What do you say to someone whose friend or family member passed away?

[newmomto1]

In the past two days, there's been two unexpected deaths. I don't know how to console the person whose friend or family member passed away. I start off with, "we're so sorry for your loss" and then silence. One of them just cried and cried and cried. I felt so bad because I didn't know what to say. Since it was over the phone, I couldn't reach out and hug them. What else can I say?

A friend of mine lost her father last year. At the time, we were friends mostly because our boys were friends...so it's not like we were super close.
When she lost her father I felt so awful for her. I always feel awkward in these situations...not knowing what to say, etc. I usually say "I'm sorry"...but then don't know what to say after that.
But, I was there for her. I called her often in the days and weeks following. I offered to take her kids. I just let her know that we (our family) was there for her.
Our families are really close now...
She later told me that throught the process of losing her father she found out who her real friends were. She has many times expressed such appreciation of the people who were just "there" for her.
So, I don't think it's so much what you need to "say"...I think it's just being sincere and "being there" that is important.
HTH

[Cam&Clay]

I lost my mother in November. What meant the most to me was when a person said SOMETHING. Anything. What I found baffling was the number of people at work who said nothing at all to me when I returned. But, thinking back to when I was in their shoes, there were many times that I said nothing to co-workers that I wasn't very close to. My fear was that I would upset him/her. I realize now that just saying, "How are you?" or "I'm really sorry." means the world to the grieving person.

I also appreciate those that didn't ask, they just did something. If they had asked, I would have probably said no.

My neighborhood got together after I returned home and coordinated meals for me for a few weeks. Since DH isn't here during the week, they knew that just getting to work and taking care of the boys was enough for me to handle. At first I thought the meals were unnecessary, but I was so grateful for them in the end. They allowed me to just concentrate on the basics.

[wellyes]

When my FIL died last year, somewhat unexpectedly, the next 2 days were spent answering the phone. DH & his brother always answered. The callers all said the same things.


I heard about your dad.
I'm so sorry.
This is such a shock.
He was so full of life last time I saw him.
And if it's a friend, "what happened"?
Let me know if I can do anything.


Whoever answered the phone would give the story of that day in the hospital, basically to say it was quick and there was no suffering. I initially didn't get the benefit of having to tell that story over and over and over and over but in the end I think it was very cathartic for them. Made it real.

Every phone call was appreciated, you don't have to say much of anything.

[gatorsmom]

After you say how sorry you are, you could tell the grieving person what a difference that person made in someone else's life or a special memory about that person. Or maybe even a funny quirk you know about them. At least I've found this to be comforting when my mom died 5 years ago. Friends of mine have said that the stories they heard about their loved one at their wake were uplifting. I loved hearing nice stories about how my mom helped people, or even laughing when others about some of the funny things she used to do.

[inmypjs]

I lost my mother in November. What meant the most to me was when a person said SOMETHING. Anything. What I found baffling was the number of people at work who said nothing at all to me when I returned. But, thinking back to when I was in their shoes, there were many times that I said nothing to co-workers that I wasn't very close to. My fear was that I would upset him/her. I realize now that just saying, "How are you?" or "I'm really sorry." means the world to the grieving person.

I also appreciate those that didn't ask, they just did something. If they had asked, I would have probably said no. .

I really agree with this! I lost my mom suddenly in December. I have been very hurt by people who I thought I was close to that honestly said and did nothing. It makes me feel invisible. I have tried not to take it personally and to tell myself that they just don't know what to say/do. For me, I would really like to talk about my mom more, but hardly anyone asks. On the occasions where people have asked, if I've gotten teary, they've changed the subject quickly and not given me the chance to say anything. I think grief makes a lot of people very uncomfortable. It's really hard.

So really, I think anything you say or do is better than nothing. If you do ask questions, try to really listen to the answers. Realize that if the person gets emotional, it may or may not mean that they don't want to talk about it. Ask them if they'd like to go to a comfortable place and talk more, or if they don't want to talk about it. Try to let them lead instead of reacting based on your own comfort level.

Cards meant a lot to me too. They are small gestures - but just knowing that people were thinking of me helped. Again, it was weird that I got cards from my chiropractor and hair dressor, but not from some of my closest friends.

Also, I am not sure of the relationships involved in the losses you are referring to, but another thing that is hard for me is when people come up to me and say, "How is your Dad doing? I'm sure it's so hard for him" - but they don't ask or say anything about me. My Dad lives in another town, and most of the people asking don't know him. Again it makes me feel invisible. So I would suggest that if you are talking to someone who has lost someone, and you ask about other impacted family members, please ask about them too.

I also want to say that I think it's very nice you are thinking about the best ways to be helpful.