My ex wants to move out of state

[tylersmama]

I feel completely powerless right now and don't know what to do.

XH has been dating a girl from the neighborhood he grew up in (in Ohio) for several months. I have no problem at all with that or with their relationship in general, except for the fact that she's in Ohio. She has a 3 year old, and her divorce was not as amicable as ours, so apparently her moving here is not really an option. He hinted several months ago that he was thinking about moving back to Ohio this summer to be closer to her and to his family, and I told him at that time that I thought it was a pretty lousy idea. Well, apparently his lease is up in March and he thinks he has to make a move then if he's going to.

I just don't see how this can be a good thing in any way, except for that DS would get to see X's family more often. From a logistics standpoint, I don't see how flying back to Ohio frequently to see his father is going to work well, especially once he starts school full-time next year. And once he potentially gets involved in sports and activities, it's going to be even worse! I'm not comfortable with him flying by himself for at LEAST several more years, so someone would have to fly with him both ways.

From a purely selfish standpoint, I treasure the time I get to myself on the weekends. I love DS more than life itself, but my entire life is planned around him, from what I can do for a workout and when (because I have to either take him with me or plan it when he's at school or his dad's) to any activities with friends to when I can study and do my homework (only when he's in bed). And while I do enjoy my "me" time when he's with his dad, if it's longer than a few days, I start feeling like a piece of myself is missing.

And most of all, I worry about DS and how it would affect him emotionally. I don't ever want him to think that he wasn't good enough or lovable enough and that's why his dad moved away from him.

Talk me down, here...I've already sent him an email detailing (and going into more details, even) the things I've listed here. I don't want to come off as the bitter and angry ex-wife, who's just trying to make things difficult for him, because that's really not what this is about. It's about what's best for DS (and to a lesser extent, me), and I just don't see any way that this could be good.

Advice? BTDT?

[kara97210]

Wow, this is tough. I totally think you are right to be worried/concerned. I also think your ex's primary responsibility/concern should be your DS not his new relationship. Sounds like he is going to go from being a joint parent, to just holidays, school vacations, etc. That is a huge adjustment for all 3 of you.

Don't have any advice for you, but good luck and .

[rlu]

What is it that your X wants? Does he want to go as Kara97210 indicates - just seeing DS on holidays? Is that best for DS, maybe it is. Having happy parents is important to a kid and if this is what X needs to do to move on and be happy, maybe it's for the best long-term?

[blisstwins]

I think he needs to think carefully about the implications for his relationship with his son. He already chose to leave when he was very young and moving now if likely to transform his relationship and really hamper their ability to be close. I think it is lousy to move for a woman at this point, unless they are truly on the verge of marriage. So sorry for you.

[elektra]

Just wanted to send you some hugs. Such a tough situation and it seems like you are being very level headed about the whole thing. Your DS is very lucky to have you as his mom.

[jenmcadams]

Gaye -

I read your post earlier and have been wondering if I could offer any third party advice. I have two close friends who both have their ex-spouses living out of state. One has a son who is in 3rd grade (and the Dad has been living out of state since he was 1) and the other has two sons, one in K and 3rd grade (in her case, she moved back to CO from out of state where shortly after relocating, her DH left).

My friend who has been dealing with this since her son was 1 has seen the situation change a lot over time. At first, the Dad flew back 2x per month to see the son. His parents were members a golf club with cottages in town and he would just stay there when he came in from out of town. Over time, the visits were cut down to every 3-4 weeks and are now every 4-6 weeks. He ended up getting married and having a child and he's really become a vacation dad. It's tough...my friend has also remarried and luckily her new DH has been a great stepdad to her son. He loves his stepdad and while he obviously loves his Dad too, he has been lucky to have that guy in town for all the stuff little boys want their Dads to do (Dad events at school, sports stuff, etc.)

My other friend has had a rougher time...even though she only lived in the new state for a month when her DH left her, it was super tough to get court approval to come home to CO. Eventually, she got the court approval, but she flies the boys down 1x per month and her ex flies up here 1x per month. It's been a nightmare as the boys have gotten older and are on sports teams, etc. They are constantly missing games, school parties, birthday parties, etc. and end up missing a 1/2 day of school every time they fly down there. When their Dad flies up here, he often won't take them to parties or school events b/c he wants to just spend time with them. She also has to pay for his hotel, etc. when he flies in (she agreed to a bad settlement to be able to move home where her friends and family are). He recently married the woman he left her for and they had a baby just a few months ago. She's in the process of trying to rework the visitation. Her preference would have been to have her ex in the same town, but there was nothing for her in the new town and all of her work, family and friends were back here. Even so, she often wonders if she should have just stayed. She's wracked with guilt over the fact that he doesn't see the kids that often and at everything the kids miss here.

I think everything you listed is important to talk about. If your ex moves, he will end up becoming a vacation Dad. He won't be able to be involved in all of the day to day parts of being a parent and that will mean he'll miss a lot. This will also mean your life will change a lot. Both of my friends were never in the situation of having an ex in town for a true co-parenting relationship and it's tough. Having to pay for babysitters everytime you want to go somewhere without your child is a pain (and expensive). I know you're back in school and I would worry about how that will work. Were you planning to rely on your ex for some childcare for school? Finally, if he moves, when he comes to town to visit where will he stay. There are a lot of added costs and I've watch both of these friends struggle with this.

Good luck and let me know if you ever need to talk...we still need to go on that bike ride at some point

Edited to Add: In both cases, the kids are not flying on their own yet (in one case, the dad flies in to get the son for visits to his state and in the other, the mom actually flies with the kids when they go out of state each month)

[niccig]

I'm sorry that he's thinking of doing this. I think all you can do is tell him that this will have a huge impact on his relationship with DS, and he'll be a vacation dad only. If he's OK with that happening, then I don't think there is much you can do.

