spacing for DC2 - 2 yrs or 3 yrs? (long)

[lmh2402]

i know spacing between kids has been discussed in various ways and times on this board, but DH and i were just talking about it AGAIN tonight and i'm super torn

would love thoughts from all of you wise folks...

DS is 13 months. for DC2, we will be trying for another spring baby - i have serious seasonal affect issues and i also had major PPD/PPA...having a fall/winter baby will not be good for me/us, if it can be avoided

so our options are trying this summer for next spring. or waiting a year and trying next summer for the following spring

the spacing, if all worked as we would hope (which we KNOW is not a guarantee) would be roughly 2 years. or roughly 3 years.

the points we are considering are:

1. space - we currently are house hunting (you might remember, we had an accepted offer on a house...but we walked away b/c we just decided we didn't like it enough)

where we live right now is not feasible for a second kid. and i don't want to get pregnant until we are sure we're moving. so that alone might dictate that we wait until next summer

2. my "stability" - i had a really hard time after DS was born. really hard. he was not an easy baby - horrible colic and reflux. but even if he were easy, i know i would have still struggled

and honestly, i still have a lot of anxiety and depression. i get very stressed out with the daily attempts to maintain a schedule (self-imposed need for control) with just my one kid.

so the thought of adding an infant to the mix petrifies me

BUT...i really want a second. i don't want DS to be an only - DH and i both want at least one more. so i'm going to have to do it at some point. and i just don't know when...

3. prolonging the "baby" phase of our lives - DH and i both keep going back and forth as to whether it would be easier to have two that are two and under? the couple downstairs just had their second and their older DS is 3yrs, 2 months. he seems SO heartbroken to have "lost" his mama to the new baby. i'm sure this phase will pass, but it brought tears to my eyes earlier today. and i wondered if he were younger, would it have been less of a shock to his world?

but on the flip side, would i just be setting myself up to totally lose my mind with two kids so young and in need of so much assistance for everything?

i know this is long and rambling, but if you have any relevant thoughts, i'd love to hear them

thanks

[MamaSnoo]

no answers...just hugs. We are right there with you, except DD is already 25 mos, so the closest we could have now is just under 3 years.

DH wants to wait. He is worried I cannot handle the extra stress/work of another. And he is worried about the fatigue of that first year.

I would really like another, but I am worried about complications. (GDM with DD, and we would be trying for VBAC).....

Anyway, hugs again to you and I'll be looking out for the other replies.

[elephantmeg]

we like spring babies too We did the 25 month thing and it worked pretty well. The first year was hard but I'm really glad now to be moving on with small children and getting rid of the baby stuff!

[KrisM]

we like spring babies too We did the 25 month thing and it worked pretty well. The first year was hard but I'm really glad now to be moving on with small children and getting rid of the baby stuff!

My kids are late-April, June and July and ther are 25 months between each.

DS1 was so excited when both the others were born. No issues with him at all. DD was not so thrilled with DS2 at first.

I am happy that my diapering days are numbered and that I am now able to do more things with all the kids on my own - I took them sledding and swimming this winter and was not able to last year. I am looking forward to things getting easier in that respect.

[Dr C]

We very intentionally waited to start trying for our second until DS was a little over 2 years old. I was fully immersed in his baby phase and I felt nowhere near ready to even think about #2 until then. It's been the right decision for us. Ours are 3 years, 2 months apart. It was good when I was pregnant because DS could sometimes walk and didn't always have to be carried. Now that DD is born, I love that my older DS can take verbal directions and can actually border on helpful. For example when I am nursing DD, he can let the dogs out, or he can bring me a burp rag when she spits up. When the baby is asleep he can entertain himself for a while if I need to get something done (for example, tonight he rode his bike in the driveway while I mowed the front lawn... of course I kept a close eye on him, but he can be trusted to stay in the driveway and not do anything too stupid... a 2 y.o. would not). Yes, he did turn into a bit of a monster for a month or two when his sister was born (and that may just be that the beginning of 3 was just a hard age for him) but that phase has passed, and while I do still see a bit of jealousy now and then it's quite manageable (for example at one point tonight both kids were crying--DH is out of town--and DS kept saying "deal with me first!"--we managed that one with a little distraction--behold the power of yogurt). Overall a 3 year spread has been great for us and I'm glad we waited.

My sister and I are 3 years apart and we played together lots as kids and are close now as adults.

Good luck with your decision--I'm curious to hear what others have to say!

[emily_gracesmama]

26 mths was a great spread for us. The first year was rough but they
get along really well together now most of the time and play well. Since
they are both girls the interests are the very similiar. It's nice to stay in baby
mode once you are there. Good luck deciding!

[momof2girls]

there is 28 months between my DDs...if I could do it over again I would have made them slightly closer in age (maybe 18 months)....my sister and I are 18 months apart and are much closer than my sis who is 2.5 yrs younger just b/c we were always close grade level wise in school so we shared friends, clothes, and had much more in common as far as music, and trends when we were growing up.

[ourbabygirl]

I think either of those choices are great! As many people on the boards have said before, oftentimes the kids' personalities matter more than their age difference, in determining whether they'll be close (relationship-wise) or not. I would say not to rush it and if you don't feel ready quite yet. It turns out that ours will be about 24 months apart (if DC2 is born in October, as predicted), and back when I was thinking about the spacing, DH preferred 2 years, and I kind of preferred 2 years in school but 2.5-3 years in biological age spacing. Well, we had a happy surprise and it turns out that DH got his way! But everyone says that if you can make it through those first one or two years, it gets much easier and it's nice to have them that close. I also have a few friends and SILs having their next kids soon, too (spaced 2 years apart, as well), so it's cool to be going through pregnancy and planning for the next kid together.
If you really want to be in a different home when you have your next kid, though, I would probably wait until that's all done. I hear it's very stressful to be packing and moving with a toddler and an infant, not to mention having your house on the market and constantly needing to keep it clean for showings while you're sleep deprived and needing to arrange baby gear and clean up your toddler's messes!

Good luck!

[BabyMine]

My sister and I are a little over 3 years apart and so is DH and his sister. We knew we wanted 3 years apart becasue we wanted to have awhile to bond with M. Plus M was born with a lot of medical problems that required a lot of hosptial and Dr visits. We were very nervous about have a second becasue we didn't know if it would have the same complications. Even though the odds were minuscule we were still scared.

I also had a chronic illness that I didn't know if my body could handle it. I had to talk to all my Drs to get approval and to stop my medications 6 months prior to trying to concieve. When we finally did get pregnant they were going to be 3y 3m 3ds apart. TT decided to come early and they are now 3y 3m 1 day apart. I wouldn't change it for the world. M is in school and TT and I stay home and bond just like I did with M.

[pinkmomagain]

My opinion is to wait for 3 yrs. This way you will be more settled in your new home (I finding moving and settling so stressful) and your older one will be old enough to be starting nursery school which will give you a little breathing room.

I'm 3 yrs older than my sister. And my first 2 are almost 3 yrs apart...I really like that spread alot.