Deteriorating Relationship with DS1 - WWYD?

[ThreeofUs]

My DS1, H, is extremely bright and spirited, and is one of those kids Dr. Sears calls "high need". On the "How to Raise Your Spirited Child" book checklist, he's up there near the top.

I have read the books and taken professional advice on how to raise him, but I'm at the point where I'm starting to resent the way he's making me feel. I've just HAD it. He's only 6, but nothing I can do is right, he doesn't want to be around me, he only wants his father, who is not a disciplinarian.

So I'm drawing away from him, I can feel it and I'm sure he can, too.

Today, though, he was disrespectful and rude enough to me - twice, as if once wasn't enough - that I blew at him once and at DH twice. This is not regular behavior for me, and I'm not very happy with myself, but I did manage to keep a civil tongue in my head even as I described exactly what I saw that was wrong.

I think he's angry at all the time I have to give to DS2, who's 2. I know he doesn't like it that I make him toe the line with behavior.

But we used to have a good relationship. We used to have love between us, and I feel just bereft that this seems to be going away.

Any suggestions? And please, be gentle with me. I am trying very very hard, with a difficult child, and am really cut up about what's going on. This is also having a negative effect on my relationship with DH.

Family therapy?

[bubbaray]

Oh mama, I have so BTDT. And gotten great support (and some complete flames) here too. In my situation, part of the solution was time (ie., DD#1 outgrowing the difficult 5/6 age). Part is making an effort for 1:1 time (I found that super hard -- WOTH FT, crazy hectic schedule on weekends for both kids, etc -- but if I make that effort, huge HUGE returns).

The 1:1 time d/n have to be doing anything special necessarily. Today, DD#1 skiied all day at Whistler with DH. She (and he!) came home VERY tired and VERY grumpy. I ended up sitting on the floor of the laundry room holding/rocking her and telling her about how I used to bring her into the laundry room when she was a baby to get her to sleep. It was 10-15 min I spent with her and her entire mood changed. 2 years ago, I didn't even want to be in the same room as her our relationship was so charged.

Another big thing for both my girls is food. They don't eat well/enough and often I can literally see their mood go downhill in about 30 seconds just because they are hungry. I try to carry snacks and change my plans if I have to on the weekends to make sure they get lunch and snacks somewhat on the same schedule as they do during the schoolweek.

HTH &

[salsah]

Oh mama, I have so BTDT. And gotten great support (and some complete flames) here too. In my situation, part of the solution was time (ie., DD#1 outgrowing the difficult 5/6 age). Part is making an effort for 1:1 time (I found that super hard -- WOTH FT, crazy hectic schedule on weekends for both kids, etc -- but if I make that effort, huge HUGE returns).

The 1:1 time d/n have to be doing anything special necessarily. Today, DD#1 skiied all day at Whistler with DH. She (and he!) came home VERY tired and VERY grumpy. I ended up sitting on the floor of the laundry room holding/rocking her and telling her about how I used to bring her into the laundry room when she was a baby to get her to sleep. It was 10-15 min I spent with her and her entire mood changed. 2 years ago, I didn't even want to be in the same room as her our relationship was so charged.

Another big thing for both my girls is food. They don't eat well/enough and often I can literally see their mood go downhill in about 30 seconds just because they are hungry. I try to carry snacks and change my plans if I have to on the weekends to make sure they get lunch and snacks somewhat on the same schedule as they do during the schoolweek.

HTH &

great advice melissa! i have noticed that dd1 is much more bearable when we spend time together alone, just the two of us.

[twowhat?]

No answer, just hugs.

I can understand how it affects even your relationship with your DH (I've also seen a deterioration of my relationship with DH due to the stress of parenting toddlers). I can only imagine that having a "high-spirited" child is very, very difficult. If you seek counseling, it would make sense to me that you don't have to include your DS - you can't change the fact that he's a spirited child (esp as you say you're already following professional advice on how to raise him), but you CAN change how you and DH react and deal with the situation. So - I could see how therapy just for yourself, or for yourself and DH would be helpful. Good luck! Sounds like no fun at all

[salsah]

thank you for posting. i'm glad that you are seeking help. my dd1 sounds like your ds1. i have been afraid to post asking for help because i don't think that people who haven't dealt with this kind of personality in a child can appreciate how difficult it is. i've been afraid of being flamed for saying that on most days, i just don't feel like i love my dd1. being around her is draining, she brings me down, and brings out the worst in me. so although i don't have any advice, i understand what you are going through.