It's not at all fair to DS.

[citymama]

Ugh, that sucks for you. I hope he reconsiders, or his GF considers moving to CO. I mean, CO is way cooler than OH, right? (Sorry Corie and other Buckeye state moms!) Sending you hugs and good thoughts - I hope this works out in a way that is best for you and your son.

[ha98ed14]

My perspective is from the point of view of having grown up with "a vacation dad". We saw him 2 weeks in the summer and every other holiday. He was never there for school plays or recitals. My sister and I turned out okay. We're not super close to our dad, but we are in touch and I know he loves me.

Here is my advice: Let him go. Seriously, your and DS' life together will be more stable and consistent if you are not shuttling DS back and forth. If you plan to put down roots on Colorado, do so. Get involved with whatever you and DS will thrive doing. And do not agree to facilitate any part of XH's move or visitation.

While DS is young, XH will need to travel to you to visit him, and pay for his own place to stay. When DS is old enough to fly as an unaccompanied minor, XH will be paying for the ticket. DO NOT agree to anything that makes his life financially easier. Live your life with DS and let XH have the leftovers. It's what XH wants; he's saying so with his actions. Let him do it. But ONLY BECAUSE you cannot force him to stay and live life on your terms. So best to send him on his way with a "don't let the door hit you on the way out!" kick to the ass. *YOU* will never be able to make up for the lack of his biodad in DS' life, if it plays out that way. *YOU* cannot prevent DS from feeling like he "wasn't good enough or lovable enough and that's why his dad moved away from him." BUT you can give DS a stable home, a loving parent who is present for all his big and small moments, and a happy childhood. DS WILL BE OK. He will. It's hard to see that now, but regardless of how much or little his biodad chooses to be in his life, he will be ok because he will have had you as his mom.

The one thing you MUST do is find some reliable activity and/ or safe place where DS can spend time so that you can get a break.

It *IS* going to be ok. It will be hard and stressful and even infuriating at times, but YOU are getting the best end of the deal: Your son. We knew XH was a selfish bastard when he walked out on you. This proves it even more so. Let him go.

Hugs and P&PTs!

[resipsaloquitur]

My perspective is from the point of view of having grown up with "a vacation dad". We saw him 2 weeks in the summer and every other holiday. He was never there for school plays or recitals. My sister and I turned out okay. We're not super close to our dad, but we are in touch and I know he loves me.

Here is my advice: Let him go. Seriously, your and DS' life together will be more stable and consistent if you are not shuttling DS back and forth. If you plan to put down roots on Colorado, do so. Get involved with whatever you and DS will thrive doing. And do not agree to facilitate any part of XH's move or visitation.

While DS is young, XH will need to travel to you to visit him, and pay for his own place to stay. When DS is old enough to fly as an unaccompanied minor, XH will be paying for the ticket. DO NOT agree to anything that makes his life financially easier. Live your life with DS and let XH have the leftovers. It's what XH wants; he's saying so with his actions. Let him do it. But ONLY BECAUSE you cannot force him to stay and live life on your terms. So best to send him on his way with a "don't let the door hit you on the way out!" kick to the ass. *YOU* will never be able to make up for the lack of his biodad in DS' life, if it plays out that way. *YOU* cannot prevent DS from feeling like he "wasn't good enough or lovable enough and that's why his dad moved away from him." BUT you can give DS a stable home, a loving parent who is present for all his big and small moments, and a happy childhood. DS WILL BE OK. He will. It's hard to see that now, but regardless of how much or little his biodad chooses to be in his life, he will be ok because he will have had you as his mom.

The one thing you MUST do is find some reliable activity and/ or safe place where DS can spend time so that you can get a break.

It *IS* going to be ok. It will be hard and stressful and even infuriating at times, but YOU are getting the best end of the deal: Your son. We knew XH was a selfish bastard when he walked out on you. This proves it even more so. Let him go.

Hugs and P&PTs!

I have BTDT and I couldn't say this nearly as well myself. My exH moved when DS was 3 so clearly he couldn't travel by him self either.

I think some of what you are struggling with is the guilt from grieving for the possible loss of your alone time. I know I honestly felt bad admitting to myself and others that as much as I loved DS I needed a little time once in a while. Don't feel bad for this. No one will doubt your love just because you need to recharge once in a while. You need that for your sanity and to be a better mom.

Also, other than a basic explaination of why you think this would be a bad idea for DC, I wouldn't put too much time into trying to talk to you exH about this. I've gone over and over these things with my exH and his response is always to think I am jealous that he is moving on with his life. This couldn't be farther from the truth but he is so narcissistic that he always thinks it's about him rather than DS. What I've realize with my exH, and I think it fits for yours too, is that if he's really into himself and his new life, more than his child, he can ignore his child in state or out of state. My exH is sooo thrilled with being a big shot bachelor around town that even before he moved he clearly was moving out of parenting mode. And I think it would be easier to explain to your child that their dad isn't involved because he lives elsewhere, rather than he isn't involved because he just doesn't care to be.

The one thing I will tell you is that you will need to develop a strong social support system. Especially if you don't have family near by. Most divorced women have some help in emergencies from their children's dads. You aren't going to have this. This means every time DC is sick, you will be the one to miss work. Everytime DC gets up in the middle of the night, it will be all you. You will go to all the school functions alone, when almost everyone will have DC's father there also (at least at my DC's school, the divorced parents show up but usually don't sit together). You just need to know this and accept it. It is all on you. It isn't fair. But hopefully in time your DC will know and apprecaite all that you have done. At least that's what keeps me going.