so hard to get away from him. You are so strong to break away from that!!

With that being said, I wonder now, why you would want to be *anywhere* near him? I would IMMEDIATELY ask your sister to unfriend him and then BLOCK his ass! And, to be honest, if she was my sister and didn't unfriend him, I would block her, too.
IMO, I would take his past behavior very seriously.

Just my 2 cents. Good luck! Sometimes facebook can be a PITA.

I really wanted to thank you. The whole relationship is hard to describe. I was very involved in church, he was also, me being 20, he was 23 when we met, it was hard being a Christian, standing by your convictions (I was a high strung stick in the mud, lol) and meeting anyone to date. Thats why I stayed with him so long.

He was very good about having one personality in front of the public and another in private. His favorite/famous quote was 'Do as I say, not as I do'. He was also very adamant about what I did and didn't do affecting his reputation. He was a DJ/did shows for one of the top Christian radio stations in America.

If I were to ever run into him while visiting my hometown, which is 'small-town America', I honestly don't know how I'd react. Not well I suppose and I hope my purse would be really heavy .

As for this sister, we are not close. Its a long and crappy story.

If he sent her a friend request, she probably accepted it out of spite.

She was very friendly via email around Thanksgiving and before our Christmas, but has replied once to my emails after that. Writing all this, it like I have to remind myself she could care less about me. As for my boys, she came to see them for the first time right before they turned 2, DH and I went to see my parents often. I think she's seen them 3 times. Its totally her loss but it also tears me apart because we're family.

Thanks for the therapy session, lol!

[StarringU]

and you better believe IM pissed! I cant even believe she would do that. WHY? WHY would she even want to look at his ugly face after all the crap he did to me? And I mean domestic violence. I lived in hell for 10 years!! And she knew it . She actually helped rescue me from this. She dont "get" why Im harboring a grudge , she says and refuses to remove him!! What the heck!!???/
I have done my best to get out from under this man's control for almost 20 years now and yes i have to see him occassionally at our grown kids parties etc ..but though i manage a cordial squeak hello, that would be it. Whats the use of fighting ? But on the other hand why would my sister whom I have looked up to all my life want to do this to me?? DOnt she know this is a thorn in my side? Dont she know that all the hurts of the past come flooding back??

I dont get it !

[SammyeGail]

Starring U,

I just checked the internet for the day and got your email. Yes, it is hurtful, I had to re-check my settings to make sure they were on 'friends only' and if my sister commented on anything I posted I knew he could see it.

What was the worst is that his settings were on 'friends of friends' so I would catch myself looking at his page, he was very active on FB. His comments were still very far out there.....

With my sister being the way she is, getting mad at you but not expressing it, never knowing how to ask her, about 2 weeks ago I finally did. There was more to it, but I told her that he had done alot to me that she probably didn't know about, the worse being a snide email after our mother passed away. If she runs into him and enjoys his post thats fine, its her FB , but it would mean alot to me if she would un-friend him.

I then told her about a friend request I got from a lady I was actually friends with in HS 6+ months ago. I saw that she was friends with her (my sister's) ex-H so I had to write her and tell her I would love to chat and catch up, but for my sisters privacy, because I wasn't 100% sure how FB security worked, if she was friends with xyz, I couldn't accept her friends request.

I recapped that it was her FB and she could be friends with anyone she wanted to, I respected that, but if she would consider un-friending him it would be deeply appreciated!

She was online at the time and sent me a message back that she deleted him. That she never sees or talks to him, she didn't know about FB security and that he could see info on me, or her ex on her! I thanked her profusely!

If she had not un-friended him I would have been very, very peeved. Yes I said its her FB and I respected that, but it was more like 'its your FB, you do what you want....', LOL.

I'm very relieved that I am not tempted to look at his page anymore! Phew! DH has a mutual friend with his ex-wife and he looks at her page sometimes, she has about 15+ friends which include her DD, DH, step-children, their spouses and her dog. It doesn't bother me any because he does it out of amusement, its not very active, I can log into his account and look anytime I want also, I just don't care too.

I do feel your pain Starring U!!

[Sillygirl]

You broke up with this guy in 1997. Here's what else was happening then:

Bill Clinton was sworn in for his second term.
The Dow hit 7,000.
Dolly the cloned sheep was born.
The Heaven's Gate suicides happened.
Andrew Cunanan killed Gianni Versace.
Tony Blair became Prime Minister.
Fen-phen warnings came out.
Princess Diana and Mother Theresa died.
The NYT printed their first color photo on the front page.
The McCaughey septuptlets were born.
Titanic was released in theaters.

Dude, it was a LONG TIME AGO. You are still carrying around a whole load of drama. Maybe Facebook is not the place for you right now.

[SammyeGail]

You broke up with this guy in 1997. Here's what else was happening then:

Bill Clinton was sworn in for his second term.
The Dow hit 7,000.
Dolly the cloned sheep was born.
The Heaven's Gate suicides happened.
Andrew Cunanan killed Gianni Versace.
Tony Blair became Prime Minister.
Fen-phen warnings came out.
Princess Diana and Mother Theresa died.
The NYT printed their first color photo on the front page.
The McCaughey septuptlets were born.
Titanic was released in theaters.

Dude, it was a LONG TIME AGO. You are still carrying around a whole load of drama. Maybe Facebook is not the place for you right now.

OK, thanks....