[Nooknookmom]

thank you for posting. i'm glad that you are seeking help. my dd1 sounds like your ds1. i have been afraid to post asking for help because i don't think that people who haven't dealt with this kind of personality in a child can appreciate how difficult it is. i've been afraid of being flamed for saying that on most days, i just don't feel like i love my dd1. being around her is draining, she brings me down, and brings out the worst in me. so although i don't have any advice, i understand what you are going through.

I only now understand what it is like to have a true high needs child, after having DD2. I had *no idea*....I really didn't, every single move of the day can be a challenge. Yesterday Dd is on top of me (as I was trying to lay by Dh-Inever get 2 di that either) and she is SCREAMING "I'm hungry & want waffles now!". Every attempt to hild her off or re-direct=failed. That is every single minute of the day-similaR issues. DD1 was NOT that way, so I'm just getting my new collection of parenting tools together now. It's hard, I love her SO much but she can wear on the nerves easily and I can feel disconnected b/c she is so intense.

I may not be much help (sorry) but u are not alone and there are strength in numbers! It will get better. FWIW, my DD2 is all about Daddy now too and my DH is **not** a disciplinarian, I am...this seems to draw them into that parent, it's a toughie for me b/c I really need him on the same page as me with this one.

Keep plugging at those baby steps - as your littler one grows and needs less of your time, the older sibling will lose some of the underlying jealosy too-which will make things better.

{{hugs}}

[egoldber]

I agree about the 1 on 1 time. It is soooo hard, but making that time is really important. For my older DD, that time is at bedtime. She needs that quiet 1 on 1 space to talk with me.

You say you have sought professional advice, but is he (or anyone) actually seeing a therapist regularly? It sounds like you (the family, you) may be at that point where you need that 1 on 1 space with a professional to develop a parenting plan to stick with and where DS has a safe place to talk about what his concerns are.

It is so hard when despite doing all the "right" parenting things, you and your child continue to struggle. We had to make some decisions over the last week about older DD that have been really, really hard for me. It's been pretty hard for me to admit that my "best" isn't enough for her.

And like sste says, we are all just wayyyyyy too hard on ourselves. Get the help you need and try not to feel bad about it.

[daisymommy]

I don't have answers, and haven't read all the replys--just wanted to let you know you are so not alone. It's not you. My DS #1 is much the same as your DS, and we have been through the same problem in our relationship. DH was very upset about it for awhile, watching it go-down from the outside.
I don't think I can claim credit for doing anything magical on my behalf--but I do know that 2 years later, things are much improved between us. So the situation can certainly turn around.

Hugs to you. Hopefully you'll get some good advice that will help!

[hillview]

HUGS. It sounds very hard. DS1 has his emotional challenges and here are some things that work well
check that he isn't over tired or hungry -- offer a snack
snuggle time -- he still really likes to snuggle or just hang out in my bed with me and talk -- sometimes we have very deep talks about how he is feeling etc
separate him from DS2 with an activity -- crafts project or legos work well
let him decide things -- what to have for dinner, what to watch on tv, what shirt I should wear, little things to give him more control over an out of control world
find something special to do with just him -- DH plays chess with him at night

Sorry I don't have a lot of great advice -- I agree with pp who said that over time I've noticed good periods and harder periods. So maybe think about what it will be like in a few months ...
/hillary

[pinkmomagain]

No good advice, but just some words from the other side: For several years I had resentful feelings towards one of my children, wasn't feeling the love the majority of the time. Things are so much better now -- I am over the moon crazy about her. No magic answer on how it happened (maybe I changed? family dynamic changed as all the kids got older? addressing kids' behavioral issues?), but just that it did happen and it can (and will likely) get better.